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The Stigma of Mental Health and the Military Spouse

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Every little thing, from the endless crying of the baby to one dish being out of place, caused me to fly into a rage. When I wasn’t angry, I was deeply sad and sobbing. The walls felt like they were closing in and my chest felt tight. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t see a way out of the deep hole of depression.

It felt like I just couldn’t admit I was weak or that I needed help. I’d heard all of those saying about military spouses and strength. I was supposed to be the backbone of our family, keeping it all together when everything was falling apart.

Have you ever felt overwhelmed, out of sorts or just generally not yourself mentally and emotionally?

You are not alone. Approximately 30% of military spouses suffer from mental illness.

After I had my first child, I went deep into the postpartum depression rabbit hole. I didn’t want to upset the delicate balance of our lives, so I delayed seeking help until it was so severe I couldn’t function in my daily life.

Instead of talking about it, I drank much more than I should have. I used exercise to relieve stress obsessively. My weight and running times became unhealthy fixations. Most of all, I’m only just now, years later, realizing just how bad it was and how far I had gone. I’m so thankful I was able to claw my way out.

While I’m mostly “better” I will always struggle with mental health and I know that. I’m anxious about nonsense things or blow trivial matters out of proportion. Jumping to the worst possible scenario is pretty common for me in most challenging situations. I am painfully aware of what I say and how it could come across. There is a constant worry about how I might be perceived.

There is a stigma for military spouses struggling with mental health.

“How can that be? You’re literally telling the whole entire world about your struggles,” you might ask. You wouldn’t be wrong either.

But writing is different than in-person sharing. I’m hidden behind a screen and these words are typed not spoken.

The Stigma of Mental Health and the Military Spouse

Do you think there is a stigma around mental health struggles as a military spouse?

Military spouses who struggle with mental health often remain hidden. After all, we must be the backbone, the support system, for our whole family. We are the constant for our children who are often missing their other parent. Military spouses must handle everything that comes their way, mostly far from home and with an often-rotating support network of friends.

There is no fallback plan, no option for retreat. So most of us slog onward, dealing with our emotional battles in any way we can.

We self-medicate with alcohol and drugs. According to a recent study, almost 70% of military spouses had an alcoholic drink during a given month. Over 30% of those who drank were binge drinking. Others were smoking pot or using illegal drugs. Of course, some of these substances could have been used recreationally. But many military spouses drown their sorrows with a few glasses of wine or several beers every night.

You don’t want to talk about it or ask for help. There could be the perception of weakness or of taking needed resources away from deployable troops. Asking for help could draw unwanted attention or scrutiny to yourself, it could cause your service member to lose focus on the mission. Above all, you are supposed to be able to handle this.

There is no shame in asking for help.

I know this now. There are places to seek help readily available through “official” channels as well as completely confidential outlets.

A great place to start is with your chaplain or the Military Family Life Counselor (MFLC) assigned to your duty station or unit. Chaplains serve all members of the military community. There are religious leaders from all sects and faith backgrounds, Christian and non-Christian alike. If you are religious, starting here could be a positive first step.

MFLCs are available to all military service members and their dependents. There are MFLCs assigned to all bases, with many locations hosting multiple counselors. Contact your unit FRO to connect with your local MFLC. Your sessions are off the books completely. Literally, no notes can or will be taken at any time. There is no record of what you discuss or even that you have been counseled. Best of all, many MFLCs keep flexible hours and can meet you both on and off base.

Another option is to seek counseling services through Military OneSource. Simply call the hotline and ask to speak to a representative about mental health counseling. There are a few criteria in place in order to receive services, but they try their best to meet your needs.

I used this service in 2014 and 2015 for postpartum depression. I was able to see a therapist just a few blocks from my home during evening hours, which made it super convenient for me. Best of all, this was 100% cost-free.

For those who need something other than talk therapy, please seek help from a medical professional. If you use Tricare, your PCM can provide at least an initial diagnosis and treatment plan. Your doctor might refer you to a specialist or other medical professional to seek further treatment for your specific mental health concerns.

I also used this route. My PCM was quickly able to diagnose me with postpartum depression and prescribed me anti-depressants to help regulate my emotions.

I know now that true strength comes from seeking help when needed, and offering help to those in need. No matter who you see first, if you are suffering from mental illness, prolonged sadness, thoughts of self-harm or other mental health concerns, please seek help right away. There is no shame in asking for help.

Do you think there is a stigma around mental health struggles as a military spouse? Share your thoughts in the comments.

How I Feel When Someone Thanks Me for My Service

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“Thank you for your service!”

I’m never quite sure how to reply to this. I know it’s meant with great sincerity. My friends, family and casual acquaintances do truly mean it from the bottom of their hearts. Deep down I know that they are trying to convey appreciation for all that I have sacrificed to be with the person I love most.

After all, I’ve pretty much walked away from a promising teaching career. We pull up stakes every few years and move to yet another far away location. While my children have only known the shortest of TDY separations, I’ve gutted it out for the full 12-month experience. All of this is a lot to ask and to accomplish with (hopefully) grace and selflessness.

I know that this is what is meant when I am thanked for my service. The person is acknowledging that I, too, am giving of myself and of our family in service to our country. Small pieces of me have been chipped away with each “see you later.”

How I Feel When Someone Thanks Me for My Service © LoloStock/Adobe Stock[/caption]

Other times, I know I am standing in for my absent spouse. Without him by my side, sharing gratitude for his service feels awkward. Especially when it is then incumbent upon me to pass that gratitude along. I mean, if I actually did that, I could be thanking him morning, noon and night some days!

Instead of expressing thanks to him alone, I am included. “Thank you both for your service and sacrifice.” Our sacrifice is collective.

However, it also rings untrue to me. My service? I didn’t even sacrifice a quarter of what my spouse and others have voluntarily given of themselves.

I endured a lengthy deployment, but I wasn’t in a foxhole or FOB. I wasn’t even in the barracks. Instead, I was on my very comfortable couch at home in SoCal, snuggling my pup. I didn’t need to wipe gritty sand from my eyes or check my boots for creepy desert critters. The worst I had to suffer through was a tough bout of strep throat and hogging the whole bed.

My career isn’t what it could be, should be or would be. But I have lived all over the country and even overseas. I get to explore other professional passion projects.

My sacrifice was simply going without the physical presence of my spouse. My service is to go where the military takes us, to grin and bear it. I volunteered to live life Semper Gumby.

“Thank you for your service.”

I know the intentions behind this statement are sincere. The person is showing their gratitude for my spouse’s service to me and through me. They are honoring the dedication of our whole family to a greater purpose. And I respect that. I want my spouse to be thanked and honored for his willingness to serve our nation.

While I have chosen a different path in life, one that has required me to “give up” opportunities and expectations I once held dear, I do not serve. I have never sworn the oath of allegiance to protect our great nation against “enemies foreign and domestic.” There is no proverbial blank check, with my signature, encompassing my willingness to put my life and limbs in the line of fire.

How should I respond when I am thanked for a service I have not completed? Usually, I simply say “Thank you” and move on.

Sometimes I reply with wit:

“Oh, you should thank my husband. I can’t do that many pull-ups!”

I do not serve. I simply love a person who made the commitment to do so.

Have you had a civilian thank you for your service as a military spouse? How did you respond?

Community: A Dying Military Tradition That Needs to Make a Serious Comeback

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One of the things I remember most about growing up a military brat was the overwhelming sense of community that surrounded us, no matter where we lived.

If someone went TDY or was lucky enough to take leave to go home, we always made sure to keep an eye on their house or even mow their lawn if necessary.

If I got home from school and couldn’t find my key, there was always a neighbor willing to let me use their phone or hang out until my parents got home.

When I headed out into the world on my own, it was that very same sense of community I found lacking in the civilian world. It is one of the reasons why I eventually decided to join the military. But I have to say, things have changed a lot since I was a military kid.

With the rare exception, gone are the days of the welcome wagon. You know, that group of people, usually military spouses, who stopped by your house after you had a few days to settle in. They’d bring a plate of cookies or a pie and introduce themselves so you would know at least one person on your street. Then they’d share all the insider info you needed, like the best days to shop at the commissary or which primary care doctor to ask for.

Community is the best part of military life. How can we work together to bring it back?

But nowadays, we’ve given up extending a hand to those who might need a little help because it’s too much of a hassle.

We swear off spouses groups because we swear we just can’t handle all the drama.

It seems like we have given up the idea of actually meeting our neighbors and instead just focusing on how many friends we have on Facebook or how many times we get retweeted. And while I wouldn’t give up my social media accounts for anything, I really wish we could, as a community, remember that face-to-face conversations are as important, maybe more so than a text or instant message.

Community: A Dying Military Tradition That Needs to Make a Serious Comeback

Laughter shared over a cup of coffee will always be better than tweeting.

We need to make developing a sense of community and service to each other a priority.

Military unit success often depends on being tuned in, not only to an assigned task, but to the well-being of those around you. It creates a sense of team and comradely that binds a unit together.

It is an idea that I wish permeated beyond the boundaries of the FOB and into the greater military community.

It is all too easy to stay focused on your own lane, keep blinders on and just trudge forward.

But when one member of our community struggles, it creates ripples that impact us all.

A “hi” on Facebook or a follow on Instagram is a great way to break the ice, but when emergencies arise, we need to know that there is someone we can reach out to and lean on.

Over the course of my husband’s career, I can think of only one deployment where anyone from my military community, other than my husband, ever called or stopped by to check on me. And I know I’m not the only one.

There are no regulations that require this kind of community awareness, but we should take it upon ourselves to make sure that no matter the unit or location, no member of our community ever feels isolated or alone.

I say bring back the welcome wagon and the dinner brigade. Go out and meet your neighbors, organize a neighborhood potluck or cul-de-sac barbecue. Start caring about the well-being of those you pass on the street everyday. Be the kind face they need when the challenges of this life get to be too much. Be the resource they need when they don’t know who else to turn to.

Be as engaged and involved as you can be because a hug can never be replaced by a “like.”

Laughter shared over a cup of coffee will always be better than tweeting.

Make time and be open to cultivating relationships with the flesh and blood people in your community.

You may be just the friend they need to get through a tough time. And they end up doing the same for you.

Is the military community dead? Do people ever come out from behind their screens and talk to each other?

The Myth of the Perfect Military Spouse

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It was one of those days.

You know, the days when nothing seemed to go right? My oldest had dumped a gigantic bag of beads in the middle of the living room floor for the second time that day. My youngest was way past nap time. I was dressed in my usual jeans and seen-better-days T-shirt, my hair was a mess, and I had less than 30 minutes until my husband was due to walk in the door.

My plan to be dressed, pressed, and waiting to sit down to a delicious home-cooked meal had gone out the door hours ago.

And it wasn’t the first time my list of to-dos or taking care of my children had eaten up my entire day.

I so wanted to be that military spouse who had the house cleaned and dinner neatly prepared when my soldier walked through the door.

The same daydream had me perfectly coiffed and dressed to impress. And every time I didn’t hit that goal of “perfect” spouse, I felt like a failure.

The Myth of the Perfect Military Spouse

If I couldn’t do it all when he was able to come home every night, what did that say about my abilities when he was deployed?

After all, he was doing all the hard work, putting on the uniform and training to be of service to our country. He needed a spouse capable of taking care of everything at home. If I couldn’t do it all when he was able to come home every night, what did that say about my abilities when he was deployed?

After a particularly stressful afternoon that had all of my kids recovering from temper tantrums and me in tears, a close friend stopped by for coffee. She was everything I wanted to be. She always looked great. Her house was always immaculate. And I’d never seen her stress about anything.

After confessing my feelings of inadequacy, she changed my entire world with just one sentence.

There is no such thing as a perfect military spouse.

What? How could that be? There were those, just like her, who always had it together. The spouse next door who always had his kids ready and at the bus stop on time. The commander’s wife who always made hosting company events look easy.

She repeated herself.

There’s no such thing as a perfect military spouse.

The look on my face must have confessed my disbelief. Over the next few minutes she confessed to a few cracks in what I thought was her perfect façade. I felt a little better, but I still wasn’t wholly convinced.

I begged her to share her secrets with me. How did she make it all look so easy? She just laughed and challenged me to change my way of thinking.

“So what if your house isn’t perfect? So what if macaroni and cheese is the best dinner you can muster? Those things are not required to make you worthy of love and respect. We each have our strengths. Be your best you and that’s good enough.”

I sat quietly and tried to take those words in. Was it possible to be the best me without being perfect? Could I be the strong, capable military spouse my soldier needed and not be good at everything?

The answer is yes.

My belief in that idea didn’t happen overnight. It took a lot of work and introspection. It took time to learn to quiet that inner voice that told me I was a failure and give the stage to the part of me that got up every day and did my best.

I am incredibly thankful I had a friend to intervene and set me straight.

And I hope, should you ever find yourself in a similar mindset that you remember:

There is no such thing as a perfect military spouse.

No matter who you are, where you are from or what you are struggling with, you are worthy of love and respect.

Even if it means that the dusting or vacuuming should have been done yesterday.

Even if it means that PB&J is what’s on the menu tonight.

Live every day with the intent to be the best possible you that you can.  The best you is more than good enough.

Are you trying to be the perfect military spouse?

7 Tips from a Military Spouse to Her Younger Self

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I won’t say I’m old, but if there was a miracle pill to knock a couple of years off, I’d be interested.

For all of my fears and frustrations about getting older, I know I have earned every gray hair, every fine line. They tell the story of a life that, while it’s had its ups and downs, I really can’t complain about it too much.

But as I watch my oldest child begin to figure out her place in the world and prepare to move out on her own, it got me thinking about myself at her age.

If given the chance what would I want my younger military spouse self to know? What imparting wisdom could I dish out to help make my future just a bit better?

Here’s what I came up with:

7 Tips from a Military Spouse to Her Younger Self

If given the chance what would I want my younger military spouse self to know?

7 Tips from a Military Spouse to Her Younger Self

Attend College

Less than half of American adults have a college degree. I was part of the majority without one until just a couple of years ago.

While a college degree won’t solve every problem, it can open doors and help with career advancement and employment.

Many military spouses already have a degree or some form of formal training before they become military spouses, which is amazing!  But don’t stop learning. If you’re like me and on the 20+ year plan or you are looking for a second or advanced degree, utilize the resources the military community has to offer.

Programs like MyCAA can help junior enlisted and officer spouses to obtain or continue pursuit of a degree. There are scholarships only available to military dependents and there are a great many programs and universities who offer discounted rates to military spouses.

Get your college degree – it will pay off in so many ways.

Find Your Passion

As you move from place to place, a passion or hobby can make wherever you are stationed feel like home.

A passion gives you something to occupy your time when your spouse is fighting in parts unknown.

A passion gives you something to look forward to when those horrible-terrible-no-good-very-bad days rear their ugly heads.

And your passion just might be the icebreaker you need to make new friends who share a similar interest or who are interested in learning.

Learn to Budget/Schedule/Plan

Mind-numbing waiting at the doctor’s office, empty bank accounts and frantic searches for missing berets or boots at zero dark-thirty can all be avoided with some forethought.

If creating spending plans (and sticking to them) or developing schedules and plans doesn’t come naturally to you, buy a book, or take a class or print off one of the million or so examples on Pinterest.

Get good at being organized. It will pay off a thousand-fold in both your finances and sanity.

Pick Your Friends Wisely

It is all too easy to latch onto an unhealthy friendship when you feel out of place or lonely. But, sometimes those friendships born of low-hanging fruit can do more harm than good.

Put in the effort to build real friendships that last. Don’t write people off because of appearances or even first impressions.

Hint: real friendships don’t equal drama, drama, drama!

Save for a Rainy Day

Before you know it, you’ll be looking at retirement.

Or the need for a new car.

Or the desire to buy a house.

Or the desire to have a baby (or two or three!).

This lesson isn’t really military spouse specific, but it is one I wish I had learned much sooner.

Always, always, always, pay yourself first. Even if it’s just $10 a paycheck, get into the habit of putting money away. Your future self with thank you, trust me.

Buy Smart and Don’t Buy on Credit

Hand in hand with saving, be smart about your money. If you can at all avoid it, skip using credit cards for anything other than emergencies.

That $500 want-it-now purchase suddenly turns into a $1,000 burden when you add in all the interest.

Be patient and save until you can afford to pay cash for what you need.

At the same time, don’t deprive yourself of things. Go back to the lesson about budgeting and figure out a way to be smart about what you buy.

Enjoy and Experience

Don’t let the experience of being a military spouse pass you by without taking time to enjoy it.

While the challenges are difficult and never-ending, the benefits and experiences this life has to offer are second to none. See the world, taste the food, take pictures. Meet people, try new things, explore.

Learn to laugh at mistakes, empathize with your neighbor and trust that your presence in every place and moment has a purpose and a reason.

What advice would you give to your younger self? Share it in the comment section.

My Life as a Unicorn in the Military Community

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by Eric Gardner, Guest Contributor

My Life as a Male Military Spouse

Are you a male military spouse? Do you feel like a unicorn in your military community?

How do I feel about being a male military spouse (aka a unicorn)? That’s a complex question – being unique isn’t always a good thing.

Yet now in these later years, to put it simply, I love it.

As a military family we are thrilled that my wife is nearing her 20-year mark.  We’ve been all over the world. We’ve had our share of bumps and bruises along the way. And the saying “it’s not just a job, it’s an adventure” has been our philosophy toward the unique situations the Army loves to send our way.

My wife and I never set out to change the social structure of the military.

Our non-traditional family dynamic is what we felt suited our needs best. My transition from active duty officer to stay-at-home parent was one we discussed in depth. This important role of stay-at-home parent and active duty Army spouse was one we thought complemented our strengths and weaknesses as a couple.

While our friends and families accepted our decision, the military has been a little slower to embrace this type of dynamic.  In large part the traditional role of male military spouse was occupied by joint service members.  The dual military couple is a classification, which both service members and spouses of the late 90s and early 2000s could categorically fit into as an already well-established social slot.  I knew that role well.

Serving over 8 years in the Army, my presence at the social functions as a “military spouse” was novel and typically dismissed because of the reality that I would have little time outside of my normal duties as an infantry officer.

Everyone understood and appreciated my desire to get to know my wife’s unit spouses but they never expected me to devote any real energy to their network.

My life as a male military spouse went into uncharted territory when I departed from service to take on the role of stay-at-home parent with our daughters.

Looking back it was a comical transition.  We attended several closed door discussions where both my wife and I were counseled (separately, of course) on the proper path our growing family should take. In the opinion of my leadership at the time I should stay in and my wife should get out.  After the disbelief of having such a discussion we decided to stay true to our course.

Our next assignment was a challenging one.  As new parents we soon began to see the reactions to our decision to take on less traditional roles.  I encountered many inquisitive gazes. I answered tons of questions about “how I enjoyed spending time with my daughter.”  I didn’t try to alter their views, but instead delivered a smile and a well-wish or two.

I was fortunate that the commander’s spouse was new to the Army and didn’t have any of the preconceived notions about the Family Readiness Group (FRG) structure.  To her, I was a welcomed addition to the unit and someone who brought a unique inner dynamics to the group.

It was the first time that my desire to fix a problem paid off.

I was fortunate that while the wives all had differing opinions, mine was also seen as beneficial because of how I interpreted different challenges the FRG was facing.

The initial experience became the norm for my interactions with unit spouse organizations.  As we continued to PCS I was constantly put in the role of sanity checker of the group.  Comically this is not even a title my wife allows me to even remotely occupy in our family however among a collection of like-minded military spouses a uniquely different voice can often shed fresh insight onto routine operations.

I don’t mean to imply that every instance of entering this traditionally female-dominated environment was easy and fulfilling.

I have had my share of exclusions from play dates because of perceptions.  Along with the unsteady looks at the playground when I would be there with my daughter.

My status as a male military spouse has excluded me from several events, but it has also allowed me to speak openly when my fellow spouses feel compelled to describe their problems.

After all you can’t blame a guy if he just comes right out and states the problem; right?

Just kidding guys, they can blame you.

Today’s military has changed since the late 90s and early 2000s. The modern family dynamics are ever evolving and the network of wives, husbands, partners and friends helping their service members succeed are stronger than ever before.

I love my role as a male military spouse and I am thankful for the opportunities and relationships it has afforded me to experience.

Are you a male military spouse? Do you feel like a unicorn? Share  your perspective with us.

Eric Gardner was raised in a military family and lived around the world. Following in his father’s footsteps, he joined the U.S. Army as an Infantry Officer. Since the end of his wartime service he has shifted gears and is now a stay-at-home father. In his role as an active duty Army spouse, he has become an author. As the creator of the XIII Legion Series he has enjoyed great success, and enjoys meeting other entrepreneurial spouses as well as fellow authors . You can see more from Eric Gardner at his Facebook page: www.facebook.com/thirteenthlegion.series, and http://www.facebook.com/XIIILGN or follow him via Twitter @13thLegion.

How I Find the Fun in Mandatory Fun

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There are so many wonderful aspects of military life, but for some mandatory fun is not one of them.

Mandatory fun or required attendance at military social events is not always fun.

Some events are a bit stuffy and too formal. Some are too crowded and impersonal. Others are family oriented or for adults only. They don’t always fit in with your schedule and logistics can be difficult. Still, you are required to attend and so you do.

These mandatory fun events can actually be fun.

It’s all in how you perceive it. If you go in with the mindset that you won’t enjoy it, then you likely won’t have a good time.

Next time you have mandatory fun scheduled, try to have fun. Look for the positive in what otherwise could be a time where you are negative.

Formal military events, for example, are not my favorite.

A military ball is definitely mandatory fun in my book. I don’t like all the preparation it takes. Service members have it so easy; all they have to do is put on their uniform.

I, on the other hand, have to go dress shopping because of course you can’t wear the same formal gown to multiple events. Then you have to find shoes and a handbag to go with the dress. Shopping takes all day.

Add kids into the mix and you either have to drag them along shopping or get someone to watch them. On the day of the formal event it takes ages to get ready.

How I Find the Fun in Mandatory Fun

Mandatory military social events can be stressful, boring and time consuming. But try to find the positive in every event that you are required to attend with your service member. It may help make mandatory fun more fun for you.

Once at this mandatory fun, you mingle with people you don’t know. You listen to the service members talk about work using all sorts of acronyms. How are there so many acronyms in the military? I have no idea or at least a minimal idea of what they are talking about. It is always shop talk.

Though preparing for this mandatory fun is no fun at all, the events usually are. I get to talk to military spouses that I otherwise might not see. I  meet some people my husband works with and put a face to names I’ve only heard.

If nothing else, there’s usually wine.

Military family events can be time consuming.

You might have had other plans for the weekend but had to cancel them because this was a mandatory fun event. If your children are in sports, scouts or other organized groups, you might be driving between events. It can be a hectic day. Children will likely get overstimulated and over tired. There might be a meltdown or two as well.

Family events are more mandatory fun for my husband then for me though. He doesn’t like giving up his free time to see people that he works with all week long. I understand that.

For me however, this is fun. I don’t get to see those people or their families as much. These types of events can be stressful with logistics and behavior, but they can also be fun. I love to see my babies dressed up with the theme of the event. I like to bake so potluck events are great.

Sure we’ll be very tired at the end of the day, but it’s worth it.

Mandatory fun can be fun if you look at the bright side of it.

Holiday parties are another instance of mandatory fun that really can be fun. The bright side for me is that I get to see the look on my son’s face when he meets Santa or the Easter Bunny.

That’s priceless.

I get overwhelmed when there are a ton of children running around and our son follows in, but these events are few and far between so I can handle it as long as there’s a coffee in my hand.

How do you find the fun in mandatory fun events?

Respect: A Challenge to My Fellow Military Spouses

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It is a brave and often reckless feat to lay challenge to the military community.

No matter the call or reason, when push comes to shove, we band together and lay waste to anyone who would stand in our way. Be it on the battlefield or in efforts to support a good cause, no one can match our vigor or dedication.

Dare to challenge our way of life or suggest our benefits aren’t rightfully deserved and we circle the wagons into an impenetrable fortress.

It is one that I am thankful for because I know that my community has my back.

Which is why it is so disheartening to see a lack of this unity when it comes time to protect and defend a member of our community from each other.

Respect: A Challenge to My Fellow Military Spouses

I challenge military spouses to rise above and extend an olive branch.

We’ve all seen it. The online interactions that start out as some innocuous discussion about some aspect of our lifestyle that quickly devolves into drama. Accusations of “wearing your spouse’s rank” or the dignity destroying “dependa” comments soon follow. Or maybe you’ve heard the whispered snarky comments and seen the subtle shunning of that one spouse at a unit function.

The military community is an incredible dichotomy of the American public, so conflict of some kind is, perhaps, inevitable.

We come from every state and territory, every faith, every race and creed. But what should set us apart is our ability to appreciate and respect those differences. No matter which uniform your spouse puts on every day, respect is part of the core set of values that govern his or her actions.

Of respect, the Army says:

 “Treat people as they should be treated.”

The Marines include “to respect human dignity; and to have respect and concern for each other” as a defining factor in its core value of honor.

The Navy require sailors to “show respect toward all people, regardless of race, religion, or gender.”

And the Air Force demands that those who serve in its ranks “have respect for the beliefs, authority and worth of others.”

And while as military spouses we don’t take an oath to serve and are not bound by the rules and regulations that govern those who do, we can choose to adopt some of those driving principles.

We can choose to rise above and acknowledge that while we all experience the pains of PCSes and deployments, all must navigate Tricare rules and on-post housing regulations, a great many other aspects of our life are vastly different. And those differences should be celebrated and appreciated instead of singled out or ridiculed.

My challenge to my fellow military spouses is this:

If you find yourself engaged in one of those conversations where you are tempted to draw a line and put someone down, I challenge you to stop and consider that on any given day, you could find yourself on the other side of those comments. That the spouse you are whispering about may end up being the only familiar face at your next duty station. That it is easy to judge another’s actions, but worth the effort to learn what drives actions we cannot understand. That careless words intended to inflict harm to another speaks volumes about your own self worth and will do little to help another military spouse learn and grow.

And if you witness this kind of behavior, I challenge you to take a stand and call it out. Bullying, hazing and disrespect for a person’s self worth and dignity has no place in our community.

That instead of joining in, I challenge you to rise above and extend a hand or an olive branch.

Endeavor to welcome your fellow spouse into your community, be a resource and a friend. Prove by example that we are not a community driven by drama and cattiness.

I challenge you to hold yourself to the same standards of respect that your service member subscribes to and earn respect by giving it.

What challenge would you issue to military spouses?

Should Military Kids Understand Military Rank?

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Her question made me cringe.

My daughters and I were delivering dinner to my husband at his office late one Thursday night when they asked the question that made me cringe:

“Why isn’t Daddy’s photo in the hallway?”

We’re a Navy family so when we deliver food to my husband, we stop by the quarterdeck to check in. Near the quarterdeck desk are the official photos of the battalion commander, executive officer and command master chief.

You know, the people in charge.

The people with high rank.

My husband wasn’t one of those people.

His official Navy photo isn’t framed with a shiny nameplate near the entrance.

That’s fine with us and honestly I didn’t think that our children even noticed salutes, designated parking spots and patches on a uniform.

But they are aware. They do notice. They ask questions. They are curious about the military and that makes them curious about military rank since it’s a part of their father’s job.

Should Military Kids Understand Military Rank?

Military kids, especially young children, do not need to understand military rank.

As a military spouse, I understand the basics of military rank. Basically I know enough to not embarrass myself during introductions at a Navy birthday ball.

But what about my children? Should they know the difference between officers and enlisted service members? Should they understand the different ranks and who reports to whom?

Should military kids understand military rank?

Nope.

I can’t think of a reason why military kids, especially young children, would have a need to understand military rank. I can’t think of a single situation where it would be relevant to their lives.

Now I’m not saying you won’t overhear military kids trying to “pull rank” on each other at the on-base playground.

I occasionally will hear a boy tell another one that “My husband is a gunny so you can’t tell me that” or a teenager say “my dad is really important. His name is in front of our house.”

These offhanded comments make me roll my eyes.

It’s a case of military kids wearing their service member’s rank. We know how inappropriate that is for military spouses so the same guidelines apply to our little ones. And I can’t help but wonder if the child is saying these rank-wearing comments because they’ve heard a parent talk in a similar tone at home.

Here are 3 things military kids need to understand about service members of all ranks.

Be respectful. As a parent, I teach my children to be respectful to all adults. This includes the service members in my neighborhood, the elderly veteran in line at the commissary and their often forgotten bus driver.

I want them to say “yes sir” and “no sir.” These polite habits aren’t only for a select few. Respect is equally given to all adults, regardless of their military rank.

Be appreciative. I hope that one day my children will appreciate the sacrifices of our veterans. No one job is more important than any other job in the Armed Forces. Enlisted? Officer? Special Forces? National Guard? Every person who volunteered to serve in our military deserves to be appreciated for their dedication.

Be independent. Back to my point that military kids don’t wear rank, we need to encourage them to be friends with whomever they want to be friends with. Their parents’ ranks are not a factor in finding friendship.

As a military child, it’s hard enough making new friends at a new school. Let’s not divide this community by rank or military branch.

Now that you know my military rank guidelines for interaction with service members, can you guess how I answered my daughter’s question about the framed photos at the quarterdeck?

I told her plainly that her father doesn’t have one of those 3 jobs. He has a different job at the battalion. Only 3 sailors have their photos hanging there and it’s because they have one of those 3 positions.

I didn’t explain rank structure.

And you know what?

That answer was more than satisfactory for her 3-year-old brain.

Do you think military kids should understand military rank? What do you think when you overhear them discussing rank structure at the playground?

How I Prepare for His Deployment

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My husband and I have had our fair share of deployments, extended TDYs and special duty assignments. And while it has gotten easier to deal with the added stress that comes from having to say goodbye, it is never truly easy.

Preparing is often difficult, because it means you have to come to terms with the fact that your loved one will be headed into harm’s way.

For me, there are 4 broad areas of preparation necessary before any deployment: financial, physical, emotional and mental.

How I Prepare for His Deployment

Financial Preparation

Even if you share bill-paying responsibilities, make a point to sit down and go over your finances. This includes all of your bills, investments, credit cards and bank accounts. Make sure you know how to access the accounts and have contact information for each of them.

Consider getting a limited power of attorney. It can be exceptionally frustrating to be unable to upgrade a cell phone plan or resolve a billing discrepancy because your spouse’s name is the only one on the account. Plus, should you lose your military dependent ID card or need to make any changes to DEERS, a power of attorney means you can take care of it.

How I Prepare for His Deployment

What are your deployment preparation tips? Anything that you must do before your service member ships out?

While you are making preparations, make sure you go over both your and your spouse’s wills. It is touchy subject for some, but it is a necessary evil. If you don’t have a will, check with your local legal office for assistance.

Physical Preparation

In the same way that your spouse must make sure they are physically able to deploy, being left behind to manage everything on the homefront also requires you to be healthy and capable.

Before your service member leaves, schedule your annual doctor and dentist appointments. Make sure your prescriptions are filled and up-to-date.

Make taking care of yourself easier while you are dealing with the stress of a deployment.

Physical preparation also takes your surroundings into account. If your spouse always mows the lawn, for example, consider hiring a lawn service or learn how to use the equipment properly if you don’t know how to do it yourself. Again, the idea is to try to make it as easy as possible for you to juggle everything while your spouse is away.

Deployments are a great time to focus on your physical fitness. Exercise can prove to be a great distraction and physical activity has been proven to help improve mood and combat depression.

Emotional Preparation

It’s important to prepare yourself emotionally for the time apart and the added strain of knowing your spouse is in harm’s way. Any emotional stress you’re feeling is often exacerbated by the fact that you don’t want to burden your spouse during phone calls and Skype sessions.

We can never fully prepare for how we are going to handle things emotionally. All we can do is try to put some plans in place to helps us cope when things get tough.

Try to get a good support system in place with a list of folks and phone numbers you can call if you need help. Sometimes just having a fellow military spouse to talk to can make all the difference in the world.

If you need to go home to family or have someone come and stay with you, then do it. There are no shiny medals given for being an emotional martyr, so don’t feel like you have to go it alone.

Try not to isolate yourself. Deployments rarely happen to just one service member in a unit at a time, so consider joining the FRG or family support group. The military has been on a cycle of deployment for the last two decades and there are many programs and resources out there. Make sure you reach out to the chaplain or family support services before your service member deploys so you know what’s available.

Mental Preparation

Hand in hand with dealing with the emotional impact, your mental health is vital to a successful deployment.

One of the best techniques I have found is to make plans to keep myself busy. Taking a class, learning a new skill, trying a new hobby, or even starting a business have all become a focus for my attention while my spouse was deployed.

Left to wander a lonely and bored mind will never been an ally.

Plan ways to keep yourself distracted during the deployment. It’s a great time to focus on yourself a little more than usual and work on any of those self-improvement/self-growth goals you’ve been thinking about.

How do you prepare for your service member’s deployment?