It was one of those days.
You know, the days when nothing seemed to go right? My oldest had dumped a gigantic bag of beads in the middle of the living room floor for the second time that day. My youngest was way past nap time. I was dressed in my usual jeans and seen-better-days T-shirt, my hair was a mess, and I had less than 30 minutes until my husband was due to walk in the door.
My plan to be dressed, pressed, and waiting to sit down to a delicious home-cooked meal had gone out the door hours ago.
And it wasn’t the first time my list of to-dos or taking care of my children had eaten up my entire day.
I so wanted to be that military spouse who had the house cleaned and dinner neatly prepared when my soldier walked through the door.
The same daydream had me perfectly coiffed and dressed to impress. And every time I didn’t hit that goal of “perfect” spouse, I felt like a failure.
If I couldn’t do it all when he was able to come home every night, what did that say about my abilities when he was deployed?
After all, he was doing all the hard work, putting on the uniform and training to be of service to our country. He needed a spouse capable of taking care of everything at home. If I couldn’t do it all when he was able to come home every night, what did that say about my abilities when he was deployed?
After a particularly stressful afternoon that had all of my kids recovering from temper tantrums and me in tears, a close friend stopped by for coffee. She was everything I wanted to be. She always looked great. Her house was always immaculate. And I’d never seen her stress about anything.
After confessing my feelings of inadequacy, she changed my entire world with just one sentence.
There is no such thing as a perfect military spouse.
What? How could that be? There were those, just like her, who always had it together. The spouse next door who always had his kids ready and at the bus stop on time. The commander’s wife who always made hosting company events look easy.
She repeated herself.
There’s no such thing as a perfect military spouse.
The look on my face must have confessed my disbelief. Over the next few minutes she confessed to a few cracks in what I thought was her perfect façade. I felt a little better, but I still wasn’t wholly convinced.
I begged her to share her secrets with me. How did she make it all look so easy? She just laughed and challenged me to change my way of thinking.
“So what if your house isn’t perfect? So what if macaroni and cheese is the best dinner you can muster? Those things are not required to make you worthy of love and respect. We each have our strengths. Be your best you and that’s good enough.”
I sat quietly and tried to take those words in. Was it possible to be the best me without being perfect? Could I be the strong, capable military spouse my soldier needed and not be good at everything?
The answer is yes.
My belief in that idea didn’t happen overnight. It took a lot of work and introspection. It took time to learn to quiet that inner voice that told me I was a failure and give the stage to the part of me that got up every day and did my best.
I am incredibly thankful I had a friend to intervene and set me straight.
And I hope, should you ever find yourself in a similar mindset that you remember:
There is no such thing as a perfect military spouse.
No matter who you are, where you are from or what you are struggling with, you are worthy of love and respect.
Even if it means that the dusting or vacuuming should have been done yesterday.
Even if it means that PB&J is what’s on the menu tonight.
Live every day with the intent to be the best possible you that you can. The best you is more than good enough.
I smiled as I read this article, it was such a re-creation if my life as a young military spouse. It does get better.?
27 year’s as milatary wife and a house full of kids sure put me there too! It took time for me to find peace in my soul and realize my husband didn’t need or want a perfect angel. He wanted the best me I could be each day. I wish I had known what I know now 30 years ago but that’s not how it works. We get to muddle through and figure it out as we go. Do your best and that is all you need to do each day. Be grateful for friends who support each other to help us get through each day.