I recently read an open letter from a military spouse. In this open letter this military wife unleashes all of her emotions about how she feels about women who serve in the military, how she thinks female service members feel about military wives and how these two group treat each other.
She clearly feels threatened by female service members and blames men for making her feel that way.
I do not feel threatened by female service members. I’m impressed by them.
That’s what her letter comes down to or that’s what I’ve taken away from the read.
Initially I didn’t want to read the entire article, which is not like me at all. The executive editor pleaded with the readers in her foreword to read all the way to the end though, so I did.
The beginning mostly sounds like the whiny rant of a young military spouse.
That’s why I didn’t want to read further, but I did and I thought about what she said.
I Don’t Feel Threatened by Anyone
I certainly don’t feel threatened by anyone. Why would I?
Apparently, there are military wives that do or this letter wouldn’t have been written. I have been part of military life my entire life. Both of my parents were in the Army and my husband is in the Navy.
My husband does not serve on a ship. He serves in a small community that’s different from fleet Navy. There are a small number of female service members in this field. I do not feel threatened by them.
I’m impressed by them. Being a service member is a really tough job. It’s especially hard for a female. I think it’s amazing that these women are physically able to do the things that are required by this job.
I Feel Like Fighting on Behalf of Female Service Members
It takes an emotionally strong woman to be in a male-dominated field.
I hear what some of the men say about the female service members.
They don’t think they belong in the military.
They think they aren’t good enough.
And no matter how hard they work they won’t cut it in their minds.
Unlike the author of that open letter who wants to soak up every bit of that kind of conversation, I feel like fighting on behalf of the female service member.
The Relationship Between Military Wives and Female Service Members Is Complicated
I mentioned this open letter to a few military wives that have husbands serving on ships. They completely agreed with the author of that letter.
They relayed tales of male service members being kicked off ships for sleeping with female service members, of people cheating on their spouses while at sea and how female service members are a distraction to the mission.
They feel threatened by their presence.
Likewise, female service members taunt military wives for being overweight, lazy and unambitious.
They feel that military wives use their spouses’ rank to get their way.
They feel that military wives make up things to get them off ships.
It’s a pretty rough relationship between military wives and female service members.
Some of these situations are based off real events, but not all military wives fit this description and not all female service members act this way.
I’ve heard of these stereotypes but have never faced these situations, nor did I know it was such a big problem. I’m sure there are plenty more military wives and female service members that have experience with this.
If a man is unfaithful, it doesn’t matter if the other woman is service related or civilian.
Most female service members are outstanding in their career field and are to be commended.
I was a female military member in the Navy on shore duty in Naples, Italy. When I served there was a feeling of neutrality between the spouses and service men and women. No one expressed open hostility towards us. In fact they acted very decent towards us. On holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving they made open invitations to ask us single service members to their homes for dinner and wives clubs and the chapel women’s club made cookies for our Christmas stockings and distributed them in the BEQ. During day to day interactions on trips and in the Commissary and Exchange they showed us no disrespect. I think if they knew if their husbands were cheaters’ such behavior would exist whether or not that husband served in the military or worked in a civilian job. In that case it would be up to them to resolve the issue. I know that had I felt threatened with sexual harassment I would have filed a grievance against the guilty man and not to have allowed him to take his bad behavior too far. Most service men knew this and valued their marriages and their careers in the military too much to behave that way.
I think women are too judgmental of each other and shouldn’t bother being so. Each of us has our roles and we are each smart and willing and capable of doing what we are doing. This woman is feeling overwhelmed. She is lonely and feeling threatened. When your spouse works in a field where they spend so much time with women, it’s only natural for defense mechanisms to arise. On the other side, women who have opted to serve are brave and strong and have incredible wherewithal, spouses are a tad envious of you. They know how hard you work, they expect you to know how hard they work too. It’s a mutual respect thing. Both sides have to have it. But it goes for all women everywhere; we must learn to raise each other up rather than put each other down
It is a shame that some women feel this way. I was a female service member and a spouse of a service member. I never felt this way because I am secure in myself. If my husband was unfaithful to me I do not blame the other women. I blame him. We need to stop looking at each other that way and encourage each other. While married to a service member can be tough but understand that your relationship is not based on someone else, put that energy into keeping your marriage strong.
I have been on both sides. Military spouse and active duty. When I was the spouse, it never occurred to me to to feel threatened by the women who served. I didn’t blame them for my husbands infidelity, I knew who was responsible. I was in awe of the women and when we divorced, I joined the military. Most of us who serve with your husbands wouldn’t have them if they were served up to us on a silver platter. We work with them and see the real deal. We hear the talk about family and wives. We see how they act and treat you. We know what they do when they are deployed. Most are good honorable men. Then there are the others. Why would we want those “others”? Personally, I have a great deal of respect for the spouses of military service people. I know how hard it is to take charge then be required to relinquish that role when they come home. If you have to worry and feel threatened, let them go and find someone who deserves your loyalty. It might be rough at first but it gets lots better and you and your family deserve the peace of mind and respect independence brings.
My name is Ivette my active duty spouse was a cheat. You know what happens TDY stays TDY. He did not cheat with active duty personnel but with the bored wives of the active duty who frequented the club or the single ones that had no respect for marriage. The last time he was on a Geographical bachelor tour and he was living with a divorced contractor I found out because of the Post Newspaper. His picture and hers were plastered on the page. So there is no need to have antagonistic feelings about female service members. They are not at fault for some of us picking the wrong men. I do fault the military brotherhood around them that keep the secret and do not advise them to do the right thing, In my case I called the Chaplain and he knew the truth, the other female was not the wife like everyone thought she was. Oh by the way the picture was taken off the internet the same day they published it. But the cake said Mr. and Mrs. I have never put a foot in that location so they all knew it was a lie. I think it is a female problem if a couple meets a single military male/civilian male they invite him for BBQ’s and dinner parties on the other hand a female military female/civilian female they are not invited I guess they rationalize it with we know how to cook or we might look at their men. After my divorce all friends stopped talking to me, not even a Hi in the Commissary. IDK
I am both a military spouse and a military member, my husband was as well (both a spouse and a member), I didn’t seem to get the threatened feeling by other spouses because of possible infidelity or history of it, plus I was in the medical field which was predominately female anyways, where I got it was when I would join PTOs and help out at the school. I remember overhearing a conversation about a couple of spouses deployed and how some of them were struggling with the single parent life, and one of them asked me, “what about you? Do you understand what we mean?” And I actually did, between 4 tours with my husband and him 2 tours with me, I understood completely. But as soon as I said I deployed, their attitudes were oddly different as if I couldn’t completely understand the entire ,military spouse life…. No I do understand it very well and possibly even more so because I’m also the mom that had to deploy that would get the kids to school and their hair done and lunches made. My deployment made my husband step up more and now we are sharing the load evenly. But it had never been the same when they know that I am in the military as well so I am not a full military spouse (whatever that means). Oh but they all loved my husband when I dragged him to help but like I said, they would be nice to me at first but as soon as they knew I wasn’t just a military spouse or the stay at home mom, but also in the military their attitudes changed. I just wanted to get to know other moms since their child were friends with mine and unfortunately I was not always successful. My thoughts are, get to know people, have an opinion of them once you get to know them not by what you know of them, military member or spouse, we all move around a lot, we all go through TDYs and deployments, we all experience it.