“Military spouses are just civilians.”
“Spouses are not military; they are civilians like everyone else.”
“Just because you are married to someone in the military doesn’t mean you are in the military, quit saying you are.”
Have you heard any of these phrases before?
I have.
I have even had to backtrack when someone assumed that I had served too because I said something about how “we” were in the military when talking about our experiences as a military family. That was frustrating.
I get it.
As military spouses we are not actually IN the military. I am not sure many military spouses think they are. However, life is different when you are married to someone in the military. Life is more complicated and just so different from life in a civilian family.
When my husband joined the military, everything changed. We had spent about 3 years as a married couple before he joined. When he signed up, everything was different. We were no longer a civilian family, we were a military one.
Having lived both types of lives, I see a huge difference. When people tell me they are similar, I just have to laugh. Life could be exactly the same for some military spouses, but that has not been my personal experience at all. Life changed when he enlisted.
Although military spouses are technically civilians and not in the military themselves, hearing that we are “simply civilians” can seem a bit shallow.
Hearing that can make you feel like you don’t matter or that what you have been though doesn’t matter. Hearing those words can cause military spouses to feel like they are not a part of the military when they really are.
The truth is, when you are married to a member of the military, you are not living a civilian lifestyle, you are living a military one. The military has a lot of say over your life. They tell you where you need to live, when your spouse will be home, if you will have to go months and months without seeing them, whether you can go on vacation, etc. Living a military life is very different from living a civilian one.
Before the military my husband worked a job where he left at about 7 a.m. and was home before 5 p.m. He could take time off without much issue. If he was sick, he didn’t have to go anywhere, he would just pick up the phone and call in. If we wanted to go somewhere, he didn’t have to get a special pass to go further then 250 miles. He didn’t have to get his leave approved only to have that taken away at the last minute. Life was simpler because although he had a boss and an employer, they didn’t have the same type of control over him that the military would.
We should stop saying that military spouses are “simply civilians” because it just doesn’t make any sense to do so. Yes, we know that military spouses didn’t sign up to serve in the military. We understand that but there is no reason to call us civilians. Doing so puts up a wall that doesn’t need to be there.
So what are military spouses? If we are not serving in the military but we are not quite civilians, what are we? Some sort of hybrid?
Half military, half civilian? I don’t like that description either.
I think we are military spouses and we should be called just that. Military spouses are the backbone of the military community. They are the ones that can support the military service member and help them through their career.
As a Navy retiree, that kind of comment is certainly not appropriate. Julie certainly has a truly valid point. I am the first to acknowledge that my wonderful wife of 45 years, this month, worked harder than I ever did! I try to take every chance I can to give her the credit where credit is due. I think it would be appropriate to tell folks to please thank my wife, especially, when they take the opportunity to thank me for my service.
The spouses of active duty soldiers have a very difficult job to do. They raise the children when the soldier is not home and handle all of the events that come up while raising children. The spouses have the most difficult job, as while we are deployed to god knows where we know that we are ok and well trained for the job that we have to do. the wife does not know and in some cases do not even know where we are or what we are doing so out peace of mind is clear and settled while the wife has not idea where we are or what we are doing. The spouse has the most to deal with. The spouse of active duty soldier do not know where there husband or wife is at or even what they are doing. The spouse keeps the family together and has to be both father and mother.
Very well written and thought out! As a fellow Navy retiree, I feel the same way Paul. My wife stuck by my side through a combination of 27 years (active and reserve)!
I don’t think its a big deal being called “simply civilian” as a mil spouse. Being a military veteran (United States Marine Corps) turned military spouse myself, I have no problem saying “I’m a part of 1stCiv Div…UCMJ does not apply to me anymore” I am a civilian now and I don’t have an issue acknowledging that! There are a lot of jobs that don’t have a typical schedule/lifestyle to them! I am a federal law enforcement officer. That involves working every single evening, weekend, and holiday for the first 5-6 years of employment. That involves living in remote locations. Living away from your spouse. That involves being mandoed for 16 (sometimes 18) hour days. Dealing with homicide, drug overdoses, and gang violence on weekly basis…I had death on my hands less than a month after I started working… I feel bad for my spouse having to put up with all of that but still it is my job, not his …so there is nothing different for him being a Law Enforcement spouse as opposed to teacher’s or accountant’s spouse…he is an amazing husband no matter what occupation I am smile emoticon and I love him dearly
The support that spouses provide is immeasurable, they may not wear the uniform but they bear some of the hardest burdens of service and ease the burdens of those who do.
Ben Franklin summed it up simply as;
“For the want of a nail the shoe was lost,
For the want of a shoe the horse was lost,
For the want of a horse the rider was lost,
For the want of a rider the battle was lost,
For the want of a battle the kingdom was lost,
And all for the want of a horseshoe-nail.”
― Benjamin Franklin
A military spouse and a military child is every bit as military as their sponsor! Don’t for one minute think that wives and children do not serve right along with their father, husband, etc. First I was a military dependent as my father served during WWII, the Korean conflict and what ever the popular name is for Viet Nam (I call it a farce). My father spent 13 months in country and I was not a happy daughter. I did learn how to replace pipes after the pipes froze which might not have happened if he were home with his family.
I did not learn how unimportant military dependents were until I married. In boot camp they said wives aren’t issued with your sea bag. A few years later we were in Norfolk, Virginia and there was a hurricane warning. My husband had to leave us to fend for ourselves because he belonged to the military.
I may not be out there fighting, but I am here making sure our kids grow up being proud of daddy’s career. It is very hard to be alone and hard to make decisions knowing your husband is out there fighting for our freedom. I miss him and am very proud of him and will always support all the choices he makes. I don’t consider myself just a civilian, but a spouse of military man going through the same struggles he is.
I too take offense at the statement that we are “just civilians”
We, the spouse of the military member are the glue that holds it all together.
We serve beside that man/woman who is defending this country.
We too, are deserving of respect and gratitude.
Who EVER came up with this thinking is an “IDIOT”!!!!!.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH
Having been a military spouse for 19 years and counting, it certainly is different from civilian life. While I have not served IN the military, I have certainly served THE military. When you live on post, you are also subject to military rules and regulations, you deal with constant moves and lifestyle changes, and, depending on your spouse’s rank, certain things are expected of you by his command. I wouldn’t trade the experience for the world but anyone who hasn’t experienced life in the active duty military would not understand. And yes, my husband and I both refer to it as “our” career.
I was in the military when I married my military husband, in fact I out ranked him so I made the most money per rank. When you are shopping in the BX or the commissary you can tell who has been military and who hasn’t when it comes to a spouse. I enjoy seeing military women in uniform, and thanking them for keeping us free.
I have seen way to many women that want to carry their husbands rank. If you want rank join and serve.
married to the military ,.back in the days, the ironing uniforms ,cleaning the gear before an inspection ,husband whom goes to the field 2 weeks to 6months . I had shine boots ,awake up at 4 in the morning to dropped my husband off so packing up and awake up my baby boy (now a US soldier ) and relying on strangers for help, not a life that a civilian spouse has. everything I do reflects on my husband….22 years giving for the US Army. that’s the only life I know. I am a military spouse (proud) not a civilian ..
Calling a military spouse a civilian isn’t shallow, it’s efficient. It’s being clear about one’s affiliation to the military.
ci·vil·ian
səˈvilyən/
noun
1.
a person not in the armed services or the police force.
synonyms: noncombatant, nonmilitary person, ordinary citizen, private citizen; informalcivvy
“family members and other civilians were quickly evacuated from the post.”
Any negative connotation to the word instigated by this article is self-imposed. The term civilian is just a noun, you determine how you feel about being one.
Referring to a spouse as a civilian, In my opinion, is simply clarifying whether you are in a mil-civ marriage or a dual-mil one. Dual-mil couples are legally required to have family care plans for their children, and may end up being stationed separately. They face distinctly different challenges than other marriages.
According to the article, the author has had some frustration being mis-identified as a servicemember herself because of personal predjudice against the word “civilian.” Stop saying “we are in” and you should stop confusing people.
I’m sorry about your feelings, but no matter your proximity to military service, you as a civilian will not be ordered to engage in combat. You have not sworn your life to protect and defend against all enemies foreign and domestic. That’s what makes you a civilian/military spouse and not a service member.
Lastly, you are wrong in saying that the Army determines where you live and whether or not you can go on vacation. It determines where your husband lives and whether HE can go on vacation. However undesirable as it sounds, you can live where ever you want. Your husband will just have to make sure he covers the bills.
I remember getting a letter of reprimand because the Housing Officer came to our quarters to inspect and it was not in the shape he thought it should be. I had no idea until the Master Chief chewed my butt and handed me the document. I was quite embarrassed by the incident. One of the things he said was, ” it’s stupid crap like this that will ruin your career”., Then he added, “Get you house, your wife and your career in order”
My wife and I had a long talk and she talked to some of the other wives. She and I worked together and cleaned up our home, our attitudes about government housing, our spendthrift ways, and the focus and goals for our life. I believe that this attitude change saved my career.. If your spouse gets “known” by base personnel or the wives of your ship’s company as “Loose Gear”. you will not go anywhere and easily could get you bounced right out. Anything you might screw up will be coupled with anything your spouse has left in the minds of the “Bosses”. It will be one more thing that makes you both look bad.
We military folks must be “squared away” all the time. That is one of the prices we pay for promotions, good pay, a choice assignment on occasion, and benefits. Your actions can not embarrass your Service or our Government whether that is local or national. Be smart, be “squared away”, be polite to a fault, and don’t bring attention to yourself or your spouse. If you and your family can keep this up in “public” you will have a fine career and a lot of positive recognition.
I don’t know how it is now. I have been gone way to long. I tell you this from our experience. The way things are now they probably can’t do much to you anymore. This is how it was THEN.
Regards, Bill
I’ve been on both sides. I was a military spouse with a deployed husband and that was hard. Then I became the deployed spouse when I deployed to Iraq. Then I was the one with the threat of death every day. Yes that was my job, but I realized that it was harder to be the one at home. It’s hard being under threat but it’s your life and job and you accept it, but your family at home worries constantly. They hear and watch the news and the so helpful friends and family who make sure to always tell you what they heard. You worry That’s called love. You worry more for your loved ones safety more than your own. You know you can’t always protect your loved ones and that is what makes it hard. You know that unlike the police and fire, if your military member is hurt you can’t run to the hospital to see them. You must wait weeks even months to see them again. Constantly worrying that your spouse is hurt or killed and you just don’t know yet. I heard that worry in my husbands voice whenever I spoke to him and so did everyone I was deployed with when they got the chance to speak to their loved ones. I would take the deployed job any day. This may upset some military but being the nondeployed spouse is the hardest job the military has. When someone tells me “their spouse is the military member” I will thank their spouse for their service, but I ALSO thank the nondeployed, often overlooked spouse for their service because to me they have the much harder job. Yes they are a member of the military team because no matter what the military may say, the love and support of the men and women who are spouses of the military is cruicial to good order and discipline. We do our jobs better because of them. They are irreplaceable. So “Thank You” to every military and prior military spouse for your service. Because anyone who has ever loved someone knows that its harder to love than be loved.