What is “having it all?”
For me, having it all means having a job in my profession with my spouse also working in his field. It means a decent house in a safe neighborhood and reliable child care. Having it all means the ability to take a vacation every year. Having it all means that my marriage, family life, professional life and personal interests are able to work together.
What do you think? Can military spouses have it all?
With the recent release of their study, The Force Behind the Force, the Institute for Veterans and Military Families (IVMF) lays out some troubling statistics.
Essentially, this study tells us what military spouses already know: we are underemployed and unemployed in staggering numbers as an almost direct result of our spouse’s military service.
In his opinion, 2012 Military Spouse of the Year Jeremy Hilton dissects the results and reaches the conclusion that military spouses cannot “have it all” in the traditional work/life/family balance. And he’s not wrong.
The “powers that be” offer solutions: volunteer, work for the government or work remotely. Which is great, for those lucky few who have the skills in the markets that allow those kinds of flexible jobs.
In my time as a military spouse, I have sacrificed almost a decade of professional teaching experience so that my husband can honorably serve this country. Since receiving my master’s degree in 2009, I have taught in a school district for 2 years. I know that my personal job prospects suffer for each year that I am out of the classroom. Even with writing an education blog and being active in professional learning networks online, I am moving out of the loop.
My salary expectations are suffering too. My peers, with similar degrees earned at similar times, are several steps ahead of me. This way of paying teachers is not unlike the military and government method: years of experience and education combine to indicate a salary. With only 2 years on the books, I’m earning at least 4 years – 4 steps – below my peers.
When I have voiced concerns about this in online forums, some military spouses have been dismissive and down right critical.
After all, I knew what I was getting into. I should have expected to shell out hundreds or thousands of dollars every few years to get a new license or maintain a current license.
If not, I should be prepared to walk away from an expensive education and a profession that I am passionate about. Or find a different passion or cobble together some other wage earning position(s). No slack should be cut. I should be happy with what I get, even if it is scraps compared to what my professional peers rate, these critical voices tell me.
Here’s the thing: I have seen how I could have it all.
I had it all for a very brief window. I had my dream job in my dream school. My spouse also had an assignment he loved. We were both being paid competitive wages, with the opportunity to advance. We had reliable and affordable child care.
And then we got PCS orders.
Suddenly, my career was at square one. Child care involved endless waiting lists and it was just easier to stay at home with my child. I gave in. I stopped fighting. I told myself that I couldn’t have it all.
Then we moved again. So I started again.
Now we are expecting another child, which is amazing, except that it means that my career will once again take a back seat. If I wasn’t a military spouse, I would have been in one or two districts over the last 6 years. I would have earned tenure on the faculty. I would have earned Family Medical Leave Allowance. I would have been able to bank sick days for years to compensate for the post-birth time off.
So, can military spouses have it all?
In short, yes. Sometimes.
When all the stars align and the pieces of the puzzles fall into place, for brief periods of time, military spouses can have it all. I have been to that promised land and I have been kicked out again.
Most of the time, military spouses will probably not have it all.
By the time we line up the child care and the best job, orders will be imminent. Or another child will be on the way. Or deployment and training will pop up again.
And we will be back at square one: new location, no job, a few kids and gaps in our paid job experience that no amount of volunteering or blogging will ever hope to fill.
We will be chasing our professional licenses, hunting on the job boards and calling child care places to see if there is any hope of an opening.
We become part of the statistics for unemployed or underemployed military spouses.
I think it would be a rare thing to find a military spouse who could claim they have it all. It’s more like, “I will have it all” or “I once had it all”, or “I’ve adjust what ‘all’ means so I can say I have it all.” My spouse is just a few years away for retirement and I’ve found it is getting even harder to a) believe that I can still have the “dream” career I want (I’m no spring chicken, you know) and b) stay patient for the opportunity to see if there really is a “normal” life on the other side of the gate.
Perhaps we should redefine what it means to “have it all” If we were to define it as having a ton of:
1. patience,
2. tolerance,
3. ingenuity,
4. resilience, and
5. sacrifice
then we could all say, “Why, yes, military spouses can and do have it all.” Otherwise, I think we are left with only our two best secret weapons, perspective and love, to make the best of what we’ve got.
Not to mention the complete devastation if after 23 years of all that sacrifice your spouse chooses to divorce you, leaving you destitute and having to start over late in life with kids to care for. Many people will say that by that time you should have benefits to live on, but unfortunately not so. At least not unless you plan to spend precious time and resources fighting in court. At times like this you realize that the military is for the service member and not the spouse and family who facilitate that soldier’s career moving forward. So sad. One day maybe someone will be able to get the powers that be to provide support and provision for spouse and kids who find themselves in that position through no fault of their own.
I am a retired Army wife. We retired 1 Jan ’91. I see your point and knew several wives that had professions that being a military wife often interrupted their advancing and even finding a job. When we first married I had graduated from beautician school in ’69 and we married in ’71. Although I didn’t have to work I wanted to just have something to do, we were 21 yrs old, no kids yet so we were enjoying our first few years as we wanted. We were never stationed anywhere where my Maryland beautician license had reciprocity. This meant I either had to re-take the test, which when we first married our duty station was at Homestead Air Force Base, FL and it would have cost me close to $400 or more. I would have had to stay the night in Jacksonville, so that meant a room for us and then a room for my model so I could take the practical test and then the theory. He was a Spec 4 and as you know back then the cost was more than my husband made! I tried working on post but that was not easy, but it was at least good knowing that a military base/post was neutral territory and all state licenses were legal. I gave up the idea of doing hair and just did some friends now and again. We had our first child in ’76 and then went to Germany, I had everything then though too. I wasn’t working but I was raising our daughter and my husband is the type to be a hands on parent when he was home. His usual schedule was 24 on/24 off. He was a Nike Missile repair tech. After Germany we returned to the states and I was pregnant with our son in ’79. I started doing volunteer work with the NCO Wives, holding office and volunteering to decorate the NCO Club, ACS starting a newsletter and several other things. I even ended up getting a job by volunteering at the new roller rink on White Sands Missile Range, NM where we came to after Germany the first tour, and I was hired to manage it! Well we then got transferred down to El Paso, TX and keeping the job (I would also have worked for Rec Services as well) as the drive was just too much and I would be working nights, etc. With 2 kids and hubby working his usual schedule it just wasn’t a good idea. Another tour of Germany in ’84 and this time we came to Redstone Arsenal, AL (Huntsville area and live in Madison). I was asked to start subbing and although already working at a video store (again getting a job helping them do their contracts you signed for membership) so now I am working 2 jobs, subbing on a regular basis and working the video store in the evenings and weekends. I loved it! I then decided to go to school to become a Sec Ed teacher majoring in Eng/Hist. I started college for the first time at the age of 38. As I look back I think I did and still do live the ideal life for me. Maybe we missed things as far as getting to go home for different celebrations and other things, but actually my family became the other military members we met in our 20 yr journey. Our children love looking back at things they got to see and do that many others didn’t. They loved me being at their schools, taking them places with friends, etc. Sure it may have been nice if I had been able to finish college but in my jr yr my migraines had increased and I ended up having to quit. I was disappointed but the military by that time had nothing to do with it and I started working as a pharmacy tech for 5 yrs at Rite Aid. I can understand your disappointments if not being able to get tenure due to transfers and a friend of mine went through that as well, but we made the decisions to marry a military member, we wanted this life no one forced us. Are there disappointments, of course there are, but my experiences and people I have met and the jobs I have had I may never have had if it were not for my husband staying in. The military life is not for everyone and divorce rates are high in some jobs, but we have stuck it out and now married 45 yrs, 2 kids, 3 grandsons and a granddaughter due in Jan ’17. I’d say maybe my life wasn’t what we expected, but it was what we had and for the most part I would say it was pretty perfect. Had you lived in one place, say staying around your families, doesn’t guarantee that your life would have been ideal either. I know you aren’t upset about your life but there are disappointments. Just remember it was choice and you love your husband and family, and there are NO guarantees of happiness no matter what the choice, it is up to us to do that. Please I am not cutting you down, just giving my perspective. If I sounded harsh or disrespectful (I don’t think I did) I am sorry. The military is still my family and I am proud of being a retired Army wife.