Your husband just got deployment orders and you are wondering how you are going to get through the next year alone.
Then you remember something your mother-in-law told you. She would move in if you ever need extra help with your kids. You think long and hard about it and decide that having her move in while your spouse is deployed is a smart thing to do.
Sound familiar?
Having someone move in with you might be the best way for you to get through the deployment.
Sometimes this is what a military spouse has to do in order to get through the deployment. She has to ask her mom or her mother-in-law to move in for an extended period of time.
In order for this to work one would have to be able to live with that person. If you just don’t get along in general, having them move in is probably not a good idea.
When my husband was deployed the first time I knew that I would probably have to give birth to my second little boy by myself. I decided to see if my own mom could live with us for 2 months. She wasn’t there the whole deployment but she sure did help during the 2 months she was with us. Since I also had a two-year-old she was able to be there for him in ways that I couldn’t. This was especially helpful after I had my baby so I could focus more on the baby knowing that my 2-year-old was in good hands.
Related: Moving in with Your Parents during a Deployment
I have also known a few spouses that did have a mom or their mother-in-law move in during the whole deployment. They knew their limits and they had circumstances that allowed this to happen. The grandma was able to come and stay for an extended period of time even though she left behind her everyday life at home.
Has your mother or mother-in-law lived with you during a deployment?
If you are facing a deployment and are considering asking a family member to move in during the time your spouse will be away, make sure you really think about all the details.
Here are a few questions to consider before grandma moves in:
- Will you be able to live with this person each and every day? Living together for months is different then a 2-week visit.
- Are they willing to give up their lives back home for you? Will they miss other family members too much? Will they have to quit their job?
- Can you talk openly about budgets and expectations? How often will you need them to help with the kids? What chores would you like them to do? Will you need them to help buy groceries?
There are so many benefits to having a family member move in. You can live with another adult, have help with the children and can stay in your own home verses moving somewhere during the deployment.
Really think about what would work best for you and go from there. Having someone move in with you might really be the best way for you to get through the deployment.
If your mom or mother-in-law wants to move in, it is also OK to say no to that proposal if you don’t think the arrangement would be a good idea. Talk things out with them to figure out what would work best for you and your family.
Has your mother or mother-in-law lived with you during a deployment? Would you recommend it?
Yes, I have done this a few times and again soon at the end of June will be another grandma trip (1,500 miles away yes I drive this route, one time I arrived there and two days later we took a road trip back to grandmas for the summer) to take care of the granddaughter so mom can still work and go to school, while I shuttle her off to cheerleading practice and other activities. I help with house chores, cleaning and cooking along with lawn work. I am just glad I am able to help out to keep the house working as if dad is still home.
I have done this. When my Air Force son was deployed to Afghanistan and his wife was pregnant, I stayed with her for nine months until he returned. It gave me a chance to not only help, but to get to know her so much better. They live on base, and she was new to the military and I am a retired Chief so I could help in a unique way. These days with Facebook, Skype and other things it is easier to be able to do this. Plus, I am a freelance writer so I can work from anywhere with an Internet connection. My hubby understood, he is also a retired Chief and knew it was for the greater good. Plus I got to bond with baby when she was born! And now she is a wonderful little 2 year old that we see a few times a year. Ah, the military life!
I feel like the only one that never did this. I felt I was adult enough to get married and have kids, I was adult enough to get out of my mom’s back pocket. I guess I learned how to be independent from my own mom because my dad was a truck driver and was gone a lot. Yes, I had two kids during our first deployment. We lived in Germany. That deployment was 15 months. I took the kids to school everyday and took care of things. Our second and third deployment we had 3 kids and lived in Texas. Those deployments were 12 months each. I worked, went to school, was a Sunday School teacher, we had cub scouts, dance lessons, and other activities. Guess what? I made it work! I didn’t have a ton of friends. My whole family lived in South Carolina. I was a parent and had to make it work! The last thing my husband needed was to worry about us while he was deployed. He didn’t have to! I took care of the kids, the house, the bills, the pets, and he was proud he married an independent woman.
Dear Candi,
I am so sorry you had to do it alone. God bless your heart.