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When Your Support Squad Moves Away

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I ran out of toilet paper. Actually, we didn’t have any toilet paper because we hadn’t even moved in yet. When I came knocking for a spare roll, she was happy to hand me one from her stash.

And then stepped in to help with child care duties when I got a stomach bug I just couldn’t shake.

When I was in the hospital for baby two, she was there again for sleepovers and dog walking.

For almost 18 months, we did everything together. Playdates and morning coffee and life.

Then the PCS orders came for her family, but not mine.

Now, my support squad is on another continent.

When Your Support Squad Moves Away From You

I tend to rely on just a few close friends at each duty station. When one of my besties moves away, there’s a big hole in my social and support networks.

When Your Support Squad PCSes, But You Don’t

Military spouses often build support networks with other spouses simply because it works the best in terms of stability. My kids’ school knows to call the emergency contacts right after they call me, just in case their dad is away.

Suddenly, I was adrift without my person. Yes, my spouse was still there with me, but he’s in and out for the most part.

My days were less full after she PCSed. No more morning spur-of-the-moment coffee dates or afternoons spent watching the kids play. I couldn’t run across the street for sugar or to grab dinner with when the guys were gone. She was a world away from me.

It’s OK to Grieve

Military spouses are used to change. It’s practically our middle name! Between deployments and PCSing and weird TDY schedules, our lives are in flux. But no matter where we live, we build our support networks to help keep our sanity.

When your friend PCSes while you stay behind, you’re losing a piece of your life. Things are going to change drastically, even though it seems like everything will be remaining the same.

It’s OK to grieve. Give yourself permission to feel sad, to withdraw or to be upset at the military powers that be.

Rebuild Your Network

I tend to rely on just a few close friends at each duty station. It’s easier for me to manage emotionally than a constantly rotating crew. When one of my besties moves away, there’s a big hole in my social and support networks.

Even though I’m missing my pal, I know that it’s important to keep in touch with the other folks in my circle. They might also be missing your PCSed friend too.

Reach out to your local friends and put some events on your calendars. Getting out there and connecting with friends can help you to feel better! Plus, you’ll remind yourself that your support network does still exist. You’ve got people to turn to where you are, even if you forgot about it for a minute.

If you’re truly flying solo, it’s time to make new connections. One great way to find new friends is to connect through your unit’s family readiness group or social activities. Find a group, like Stroller Warriors or religious study or PTO, to join. You’ll find like-minded individuals who might be looking for their “person” too!

Stay in Touch

Remember, your friend is still out there, even though you’re not co-located anymore. While they can’t handle daycare pickup or meet you for lunch, you can still find support from each other.

Our social media world offers us the chance to connect virtually around the world! Share photos, send messages and video chat as often as you can. You can still share a cup of tea over Skype or gripe about the latest visit from Deployment Murphy.

Old-fashioned snail mail is another great way to stay connected. Build care packages to send for special occasions or just whenever the mood strikes. Fill a box or big envelope with letters, local treats and thoughtful gifts that will bring a smile to your friend’s face.

Whenever possible arrange a visit to their new location. You’ll be able to score some amazing face time and explore a new place at the same time. You could make it a girls weekend and leave the kids at home. Or bring the whole family for a giant reunion!

It’s a Small Military

Depending on your branch of service or your spouse’s job, there is a strong chance that you might end up stationed together again!

Many military families keep rotating between the same few duty stations over the course of a career. While you may be separated now, you could end up just down the street or a town apart after the next move.

Even if you don’t end up neighbors quite so soon, you might find mutual friends after your next move. Building new friendships based on your older ones is a great way to expand your circle.

Do you have any tips for building a support network after a close friend moves away? Share your experiences in the comments!

I Crossed the Unwritten Officer and Enlisted Friendship Line

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I joined the military spouse ranks at the end of an era. Which specific era, you might wonder? Well, the end of the blatant separation of spouses into “officer” and “enlisted.”

When my husband was wrapping up his stint at initial training, all of us wives (and it was only wives) were herded into an auditorium and given the rundown on life as a USMC spouse. We learned the ropes from a seasoned spouse and were handed a copy of Parade Rest.

We were lectured about protocol and decorum. I, the dependent spouse, was a direct reflection on my husband and his career. My behavior needed to be impeccable at all times. The correct place settings and seating arrangements for every possible formal and informal dinner party was reviewed in my new book.

Oh, and the rules against officer and enlisted fraternization were reviewed. But I didn’t really pay close attention to that part of the seminar. I guess it covered spouses, too. I mean, it must have, based on how other newly minted military spouses were acting.

I crossed the unwritten officer and enlisted friendship line.

And I don’t care. Because that line isn’t a real thing. It’s something that someone way back in the “good old days” created.

Some of the friends that I do life best with happen to be on the “other side” of that line.

The whole rank thing came up once at the beginning of each friendship. And then it was done.

No one blinked.

No one flinched.

Our spouses’ ranks aren’t even discussed, except for a hearty congratulations when someone gets promoted.

I Crossed the Unwritten Officer and Enlisted Friendship Line

We’re all just spouses. By “just” I really mean without the officer or enlisted caveat attached.

I have just a few criteria for my friends. First, be kind to my kids, but don’t be afraid to make them toe the line.

Also, it would be nice to enjoy a few similar hobbies. I’m into true crime, running, reading, writing and being salty about military life.

Finally, I like to have adventures and try new things.

Can you hang with that? Great! You’re in.

This attitude is becoming more and more the norm of military life and friendship among spouses.

The atmosphere has changed slowly over the last decade or so. I’m so glad that it has too. It makes everything much nicer and friendlier. Having an “all-hands” spouses club unites all of us for the good and, honestly, the food.

It wasn’t always like this, even in the very recent past.

I remember overhearing troubling conversations as a young(er) spouse. Harsh, untrue stereotypes were repeated. Some folks thought they could “just tell” what rank someone’s spouse wore based on their accent, clothing, number of children or perceived education level.

When I volunteered in the family readiness group at our first duty station, a few spouses liked to throw down rank very obviously. As if it made a difference to who got the last word.

Related: 10 Situations that Hurt a MilSpouse Friendship

One of my friends from that experience happened to be married to an enlisted Marine. After all the nonsense at my military spouse indoctrination, I was nervous about venturing into this friendship. I didn’t want to create a situation. I hesitated to connect on Facebook. I paused before socializing outside of unit events.

Then my husband set me straight.

We’re all just spouses.

By “just” I really mean without the officer or enlisted caveat attached. At the end of the day, we married the person our hearts connected to the most.

It wasn’t because of what was on their collars, but because of who they are as a human.

Although, if we’re being honest, how they look in dress uniform might have played a role in the process.

Breaking through that invisible O/E friendship barrier was the best thing I’ve done as a spouse. When I decided to stop listening to the stereotypes and the unwritten rules, I gained a whole lot of love, light and laughter.

I’ve got a whole army of amazing friends that I know I can call on, day or night, for anything. Whatever our spouses do, we’ve got each other. And to be honest, none of us are really 100% sure what our active duty other half does some days.

We’re all in this together, all of us military spouses. We are all just trying to get through this wild ride, with our sanity mostly intact. So cross that “line” if you spot a kindred spirit. It will be so worth it.

We want to hear from you! Tell us what “rules” you’ve proudly broken as a military spouse!

No Fanfare for 6 Female Expert Infantryman Badge Earners

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Six female soldiers recently stood among the few who earned the right to wear the Army’s Expert Infantryman Badge.

To earn the badge, they were required to pass a grueling multi-day challenge that tested their modern-day warfighter skills. That list of skills, 30 tasks deep, included passing an Army physical fitness test with a minimum of 80 percent in each category, multiple weapons lanes, day and night land navigation, as well as proficiency in several combat lifesaver skills, chemical decontamination, and an arduous 12-mile ruck march with a 40-pound pack.

The names and units of these female soldiers were not released, and like so many other noteworthy female pioneers, they quietly took their place in the trophy halls of American feminism.

The Expert Infantryman Badge challenge, attempted by hundreds of infantry soldiers each year, remains attainable by only a small percentage. Of the 1,007 who competed in November 2017, only 289 remained standing at the end.

That women could compete and subsequently earn and wear the badge has only recently become an option. We just passed the two-year mark on the history-changing decision to allow women to serve in infantry positions.

In May 2017, the first gender-integrated infantry basic training graduated 18 female soldiers. Those soldiers now serve in one of a number of infantry units across the Army.

And while there were 6 women who earned their Expert Infantryman badges at Fort Bragg last year, they are not the first women to have charged into this challenge and passed.

In 2011, Captain Michelle Roberts, a company commander in the 2nd Battalion, 60th Infantry Regiment earned the EIB, but because she did not have an infantry MOS, was not authorized to wear the badge.

Additionally, 2 female soldiers from the South Korean army passed the EIB challenge in 2014. And since the South Korean army has allowed women to serve in infantry positions since the 1990s, their achievement is proudly displayed on their uniforms.

No Fanfare for 6 Female Expert Infantryman Badge Earners

Why do you think there wasn’t any fanfare for these women who earned the Expert Infantryman Badge?

There wasn’t much fanfare in the announcement of these new awardees, which gave me pause to wonder why.

Was it because these 6 women feared the inevitable backlash that always seems to ensue when a woman manages to crash through a glass ceiling or wall that protects the mighty accomplishments previously achieved only by men?

Peruse any article touting female soldier accomplishments and the comments are a mix of cheering and ridicule, celebration and suspicion. Accusations of “lowered standards” permeate the rhetoric of those still convinced there is no room in today’s Army for female infantry soldiers.

A quick review of the latest guidance issued by the Army regarding the required standards for the Expert Infantryman Badge offers only one area in which there could be any perceived difference of standards and that’s the APFT.

Participants are required to pass their APFT with a minimum score of 80 in each of the 3 events – 2-mile run, sit ups, and push-ups. Current Army standards do present a difference in the number of sit ups and push-ups, and the time requirements based on gender. However, there is not one standard for males, either, as the APFT also makes allowances for age.

Perhaps it was the choice of these new female EIB awardees to avoid the PR and countless media interviews.

Maybe they are part of the significant number of female service members who are tired of standing out simply because of their gender.

Maybe they believe we have finally reached a point where female soldiers have done enough that their successes no longer need be celebrated as firsts.

Instead, maybe these 6 women simply want to put on their boots, show up and excel at their jobs. Something female soldiers have been doing every day for years.

Why do you think there wasn’t any fanfare for these women who earned the Expert Infantryman Badge?

Community: A Dying Military Tradition That Needs to Make a Serious Comeback

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One of the things I remember most about growing up a military brat was the overwhelming sense of community that surrounded us, no matter where we lived.

If someone went TDY or was lucky enough to take leave to go home, we always made sure to keep an eye on their house or even mow their lawn if necessary.

If I got home from school and couldn’t find my key, there was always a neighbor willing to let me use their phone or hang out until my parents got home.

When I headed out into the world on my own, it was that very same sense of community I found lacking in the civilian world. It is one of the reasons why I eventually decided to join the military. But I have to say, things have changed a lot since I was a military kid.

With the rare exception, gone are the days of the welcome wagon. You know, that group of people, usually military spouses, who stopped by your house after you had a few days to settle in. They’d bring a plate of cookies or a pie and introduce themselves so you would know at least one person on your street. Then they’d share all the insider info you needed, like the best days to shop at the commissary or which primary care doctor to ask for.

Community is the best part of military life. How can we work together to bring it back?

But nowadays, we’ve given up extending a hand to those who might need a little help because it’s too much of a hassle.

We swear off spouses groups because we swear we just can’t handle all the drama.

It seems like we have given up the idea of actually meeting our neighbors and instead just focusing on how many friends we have on Facebook or how many times we get retweeted. And while I wouldn’t give up my social media accounts for anything, I really wish we could, as a community, remember that face-to-face conversations are as important, maybe more so than a text or instant message.

Community: A Dying Military Tradition That Needs to Make a Serious Comeback

Laughter shared over a cup of coffee will always be better than tweeting.

We need to make developing a sense of community and service to each other a priority.

Military unit success often depends on being tuned in, not only to an assigned task, but to the well-being of those around you. It creates a sense of team and comradely that binds a unit together.

It is an idea that I wish permeated beyond the boundaries of the FOB and into the greater military community.

It is all too easy to stay focused on your own lane, keep blinders on and just trudge forward.

But when one member of our community struggles, it creates ripples that impact us all.

A “hi” on Facebook or a follow on Instagram is a great way to break the ice, but when emergencies arise, we need to know that there is someone we can reach out to and lean on.

Over the course of my husband’s career, I can think of only one deployment where anyone from my military community, other than my husband, ever called or stopped by to check on me. And I know I’m not the only one.

There are no regulations that require this kind of community awareness, but we should take it upon ourselves to make sure that no matter the unit or location, no member of our community ever feels isolated or alone.

I say bring back the welcome wagon and the dinner brigade. Go out and meet your neighbors, organize a neighborhood potluck or cul-de-sac barbecue. Start caring about the well-being of those you pass on the street everyday. Be the kind face they need when the challenges of this life get to be too much. Be the resource they need when they don’t know who else to turn to.

Be as engaged and involved as you can be because a hug can never be replaced by a “like.”

Laughter shared over a cup of coffee will always be better than tweeting.

Make time and be open to cultivating relationships with the flesh and blood people in your community.

You may be just the friend they need to get through a tough time. And they end up doing the same for you.

Is the military community dead? Do people ever come out from behind their screens and talk to each other?

My Life as a Unicorn in the Military Community

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by Eric Gardner, Guest Contributor

My Life as a Male Military Spouse

Are you a male military spouse? Do you feel like a unicorn in your military community?

How do I feel about being a male military spouse (aka a unicorn)? That’s a complex question – being unique isn’t always a good thing.

Yet now in these later years, to put it simply, I love it.

As a military family we are thrilled that my wife is nearing her 20-year mark.  We’ve been all over the world. We’ve had our share of bumps and bruises along the way. And the saying “it’s not just a job, it’s an adventure” has been our philosophy toward the unique situations the Army loves to send our way.

My wife and I never set out to change the social structure of the military.

Our non-traditional family dynamic is what we felt suited our needs best. My transition from active duty officer to stay-at-home parent was one we discussed in depth. This important role of stay-at-home parent and active duty Army spouse was one we thought complemented our strengths and weaknesses as a couple.

While our friends and families accepted our decision, the military has been a little slower to embrace this type of dynamic.  In large part the traditional role of male military spouse was occupied by joint service members.  The dual military couple is a classification, which both service members and spouses of the late 90s and early 2000s could categorically fit into as an already well-established social slot.  I knew that role well.

Serving over 8 years in the Army, my presence at the social functions as a “military spouse” was novel and typically dismissed because of the reality that I would have little time outside of my normal duties as an infantry officer.

Everyone understood and appreciated my desire to get to know my wife’s unit spouses but they never expected me to devote any real energy to their network.

My life as a male military spouse went into uncharted territory when I departed from service to take on the role of stay-at-home parent with our daughters.

Looking back it was a comical transition.  We attended several closed door discussions where both my wife and I were counseled (separately, of course) on the proper path our growing family should take. In the opinion of my leadership at the time I should stay in and my wife should get out.  After the disbelief of having such a discussion we decided to stay true to our course.

Our next assignment was a challenging one.  As new parents we soon began to see the reactions to our decision to take on less traditional roles.  I encountered many inquisitive gazes. I answered tons of questions about “how I enjoyed spending time with my daughter.”  I didn’t try to alter their views, but instead delivered a smile and a well-wish or two.

I was fortunate that the commander’s spouse was new to the Army and didn’t have any of the preconceived notions about the Family Readiness Group (FRG) structure.  To her, I was a welcomed addition to the unit and someone who brought a unique inner dynamics to the group.

It was the first time that my desire to fix a problem paid off.

I was fortunate that while the wives all had differing opinions, mine was also seen as beneficial because of how I interpreted different challenges the FRG was facing.

The initial experience became the norm for my interactions with unit spouse organizations.  As we continued to PCS I was constantly put in the role of sanity checker of the group.  Comically this is not even a title my wife allows me to even remotely occupy in our family however among a collection of like-minded military spouses a uniquely different voice can often shed fresh insight onto routine operations.

I don’t mean to imply that every instance of entering this traditionally female-dominated environment was easy and fulfilling.

I have had my share of exclusions from play dates because of perceptions.  Along with the unsteady looks at the playground when I would be there with my daughter.

My status as a male military spouse has excluded me from several events, but it has also allowed me to speak openly when my fellow spouses feel compelled to describe their problems.

After all you can’t blame a guy if he just comes right out and states the problem; right?

Just kidding guys, they can blame you.

Today’s military has changed since the late 90s and early 2000s. The modern family dynamics are ever evolving and the network of wives, husbands, partners and friends helping their service members succeed are stronger than ever before.

I love my role as a male military spouse and I am thankful for the opportunities and relationships it has afforded me to experience.

Are you a male military spouse? Do you feel like a unicorn? Share  your perspective with us.

Eric Gardner was raised in a military family and lived around the world. Following in his father’s footsteps, he joined the U.S. Army as an Infantry Officer. Since the end of his wartime service he has shifted gears and is now a stay-at-home father. In his role as an active duty Army spouse, he has become an author. As the creator of the XIII Legion Series he has enjoyed great success, and enjoys meeting other entrepreneurial spouses as well as fellow authors . You can see more from Eric Gardner at his Facebook page: www.facebook.com/thirteenthlegion.series, and http://www.facebook.com/XIIILGN or follow him via Twitter @13thLegion.

Respect: A Challenge to My Fellow Military Spouses

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It is a brave and often reckless feat to lay challenge to the military community.

No matter the call or reason, when push comes to shove, we band together and lay waste to anyone who would stand in our way. Be it on the battlefield or in efforts to support a good cause, no one can match our vigor or dedication.

Dare to challenge our way of life or suggest our benefits aren’t rightfully deserved and we circle the wagons into an impenetrable fortress.

It is one that I am thankful for because I know that my community has my back.

Which is why it is so disheartening to see a lack of this unity when it comes time to protect and defend a member of our community from each other.

Respect: A Challenge to My Fellow Military Spouses

I challenge military spouses to rise above and extend an olive branch.

We’ve all seen it. The online interactions that start out as some innocuous discussion about some aspect of our lifestyle that quickly devolves into drama. Accusations of “wearing your spouse’s rank” or the dignity destroying “dependa” comments soon follow. Or maybe you’ve heard the whispered snarky comments and seen the subtle shunning of that one spouse at a unit function.

The military community is an incredible dichotomy of the American public, so conflict of some kind is, perhaps, inevitable.

We come from every state and territory, every faith, every race and creed. But what should set us apart is our ability to appreciate and respect those differences. No matter which uniform your spouse puts on every day, respect is part of the core set of values that govern his or her actions.

Of respect, the Army says:

 “Treat people as they should be treated.”

The Marines include “to respect human dignity; and to have respect and concern for each other” as a defining factor in its core value of honor.

The Navy require sailors to “show respect toward all people, regardless of race, religion, or gender.”

And the Air Force demands that those who serve in its ranks “have respect for the beliefs, authority and worth of others.”

And while as military spouses we don’t take an oath to serve and are not bound by the rules and regulations that govern those who do, we can choose to adopt some of those driving principles.

We can choose to rise above and acknowledge that while we all experience the pains of PCSes and deployments, all must navigate Tricare rules and on-post housing regulations, a great many other aspects of our life are vastly different. And those differences should be celebrated and appreciated instead of singled out or ridiculed.

My challenge to my fellow military spouses is this:

If you find yourself engaged in one of those conversations where you are tempted to draw a line and put someone down, I challenge you to stop and consider that on any given day, you could find yourself on the other side of those comments. That the spouse you are whispering about may end up being the only familiar face at your next duty station. That it is easy to judge another’s actions, but worth the effort to learn what drives actions we cannot understand. That careless words intended to inflict harm to another speaks volumes about your own self worth and will do little to help another military spouse learn and grow.

And if you witness this kind of behavior, I challenge you to take a stand and call it out. Bullying, hazing and disrespect for a person’s self worth and dignity has no place in our community.

That instead of joining in, I challenge you to rise above and extend a hand or an olive branch.

Endeavor to welcome your fellow spouse into your community, be a resource and a friend. Prove by example that we are not a community driven by drama and cattiness.

I challenge you to hold yourself to the same standards of respect that your service member subscribes to and earn respect by giving it.

What challenge would you issue to military spouses?

Why Your Family Should Make Family Goals for 2017

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“Don’t count the time, make the time count.”

As a military spouse, I often feel like I’m constantly counting time. I count down the months until we move to Hawaii. I count down the weeks until my husband comes home from deployment. I count down the minutes until bedtime.

When I’m counting down the time instead of making the time count, I miss the highlights of life. I’m stuck in the day-to-day task list. Did we make any memories as a family in the past year? Or were we so focused on homework, ballet recitals and work deadlines that we didn’t take the time to enjoy life?

Making a family goal for the new year helps me slow down and remember what’s most important in my life.

Here are 12 goals that your family may want to embrace in the new year. These 12 ideas are a starting point for your family’s discussion about choosing a goal for 2017. Don’t try to do all 12 goals. Pick one that you can do together throughout the 12 months.

Note: Whatever goal your family makes, write down your goal in the present tense. This goal isn’t a hope or a wish. With a realistic action plan, your family can achieve your goal.  

In 2017 my family is an active family. Everyone in my house benefits from fresh air, sunshine and physical activity. We know that. Yet we are tempted to stay inside and watch a movie when our bodies really need a bike ride.

In this goal, schedule a weekly family outdoor activity.

In 2017 my family is a curious family. When we moved to Mississippi 2 years ago, I made a bucket list of the local attractions that I wanted to visit.

Can you guess how many we’ve crossed off the list?

Exactly 3.

I tend to return to familiar places instead of exploring new ones. I need to push myself to be curious and go outside my comfort zone.

In this goal, plan a weekly curious day where your family finds a new park, visits a local museum or eats dinner at a new restaurant.

In 2017 my family is a face-to-face family. Limiting screen time is like eating vegetables in my house. We know we should do it, but we don’t do it as much as we probably should.

In this goal, turn school nights into no-screens nights. You will be surprised how easy a blanket policy like this can work for small children.

In 2017 my family is an “outside the box” family. After a long day, making a homemade meal is the last thing I want to do.

I want to order pizza. For the second time this week.

But with proper meal planning, we can eat healthy and balanced meals nightly. And honestly eating healthy doesn’t have to be time consuming. Check out these quick and healthy recipes from DeCA’s dietitian.

In this goal, set aside an afternoon for meal planning. Depending on your child’s age, he or she may be able to help with meal prep.

In 2017 my family is a responsible family. I once had a deployment goal of teaching my kids to be responsible for their own belongings. This meant hanging up their backpacks when they came home from school, putting their shoes by the front door and clearing their dishes when they finished eating breakfast. Rocket science, right? Teaching responsibility for personal items is no easy task. But with constant and consistent reminders, my kids will do it.

In this goal, set a nightly 7-minute timer where every family member picks up and puts away their personal items that may be scattered throughout the house.

In 2017 my family is a green family. Making smart environmental choices isn’t difficult. For my family, it means bringing reusable grocery bags to the commissary, turning off the lights when we leave a room and purchasing food items with less packaging. Many habits that are good for the environment are also good for your bank account.

In this goal, pick one non-negotiable green policy that your family will embrace in 2017.

In 2017 my family is a patriotic family. My children know that their father serves in the military. But do they know that their grandpa and uncle were both in the Army? Probably not. I want my children to value military service and to be grateful to veterans for their service and sacrifice.

In this goal, volunteer with a veterans organization or simply teach your children to tell a veteran “thank you” when they meet one.

In 2017 my family is a less-is-more family. My house is crowded and it’s not with people. It stuffed with stuff.

In this goal, commit to making thoughtful purchases in the new year. For example, stick to your shopping list at the store and wait 24 hours before buying an item online. Those late-night impulsive purchases are the worst.

In 2017 my family is a giving family. We know that it’s better to give than to receive, but how often do we give? Giving is on my radar during the high-demand holiday season but I forget about it during the rest of year.

In this goal, your family volunteers regularly with a nonprofit organization.

Pro-tip: You can make a donation to your favorite charity through the Combined Federal Campaign.

In 2017 my family is a frugal family. Spending less and saving more money is a constant goal of mine. Do you feel the same way? Like all habits, spending less isn’t going to happen naturally. I need to put forth the effort to examine our spending habits and make a spending plan. It isn’t fun but it’s so important.

In this goal, sit down with your spouse to make a spending plan for the next year. Break it down into weekly spending plans to help you achieve your financial goals in the new year.

Pro-tip: Sign up for MilitaryShoppers newsletter to have tips on saving money, military discounts and commissary specials delivered to your inbox.

In 2017 my family is a reading family. It’s only 20 minutes. But sometimes prioritizing those 20 minutes of nightly reading is more like 17 minutes of nagging to read and 3 minutes of actual reading.

In this goal, set a reminder on your phone to “alert” you when it’s time to read together before bed.

In 2017 my family is a “no” family. Does anyone else feel overwhelmed and over-scheduled? Our weekends are filled with birthday parties and military social events. I like the weekends to be a time to recharge our batteries, not drain them completely.

I have the control to do that and the power is found in one small word: no. I plan to practice saying “no thank you” a lot more in 2017.

In this goal, thoughtfully consider one event or activity that you can decline to attend every month.

Does your family make goals for the new year? What is your family goal for 2017?

Why I Need a New Best Friend at Every Duty Station

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“It takes a village to raise a child.”

While I wholeheartedly agree with that statement, I also think that we can just drop the whole “to raise a child” bit. For me, it just takes a village. By village, I mean friends. Especially a best friend.

Why I Need a New Best Friend at Every Duty Station

Finding a new best friend at every duty station is tough, but it’s so worth it!

Yes, we all have that one best best friend. The guy or gal who knows all of your secrets since the beginning of time. Who has been with you through the best and worst of times.

As military spouses, we can also benefit from having a best friend at each duty station.

It’s so comforting to have someone that gets you. When your spouse is gone or working late, it’s nice to have someone to explore your new location with. It’s great for trying out all those cutesy cafes, wandering around historic districts and even watching that rom-com for the millionth time.

Finding that best friend over and over and over again is just plain hard though!

First you have to put yourself out there in a serious way. It means meeting the neighbors, mingling with other military spouses in the new unit and trying out new clubs or groups.

Then you have to follow-up. Send texts, become Facebook friends or send out smoke signals. Sometimes, even that isn’t enough.

After you find a friend, then begins the vetting process to determine best friend potential. You need to dig into shared interests, common agreements about life and a joint love of wacky jokes (or whatever your thing might be).

If it’s not a good match, you’re stuck starting over again!

Sometimes, finding a new best friend can seem like climbing Everest: worthwhile, but a battle to accomplish. Just doing this a few times in a lifetime is unbelievably hard. Finding a new best friend every 3 years, or less, can seem nearly insurmountable! It’s almost enough to want to give up on the whole idea of a bestie and just stick to casual acquaintances.

You still have people to hang with, but without all the stress of being joined at the hip. Or having to “replace” your friend when one of you moves.

It’s tough finding a new best friend, yes, but it is so worth it!

Your new best friend could be where you least expect. I’ve found best friends while running, in my spouse’s office and through friends. She or he could be the person right across the street!

Part of finding a new best friend is going to involve putting yourself out there, yes. So many friend-finding opportunities are just part of the military life!

Mandatory fun days, pre-deployment briefs and living on-base are all chances to bump into someone who could be your PERSON.

Before you know it, you are swapping salty military spouse stories, sharing recipes and are inseparable.

There are also other great ways to find your next best friend. Check out a local fitness meet-up, like Stroller Warriors or a cross-fit box.

If you are religious, seek out a church, temple or Bible study in your neck of the woods.

When you come with youngsters, find a preschool support group like MOPS or a gym with a child care co-op program.

For those heading to work, your new pal could be your desk mate or office neighbor.

No matter how you found your new best friend, having one is important.

When the going gets tough, military spouses need someone to rely on. With our spouses gone often, or mostly in-and-out, a best friend becomes the person I rely on.

When I’m sick, she brings me medicine or chicken soup or takes the kids for the afternoon. We swap date night child care duties or have weekly dinner/play dates when the guys are gone. If the car breaks down, I know I have someone to call from the mechanic. I always have a dinner partner when cookie dough a la tube is on the menu too.

It’s why I need to have a best friend at every duty station.

I need a village to help get me through the tough times and to celebrate the best times. My best friends, no matter where I am or where they are, have helped me to survive and thrive in this military life.

How did you find your best friend at your current duty station?

How Can Our Military Community Help When Pregnant Spouses Are Feeling Desperate?

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No one will ever tell you that military life is easy and carefree. It’s a life that doesn’t go as planned. And even when you scrap Plan A in favor of Plan B, you may find yourself struggling for a solution when Plan B, C and D doesn’t work either.

Those feelings of desperation and the urge to have control over your situation sometimes causes many in our military community to make foolish decisions – decisions that under normal circumstances you wouldn’t even consider.

That’s what I believe happened in this case of a pregnant military spouse who was due to deliver alone for the second time while living overseas. In this post, “I can’t believe what I let my husband do to induce my labor,” the author writes about her thoughts leading up to her due date that collided with her husband’s upcoming deployment.

“The news that my husband would be deploying on the due date of our second child was both familiar and heartbreaking. He had deployed on the due date of our firstborn and was thousands of miles away by the time I finally went into labor and delivered our son. We thought we’d planned better with our second and final child, but being in the military means always expecting the unexpected.”

The command did permit the service member to remain with his wife for 2 weeks after the rest of the battalion deployed, but that waiver didn’t reduce her stress.

“Days passed and nothing changed. As we approached the fourth day, I panicked….We tried all the home remedies that were supposed to start labor: raspberry leaf tea, sex, walking, spicy food; you name it, we did it. Still nothing. On the seventh day, desperation became fear.”

In the end, she begged her husband to try to break her water using a hook they made out of a wire coat hanger. But in the end, thankfully, she went into labor without using the hook to break her water. She delivered her healthy baby boy at the military hospital.

But this story illustrates the desperate measures that some military spouses might try to induce labor before their service member’s departure. Her story isn’t unfamiliar to many of us who have been a member of the military spouse community for years. Maybe you have a similar story yourself.

Being stationed overseas is daunting.

Having a baby is stressful.

Knowing that your husband will not be there for the birth of your child is a tough pill to swallow.

Combine those 3 circumstances with the feelings of being alone and afraid because you don’t have your support system to turn to for help and her decision to ask her husband to break her water doesn’t seem illogical anymore.

How Can Our Military Community Help When Pregnant Spouses Are Feeling Desperate?

What do you think the military community could do to help spouses in these types of desperate situations?

Here are the lessons learned from this woman’s cautionary tale.

First, we need to recognize our feelings of isolation and desperation. In the days leading up to a deployment, pregnant or not, a military spouse feels emotional. Pregnant or not, she may feel like no one can help her and that no one can relate to her feelings.

I guarantee that there are military spouses on her base who have had the same thoughts, same feelings and faced similar circumstances as her. This is her military spouse community who should have supported her.

But the military community can’t help us if we don’t ask for help.

It’s scary to admit that we need help. But no one is going to fault a pregnant military spouse with a toddler, who is living overseas and facing the reality of giving birth alone for asking for assistance. Instead the military spouse community is going to help.

Secondly, we as members of the military community need to step up and provide the support that this desperate military spouse needed. She needed to know that she had someone to be with so she wouldn’t have to worry about giving birth alone. She needed to know that she would have reliable child care for her toddler when she went to the hospital. Heck, she even needed transportation to get her to the hospital.

Her challenges weren’t impossible if she had a military spouse community that enveloped her with support. A community that didn’t casually ask “how can I help?” but instead said “here’s how I will help.”

As uncomfortable as it is to be the pregnant military spouse seeking help, it is equally uncomfortable to reach out to that pregnant spouse who is your on-base neighbor.

You know that her husband is deploying soon, even if you don’t know exactly when.

You know that she has a toddler, even if you don’t know if she has child care for him.

You know her due date, even if you don’t know if her mother-in-law is able to come and stay with her when her spouse deploys.

And you will never know the answers to these personal questions if you don’t ask. If you ask, then you can help. But if you avoid asking these questions, because you don’t want to seem like a pest or nosy, you miss out on an opportunity to extend the helping hand of the military spouse community.

Finally, there needs to be more resources within the military community to help these kinds of situations. Giving birth without your parenting partner isn’t unusual in military life. There are fantastic nonprofits that throw baby showers for expecting military spouses but as we see from this story, military spouses need more than diapers and swaddling blankets.

And if there are resources to help mothers who are delivering during deployment, this woman’s doctor and her service member’s chaplain should have brought those resources to their attention.

Let’s use these lessons learned to help our pregnant military spouses feel a little less desperate during their challenging situations.

Now it’s your turn: What do you think the military community could do to help spouses in these types of desperate situations?

Military Spouses Don’t Wear Rank…Or Do They?

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Military spouses don’t wear rank…or do they? Technically they don’t. Military spouses know this, but mixed signals are given on the subject of military hierarchy. My husband became a chief in August 2013 and I attended the spouse welcome and education night. They gave us 2 books: Guidelines for the Spouses of Chief Petty Officers and Social Customs and Traditions of the Sea Services. I quite possibly could have been the only person that read both of those books that night. Some things were very helpful and others were very outdated. The subject of spousal rank structure came up once.

Additionally, even though there is no rank among spouses, your presence as “the Chief’s spouse” is significant. You are a natural role model for others coping with the challenges of military life.

Regardless of your intent, you will be a role model to junior sailors’ spouses and the example you set will have an impact on the other spouses at the command.

I agree with those statements. I don’t wear my husband’s rank, nor do I want to. Being myself and a positive role model for other husbands and wives is more important to me. I have a good friend that is an officer’s wife and one that is the spouse of a sailor still going through EOD school.

Some of my friends’ husbands are higher rank than my husband but we’re all friends. Why should rank matter?

Some spouses take the military hierarchy very seriously. They feel a sense of entitlement, that they have worked hard over the years and deserve their due. Really? After years of being part of the military community and watching your spouse rise in rank, you’ve experienced a lot. I understand that. Why do you assume an air of superiority?

Do Military Spouses Wear Rank?

A friendly smile and a helping hand can go a long way for all military spouses, whatever their service member’s rank.

The first thought that comes to mind when thinking of my family is pride. My father retired as command sergeant major. I am proud of his accomplishments. I continue to have the same sense of pride for my husband and his advancement. I don’t feel entitled to anything. I do feel special, I will admit. I’ve always thought I was part of something special by being a member of the military community.

When I attended the new chief spouse education night I thought it was quite interesting and somewhat surprising, that the master chief leading the night said not only were we special but that we deserved our due. He specifically said that we do not wear our spouses’ rank, but that we were not to fraternize with lower ranked spouses just as the new chiefs were not to fraternize with lower enlisted. I spoke up. There was no way I was going to let that comment pass. When I said I had friends with spouses of all ranks he said I needed to reevaluate my relationships. Seriously. “Though you do not wear your husband’s rank,” he reiterated, “it is up to you to decide if having those friendships puts your husband at risk of fraternization.” It is recommended that you do not maintain relationships with spouses of lower enlisted. I went home and told my friend we couldn’t be friends anymore. We both laughed.

While rules of etiquette are important to follow, always keep in mind that no rules will replace a warm heart, a friendly smile, and the sincere desire to share in the fellowship and camaraderie of the sea services.

This quote from Guidelines for the Spouses of Chief Petty Officers makes me smile. While what the master chief said was contradictory, this statement should bring it all back in focus. Sure some military spouses have more “mileage” than others. You’ve struggled with multiple moves, repeated deployments and last-minute changes. You’ve experienced a lot and learned a great deal. Why not share that knowledge with the younger generation and help them in their journey rather than put them down? A friendly smile and a helping hand can go a long way.

Military Spouses Don't Wear Rank

Offer a smile instead of asking “don’t you know who I’m married to?”

Have you met a spouse that wears rank? How do you handle military spouse hierarchy?