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5 Important Things You Can Do to Save Your Military Marriage

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Military spouses, almost immediately after saying “I do,” realize that being married to a service member brings its own unique challenges. Aside from unexpected moves, forced separation and countless other military-related things, we also know a marriage in itself can create difficult challenges.

Last month, I shared with you 5 Things That Can Destroy a Military Marriage. It was a list identifying specific actions that cause problems in our relationships, particularly those married to service members.

Again, I turned to my parents for inspiration on the things we can do to help us nurture and ultimately save a military marriage. Here’s what I learned.

5 Important Things You Can Do to Save Your Military Marriage

Don’t take your cohabiting time for granted! Dedicate quality time for the two of you.

In a military marriage, it’s important to:

1. Communicate with each other. I think it’s one of the biggest things you should do. How many of us like to complain? I’m totally guilty of it and it’s totally natural to get annoyed and shut down. But when we shut down and stay silent, we stop communicating with our service member. That’s not good in a military marriage.

Most of the things that can destroy your marriage can be resolved by communicating and listening.

If you approach every conversation with an open heart and mind, communicating with your spouse can help clear a lot of conflict. Remember to be understanding and use this dialogue between to find a compromise. Because of how important it is to listen to each other, speak taking turns, so you don’t overpower each other.

Also, don’t let distance stop you. Even if your spouse is away, use the form of communication that is available. The Internet was how my husband and I spoke to each other while he was overseas and it helped us work through our issues.

2. Compliment your partner. In addition to openly communicating, it’s just as important to compliment each other in the things that we do love about each other. Compliment on things that are done for you and also on “just because” things.

I’m a sucker for my husband’s smile and if you know him, you know that his smile doesn’t appear that often (he’s quite a serious dude). So, at the moments I see that smile from ear to ear, I tell him how much I love seeing it. As a result, I actually see that smile a lot more– must be a subliminal thing!

Don’t let it stop at physical compliments. Take it to an emotional level too. It’s said that complimenting increases self-confidence and self-worth, so it’s a great way to strengthen your bond.

3. Date each other. We all know that separation is difficult. It can even create distance when you and your spouse are back together because we get used to our solo routine. Don’t take your cohabiting time for granted! Dedicate quality time for the two of you. Whether you and your spouse agree to try a brand-new activity or do something that is near and dear to both of you, it’s really important to keep the romance alive.

4. Allow for space. It is a little weird to say that being alone is important after encouraging you to communicate and date, but maintaining your own personal space gives you and your partner the necessary downtime needed to recharge and get your mind back on track. Alone time allows me to reflect on my relationships. As a result, my marriage is stronger because of the balance I have with myself and my husband.

5. Embrace each other and military life. First, physical contact can remind us of the love we have for our spouse. There is something special about the warmth of a hug or the touch of a hand. For me, it’s soothing. The mere thought of hugging my husband makes me feel happy.

Second, you must choose to embrace your marriage and the military. Let’s be honest, some disputes might actually stem from an extenuating military circumstance. I can’t tell you how many times that I’ve been downright upset or confused (sometimes I mix the two) because of a military-related decision. You both can blame each other for what the military throws your way. Instead, embrace the lifestyle together.

What’s the best piece of marriage advice you’ve ever received?

My Husband, My Soldier, My Hero

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Before my husband, I already had a huge appreciation for our men and women in uniform because of my dad, a retired Air Force Master Sergeant. He was the first important man in my life and is undeniably my first hero. After growing up with an Air Force presence, I was honestly nervous to start a relationship with a military man. I had an idea of what would lie ahead and I was scared.

Our service members are amazing and I have the utmost respect in everything that they do. I didn’t know if I, myself, could handle the lifestyle as a military spouse.

Then, I was sent a direct online message.

My husband messaged me on an online dating site and that how our relationship started. We may have not met in a glamorous or unique circumstance, but it’s our story and I’m proud of everything that our relationship has endured from that point on. Thank you, Internet for bringing my husband to my life.

He signed on to the dating website while he was deployed and I was looking to experience a new way to meet men. We talked about anything and everything for months before we were able to meet in person and the rest is history.

Despite being in high-stress environments and situations that I’m not going to even try to comprehend, he was wonderful to me and made the distance work. The military did have a big influence with how we maintained our relationship, but he turned me around on my thoughts about a long-term future with a service member.

He made it easy for me to seal the deal and say yes to a lifelong adventure with him.

My Husband, My Soldier, My Hero

Before orders took him overseas, we put together a quick courthouse ceremony in my hometown. I had a childhood friend of mine follow us around the state capital area to take pictures of us. My then-fiance was wearing his ACUs and it was honestly one of the first times I have ever seen him in his uniform in person. When we were dating, it would always be during the off-duty hours, so he would be in his civies.

As we were walking around town, complete strangers were walking up to us and thanking my husband for his service. They recognized him in his uniform and went out of their way to make sure he knew that there were people either thinking of him or supporting him. It made me appreciate the little things that weren’t so upfront before because I never saw him in his uniform. That piece of clothing symbolizes so much more than just my husband, but everyone else that wears it.

When we were walking around town that special day, it made me realize the choice my husband made to serve our country as one that not only myself admired, but people that never even met him. It was a humbling experience and ultimately became the first moment I truly felt like an Army spouse.

We all have different experiences that contribute to the greatness of our military community.

Is your military member your hero? Add your stories of inspiration with MilitaryShoppers.

5 Things That Can Destroy a Military Marriage

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Marriage is work and done with the right attitude it’s fulfilling work.

5 Things That Can Destroy a Military Marriage

How does military life put a strain on your marriage?

Despite all the love you and your spouse have for each other, a marriage still challenges the dynamic between the two of you. It’s only natural to experience conflict, particularly with the one person that you are closest to in your life.

I’ve been taking notes from my parents’ marriage for the longest time– witnessing their good and bad times–and seeing that at the end of every struggle, they find resolution and remember the love they have for each other.

I’ve also witnessed and have firsthand experience with the particular obstacles military marriages encounter.

Sometimes I feel like the military is an unofficial third wheel in my relationship.

Based on what I’ve learned so far, there are certain instances that can strain your relationship, especially with your spouse in the military like:

  1. Never comprising. The military forces us to comprise at times (or another phrase I use is “adjust fire”). We have to adjust fire when we get thrown surprise orders or an unexpected duty. Military spouses need to have a flexible mindset or else, it will be a difficult life. Compromise allows you to find a common ground and can offer a sense of comfort. Make it something you both can stand behind.
  2. Lacking understanding. Understanding is another big factor that should take precedent in a military relationship because the type of compromise you want may be difficult to find. For example, my husband goes out of town for professional development a lot of times and asks that I give him space to study. It’s hard for me to leave him alone because I miss him, but instead of getting upset, I use that opportunity to work on my own personal goals.
  3. Thinking only about yourself. I’ve always been taught that a relationship is a two-way street and to expect as much back as you put forward. If it’s constantly about yourself or even your husband, it doesn’t make it fair to each other. As military spouses, we may have to actually consider our spouses’ career on a high level, but I’ve experienced that even your career can be a two-way street with adding a dash of compromise into the equation. Focusing strictly on one person doesn’t help the relationship as a whole because it could feel belittling to the other party.
  4. Forgetting why you fell in love. Deployments. TDYs. Field exercises. There are several factors that separate us from our loved one. During those times, we go on. We learn to live life in a way that keeps us fulfilled. Don’t get me wrong, my husband’s absence does make me feel crazy. When our spouses’ come back, it’s a whole reintegration period that each person experiences, so be patient and remember why you fell in love!
  5. Resenting the military. I admit that I have moments where I raise my fists in the air and ask “why?!” But, what good does that really do? Nothing. It’s just temporary relief. I can’t constantly harp on the military for everything bad. That isn’t resolving the situation. It’s adding stress and unnecessary tension on your spouses’ choice to join the military.

What obstacles do you think military couples face?

Stay tuned for our follow-up article in April, “5 Things You Can Do to Save Your Military Marriage.”

Frozen Heart? Photos and Quotes to Melt Away Frosty Feelings About Military Life

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Do you ever need a little military life pick-me-up?

Maybe you’re glued to the news about the Homeland Security budget negotiations or you’re frustrated with the proposals to cut military benefits. Your husband’s homecoming is delayed. Again. Your hairdresser is PCSing across country. Your friend asks how your children are  handling the deployment. When you tell her it’s a struggle, she suggests your husband “leave the service so you don’t have to deal with that anymore.”

Sigh.

Despite these real-life struggles, there are many moments to cherish being married to the military. Despite what you see on the national news, there are many happy military couples. Think of that retired service member and his wife who celebrated 40 years and 25 moves. They know their love is rock solid. Think of those newbie spouses who promise to love, honor and cherish and then say goodbye as their husband goes to Korea for a year unaccompanied. Every day apart is building that rock solid marriage. And for everyone in-between, they are using the tools of date nights and frequent communication to keep their spark alive.

Here are some of my favorite images and quotes that illustrate the love between a service member and their supportive spouse. Let it be your military life pick-me-up today, tomorrow or any day that you need it.

Photos and Quotes to Melt Away Frosty Feelings About Military Life

Photo Credit: Kelly Schwark

 Photos and Quotes to Melt Away Frosty Feelings About Military Life

“Why do I do it? Because nights alone aren’t permanent. Because missing him reminds me that I’m lucky to have someone to miss. Because I am not afraid to make sacrifices for true love.”

“It doesn’t get any easier…You just get stronger.”

“I started missing you the moment you said goodbye.”

“The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.”

“Love isn’t something you find. Love is something that finds you.”

“I didn’t choose to fall in love with someone in the military. But I choose to love him daily.”

Photos and Quotes to Melt Away Frosty Feelings About Military Life

Photo Credit: Photo Art by Lu

“Love is when he gives you a piece of your soul, that you never knew was missing.”

“Tears last for a moment, but memories are forever.”

“You want to know the best thing about a long-distance relationship? Every kiss is like the first.”

You can’t have homecoming photos without those military brats. Little ones screaming, running and hugging their deployed parent always brings a tear to my eye and a smile to my face.

Photos and Quotes to Melt Away Frosty Feelings About Military Life

Does your military family have a favorite photo showing your love and sacrifice? Submit your photo to MilitaryShoppers’ monthly photo contest for a chance to win a $50 shopping spree.

10 Employment Programs to Help Military Spouses Find Jobs

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There is a constant struggle with finding employment for military spouses. Honestly, that struggle was my biggest fear as I entered the lifestyle. I had a secure job that I absolutely loved, but when my husband received orders to move to another location, I was practically forced out of it because my employer wanted to keep someone in-house. Sounds familiar, right?

At the same time as planning a PCS, I was job hunting and re-evaluating my career path altogether.

I found that lack of consistency seemed to be the classic issue for military spouses. Jobs are difficult to maintain because of the transient lifestyle. National Military Family Association reports that 85% of military spouses either want or need work. To me, that’s a pretty high percentage.

Lucky for us, there is an arsenal full of programs to help ease the job hunt. Researching and utilizing the different programs have helped me understand the job marketplace that’s available to us. So, why not give them a try for your next job hunt?

10 Employment Programs to Help Military Spouses Find a Job

Which military spouse employment programs have you used?

Here are 10 different programs aimed to help military spouses find the perfect job:

  1. Military Spouse Employment Partnership (MSEP): This career portal matches military spouses to appropriate jobs for them. Employers partner with this program, so they already know that you’re a military spouse. Therefore, the job will most likely be one that you can take with you or is friendly to moving with more than one job site. The partnership also provides career advice and education for those that seek it.
  2. Spouse Education & Career Opportunities (SECO): SECO helps military spouses set the career stage meaning it provides guidance and resources to help with mapping out the right career plan for us. If you feel like you need a change of pace or are in a job rut, this program might be something to consider. A counselor can give you the right tools needed to evaluate a career transition.
  3. Veterans Career Transition Program (VCTP): Don’t let the name fool you. VCTP also serves military spouses. The program, run by the Institute for Veterans and Military Families at Syracuse University, offers free online courses educating and training students by giving them what they need once they enter the workforce.
  4. Military Spouse eMentor Program: I’ve found that networking is a particularly powerful practice for military spouses because it gives us the opportunity to express our passion directly to potential employers. The Military Spouse eMentor Program is apart of the Hiring Our Heroes, a nationwide incentive to help veterans and military spouses find fulfilling employment. It allows us to connect with a registered mentor that’s eager to assist with anything and everything career-related. As you continue your search, your mentor could point you in the right direction to a serious job opportunity.
  5. Career Spark: Also apart of the Hiring Our Heroes incentive, Career Spark is an organization created by military spouses for military spouses. The program helps build and tailor the ideal resume for you and gets you ready for the workforce by offering tips and advice.
  6. Military Spouse Corporate Career Network (MSCCN): This nonprofit organization offers employment readiness programs and job placement solutions for military spouses. They also provide great live training sessions online that are all designed to make you competitive in the workplace.
  7. National Military Spouse Network (NMSN): This organization was my gateway to networking with other military spouses. I attended their career summit a couple years ago and I was immediately hooked with the idea of military spouses helping each other with career advice, professional aspirations and mentorship. They also have lots of resources and content available online.
  8. The Milspo Project: The Milspo Project launched their Embark career conference last year and will be doing the same this year in Fayetteville, North Carolina. Their goal is to raise awareness about the obstacles military spouses face and providing an event environment to empower. Are you near Fayetteville? It’s worth giving their career conference a shot.
  9. In Gear Career: If it’s not obvious, I’m a huge advocate of military spouse networking. Networking is actually how I landed my job(s). In Gear Career takes networking to the local level by connecting career-minded military spouses together to create meaningful relationships. Don’t see a chapter in your area? They also have a virtual chapter.
  10. Local Installation Employment Readiness Programs: When I first moved to the Fort Belvoir area, I was excited that they hosted local job fairs via the Employment Readiness Program (ERP) for both recently separated military members and military spouses. It’s a great resource that’s local to your installation that can assist with locating a job in your area. Keep a very close eye on base or post for events and/or opportunities.

Which military spouse employment programs have you used? Share your experiences.

9 Low-Cost Date Night Activities to Ignite Your Love

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One of the best pieces of advice my parents gave me when I started my marriage is to not sacrifice date night. They’ve been going out at least once a week for as long as I could remember! Now after 30+ years of marriage and a 20+ year military career, they still enjoy the time spent out exploring something new or visiting a familiar place.

Especially with unexpected separations that military couples endure, it’s important to set aside time dedicated to strengthening your relationship. Date night is a great way to rekindle your love and to continue learning from each other. So, taking my parent’s advice to heart, my husband and I are constantly looking for ways to keep the flame alive.

Another important piece of advice, date night doesn’t have to break the bank. My parents love to utilize dining deals from local restaurants (i.e., 2 for 1 pasta dishes or 2 taco dinners for $20). Check out your local eateries to see if anything like that is possible.

Aside from going out to dinner, I wanted to share with you 9 fun and (possibly) romantic date night activities that are easy on your wallet that my husband and I regularly practice.

  1. Cook dinner together: We’ve found this to be our go-to activity because we love the end result! It’s fun to pick a recipe and work together to create a delicious meal. Yum!9 Low-Cost Date Night Activities to Ignite Your Love
  2. Go to the movies: Check out your installation’s MWR for ticket vouchers and/or movie theaters to see if a movie that you’re interested in watching is playing. My husband and I have seen several movies on-post already and utilize the vouchers given out by our MWR. Also, big theater companies like AMC and Cinemark offer discounted rates for military. Call your nearby movie theater to see if they offer a military discount.
  3. Walk in a park: Early in our relationship, my husband and I took a lot of walks on the trails on and around Fort Drum. It was an opportunity for us to talk and soak in the beautiful sights– for free!
  4. Play a game: One evening my husband and I were completely stumped on what to do. Then, he suggested playing cards. We spent the evening teaching each other the card games we knew. That motivated us to purchase other board games like Scrabble and Monopoly to play on other evenings (they are under $20 on Amazon.com). A little competition doesn’t hurt in a marriage.
  5. Shop at a flea market or thrift store: To be honest, I might enjoy this activity more than my husband, but we both like the idea of finding unique items together. Since we’re still on the lookout for items to fill our home, this is a great way to find a bargain too.
  6. Visit the library: Sharing quiet moments together can also be powerful. Swing by your local library to pick out your next read and if it happens to be close to closing time, head to a coffee shop to continue your reading with a coffee or tea.9 Low-Cost Date Night Activities to Ignite Your Love
  7. Start an ongoing project: It’s going to sound silly when I say this out loud, but my husband and I build with Legos. We strategize and come up with ways to put together different structures. There are so many other things that you and your loved one can do. It can be an art project or maybe a home improvement venture. Whatever it is, it’s a great way for you and your spouse to work as a team.
  8. Learn something new together: This should be anything like going to a museum (which many have discounted military rates) or attend an evening class at a community center. My husband and I enjoy learning from our experiences together.
  9. Buy tickets on special military discount sites: For the nights that you want to splurge a little bit, check out GovX, Veteran Tickets or your local USO for discounted tickets to performances in your area.

What’s your go-to activity for a romantic and easy date night? Share your ideas in the comments section.

20 Moments to Cherish Being Married to the Military

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Despite the roller coaster of emotion that comes with being a military spouse, I believe there are many moments that are wonderful and touching. What better time than now to reflect and cherish all those moments that make us proud to be married to the military.

20 Moments to Cherish Being Married to the Military

Photo Credit: Lauren Nygard Photography

Here are 20 military moments that take our breath away.

  1. Courthouse Weddings20 Moments to Cherish Being Married to the Military
  2. Waiting for their Plane to Land

    20 Moments to Cherish Being Married to the Military

    Photo Credit: Michaela Stuart Photography

  3. Homecoming Kisses

    20 Moments to Cherish Being Married to the Military

    Photo Credit: Michaela Stuart Photography

  4. Homecoming Hugs

    20 Moments to Cherish Being Married to the Military

    Photo Credit: Michaela Stuart Photography

  5. Slow Dancing at Birthday Balls
  6. Tears in Your Eyes During the National Anthem
  7. Watching Your Kids Put their Hands on their Hearts during the National Anthem
  8. Family Group Hugs
  9. Celebrating Promotion Ceremonies
  10. Growing Families

    20 Moments to Cherish Being Married to the Military

    Photo Credit: Lauren Nygard Photography

  11. Our Babies in Military Gear

    20 Moments to Cherish Being Married to the Military

    Photo Credit: Lauren Nygard Photography

  12. Exploring the World
  13. Dress Blues

    20 Moments to Cherish Being Married to the Military

    Photo Credit: Lauren Nygard Photography

  14. Proud Communities

    20 Moments to Cherish Being Married to the Military

    Photo Credit: Michaela Stuart Photography

  15. When Strangers Thank Service Members in Uniform
  16. Conversations between WWII Veterans and Today’s Active Duty Service Members
  17. Crafting the Perfect Care Package for the Right Occasion
  18. Knowing that They Will Receive that Care Package 
  19. Receiving a Special Unexpected Letter
  20. Lastly, that Moment Following the Homecoming Kiss. Keeping them close till the next time duty calls.

    20 Moments to Cherish Being Married to the Military

    Photo Credit: Lauren Nygard Photography

Now it’s your turn: What do you love about military life? Tell us in the comments section.

Expect the Unexpected and More Valuable Advice for Soon-to-Be Military Spouses

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The holidays bring a lot of joy and excitement, including engagements and marriages. My husband and I got married in a courtroom 3 days before Christmas and a week before overseas orders in 2012.

Months before our wedding, my husband PCSed from Fort Drum and I tagged along for the almost cross-country move from New York to Arizona. I had a feeling that he would propose sometime during our trip (spoiler alert, he did propose at the end of the trip and I said “yes”).

Now, 3 years after saying “I do,” I’ve learned a whole lot, and I admit, I still have a whole lot to learn. In my father’s 20+ year career, I’ve witnessed the challenges of my rock star mother and she would always tell me to live day by day. I take that advice to heart and look to her for guidance and strength. The most important lesson I’ve learned so far is that despite all the trials and/or difficulties military life could bring, its community is the most loving, understanding and powerful asset for military spouses. We’re all in this crazy life together!

Expect the Unexpected and More Valuable Advice for Soon-to-Be Military Spouses

 

Here is a sampling of important advice I’ve learned as a military spouse:

  1. Question Everything. Don’t be afraid to ask questions and really, you should be asking a lot of questions. There are a lot of moving parts with the military (ie., PCS, Tricare, retirement), so asking a lot of questions will ensure you understand this lifestyle better.
  2. Open Your Mind. There will be days when you scratch your head at the military, but don’t lose sight of the bigger picture. For example, things can change at a moment’s notice or there might be some rules that don’t make any sense to you. Be sure you keep an open mind.
  3. Expect the Unexpected. Nothing is set in stone. Orders can change and TDYs pop-up whenever.
  4. Expect Stereotypes. People may judge you inside and outside the military community. When I started dating my husband, people wondered why. There is a stigma with people that decide to join the military. There is also a stigma with newbie spouses. Don’t let anything or anyone get you down as you continue to grow within the military community because that isn’t a reflection of everyone. There are so many people out there that are kind and helpful. I’ve never experienced any negativity, but it’s out there.
  5. Find the Compromise. When the military threw the curveball of an overseas assignment at my husband before our nuptials, I really wanted the “dream” wedding– nothing big, just something with my dad walking me down the aisle and my family and friends there. So, we arranged for a courthouse ceremony first and the traditional church wedding at my childhood church when his assignment was over. It ended up being perfect for us. Compromise is your mantra.
  6. Keep Your Sense of Self Worth. No matter what, don’t lose sight of yourself! Take the time to do things that make you special and happy.

Are you engaged to a service member? What questions do you have about military life?

Delicious Last-Minute Celebratory Dinners

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How many of us have received an exciting phone call from our spouse with great news? A passed test. Or imminent promotion. Even better, do you have amazing news to share with your partner? A new family addition! Or pay raise at work.

Either way, you don’t have much time to plan an elaborate meal or maybe you don’t have the nerves to put together a 5-course spread. You JUST found out the news yourself. Tempted to make reservations at a fancy restaurant? Or order take-out?

Save money with MilitaryShoppers’ 10 great ideas for a delicious last-minute celebratory dinner at home.

10 Ideas for a Last-Minute Celebratory Dinner

Looking for an affordable way to celebrate a promotion at work? Spaghetti and meatballs is always an easy Italian treat.

  1. Homemade Pizza. Making your own pizza at home offers a special touch. It’s simple to bake a pizza at home with pre-made dough purchased at your military commissary. While you are at the commissary, don’t forget to pick-up sauce, cheese and your favorite toppings to create a scrumptious pie.
  2. Gourmet Burgers. Everybody loves a good burger! Grab some beef, turkey or veggie patties to grill and include your cheese of choice and burger toppings like bacon, mushroom, onions or anything else that comes to mind.
  3. Ice Cream Sundae. Times like this don’t happen often! If you can’t have the fancy dinner, celebrate with an elaborate dessert. It’s easy to put together a tasty and huge ice cream sundae on a budget. You can splurge and eat it first, especially if you are eating for two.
  4. Macaroni and Cheese. Add bacon, spinach or anything else that you love to this traditional American dish.
  5. Chicken and Rice. A can of cream of chicken soup adds flavor to the rice. Use it to cook the rice and grill chicken breasts seasoned with salt and pepper.
  6. Savory Beef Stew. Despite what you might know about making beef stew, you can quickly assemble a fast and affordable recipe. Check out the spice section for packets of beef stew mix, grab some meat and frozen veggies. There you go! Let it simmer and enjoy.
  7. Spaghetti and Meatballs. The pasta aisle gives you plenty of noodle choices, in case you aren’t a spaghetti fan. Your meat section will most likely have pre-rolled meatballs available for use or you can also try out the frozen food aisle. Drop those suckers in your tomato sauce to cook through (if you go the raw meat route, make sure they are well done before serving) and boil your pasta. Presto, a tasty Italian treat!
  8. Breakfast for Dinner. My husband LOVES his western omelet, no matter the time of day. Why not have a celebratory dinner that reflects his favorite breakfast meal? My man is also a fan of French toast, so I’d put together a nice egg and French toast dinner.
  9. Chicken Noodle Soup and Grilled Cheese Sandwiches. Chicken noodle soup would be a perfect dish especially for the cool evenings. All you really need is chicken broth, celery, onions, carrots and chicken.
  10. Tacos. The spice section can help you with seasoning protein for a delicious South-of-the-Border meal. Pick up your favorite toppings like cheese, salsa or whatever else your taste buds desire.

What’s your go-to recipe for a last-minute celebratory dinner? Share it with the MilitaryShoppers monthly recipe contest for a chance to win. Winners are selected each month.

Hey Uncle Sam, Stay Out of Service Members’ Bedrooms

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cheatingservicemembers

Rumors are not evidence.

The Department of Defense is full of adulterers. From privates to generals, you can find service members, both enlisted and officers, who have committed adultery by cheating on their spouses. While it is commonly believed that if a service member is unfaithful to his/her wife, the Armed Forces will discharge him/her, military spouses can rattle off countless examples (many based on rumors) where the service member isn’t punished for cheating. A few of these examples reach national news headlines, as in the case of Gen. David Petraeus and Army Col. James H. Johnson III. But the majority of military adulterers never face repercussions from their chain of command and never face the public scrutiny.

If service members cheat on their spouses, but never get kicked out of the military isn’t this no-adultery rule pointless?

The Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ) is a federal law, enacted by Congress, to govern legal discipline and court martials for the Armed Forces. The UCMJ is the guiding legal document for all service members. Articles 77 through 134 of the UCMJ outline the “punitive offenses” or crimes that service members can be prosecuted.

Here is a list of offenses that are listed in the UCMJ:

  • Captured or Abandoned Property (Article 103)
  • Absence Without Leave (Article 86)
  • Drunken or Reckless Driving (Article 111)
  • Dueling (Article 114)

Adultery is NOT listed as a punitive offense in the UCMJ.

That said let’s look at Article 134, the General Article within the UCMJ.

Though not specifically mentioned in this chapter, all disorders and neglects to the prejudice of good order and discipline in the Armed Forces, all conduct of a nature to bring discredit upon the Armed Forces, and crimes and offenses not capital, of which persons subject to this chapter may be guilty, shall be taken cognizance of by a general, special or summary court-martial, according to the nature and degree of the offense, and shall be punished at the discretion of that court.

–Article 134 of the UCMJ

It’s the typical catch-all paragraph that the government loves to have in any legal document.

Technically adultery is punishable by reprimand, dismissal and prison. But service members are rarely charged with adultery as a stand-alone offense. If they are charged with adultery, it’s usually tied to a list of offenses. That was the case for Air Force Lt. Kelly Flinn, the first female pilot of a B-52 bomber. She faced a court martial for adultery for an affair with a married civilian, lying about the affair by denying it to an investigator, fraternizing with an enlisted man in another brief affair and disobeying a direct order. In the end, Flinn was allowed to be discharged from the military instead of facing a court martial.

marriedcouple

If service members cheat on their spouses, but never get kicked out of the military isn’t this no-adultery rule pointless?

Adultery, as a military offense, is rarely prosecuted because of the necessity of 3 Elements of Proof, as outlined in the Manual for Courts-Martial. Here are those elements:

  1. That the accused wrongfully had sexual intercourse with a certain person;
  2. That, at the time, the accused or the other person was married to someone else; and
  3. That, under the circumstances, the conduct of the accused was to the prejudice of good order and discipline in the armed forces or was of a nature to bring discredit upon the armed forces.

This means that a court martial needs to have documented evidence beyond a reasonable doubt. Evidence normally requires photographs, a confession and eyewitness testimony. Rumors are not evidence. The 3 Elements of Proof also requires that the government show that the individual’s conduct had some direct negative impact on the military. It is nearly impossible and time-consuming to prove that a service member committed adultery.

militaryadultery

Technically adultery is punishable by reprimand, dismissal and prison.

Knowing that it is nearly impossible to punish a service member for adultery, I think DOD should stop including adultery as an offense. Let’s leave adultery where it belongs– in the bedroom– and work on the true issues of today’s military community.

What’s your opinion of including adultery in the UCMJ? Share it in the comments section below.