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I Give Up on a DIY Military Ball Look

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My hair was an absolute rat’s nest. I’d tried and failed, at no less than five different hairstyles. My locks had been straightened, curled and twisted to the breaking point.

It was also about 10 minutes before I needed to walk out the door for a military birthday ball.

I Give Up on a DIY Military Ball Look

From curly, poofy styles to sleek chignons, I’ve rocked a wide variety of hairdos over the years. My makeup has always been on-point. Across continents, climates and through late-stage pregnancies, I have successfully DIYed my military ball glamour. This year, I give up.

That’s how my friend found me. Standing in my Spanx and strapless bra, hair fried to a crisp, no makeup and a curling iron in each hand, I had tears running down my face. I also needed to breastfeed the baby.

You could say I was in a bit of a crisis.

Why I Have to Give Up on a DIY Military Ball Look

For the last decade, I’ve been a DIY military ball queen. I don’t make my own dress. That’s a bridge too far even for me. But I certainly do my own hair and makeup.

It’s been a smashing success, filled with lots of bobby pins and hairspray.

From curly, poofy styles to sleek chignons, I’ve rocked a wide variety of hairdos over the years. My makeup, while minimalist, has always been on-point, too. Across continents, climates and through late-stage pregnancies, I have successfully DIYed my military ball glamour.

This year, I give up.

I am finding other ways to look my best on military ball night.

It is not worth the amount of stress that I put myself through. Even the years that have turned out well were stressful. There is always the moment of panic. Suddenly, I’ll look in the mirror and realize that the ‘do I was trying for is miserably failing.

Or I notice, on my way out the door, that my eyeliner is really noticeably crooked.

Who could forget the year that I thought I left the curling iron on? I blame pregnancy brain for that one though.

Getting ready on the day of the military ball was much simpler before children were involved.

I could leisurely shower and shave in the hours before go-time. Lotion? Sure! It’ll have time to dry while I browse my shoe collection. Hair could be done again and again, maybe even totally shampooed for a freshly washed look.

With kids? I’m lucky to grab a 10-minute shower. Then, I’m feeding the baby some yogurt while answering the preschooler’s never-ending questions about life and attempting to apply foundation.

Oh, in the middle of all of that, I’ve also hunted down my husband’s extra stiff neck collar thingy and his cufflinks. They were exactly where he left them after the last military ball.

There simply isn’t the time for me to do my own hair or makeup in a way that approaches presentable. If I attempted it this year, I might wind up with the 4-year-old special: a bunch of pigtails, some random bows and lots of blue eyeshadow.

I’m dropping cash on one fancy night out.

In my world, this is the major date night event. We’ve got the sitter, glamorous outfits and we just might splurge on a taxi. This year might be crazy – we’ll get a hotel room for a truly immersive ball experience.

All of that costs cash.

It’s also only one night a year and I’m going to live it up. For my family, adding the cost of professional hair or makeup is not a budget buster. The cost of dry cleaning his dress blues to destroy lingering cigar odors will be pricey than my trip to the hair stylist.

While the military birthday ball is totally his night, it’s also my night on the town too. I want to look and feel good. I don’t want to find dried baby food in my hair.

Being able to spend some time getting my hair done also means that we won’t be rushing out of the house at the last minute. I won’t be hastily trying to shove my hair into a giant sock bun with 30 seconds to go. No more lipstick applications in the car either.

Maybe this year, I’ll be able to eat a little something before we go. Perhaps I’ll remember to sneak a few packs of fruit snacks into my clutch too. Those guest speaker comments can be rather long-winded and I’m used to eating at 5:30 pm.

Saving the money by doing my own hair and makeup isn’t worth the stress and aggravation anymore. Maybe it would be a different story if my hair was easy to work with or I was less picky. But it’s not and I’m not.

I refuse to be crying in my Spanx 5 minutes before we need to leave for the military birthday ball again.

After she finished laughing, my friend revealed that she was also not ready to go. We managed to pull our hair back into big buns and slapped on some mascara. Luckily, my tears had only managed to give me a dewy fresh glow and not puffy red eyes.

Once we slid into the car, we both solemnly swore that 2017 was the very last time that we would ever attempt to DIY hair and makeup for the ball.

From now on, at least one thing is going to be handled by a professional.

Really, it’s for our mental health. And so that our husbands will stop their anxious pacing and watch checking.

Do you get your hair done professionally or do you DIY before a military ball?

Do Military Wives Feel Threatened by Female Service Members?

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I recently read an open letter from a military spouse. In this open letter this military wife unleashes all of her emotions about how she feels about women who serve in the military, how she thinks female service members feel about military wives and how these two group treat each other.

She clearly feels threatened by female service members and blames men for making her feel that way.

Do Military Wives Feel Threatened by Female Service Members?

I do not feel threatened by female service members. I’m impressed by them.

That’s what her letter comes down to or that’s what I’ve taken away from the read.

Initially I didn’t want to read the entire article, which is not like me at all. The executive editor pleaded with the readers in her foreword to read all the way to the end though, so I did.

The beginning mostly sounds like the whiny rant of a young military spouse.

That’s why I didn’t want to read further, but I did and I thought about what she said.

I Don’t Feel Threatened by Anyone

I certainly don’t feel threatened by anyone. Why would I?

Apparently, there are military wives that do or this letter wouldn’t have been written. I have been part of military life my entire life. Both of my parents were in the Army and my husband is in the Navy.

My husband does not serve on a ship. He serves in a small community that’s different from fleet Navy. There are a small number of female service members in this field. I do not feel threatened by them.

I’m impressed by them. Being a service member is a really tough job. It’s especially hard for a female. I think it’s amazing that these women are physically able to do the things that are required by this job.

I Feel Like Fighting on Behalf of Female Service Members

It takes an emotionally strong woman to be in a male-dominated field.

I hear what some of the men say about the female service members.

They don’t think they belong in the military.

They think they aren’t good enough.

And no matter how hard they work they won’t cut it in their minds.

Unlike the author of that open letter who wants to soak up every bit of that kind of conversation, I feel like fighting on behalf of the female service member.

The Relationship Between Military Wives and Female Service Members Is Complicated

I mentioned this open letter to a few military wives that have husbands serving on ships. They completely agreed with the author of that letter.

They relayed tales of male service members being kicked off ships for sleeping with female service members, of people cheating on their spouses while at sea and how female service members are a distraction to the mission.

They feel threatened by their presence.

Likewise, female service members taunt military wives for being overweight, lazy and unambitious.

They feel that military wives use their spouses’ rank to get their way.

They feel that military wives make up things to get them off ships.

It’s a pretty rough relationship between military wives and female service members.

Some of these situations are based off real events, but not all military wives fit this description and not all female service members act this way.

I’ve heard of these stereotypes but have never faced these situations, nor did I know it was such a big problem. I’m sure there are plenty more military wives and female service members that have experience with this.

Are you a military wife who feels threatened by the female service members that your husband works with? Are you a female service member who isn’t respected by your co-workers’ spouses? Share your story in the comments section.

Is Technology Killing the Romance of Deployments?

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Romance is dead!

Technology killed it.

Is Technology Killing the Romance of Deployments?

I miss the low-tech deployments. My husband and I would write each other letters and it was a treat to talk on the phone for 15 minutes.

Gone are the days when people gradually got to know one and another one date at a time. The slow and steady pace of forming a serious relationship has been replaced by search engines, dating apps and social media.

The death of romance is evident in the evolution of technology during deployments.

Before you all start leaving passionate comments about how technology is the source of all romance in your relationships, please hear my experience (which by no means is a reflection or condemnation on your relationship).

Technology Has Invaded Our Deployments

Technology has invaded every aspect of our lives. It is in our cars, homes and schools. We can monitor pets through video, turn lights on and off with a simple command and even adjust the room’s temperature from the comfort of our beds. I admit these are conveniences I enjoy, but I believe technology has made us less connected and allowed us to be less engaged with one another.

During my husband’s first deployment, more than 10 years ago, we would write letters, usually describing our day but mostly expressing our love, our hopes for the future and dreams of our reunion.

Occasionally we were able to speak on the phone. This was a special gift usually delivered in pre-dawn hours. Our calls would only last 15 minutes (if we were lucky) then the operator would break in to inform us our time was limited, in those days I came to hate her.

My husband would wait in line for hours after pulling 24-hour duty for a 15-minute conversation. That dedication, my friends, is romance.

Skype, FaceTime and Facebook Live were not yet invented so the only image of your spouse would be in your thoughts, unless you were lucky enough to catch a glimpse of him in the unit’s newsletter. I can remember holding tight to pictures, trying desperately to remember his face, his eyes and his smile.

I Hoped I Would Recognize Him at His Homecoming

Anticipation for the moment we would lay eyes on each other for the first time in a year would build as the deployment days counted down.

I will never forget our reunions in those early days. Standing on a parade field, feeling my heart pound out of my chest. The buses came rolling by, my breathe trapped in my lungs.

The moment of our homecoming had come.

The band began to play as hundreds of soldiers marching through the trees.

Tears welled in my eyes.

Pride swelled my heart.

I stood for what seemed like hours, searching for his face, hoping I would recognize him after such a long time apart. Then like a fairytale, there he was standing before me, and just like that all was complete in my world.

I Miss the Letter-Writing Deployments When I Believe We Were Truly Able to Miss Each Other

Don’t misunderstand, I appreciate technology. I appreciate the ability to call or text my spouse when I need him, like when I feel defeated by our lawn equipment.

Is Technology Killing the Romance of Deployments?

I believe that technology is killing the romance of deployments.

I appreciate the opportunity for him to watch his children grow even when he’s far away.

But I do miss the low-tech days, when I believe we were truly able to miss each other, to go days, weeks and even months without contact. This time allowed us to appreciate the time we do get together and not take a moment of it for granted.

To this day, we still write letters when my husband is deployed and have only Skyped a few times during a deployment.

I know that seems crazy to most military couples, but it has worked for us for over 15 years.

Do you think technology has helped or harmed romance?

How I Feel About Service Member-Only Military Discounts

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by Amanda Marksmeier, Guest Contributor

“Sorry, we only offer discounts to service members.”

As military spouses we have all heard this statement.

I find it ironic. My husband and I are partners in life, we share everything including a bank account. The money I use when making a purchase is as much his as it is mine.

Furthermore, the reason he is not with me is because he is either deployed, in the field or gone for training.

I don’t believe we as members of the military community are entitled to military discounts, but it is nice when a business offers a military discount to military spouses.

When the United States was engaged in two wars with the scars of 9/11 still seeping and American pride swelled within us, military discounts were a way to honor service members and their families. As the wars drag on and disappear from national headlines, the military community fades from the forefront of the minds of American civilians.

Unless you have a personal connection to the military you are unaware of the challenges and sacrifices of military families. So, allow me to share a few numbers with you.

The military spouse unemployment rate is estimated at 16%; the national unemployment rate is 3.9%. Sixteen percent doesn’t sound like a lot, but it equates to 104,000 out of work military spouses. This number does not reflect spouses who gave up their job search or are underemployed.

The average income for a service member is between $40,00 and $52,000 annually. The U.S. average annual household income is approximately $73,000. For those doing the math that is a difference of $21,000!

But military families don’t pay for housing or health insurance, right?! No, as a matter of fact we pay for both necessities. While military families can live in base housing it is not free.

Service members receive a housing stipend or basic housing allowance (which is included in the $52,000) but for families that choose base housing this money is recouped by the housing offices to cover living expenses.

Military members pay health insurance premiums just like everyone else. Granted our premiums are much lower than other insurance premiums but we pay them nonetheless.

Here are some more numbers to consider.

The average military family will move six to nine times. The government pays for the move, right? Yes and no. The government approves and pays to move our household goods up to a certain weight which is based on the service member’s rank, not how many dependents are in the household. They will also cover travel expenses such as gas, hotel stays and meals depending on the distance traveled.

What they don’t cover is the cost to ship a vehicle because your newly licensed teen is not experienced enough to drive across the country.

Another expense that is not covered is the three weeks of hotel fees because base housing is unavailable when you arrive on post.

A huge out-of-pocket expense for moving military families is food. For families living in a hotel or an empty home awaiting household goods, their only option is to eat out.

I know what you are thinking, no cooking or dirty dishes, sign me up. I am here to tell you, besides the cost, which can easily average $100 or more a day for a family of four, eating out gets old quickly.

My goal in sharing this is not to gain sympathy or “poor mouth” but simply to provide information by the numbers.

Many military families struggle financially, so a military discount not only helps their bottom line but boosts morale and gives a feeling of appreciation.

I have been a military spouse for almost 13 years and I am grateful for every moment of it. Military life has taken me many places and introduced me to amazing people. It is a life I chose but that doesn’t mean it is easy or cheap.

Our family has lived in six homes. My husband has been deployed for more than 60 months and has been away for far too many field exercises and trainings to count.

When I am offered a military discount on my purchase it makes me feel like someone is acknowledging and appreciating the commitment I made to my husband.

What are your thoughts on service member-only military discounts?

Amanda Marksmeier is an Army wife and mother of four. She works as an employment specialist assisting the military community in achieving their career goals. Amanda is also a contributing writer for a quarterly employment journal and has written for several military affiliated blogs.

Serving in the Army Is My Family’s Calling

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by Eric Gardner, Guest Contributor

The term family business has a menagerie of feelings and definitions depending upon who you ask. I prefer the term “calling” instead of “business,” since it casts a truer light upon my unique family past.

In the broad categories which define roles associated in our military culture I’ve held many of them.

Service member.

Military spouse.

Army brat.

I’ve worn these roles with pride. With more than 40 years of life vested in this unique and sometimes challenging community, I can say unequivocally I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

Service is a very dear ideal in my family. While I can trace my roots back to the American Revolution, I have had a constant family member in active service through WWI, WWII, Japan’s Occupation, the Cold War, and the Global War on Terror. My wife is also a third generation military member.

This family calling has given us a shared outlook and understanding on what is truly important in life.

Serving in the Army Is My Family's Calling

Did you follow your father and join the Army?

Even with such a rich family history of military service my parents never forced a career in the Army upon me. Growing up in the ’80s I was a huge fan of the “G.I. Joe” cartoon and shows like “The A-Team” and “MacGyver.” While other children my age saw these larger than life personas as too fantastic to be true, I knew the exact opposite.

As a child I could say that I’d met the proverbial steely eyes, barrel chested freedom fighter on several occasions. In “G.I. Joe,” Duke, Lady Jay and Roadblock would display the moral courage to take a stand against something they felt was wrong. I could see the same exhibition of character by walking into my father’s office on any given day and witness the towering soldiers doing the exact same thing.

This introduction into my family calling was accented more when units would hold their organizational days. These family-oriented events always showcased the tools of the trade to loved ones so they could get a better understanding of what their service member did.

Imagine seeing every Hollywood prop in real life and understanding that the soldier standing in front of you was just as awesome as any character that was on the big screen; it clearly made a lasting impression.

Before my elementary school years were over I understood how camouflage worked, possessed a loose understanding of how many different weapon systems our service men and women were tasked to employ and a firm respect for the work that each of them did.

Serving in the Army Is My Family's Calling

I never viewed my unique exposure to the Army as manipulation to join its ranks. Instead this insider information allowed me to make the best decision I could about my future.

I have wonderful memories of wearing face paint, dressed in my pint-sized fatigues and patrolling our military quarters with my sister in tow on a mission to find a lost G.I. Joe somewhere in the hedge. A smile always comes to mind when I think back to having my father introduce me to the challenges of obstacle courses and learned how stations like the gut buster and the weaver vexed the men and women under his command. Whether it was climbing on Humvees and tanks or checking out the static displays of the utility and attack helicopters, I saw the world of the military as a constant adventure.

On the flip side there were times when the military lifestyle was negative. The moves, training and deployments, and constantly reinventing yourself are challenges we can all relate to. However, with each of these, one thing made it all possible; family. My mother and father always put us first — within reason of course.

Even in the tough times we understood that friends and homes may change but our family would always be there.

When I went off to college my future world was a blank canvas to explore. Even with an endless array of life options, the most fulfilling was in my R.O.T.C. program which lead to my commissioning in the Army as an infantry officer. The same branch my great grandfather was in during WWI and my father was during his 30-year career. I never viewed the unique exposure to the Army as some sort of manipulation to join. Instead it allowed me to make the best decision I could about my future.

Serving in the Army Is My Family's Calling

My parents never forced a career in the Army upon me.

My tour of duty as a service member with the Army lasted eight and a half years. As I transitioned to the role of spouse my love for the military way of life didn’t change. With my own children now seeing the nonstop adventure this lifestyle holds they can make their own decisions when they enter the workforce to see if the military is right for them.

Regardless of their choice they will know that within their family were men and women who were willing to risk everything to ensure they would be afforded the same chance at a wonderful future they had been given.

Serving in the Army Is My Family's Calling

I can trace my roots back to the American Revolution, I have had a constant family member in active service through WWI, WWII, Japan’s Occupation, the Cold War, and the Global War on Terror. My wife is also a third generation military member.

Did you follow your parent and join the Army or other branch of service? Tell us your family of military service story in the comments section.

Eric Gardner was raised in a military family and lived around the world. Following in his father's footsteps, he joined the U.S. Army as an Infantry Officer. Eric Gardner was raised in a military family and lived around the world. Following in his father’s footsteps, he joined the U.S. Army as an Infantry Officer. Since the end of his wartime service he has shifted gears and is now a stay-at-home father. In his role as an active duty Army spouse, he has become an author. As the creator of the XIII Legion Series he has enjoyed great success, and enjoys meeting other entrepreneurial spouses as well as fellow authors. You can see more from Eric Gardner at his Facebook page: www.facebook.com/thirteenthlegion.series, and http://www.facebook.com/XIIILGN or follow him via Twitter @13thLegion.

5 Tips for Throwing a ‘We’re Moving Overseas’ Party

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Fair winds and following seas. May the road rise to meet you. Sayonara. Adios.

You’re moving overseas and you are probably in full-on packing and panic mode right now. Before you go, take some time to bid adieu to your friends and family stateside.

 5 Tips for Throwing a “We’re Moving Overseas” Party

The last thing you need in the middle of your current crazy is a lot of work. Instead, follow these 5 simple tips for a great farewell bash that might just make your move slightly easier! Plus, you’ll enjoy a memorable night with your friends and moments you’ll remember for a lifetime.

 5 Tips for Throwing a "We're Moving Overseas" Party

It makes sense to combine your PCS-specific tasks into a celebration with friends! The giving away of things during a PCS is a time-honored military family tradition.

Pick a Theme

Keep your party’s theme super simple: here or there.

For “here” parties, stick to things that are classically American or that you can’t get at your next duty station. Ask friends to bring classic side dishes and grill out. Decorate with an Americana theme in red, white and blue. Or pay homage to the things you’ll miss the most, like Target or Dunkin’ Donuts. You know, the essentials of life.

If you’re going with a “there” theme, make everything about your next duty station. Going to Germany? Pick an Oktoberfest theme with beer and brats, even if it’s June. Headed to Japan or Korea? Decorate with pink cherry blossoms and serve lots of noodles and green tea.

Either way, don’t buy a ton of decorations. You’re packing up your whole house, remember? If you don’t have anything that fits a “theme,” put up your holiday lights around the yard, patio, balcony or inside your house.

Set Your Menu

Use this farewell party as an opportunity to clean out your pantry. Put your non-perishable food on the counter. Try to match recipes with what you already have on hand. The goal is to buy as little additional food as possible while using up a good portion of the things in your pantry.

If you think that this might make for some interesting cuisine, you’re right! A 2012 PCS party did, in fact, lead to the creation of cranberry-creamed corn-stuffing balls with a light honey dijon mustard dipping sauce. They were shockingly delicious.

Once you’ve decided on what you’re making, invite your guests to contribute dishes as well. Chances are they’ll bring less inventive food.

Open Bar & BYOB

You can’t take open bottles of booze with you. It seems to be frowned upon. Something about leaking and damage.

Since you can’t take your liquor with you to your next military installation, mix cocktails using whatever you’ve got on hand at your “We’re Moving Overseas” party. Add a blender and frozen fruit for experimental margaritas and daiquiris. Again, the goal is to whittle your stash down to almost nothing.

If your guests want to contribute to the communal beverages or keep something more mainstream for themselves, encourage BYOB.

For the kids, mix up lemonade or serve juice boxes. If you have a lot of fresh or frozen fruit, DIY smoothies are always fun! Just make sure you clearly label the adult beverages.

Activities & Games

Use this party as an opportunity to clear out your closets!

For the kids, pull out every already opened arts and crafts kit you have on hand. Set out coloring books, crayons, markers, stickers and drawing paper at one station. Make a sidewalk chalk station or a painting station, too. Encourage your younger guests to use up everything.

You could also set out water guns, kiddie pools or water games you have on hand.

While the adults might be content to kick back with food and drink, you could also set out lawn games or card games.

Every Party Needs Favors

The giving away of things during a PCS is a time-honored military family tradition. Let your guests know to come with a few sturdy boxes.

Go through the house before the party and collect everything that the movers won’t or can’t pack. This is usually opened non-perishable foods, cleaning supplies, and other liquids. To that, add any clothes, furniture, toys or decor items that you don’t want to store or bring with you.

Sort everything by type and keep your “favors” in one area of the party space. Let your friends know that they should feel free to grab anything that strikes their fancy.

Anything left after the party can be trashed (if in poor/opened condition), donated (good/unopened) or gifted to friends in the last hours of your move. Just be sure to keep something for that final cleanup before housing inspection!

Celebrate Your Overseas Move with Fun and Humor

Yes, some of these tips might be a little tongue in cheek. However, using up pantry items, finishing off opened art or cleaning supplies and giving things away is the reality for PCSing military families.

It makes good sense to combine all these PCS-specific tasks into a big celebration with friends! Also, I’m betting that more than a few military friends have already attended or hosted a similar party before.

At the end of the day, your “we’re moving overseas” party will be remembered for good times spent with friends. Whether you serve a stuffing ball creation is totally your call.

How do you say goodbye to your friends before an overseas move? Tell us in the comments section.

What I Wish I’d Known Before Becoming a Military Spouse

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I’ve heard it, have you?

“You knew what you were getting into.”

It’s often delivered by a more seasoned spouse when another person appears to be complaining about military life. Other times we hear this from well-meaning members of the civilian population. Either way, I most certainly did not fully grasp what I was getting into when I married my military husband. I’m betting you didn’t know either.

What I Wish I'd Known Before Becoming a Military Spouse

What do you wish you had known before you became a military spouse?

What I Wish I’d Known Before Becoming a Military Spouse

How to Move Homes

Before that first PCS, the biggest “move” of my life was for a one-semester study abroad in, wait for it, Canada. I’m from New England. It was like moving next door.

As I dove into the military spouse world, I quickly realized I was in over my head. Everyone else had binders and plans and apps and lists of serial numbers (with photos attached).

I had, well, nothing.

Over time, I’ve picked up a few tricks. I wash and then bag clothes, bed linens and towels. Food and water are supplied for the packers and movers, but I watch them like a hawk too. I always leave some extra toilet paper in the bathroom along with some room spray.

All the Acronyms

I’m a teacher. We use acronyms for everything. I thought I was prepared…until the military came to town. At first, my eyes glazed over and my mouth went slack, complete with a strand of drool. Every other “word” out of my husband’s mouth seemed to be a random string of letters.

Luckily, I found a few great military spouse guidebooks that really explained some of these acronyms to me. The rest? I either asked my spouse, turned to a friend or Googled it. I’m still figuring some acronyms out.

Legal Eagle

Military life goes hand in hand with lawyers, it seems. I knew that real adults needed things, like wills and stuff. I just wasn’t prepared to dive in right away.

Nope, the military had other ideas! I quickly learned what a POA was, and that I would need several different versions to actually run my life during deployment. I also learned about wills, DNRs, insurance policies and SCRA. I wish that someone had sat me down during pre-military marriage counseling for the lawyer talk.

How to Pick a Rental Property

I’m a decade into this ride and I still feel like I’m winging this one for the most part. Luckily, my father-in-law is super handy at home and taught my husband well. But I don’t know that I would know what to look for that indicates a terrible home.

The first time around? Our off-base rental had rats. Another home (or two) had funky windows and an old heating system. Our current on-base home was assigned without other options, but it’s got a few geckos. Yes, you read that right.

I would still love a comprehensive checklist with what to look for in a rental property. If you’ve got this, please hit me up!

Ask for Help

Before 2008, I mostly flew solo. I felt competent and confident about everything, from school to love to housing. And then I got married and he left for a long time.

I needed help, but I wasn’t sure how to ask for it. I’d never needed anything more serious than a recommendation letter or a little string pulled.

Now, I needed help moving into our house, finding friends, figuring out finances and navigating a new location. It was a lot.

Luckily, I ended up in base housing (after the rat situation). I was surrounded by other brand new spouses plus a few experienced friends. With a little help, I figured it all out, mostly. Now I can share a little of my wisdom with other spouses.

Your Heart Breaks

To prepare myself for military life, I watched military classics. Namely: “Top Gun” and “An Officer and A Gentleman.” I was prepared for the romance, the mystery.

What I wasn’t prepared for? The moment that bus pulls out for 9 to 12 months. No one told me how much it would physically hurt to be away from my spouse.

They also didn’t prepare me for the other goodbyes that were coming. Every few years, deployment or not, my heart breaks again when we move. I’ve stood in more parking lots than I care to think about, tears streaming down my face. Saying “farewell,” even “see you later,” to dear friends is heart-wrenching.

The Best People

Unless you live in this community, you don’t truly get it. I’ve never met a more diverse group of individuals. The military welcomes everyone. It could be terrible. There are a lot of opposing viewpoints and beliefs here that have the potential to erupt.

Instead, everyone seems to have adopted the idea that we are in this together. No one hesitates to offer help to another family in need. I’ve had almost complete strangers step up when I was too sick to be around my child. Other friends save coupons for me to use while we’re OCONUS. We share rental recommendations, school information and the lowdown on making the best of a bad situation.

Some of my absolute best friends, the gals who are in my life forever, are military spouses.

I wish someone had told me how amazing this community is before I stepped into this life. The people we’ve met along the way have made all the difference for us.

What do you wish you had known before you became a military spouse? Tell us in the comments!

Please Don’t Ask Me That!

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Without fail, at social gatherings or online, it will happen. Someone will ask a question and my face will kind of freeze into an awkward mask. It’s somewhere between a cringe, a fake smile and an eye roll.

I don’t mean to do that. It’s just, well, some questions are awkward and strange.

Please Don’t Ask Me That: The Strangest Questions I’ve Been Asked As a Military Spouse

(Full disclosure: I haven’t personally been asked all of these questions, but I’ve had friends who have been or have heard the rumors about certain questions in my decade as a military spouse.)

Can you make sure your next move will take you to (location near family)?

If we actually got to pick where we moved, I would be picking Hawaii or San Diego. Maybe somewhere in Europe or a tropical island, like Jamaica.

Unfortunately, we just get told where to go. Even when submitting a “wishlist” of next duty stations is possible, the chances of getting your top choice is laughable.

Will you be going to visit your spouse in (location near the front lines)?

I’ve heard that Afghanistan has some lovely hiking in the Hindu Kush. I, unfortunately, do not plan on visiting my combat deployed spouse while he is there. He’s mentioned something about rocket strikes and horrendous dust storms during the 5 static-filled minutes we talked via satellite phone 2 months ago.

(Spouse) is coming home soon! Will you be moving home?

I’m not sure you understand how this life works. It’s a job and we live where the job is. There is not a job in (hometown) for my spouse. So we’ll be staying at our current location until the military sends us somewhere else.

I’ve watched “Army Wives.” When are you going to become friends with the general’s wife?

Any question that tries to relate my military spouse life to the fun, but fictional, romp that is “Army Wives” will get extra eye rolls from me.

No, unless my spouse rises in the ranks to that level, Claudia Joy will never be my BFF. Instead, I’ll be socializing mainly with families in a similar status or rank to my own spouse. If I am invited to a social event with the higher-ups, it will be a more formal occasion. Pleasantries will be exchanged, but I probably won’t become besties with a general’s wife.

Please Don't Ask Me That: The Strangest Questions I've Been Asked As a Military Spouse

What’s the craziest thing that you’ve been asked as a military spouse or service member?

Why can’t I post the specific homecoming date and location or share exactly when and where my spouse will be deployed?

Let me explain it to you in 5 little letters: OPSEC. Operational Security. A handy way to remind yourself of this is “loose lips sink ships.” There are individuals online constantly looking for information about forward-deployed troops.

Posting information online or oversharing in any situation can cause these individuals to target units or locations for attacks. Sharing specific homecoming information can also invite these trolls to interrupt the safe return of troops.

Your best bet? If it doesn’t come from the public affairs officer or shop, don’t post it or share it.

I want to visit my spouse at their unaccompanied OCONUS duty station. Won’t the military pay for me to go there?

No. They won’t. Your spouse or significant other is unaccompanied and has a job to do overseas. They might get some time to head home mid-tour, but otherwise will be mainly at their OCONUS location.

If you want to visit, you’ll need to do it on your own dime. Or learn how to work the Space-A system.

My spouse is late coming home from work. Who should I call?

No one. Call no one. Calling the duty desk or his shop or his senior NCO or reporting officer is not a good idea. Instead, of just being late tonight, your spouse will be late every night for the foreseeable future. And they’ll enjoy endless teasing from everyone else in their shop forever.

Instead, proceed as usual at home and maybe set aside some dinner for reheating later.

You had a baby in Japan! Does he have dual citizenship?

OK, first: that would be super cool! Second: my baby is fully an American without any extra citizenships. The overseas bases have special privileges, which include making any children born there immediate American citizens.

Unfortunately, having a baby OCONUS does mean that registering the birth is a super long and pricier process than in the States.

He’s home (or leaving soon). Planning to get knocked up?

I mean, maybe? Anyone who has tried to conceive kind of knows that it is a crapshoot, at best. Honestly, my desire to have a baby and when and how is really none of  your business.

Your life seems so exciting! Can you give me your best tips so I can marry into the military too?

After I give you some fierce side-eye, I’ll calmly explain that this life was never my first plan. I fell in love with a guy who happened to be in the military. The end. I didn’t chase him down because of his dress blues or go out hunting for a dude with dog tags.

While there are awesome parts to military life, a lot of this is really hard. It’s not all fancy birthday balls and happy homecomings. This life is messy and hard and emotional and stressful.

But good luck with that!

What’s the craziest thing that you’ve been asked as a military spouse or service member? Post your funniest stories in the comments!

What I Love About Being a Stay-At-Home-Dad

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by Eric Gardner, guest contributor

I have had many titles placed upon me in my life, but the one I cherish the most is stay-at-home-dad.

What I Love About Being a Stay-At-Home-Dad

There will always be enormous events in life, however the really important ones happen in between these milestones.

The role of a domestic engineer is a critical position that does not reward you in the traditional sense of a paycheck so some people struggle to define its value. As someone who benefited from a stay-at-home parent and now as I fill the role myself, I understand the profoundly positive impact this position can play in the health of a military family.

My wife and I, like many others, have always placed a very high value on our family. It’s a key consideration for us as we look forward with her military career.

As military families we can’t always stack the deck in our favor with PCS timelines or operational tempos but my wife and I have always tried to do the best we can.

As our family grew with the arrival of our oldest that core consideration of family value was put to the test.

As a dual-military couple we understood the time constraints our careers placed on us. With combat deployments on the rise at the time and both of us assigned to high op-tempo units we were concerned with how that could affect our family. We had seen many couples struggle with this and talked through countless scenarios. In the end the only one that fit us was my departure from the service to stay at home.

I won’t pretend there wasn’t a significant learning curve.

The transition from leading troops in combat to being unable to get my daughter into a diaper without it being a significant emotional event was an adjustment.

You cannot help but be humbled and laugh at life when your child pees through her diaper and onto your dress slacks as you stand in a receiving line for your wife’s change of command. Your once formidable persona as a ground combatant commander is shattered by the undeniable challenges that raising children will bring.

Yet with all difficult tasks come wondrous rewards. I know how fortunate I am to be able to say, I have been present at the birth of both of my children. I have been to every birthday, every holiday meal (because I am making them) and every milestone so far in their lives. Not out of luck but because I am supposed to be.

The role of a stay-at-home parent requires sacrifice, however it also yields immeasurable rewards.

I will admit that my wife got the first word status. I guess it is more fun to say “Momma” than “Daddy” in the beginning. She shares a bond with our girls I will never have – after all she is their mother.

I have been a Girl Scout troop leader and was given the unique chance to add a male perspective to my troop. Our Thinking Day observance was one such instance. As we told the unique histories and cultural information about Italy, my Girl Scouts showed off bedazzled gladiator weapons they made for the event.

I have been a spokesman for school programming, a room parent, hosted coffees and attended the military spouse events in Washington, D.C. As many of the other stay-at-home parents know there is never a shortage of areas to help out in.

Being a stay-at-home dad has allowed me the opportunity to never take myself too seriously. There will always be enormous events in life, however the really important ones happen in between these milestones. The loss of a tooth, learning to ride a bike, doing the first cartwheel, or getting a perfect score on a test.

Life happens in a few blinks of an eye.

Being afforded the opportunity to be with my girls daily lets me see them grow into beautiful ladies and allows me the chance to bolster their confidence so they can chase any dream they have.

Eric Gardner was raised in a military family and lived around the world. Following in his father’s footsteps, he joined the U.S. Army as an Infantry Officer. Since the end of his wartime service he has shifted gears and is now a stay-at-home father. In his role as an active duty Army spouse, he has become an author. As the creator of the XIII Legion Series he has enjoyed great success, and enjoys meeting other entrepreneurial spouses as well as fellow authors. You can see more from Eric Gardner at his Facebook page: www.facebook.com/thirteenthlegion.series, and http://www.facebook.com/XIIILGN or follow him via Twitter @13thLegion.

Do You Understand Tricare’s Upcoming Changes?

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Did you know that Tricare is changing? Just when you thought you had a grasp on how Tricare works, it’s going to change.

Here are the things you need to know about the changes that are coming, when they will begin, how they will impact your military family and what actions you need to take.

Do You Understand Tricare's Upcoming Changes?

If you are currently enrolled in Tricare, you don’t need to do anything if you want to stay in the same plan.

Upcoming Changes Are Coming to Tricare

Region Consolidation

Regions stateside will be consolidated from the current North, South and West to simply Tricare East and Tricare West as North and South merge. There are 2 contractors that will cover Tricare East, Humana Military and Health Net Federal Services.

Tricare Select

While Tricare Prime will not change, Tricare Standard and Tricare Extra will combine into one program, Tricare Select. This will happen on Jan. 1, 2018.

Tricare Select will be a self-managed program with a preferred provider network option available. You will not need to have a primary care manager (PCM). This will allow beneficiaries to go to any Tricare provider without a referral.

While change is usually unsettling, some things will improve. Access for beneficiaries to network providers under Tricare Select will be expanded to include more non-cost preventive services from network providers. The treatment for obesity, high-value care and telehealth will be expanded under Tricare Select.

Enrollment Deaadlines

Automatic enrollment for current Tricare beneficiaries will take place on Jan. 1, 2018. This means Tricare Standard and Tricare Extra beneficiaries will switch to Tricare Select instantly.

Throughout 2018, beneficiaries will be able to enroll in or change plans. In the fall however, Tricare will begin an annual open enrollment time.

At this point, beneficiaries will have to decide if they want to keep or change their Tricare plan for the next year. The open enrollment time will begin each year from now on the Monday of the second full week in November until the Monday of the second full week in December.

Under the previous Tricare rules, a beneficiary could change from Tricare Prime to Standard and vice versa at any time. Under the new Tricare policy, beneficiaries will not be able to. All changes must occur during open enrollment only.

The rules for qualifying life events (QLE) will also change. When a QLE occurs, the beneficiary has 90 days after the event to change the Tricare program they are enrolled to different one. Any member of that person’s family can also change their coverage during that time.

2018 will be a transition year meaning you can still change your Tricare program anytime however.

Specific Changes

Prime beneficiaries will be able to get appointments quicker by not needing a referral for some things. Going to Urgent Care without a referral by the primary physician will be included in this.

Select beneficiaries will see a change to finances. Currently there is a cost share that requires the beneficiary to pay a percent of the total care. Under the new Tricare program, Tricare Select will pay a fixed dollar amount.

Tricare for Life beneficiaries will see their benefits preserved but the authority is there to restructure and updated them.

How will these Tricare changes impact military families?

As Tricare changes from a fiscal year to a calendar year period, military families might see a shift in money. If catastrophic caps or deductibles have been reached, now that the timeline has shifted, there will be no increase in out-of-pocket expenses during that time.

Tricare beneficiaries will be divided into 2 groups. All sponsors that joined the military prior to Jan. 1, 2018 will be in group A, which will be grandfathered in. Those who join the military on that date or later will be put into group B, known as the non-grandfathered group. There will be distinct enrollment fees as well as out-of-pocket costs associated with each group.

What actions should you take?

Beneficiaries must enroll in one of these programs or coverage will be terminated. If this happens, they will only be able to get care at a military clinic on a space available basis.

If you are currently enrolled in Tricare, you don’t need to do anything if you want to stay in the same plan.

If you want to change plans, you should do so. Before Jan. 1, 2018, dependents should make sure they are registered in DEERS. Updating your information in DEERS is a good idea.

What questions do you have about Tricare’s upcoming changes?