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6 Things Civilians Should Know About MilFams

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The military community encompasses a very small percent of the entire United States population. That includes everyone that has ever served and their family members too. As a result, the civilian population might not be as privy to military culture and they may have some misconceptions about military families.

If you happen to be a civilian strolling around this part of the Internet, welcome! I’m glad you came and hope you have a chance to learn a little more about the military community because there are a few misconceptions that I hope to straighten out. I’m hoping I can stomp out any of your misconceptions and shed some light to what the military community really is like.

Here are 6 things that the general population needs to know about military families.

We get along with practically everyone.

I’ve heard around that military members tend to discriminate, but I think it’s a pretty big misconception. The military puts together all kinds of people from all different kinds of backgrounds to be brothers and sisters in arms. Despite the conflicts and challenges that our service members endure, they are very loyal to each other and their community. I believe this loyalty extends to everyone in their communities, military or not.

We aren’t nuts.

Military families tend to be patriotic because of the pride we have for our service members. I consider my husband my hero and I’m sure I speak for thousands of other military spouses when I say that. But, sometimes, our patriotic nature might be taken out of proportion and become another misconception. Just because I’m so proud of all the sacrifices that all our military members endure doesn’t mean I’m pro-war, if you know what I mean!

We don’t always live on base or post.

It is safe to say that a lot of us live inside an installation or in on-base/post housing, due to convenience and sometimes cost of living, but it isn’t for everyone. The misconception is that ALL military families keep to themselves and live away from the civilian population. On the contrary, there are a lot of military families living in civilian neighborhoods with lots of spouses working in civilian communities too.

We value our community on and off base or post.

Another misconception is that we tend to be loyal just to the military installation or military community. It happens that we relate to other military families because of the circumstances that we face, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t appreciate the community around us. I live off-post with my husband and have embraced the town we live in and take part by shopping locally and engaging in the community.

We are SO thankful for everything.

The misconception of military families being rich, needy or demanding is something I see from some mainstream media outlets. There are stories out there that we benefit a great deal financially from the military and other discounts…uh, I don’t even know where to begin with that. First thing, that misconception is the one I hope civilians understand as wrong. Facts and figures have been misconstrued and calculated in unusual ways to make it seem like we are gaining a lot monetarily. We’re not.

I wish I could do more for every business, organization and whoever else that has extended a helping hand to my family. I hope that they know their charity is being appreciated very much!

We are like any other family.

In this last misconception, big or small, military families are exactly the same as civilian families by being completely unique and different from one another, but still in the same boat.

I am truly convinced if you lined all of us up in a room (sans service member because, let’s face it, the haircut might give it away), a layperson would not be able to pick out the military family from the civilian family. With that being said, we all come from the same planet, so please don’t be afraid of us. Military families really want to fit in!

Which misconceptions have you heard about military families? Have you heard  anything that was absolutely false?

Hot Topic: Should the Military Pay for Tributes at NFL Games?

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The defense budget is getting slimmer. Spending cuts, in some form, are expected to hit the military this year. Congress is looking at retirement reform, cuts to housing allowances and Tricare prescription fee increases. And don’t forget about the sad proposed pay increase of 1.3 percent.

Combine all this doom and gloom funding discussions with this headline,

“The Pentagon paid 14 NFL teams $5.4 million to ‘salute troops’ ”

and many military families, including myself, are left shaking their heads in disbelief.

Should the Military Pay for Tributes at NFL Games?

The NFL was paid to provide salutes to service members. Do you think this type of advertising is effective for recruiting? Or is it a waste of taxpayer money?

The Pentagon reportedly signed contracts with 14 NFL teams stipulating that teams would be paid sums ranging from $60,000 to $1 million each. These 2011-2012 contracts required professional football teams to pause before kick-off and to salute the city’s “hometown heroes.”

What I thought was a kind gesture for our men and women in uniform was basically one giant recruiting poster.

But these patriotic promotions may be prohibited in the future. Arizona Sen. John McCain, along with fellow Arizona Sen. Jeff Flake and Connecticut Sen. Richard Blumenthal presented legislation that would “stop NFL teams from receiving recruiting or advertising money from the Defense Department to honor American soldiers at games.” This amendment also encourages teams “to donate profits from these efforts to charitable organizations that support members of the U.S. military, veterans and their families.”

“Our amendment would put an end to that shameful practice and ask the NFL to return those profits to charities supporting our troops, veterans and their families,” McCain said on the Senate floor.

Related: America’s Support for the Troops is Lip Service

In response, the National Guard and the NFL has defended this relationship. A statement from the NFL said that McCain’s proposed amendment paints a “distorted picture.”

“This amendment paints a completely distorted picture of the relationship between NFL teams and our military. We agree that no one should be paid to honor our troops. Military spending on recruiting efforts should not be confused with programs that support our nation’s active military and veterans,” NFL spokesman Brian McCarthy said in a written statement.

Should the Military Pay for Tributes at NFL Games?

Army Maj. Gen. Roger Mathews, U.S. Army Pacific deputy commander, looks on during the ceremonial coin toss at the 2012 NFL Pro Bowl game at Aloha Stadium in Honolulu, Hawaii. (U.S. Air Force Tech. Sgt. Michael R. Holzworth)

But then there’s this:

“What makes these expenditures all the more troubling is that at the same time the Guard was spending millions on pro sports advertising, it was also running out of money for critical training for our troops,” McCain said.

Wait, what?

McCain said that in 2014, the National Guard “was facing a shortfall of more than $100 million in the account used to pay its soldiers and potential delays in training.” It should also be noted that last year, the Guard discontinued its sponsorship of NASCAR after spending $88 million over 2 years.

For a complete list of teams that received money to salute the military, click here.

Now it’s your turn: What do you think of DOD spending money on military tributes at sporting events?

The Ideal Surrogate, the Military Wife

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The Ideal Surrogate, the Military Wife

Did you know that officially, Tricare does not cover surrogacy?

Twenty percent of the 1,000 babies born each year via surrogate in America are carried by military wives, or some say. There is no official data, though you’ll see this number over and over again in so many sources, as surrogacy is highly unregulated. In fact, there is no federal law governing it.

State laws vary on surrogacy and in New York for example, it is illegal and any parties to a surrogacy arrangement can be fined up to $10,000. For a lawyer or agency, if they are caught a second time it is a felony. Other states, such as New Mexico don’t have a law at all. Tennessee, on the other hand, has a statute that expressly authorizes the surrogate birth process.

This makes surrogacy a bit complicated for some hopeful would-be parents. Finding the ideal surrogate in the right location can be a challenge. This is where military spouses come in. For some, they are seen as the ideal candidate. According to multiple agencies, military spouses make up 15 to 20 percent of their surrogates.

Military spouses are considered the ideal surrogates for many reasons.

Doctor examining a pregnant woman

What’s your opinion on military wives being surrogates?

Military spouses are generally independent and self-sufficient from years of being part of the military lifestyle. Their spouses are away a lot and so they must learn to overcome and do things on their own. They are mentally able to handle situations in a strong responsible way. Giving up a baby you’ve carried for 40 weeks is hugely emotional and some feel that military wives are more emotionally equipped.

The Ideal Surrogate, the Military Wife

How do you feel about military wives being surrogates?

Having a sense of duty and a desire to help is something strongly felt within the military community. Many surrogates state that their desire to help another couple have a family is their driving factor. Many people have the assumption that women become surrogates for the money, but looking at surveys and community boards, it is clear that most of them say the No. 1 reason they choose to do this is because they truly want to help another family.

The money however is also a driving factor. Service members do not, in general, make a lot of money. Surrogates are compensated between $25,000 and $50,000, with an average closer to $35,000. This is a substantial amount of money, especially for lower ranked enlisted who don’t earn much.

Health insurance, Tricare, is one reason agencies particularly like military spouses. Tricare pays for all of the doctor appointments, pre-natal care and deliveries. That is a huge savings for potential parents, as purchasing health insurance for the surrogate could cost them up to an additional $25,000 on top of the average $100,000 cost of having a baby though a surrogate via an agency. There is huge controversy in using Tricare however.

Officially, Tricare does not cover surrogacy. Doctors aren’t likely to specifically ask if you are having the baby for yourself. If Tricare becomes aware of this however, they have the right to recoup the cost, which they have done. The Chief of Public Affairs though has said,

We have 9.5 million beneficiaries and our beneficiaries will have roughly 2,100 birthday every week. We have to be focused on making sure everybody gets their care. We can’t be a big police force.

People have very strong opinions of those that take advantage of this loophole. Some don’t see a problem with it at all. Tricare is a benefit they are entitled to as part of a military family. It is their body and their right to do with it as they please.

Others say they are abusing the system. They are using taxpayers’ money to have babies for other people, possibly for would-be parents in other countries. I’m not quite sure how I feel yet even after all this time researching surrogacy in the military.

What’s your opinion on military wives being surrogates?

Marine Corps Experimenting with Coed Living

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“Did you know your husband is living with a female?”

That’s what a fellow Navy wife told me when my husband was deployed to Iraq with his Seabee battalion in 2007. When I was told that husband was living with a female sailor, I wasn’t jealous, nervous or upset. Mostly I was just confused. So I asked my husband about it. He quickly explained that yes, technically he was sharing a space with her (because they didn’t have time to build a separate room for a woman), so they put up a wall to divide the space. That reasoning made sense to me. It wasn’t the Hilton. It was a deployment.

Eight years later, I’m amazed with the number of active duty females I see on base. You can see that the military world isn’t a man’s world anymore. And as the Defense Department facilitates the transition of more females into combat roles, the logistics of a coed fighting force are being ironed out with various trials and experiments. One of those gender-integration experiments is taking place in 29 Palms, Calif.

Marine Corps Experimenting with Coed Living

What do you think of coed living for military service members?

Marines assigned to the Ground Combat Element Integrated Task Force are living side-by-side “in tents— regardless of gender— the way a future integrated unit might expect to live during field training or downrange on a deployment.” The Marines chose their tent mate; in this experiment, all the females decided to pair up with another female. There are separate shower facilities.

Related: Carter Says Women in Combat Could Be More Vulnerable to Sexual Predators

Besides completing their typical training, the Marines are also given the opportunity to give feedback about integrated unit cohesion throughout the experiment. These surveys and interviews will be analyzed and published in a study by the Center for Naval Analyses. The study will analyze the “Marines’ perception of the unit as a whole,” according to the Military Times article.

This same article said that “despite the close quarters and privacy challenges, Marines said they settled easily into the arrangement.”

“It was really strange for some people at first,” said Cpl. Kevin Rodriguez, 22, who was directly assigned to a staff position at the artillery unit in the Military Times article. “But now it’s like we’re brothers and sisters. It happened really fast; I was pretty surprised. Now we’re sleeping together on the ground, on the back of the trucks, like it’s normal.”

Normal. As DoD works to incorporate women into combat roles, that’s what we need to strive for, a sense of normalcy. We need to strive for living conditions, coed or not, that feel normal to the service members experiencing these living conditions.

Now it’s your turn. What do you think of coed living for military service members?

Female Pioneers Breaking the Military Elite Barrier, One Pushup at a Time

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Remember Shannon Faulkner? In 1995, Faulkner was the first woman to enroll at the Citadel following a federal court order. I remember Faulkner. I was a high school student at the time and I closely followed her court case. Even though I personally had no intention of attending a military academy or enlisting in the military, I cheered on Faulkner and her right to try. Her right to follow her dream. Her right to prove herself against the male students.

Twenty years later, I find myself again cheering on those female pioneers in the military. The ones who are working to break gender barriers to prove that they are tough enough, strong enough and smart enough to call themselves Army Rangers.

Should women be able to be Army Rangers?

What do you think of women serving as Army Rangers?

Media outlets, from NPR to Fox News, have been closely following 60 women who volunteered and were allowed to participate in the two-week-long Ranger Training Assessment Course (RTAC) that ended on Jan. 31. This first class was aimed at making the training standard for females. And I’m a big believer in that.

Let’s not sell women short by adopting lower standards to earn the Ranger tab. Every single Ranger should be able to meet the same qualifications.

Out of 122 soldiers who started RTAC, 48 percent passed. There were 43 male dropouts in addition to the 21 women, the Army Times reported. Five women, all officers, completed RTAC, which is considered to be a reliable litmus test for which soldiers are likely to have a chance at passing the Ranger Course.

First Females Competing to be Army Rangers

First Lt. Christel Sacco, executive officer of Company B, 1st Battalion, 61st Infantry Regiment, at Fort Jackson, S.C., is training to earn her Ranger tab.

Last December, for the first time, 3 women passed the Marine Corps’ physical test to become infantry officers. Two dozen female Marines have tried to pass the test since the course opened its doors to women in 2012. Later this year, U.S. Special Operations Command and Naval Special Warfare are expected to announce if the rank of SEAL will be available to women.

All this female integration stems from former Defense Secretary Leon Panetta’s announcement in 2012 to open combat positions to women. In 2013, he lifted the military’s exclusion on women in direct ground combat. By 2016, the military must open all combat jobs to women or ask for special exceptions.

Twenty years after Faulkner’s legal battle, I am even more emotionally attached to integrating females into all aspects of the military. Today I’m a Navy wife and I’ve seen my husband work alongside and under the outstanding leadership of women all the way up to Rear Admiral Katherine Gregory. Gregory is the first female flag officer in the Civil Engineer Corps.

I’m also the mother of 2 young girls who are constantly asking if boys are better than girls. Just last night, my daughter asked if girls can be Seabees. Of course, my husband and I reassured her. Girls can do anything that boys can do. Some day soon, they will even be able to serve as Army Rangers.

Now it’s your turn. What do you think about women serving in elite units on the frontlines?

Food Insecurity a Reality for Many Military Families

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Military Families Use Food Banks

Are you a military family who uses a local food bank?

I wasn’t surprised by the numbers. I wasn’t shocked by the headlines. I thought to myself “yeah, that seems about right.” Many military families, like many Americans, regularly face food insecurity so these military families, like many Americans regularly fill their pantries with nonperishable items from their local food banks. They may do it once. They do it between pay periods. They may do it every 6 months. The point is that military families use food banks.

This isn’t something new. My husband volunteered distributing food to military families at a southern California installation in 2003. But the news of American service members utilizing civilian food banks has recently grabbed the media’s attention.

It all started with Feeding America’s annual survey. In that report, it said that 620,000 households that seek food assistance from a Feeding America network agency each year include at least 1 member who is currently serving in the U.S. military. That person may be an active duty Marine or he may be an inactive reservist. The Feeding America study didn’t examine that type of specific data. But every media outlet ran with a headline saying “25 percent of military families are seeking food aid.”

The Department of Defense immediately questioned Feeding America’s survey methodology saying that “surveying households instead of individuals while comparing those numbers to military data creates an inaccurate picture.” The Pentagon spokesman also reminded Americans that the military offers the Family Subsistence Supplemental Allowance for low-income families.

But few military families are using the Family Subsistence Supplemental Allowance. Why? My guess is military families want to remain anonymous in their financial struggle. They don’t want their commander to find out they can’t afford to feed their 5 children. That’s why military spouses prefer to visit a food pantry at their local churches. In the majority of cases, spouses show their military ID and the food bank will give them food that day.

A short and incomplete search on Google showed food drives for hungry airmen, lines of Marine families waiting for free food, donation drop-off locations near Navy installations, partnerships between the USO and food banks and churches scrambling to fill the need for veterans, National Guard soldiers and Reservists families. I’m sure if you ask your FRO or the Navy and Marine Corps Relief Society, they will tell you that some, not all, military families are struggling financially to make ends meet.

If military families weren’t struggling, than why would there be a need for food banks located on overseas military installations?

Many military families, like many Americans are living paycheck to paycheck. They aren’t saving for their dream house and they won’t buy a vacation home at their retirement. They are scraping by and local food banks ease their burden.

Do I think military families should use local food banks? Frankly it’s none of my business. But I do think that the Pentagon needs to hear the old adage: if one military family is relying on a local food bank, that’s one military family too many.

Did you donate food through DeCA’s Feds Feed Families program? How do you feel about military families using food banks?

Hey Uncle Sam, Stay Out of Service Members’ Bedrooms

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cheatingservicemembers

Rumors are not evidence.

The Department of Defense is full of adulterers. From privates to generals, you can find service members, both enlisted and officers, who have committed adultery by cheating on their spouses. While it is commonly believed that if a service member is unfaithful to his/her wife, the Armed Forces will discharge him/her, military spouses can rattle off countless examples (many based on rumors) where the service member isn’t punished for cheating. A few of these examples reach national news headlines, as in the case of Gen. David Petraeus and Army Col. James H. Johnson III. But the majority of military adulterers never face repercussions from their chain of command and never face the public scrutiny.

If service members cheat on their spouses, but never get kicked out of the military isn’t this no-adultery rule pointless?

The Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ) is a federal law, enacted by Congress, to govern legal discipline and court martials for the Armed Forces. The UCMJ is the guiding legal document for all service members. Articles 77 through 134 of the UCMJ outline the “punitive offenses” or crimes that service members can be prosecuted.

Here is a list of offenses that are listed in the UCMJ:

  • Captured or Abandoned Property (Article 103)
  • Absence Without Leave (Article 86)
  • Drunken or Reckless Driving (Article 111)
  • Dueling (Article 114)

Adultery is NOT listed as a punitive offense in the UCMJ.

That said let’s look at Article 134, the General Article within the UCMJ.

Though not specifically mentioned in this chapter, all disorders and neglects to the prejudice of good order and discipline in the Armed Forces, all conduct of a nature to bring discredit upon the Armed Forces, and crimes and offenses not capital, of which persons subject to this chapter may be guilty, shall be taken cognizance of by a general, special or summary court-martial, according to the nature and degree of the offense, and shall be punished at the discretion of that court.

–Article 134 of the UCMJ

It’s the typical catch-all paragraph that the government loves to have in any legal document.

Technically adultery is punishable by reprimand, dismissal and prison. But service members are rarely charged with adultery as a stand-alone offense. If they are charged with adultery, it’s usually tied to a list of offenses. That was the case for Air Force Lt. Kelly Flinn, the first female pilot of a B-52 bomber. She faced a court martial for adultery for an affair with a married civilian, lying about the affair by denying it to an investigator, fraternizing with an enlisted man in another brief affair and disobeying a direct order. In the end, Flinn was allowed to be discharged from the military instead of facing a court martial.

marriedcouple

If service members cheat on their spouses, but never get kicked out of the military isn’t this no-adultery rule pointless?

Adultery, as a military offense, is rarely prosecuted because of the necessity of 3 Elements of Proof, as outlined in the Manual for Courts-Martial. Here are those elements:

  1. That the accused wrongfully had sexual intercourse with a certain person;
  2. That, at the time, the accused or the other person was married to someone else; and
  3. That, under the circumstances, the conduct of the accused was to the prejudice of good order and discipline in the armed forces or was of a nature to bring discredit upon the armed forces.

This means that a court martial needs to have documented evidence beyond a reasonable doubt. Evidence normally requires photographs, a confession and eyewitness testimony. Rumors are not evidence. The 3 Elements of Proof also requires that the government show that the individual’s conduct had some direct negative impact on the military. It is nearly impossible and time-consuming to prove that a service member committed adultery.

militaryadultery

Technically adultery is punishable by reprimand, dismissal and prison.

Knowing that it is nearly impossible to punish a service member for adultery, I think DOD should stop including adultery as an offense. Let’s leave adultery where it belongs– in the bedroom– and work on the true issues of today’s military community.

What’s your opinion of including adultery in the UCMJ? Share it in the comments section below.