Military Life News

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The Debate Surrounding Transgender Troops Serving in the U.S. Military

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Beginning last summer, the U.S. military community has been debating whether transgender troops are fit to serve. President Donald Trump and Secretary of Defense James Mattis, along with many military leaders, seem to be at odds over a policy relating to transgender troops.

The Debate Surrounding Transgender Troops Serving in the U.S. Military

The White House is anticipated to release its final verdict and policy on transgender troops this month.

Final Policy Pending

Mattis was under a February 21, 2018, deadline to return his recommendations to the president. According to The Washington Post, it is anticipated that Mattis will support transgender troops currently serving, as well as those wishing to join in the future. Mattis made his official recommendation regarding Trump’s proposed transgender military policy on February 23, 2018. The Pentagon has not confirmed or commented on Mattis’ final recommendation.

As of January 1, 2018, individuals identifying as transgender are free to enlist or seek a commission in the U.S. Armed Forces.

Mattis’ likely position could be supported by a 2016 Rand Corporation study that was commissioned by the Obama administration. Former President Barack Obama and his administration had removed the ban on transgender troops who serve openly in June 2016.

This study found that less than 1% of active duty troops identify as transgender.

Approximately, between 1,320 and 6,630 active duty troops identify as transgender. Additionally, the study found that total medical costs related directly to transgender-specific medical care would be negligible, amounting to less than $10 million annually. This is a “relatively small” amount in the military budget. It represents a 0.04% to 0.13% increase in the overall active duty health care expenses.

Finally, not all transgender troops would elect to transition medically, with surgery. The study concluded that between 29 and 129 service members would experience a disruption to deployment readiness as a result of transgender-specific medical care.

Currently 1.3 million troops are on active duty.

Trump Tweets New Transgender Policy

On July 26, 2017, Trump tweeted his desire to reinstate a ban on transgender troops. He cited the increased cost of medical care for transgender troops as well as the disruption of military service. His announcement, which claimed that he had consulted with top military brass, seemed to catch Mattis and other military leaders off-guard. At the time of the tweets, Mattis made no immediate official comment.

Days later, military leaders appeared to walk back Trump’s sweeping policy change. Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Joseph Dunford made clear that transgender personnel would continue to serve until Mattis received clear direction from Trump. Then, that direction would need to be implemented over time. This decision was supported by Mattis.

According to recently released emails, Dunford communicated to the other service chiefs that he was “not consulted.” Dunford appeared willing to confirm this to the media and wrote that this policy change “was unexpected.”

Ban Blocked in Court

On October 30, 2017, the U.S. district court in Washington, D.C., issued an injunction in favor of 8 transgender individuals who were in ROTC programs or enrolled at service academies. The D.C. court’s decision was backed by the Maryland district court in a November 12, 2017, ruling. The Maryland judge also issued an impending injunction that blocked Trump’s proposed ban to take effect due to constitutional violations of the plaintiffs. Both cases are still pending a final ruling.

The initial rulings from Maryland and D.C. allowed these individuals to continue to take steps toward active duty service. The injunctions also swayed the Pentagon to allow transgender individuals to enlist starting on January 1, 2018.

Trump directed Mattis, per an August 25, 2017, executive order, to review the current policy as well as his proposed policy. His recommendations were due back to the White House on February 21, 2018.

The White House is anticipated to release its final verdict and policy statement on March 23, 2018.

Questions Remain for Transgender Troops

In the middle of all of this political discussion, are the openly transgender troops currently serving. Their continued service is potentially at risk. In addition, as of January 1, 2018, openly transgender individuals are allowed to join active military service.

Trump’s March 23 decision could have immediate ramifications for troops currently serving, as well as those who are beginning their initial processing and training. Troops who are currently serving may be forced to resign without benefits. However, the actual proposed policy regarding current transgender service members remains unclear.

What do you think? Should transgender service members be allowed to serve openly in the U.S. military?

No Fanfare for 6 Female Expert Infantryman Badge Earners

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Six female soldiers recently stood among the few who earned the right to wear the Army’s Expert Infantryman Badge.

To earn the badge, they were required to pass a grueling multi-day challenge that tested their modern-day warfighter skills. That list of skills, 30 tasks deep, included passing an Army physical fitness test with a minimum of 80 percent in each category, multiple weapons lanes, day and night land navigation, as well as proficiency in several combat lifesaver skills, chemical decontamination, and an arduous 12-mile ruck march with a 40-pound pack.

The names and units of these female soldiers were not released, and like so many other noteworthy female pioneers, they quietly took their place in the trophy halls of American feminism.

The Expert Infantryman Badge challenge, attempted by hundreds of infantry soldiers each year, remains attainable by only a small percentage. Of the 1,007 who competed in November 2017, only 289 remained standing at the end.

That women could compete and subsequently earn and wear the badge has only recently become an option. We just passed the two-year mark on the history-changing decision to allow women to serve in infantry positions.

In May 2017, the first gender-integrated infantry basic training graduated 18 female soldiers. Those soldiers now serve in one of a number of infantry units across the Army.

And while there were 6 women who earned their Expert Infantryman badges at Fort Bragg last year, they are not the first women to have charged into this challenge and passed.

In 2011, Captain Michelle Roberts, a company commander in the 2nd Battalion, 60th Infantry Regiment earned the EIB, but because she did not have an infantry MOS, was not authorized to wear the badge.

Additionally, 2 female soldiers from the South Korean army passed the EIB challenge in 2014. And since the South Korean army has allowed women to serve in infantry positions since the 1990s, their achievement is proudly displayed on their uniforms.

No Fanfare for 6 Female Expert Infantryman Badge Earners

Why do you think there wasn’t any fanfare for these women who earned the Expert Infantryman Badge?

There wasn’t much fanfare in the announcement of these new awardees, which gave me pause to wonder why.

Was it because these 6 women feared the inevitable backlash that always seems to ensue when a woman manages to crash through a glass ceiling or wall that protects the mighty accomplishments previously achieved only by men?

Peruse any article touting female soldier accomplishments and the comments are a mix of cheering and ridicule, celebration and suspicion. Accusations of “lowered standards” permeate the rhetoric of those still convinced there is no room in today’s Army for female infantry soldiers.

A quick review of the latest guidance issued by the Army regarding the required standards for the Expert Infantryman Badge offers only one area in which there could be any perceived difference of standards and that’s the APFT.

Participants are required to pass their APFT with a minimum score of 80 in each of the 3 events – 2-mile run, sit ups, and push-ups. Current Army standards do present a difference in the number of sit ups and push-ups, and the time requirements based on gender. However, there is not one standard for males, either, as the APFT also makes allowances for age.

Perhaps it was the choice of these new female EIB awardees to avoid the PR and countless media interviews.

Maybe they are part of the significant number of female service members who are tired of standing out simply because of their gender.

Maybe they believe we have finally reached a point where female soldiers have done enough that their successes no longer need be celebrated as firsts.

Instead, maybe these 6 women simply want to put on their boots, show up and excel at their jobs. Something female soldiers have been doing every day for years.

Why do you think there wasn’t any fanfare for these women who earned the Expert Infantryman Badge?

What I Wish I Could Change About Military Life

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Mostly, I love the military life I live. Exciting duty stations are possible every 3 years. The military community is strong and supportive. Plus, this life has given me the change to pursue a passion for writing and education advocacy.

Need I even mention the chance to play Cinderella at least once a year? Those dress blues still make my heart flutter after almost a decade.

Still, though, there are things I wish I could change. I believe that these changes would, largely, benefit the entire military community.

What I Wish I Could Change About Military Life

What do you wish you could change about your military life?

What I Wish I Could Change About Military Life

Tour Time

In some places, it just seems too short. In others, too long. I understand that there will never be a happy medium that fits every location or situation, but something needs to give. Generally, I think that longer tours at most CONUS posts would benefit the troops and their dependents.

When military families are required to move, on average, every 2.5 years, it creates ripple effects for the whole family. Personally, I’ve changed my career in major ways due to our PCS tempo.

By the time I arrive at a duty station, get licensed to teach and find a position, it’s practically time to move again!

I have not ever taught anywhere for longer than 2 consecutive school years. Even the one time I made that happen, it was broken up due to pregnancy and maternity leave.

For children, moving so often can cause stress and distress at school. Military children are perpetually the “new kid” at school. By the time they make friends and settle into a routine, it’s time to pack their things and hit the road. Every 3 years or so, everything starts from scratch at the new school. Education plans, athletic pursuits and extracurricular activities are interrupted, changed or dropped due to frequent moves.

For troops, becoming an expert in one job in one location doesn’t seem like a bad thing either. Especially for positions that interact with the public or those carrying out sensitive operations, tenure might be a great thing. I understand the military wants troops to experience their career field from different angles and deploy with different units. However, it seems like service members are PCSed just as they are gaining total expertise in a field or becoming the go-to person in a shop. Just when you need the expert the most, you swap that person out for someone just learning the ropes. This isn’t helpful to anyone!

It seems to me that extending tour times would benefit troops and their families with additional stability at work and home. Military spouses could build solid careers or employment history. Children could at least attend one school level in just a single place. Troops could become develop their expertise and level up their position.

Hurry Up and Wait

I understand the need for secrecy and security. After all, this is our nation’s defense system we are talking about. But some things are just plain silly.

For example, board results and orders.

Troops submit their packages, which are reviewed and recommended (or not) to whatever board(s) that individual is eligible for. That board meets, discusses the service members presented to them, and makes decisions: promote or not; career field school or not; PCS or PCA or not.

And then everyone waits for weeks or months on end.

Why?

I can understand the issues perhaps a decade or more ago. Communicating all of these selections and coordinating placements took time. Today we probably have an app for that or at least a very large spreadsheet. There surely must be a more timely and efficient way to coordinate board result announcements.

The wait is stressful. It’s filled with anxiety about “what if’s.” Or a service member is fully confident in positive news, only to have a devastating blow delivered.

Then there are the PCS orders. I get that the needs of the military come first. But could they arrive in a more timely fashion? There are only so many individuals in a service in each career field, and there are only so many open positions available. Why is there such a song and dance routine about where people will go to next?

Am I the Only One?

Which brings me to my last beef: OCONUS PCSing in general.

I need this question answered: Am I the very first person to move OCONUS with a small child and a dog?

No really. I’m not joking.

Based on how my last PCS was handled, it would appear that my family was the very first ever to attempt such a move. Nothing happened in a timely fashion, every little thing was an issue and there was so much miscommunication that I still can’t tell what was actually true.

Additionally, from the chatter on military spouse Facebook pages, it seems as if we are not, in fact, the first to attempt this move. However, it would seem that the folks in charge of PCSing forget how to do these things or communicate the SOP to troops or dependents.

Everyone is confused, upset and anxious because no one knows what is going on. Ever. We can’t get straight answers or seek advice from others because every single service and duty station operates differently.

Get. It. Together.

Create one streamlined way for everyone to move to a given destination, especially for OCONUS PCS moves. Make a fun and informative manual and distribute it widely. Then be done.

Maybe if the folks in charge of facilitating the moving process weren’t moving every few years, everything would run smoother.

Now it’s your turn: what do you wish you could change about your military life?

Will Tricare’s Changes Impact Military Retirees?

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By now the cat is out of the bag and you’ve probably heard and maybe even read about all of the changes to Tricare coverage for active duty personnel starting in 2018.

But what about the changes to plans offered to military retirees?

Much like the changes for Tricare Prime and Tricare Select (formerly known as Tricare Standard and Tricare Extra), the changes depend on the plan you use.

Yes, there are changes and increases to fees, and yes, there are also some increases in coverage for certain types of care.

The good news is that 2018 will be a transition year for the permanent changes and just as in years past, retirees will be able to switch plans as they wish. However, starting in 2018 for coverage beginning in 2019, Tricare for Retirees and Tricare for Life will see enrollment periods opening once per year and any changes to plan enrollment will need to take place during the open-enrollment period from the middle of November to the middle of December.

Will Tricare's Changes Impact Military Retirees?

Will you be impacted by Tricare changes this year? What’s changing for your health insurance plan?

Changes in Prescription Fees

All beneficiaries will see a change in prescription fees starting in February 2018. A 30-day supply of name brand drugs will run retirees $28, while generics will cost $11. Ninety-day supplies via home delivery will be $24 for name brand and $7 for generics. There will continue to be no co-pay for prescriptions filled at military treatment facilities for eligible plans. Non-formulary co-pays will be $53 for both 30-day retail in-network filled and home delivery.

Changes to the Retiree Dental Plan

The current Retiree Dental Plan will be retired in December 2018. The plan will be replaced with the same plan currently offered to federal employees and more information about the plan and any additional changes will be put out later this year.

Changes to Tricare Retirees – Select

All retirees using Tricare were notified late last year about the enrollment requirement. Enrollment is required in order to continue care. Current Tricare Retirees-Standard (now called Select) will see out-of-network fees charged for any care received without enrollment, so if you use this plan and haven’t already enrolled, take the time to do so. It will save you money if you end up needing care this year.

In addition, Tricare Retirees-Select will continue to see no enrollment fees until 2021. After that an annual enrollment fee will be charged, similar to the Tricare Retirees-Prime fees already in place. These annual enrollment fees will be due in January 2021.

Medical retirees and survivors of service members killed in action using Tricare Retirees-Select however, will be exempt from the fee.

Other changes include upping the the catastrophic cap for retirees using the Standard plan staring in 2021 from the current $3,000 to $3,500.

For Select users starting in January 2018, in-network primary care visits will cost $35 and in-network specialty care will cost $45 per visit. In-network emergency room visits will run $116 per visit and urgent care $35 per visit.

Changes to Tricare Retirees – Prime

Tricare Retirees-Prime will continue to see much of the same coverage currently offered. Annual enrollment rates will see annual increases equal to COLA rates. Enrollment dates and fees will move from October to January starting in 2018.

For any point-of-service visits outside of a military treatment facility, retirees using Prime will pay $20 for in-network primary care and $30 for in-network specialty care. In-network emergency room visits will cost $60 and urgent care, $30.

Changes to Tricare for Life

Retirees using Tricare for Life will see almost no changes to their current coverage. The current $150 (single rate) and $300 (family rate) will remain the same for costs not picked up by Medicare.

Additionally, the catastrophic cap will remain the same. The only change Tricare for Life users will see is a change in the reset date for deductibles and cap. Instead of October, the plan will reset in January just like all of the other Tricare plans starting in 2018.

Tricare has done a pretty decent job of notifying its beneficiaries of the changes and more information about changes to specific plans can be found on their website.

Now that you know how military retirees will be impacted by major changes from Tricare, what other questions do you have?

The New Blended Retirement System and What It Means for Your Service Member

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The new blended retirement system for service members went into effect on January 1, 2018. The blended retirement system takes the previous retirement program, known as the legacy retirement system and builds upon it.

Not all service members are eligible to participate in the new program and there are many factors to consider when deciding to switch.

Here are the key points of the blended retirement system to help you understand the new program.

What are the 2 retirement systems for service members?

Under the legacy retirement system, a service member is required to serve a minimum of 20 years to receive retirement pay. If they get out before then, they received nothing toward retirement. The military has realized that not many service members stay until the 20 year mark.

The new blended retirement system was created to allow all service members to leave with something toward retirement even if they do not stay in the service for a long period of time.

The new program blends the legacy retirement pension with a defined contribution that goes toward a service member’s Thrift Savings Plan (TSP). This is basically like combining the pension plan with a 401(k) type plan. The longer a service member stays in, the higher their pension will be. The blended retirement system also takes into account inflation and adjusts based on the annual cost of living adjustment.

The New Blended Retirement System and What It Means for Your Service Member

The new blended retirement system was created to allow all service members to leave with money toward retirement even if they do not stay in the service for 20 years.

Who is eligible?

Anyone entering the military from January 1, 2018, on will be automatically entered into the blended retirement system. All service members that are active as of December 31, 2017, are already in the legacy program and will remain in it. They will not be automatically switched to the new blended retirement system.

Service members with less than 12 years as well as Reserve with less than 4,320 retirement points as of December 31, 2017, have the option to switch to the blended retirement system. These service members have all of 2018 to make the decision to switch, but once the decision is made, it cannot be changed.

Those that do change to the blended retirement system will be required to take a mandatory opt-in course through Joint Knowledge Online or through Military OneSource.

Who is not eligible?

All service members with 12 years or more in service prior to December 31, 2017, are grandfathered into the legacy retirement system and remain in it. There is nothing in their retirement plan that will change. If you are in this category and would like to review the legacy system, you can see that here.

What are some benefits of the blended retirement system?

Should you opt into the new blended retirement system or stay with the legacy retirement? This mostly depends on how long you plan on staying in the military.

If you serve less than 20 years and are on the legacy system, then you won’t get a monthly annuity or government contributions to your TSP account when you get out. If you switch to the blended retirement system, then you will have money toward retirement.

Here are a few benefits to consider in the new program.

Contributions

Under the blended retirement system, the government will automatically contribute 1% to your retirement. Additionally, you can receive up to 4% in service matching contributions if you elect to put more toward your retirement. Automatic and matching contributions will end at 26 years of service.

New service members are not eligible for the up to 4% match until the start of the 25th month of service. They will however get the automatic 1% contribution after being enrolled for 60 days.

Portability

When you leave the service, you can have your TSP transferred to an IRA or to an eligible employer’s 401(k).

Bonus Pay

Service members can receive a one-time bonus pay by agreeing to serve more time. This is known as continuation pay and is payable between performing 8 and 12 years of service. The bonus pay could be between 2.5 and 13 times your regular pay based on the service-specific retention needs. If this bonus pay puts you in a higher tax bracket, you can opt to receive your bonus in 4 equal payments over 4 years instead.

Lump Sum

When you retire, you’ll have the option to take your retirement payment as a lump sum. That sum would be a discounted portion of the retirement pay however. You can choose to take 25% or 50% as a lump sum.

If you do not choose to do a lump sum, then you will receive your retirement check monthly.

As you can see, the new program has many benefits.

What questions do you have about the new blended retirement system?

Please Don’t Ask Me That!

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Without fail, at social gatherings or online, it will happen. Someone will ask a question and my face will kind of freeze into an awkward mask. It’s somewhere between a cringe, a fake smile and an eye roll.

I don’t mean to do that. It’s just, well, some questions are awkward and strange.

Please Don’t Ask Me That: The Strangest Questions I’ve Been Asked As a Military Spouse

(Full disclosure: I haven’t personally been asked all of these questions, but I’ve had friends who have been or have heard the rumors about certain questions in my decade as a military spouse.)

Can you make sure your next move will take you to (location near family)?

If we actually got to pick where we moved, I would be picking Hawaii or San Diego. Maybe somewhere in Europe or a tropical island, like Jamaica.

Unfortunately, we just get told where to go. Even when submitting a “wishlist” of next duty stations is possible, the chances of getting your top choice is laughable.

Will you be going to visit your spouse in (location near the front lines)?

I’ve heard that Afghanistan has some lovely hiking in the Hindu Kush. I, unfortunately, do not plan on visiting my combat deployed spouse while he is there. He’s mentioned something about rocket strikes and horrendous dust storms during the 5 static-filled minutes we talked via satellite phone 2 months ago.

(Spouse) is coming home soon! Will you be moving home?

I’m not sure you understand how this life works. It’s a job and we live where the job is. There is not a job in (hometown) for my spouse. So we’ll be staying at our current location until the military sends us somewhere else.

I’ve watched “Army Wives.” When are you going to become friends with the general’s wife?

Any question that tries to relate my military spouse life to the fun, but fictional, romp that is “Army Wives” will get extra eye rolls from me.

No, unless my spouse rises in the ranks to that level, Claudia Joy will never be my BFF. Instead, I’ll be socializing mainly with families in a similar status or rank to my own spouse. If I am invited to a social event with the higher-ups, it will be a more formal occasion. Pleasantries will be exchanged, but I probably won’t become besties with a general’s wife.

Please Don't Ask Me That: The Strangest Questions I've Been Asked As a Military Spouse

What’s the craziest thing that you’ve been asked as a military spouse or service member?

Why can’t I post the specific homecoming date and location or share exactly when and where my spouse will be deployed?

Let me explain it to you in 5 little letters: OPSEC. Operational Security. A handy way to remind yourself of this is “loose lips sink ships.” There are individuals online constantly looking for information about forward-deployed troops.

Posting information online or oversharing in any situation can cause these individuals to target units or locations for attacks. Sharing specific homecoming information can also invite these trolls to interrupt the safe return of troops.

Your best bet? If it doesn’t come from the public affairs officer or shop, don’t post it or share it.

I want to visit my spouse at their unaccompanied OCONUS duty station. Won’t the military pay for me to go there?

No. They won’t. Your spouse or significant other is unaccompanied and has a job to do overseas. They might get some time to head home mid-tour, but otherwise will be mainly at their OCONUS location.

If you want to visit, you’ll need to do it on your own dime. Or learn how to work the Space-A system.

My spouse is late coming home from work. Who should I call?

No one. Call no one. Calling the duty desk or his shop or his senior NCO or reporting officer is not a good idea. Instead, of just being late tonight, your spouse will be late every night for the foreseeable future. And they’ll enjoy endless teasing from everyone else in their shop forever.

Instead, proceed as usual at home and maybe set aside some dinner for reheating later.

You had a baby in Japan! Does he have dual citizenship?

OK, first: that would be super cool! Second: my baby is fully an American without any extra citizenships. The overseas bases have special privileges, which include making any children born there immediate American citizens.

Unfortunately, having a baby OCONUS does mean that registering the birth is a super long and pricier process than in the States.

He’s home (or leaving soon). Planning to get knocked up?

I mean, maybe? Anyone who has tried to conceive kind of knows that it is a crapshoot, at best. Honestly, my desire to have a baby and when and how is really none of  your business.

Your life seems so exciting! Can you give me your best tips so I can marry into the military too?

After I give you some fierce side-eye, I’ll calmly explain that this life was never my first plan. I fell in love with a guy who happened to be in the military. The end. I didn’t chase him down because of his dress blues or go out hunting for a dude with dog tags.

While there are awesome parts to military life, a lot of this is really hard. It’s not all fancy birthday balls and happy homecomings. This life is messy and hard and emotional and stressful.

But good luck with that!

What’s the craziest thing that you’ve been asked as a military spouse or service member? Post your funniest stories in the comments!

The Stigma of Mental Health and the Military Spouse

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Every little thing, from the endless crying of the baby to one dish being out of place, caused me to fly into a rage. When I wasn’t angry, I was deeply sad and sobbing. The walls felt like they were closing in and my chest felt tight. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t see a way out of the deep hole of depression.

It felt like I just couldn’t admit I was weak or that I needed help. I’d heard all of those saying about military spouses and strength. I was supposed to be the backbone of our family, keeping it all together when everything was falling apart.

Have you ever felt overwhelmed, out of sorts or just generally not yourself mentally and emotionally?

You are not alone. Approximately 30% of military spouses suffer from mental illness.

After I had my first child, I went deep into the postpartum depression rabbit hole. I didn’t want to upset the delicate balance of our lives, so I delayed seeking help until it was so severe I couldn’t function in my daily life.

Instead of talking about it, I drank much more than I should have. I used exercise to relieve stress obsessively. My weight and running times became unhealthy fixations. Most of all, I’m only just now, years later, realizing just how bad it was and how far I had gone. I’m so thankful I was able to claw my way out.

While I’m mostly “better” I will always struggle with mental health and I know that. I’m anxious about nonsense things or blow trivial matters out of proportion. Jumping to the worst possible scenario is pretty common for me in most challenging situations. I am painfully aware of what I say and how it could come across. There is a constant worry about how I might be perceived.

There is a stigma for military spouses struggling with mental health.

“How can that be? You’re literally telling the whole entire world about your struggles,” you might ask. You wouldn’t be wrong either.

But writing is different than in-person sharing. I’m hidden behind a screen and these words are typed not spoken.

The Stigma of Mental Health and the Military Spouse

Do you think there is a stigma around mental health struggles as a military spouse?

Military spouses who struggle with mental health often remain hidden. After all, we must be the backbone, the support system, for our whole family. We are the constant for our children who are often missing their other parent. Military spouses must handle everything that comes their way, mostly far from home and with an often-rotating support network of friends.

There is no fallback plan, no option for retreat. So most of us slog onward, dealing with our emotional battles in any way we can.

We self-medicate with alcohol and drugs. According to a recent study, almost 70% of military spouses had an alcoholic drink during a given month. Over 30% of those who drank were binge drinking. Others were smoking pot or using illegal drugs. Of course, some of these substances could have been used recreationally. But many military spouses drown their sorrows with a few glasses of wine or several beers every night.

You don’t want to talk about it or ask for help. There could be the perception of weakness or of taking needed resources away from deployable troops. Asking for help could draw unwanted attention or scrutiny to yourself, it could cause your service member to lose focus on the mission. Above all, you are supposed to be able to handle this.

There is no shame in asking for help.

I know this now. There are places to seek help readily available through “official” channels as well as completely confidential outlets.

A great place to start is with your chaplain or the Military Family Life Counselor (MFLC) assigned to your duty station or unit. Chaplains serve all members of the military community. There are religious leaders from all sects and faith backgrounds, Christian and non-Christian alike. If you are religious, starting here could be a positive first step.

MFLCs are available to all military service members and their dependents. There are MFLCs assigned to all bases, with many locations hosting multiple counselors. Contact your unit FRO to connect with your local MFLC. Your sessions are off the books completely. Literally, no notes can or will be taken at any time. There is no record of what you discuss or even that you have been counseled. Best of all, many MFLCs keep flexible hours and can meet you both on and off base.

Another option is to seek counseling services through Military OneSource. Simply call the hotline and ask to speak to a representative about mental health counseling. There are a few criteria in place in order to receive services, but they try their best to meet your needs.

I used this service in 2014 and 2015 for postpartum depression. I was able to see a therapist just a few blocks from my home during evening hours, which made it super convenient for me. Best of all, this was 100% cost-free.

For those who need something other than talk therapy, please seek help from a medical professional. If you use Tricare, your PCM can provide at least an initial diagnosis and treatment plan. Your doctor might refer you to a specialist or other medical professional to seek further treatment for your specific mental health concerns.

I also used this route. My PCM was quickly able to diagnose me with postpartum depression and prescribed me anti-depressants to help regulate my emotions.

I know now that true strength comes from seeking help when needed, and offering help to those in need. No matter who you see first, if you are suffering from mental illness, prolonged sadness, thoughts of self-harm or other mental health concerns, please seek help right away. There is no shame in asking for help.

Do you think there is a stigma around mental health struggles as a military spouse? Share your thoughts in the comments.

16 Professional Licensing Resources for Military Spouses

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Every 3 years, it’s the same song and dance — apply for a new professional license at a new duty station.

It means taking all new tests or attempting to have old tests transferred. I’m hunting down test scores and descriptions from 3 duty stations ago in a vain attempt to save the hundreds of dollars it will cost for a test assessment.

As professionally licensed military spouses move around the nation and the world, it pays off big time to have some help. Use these resources to help you get into a licensed career field, transfer your license or get a new credential.

16 Professional Licensing Resources for Military Spouses

How do you find out about licensing requirements when moving to a new duty station?

National Military Family Scholarships

Did you know that you can get a scholarship for your career? The National Military Family Association has scholarships available for military spouses who are looking to advance their careers. Whether you are going to school or need a little boost to get a credential, the NMFA is here. The scholarship application deadline is Jan. 15, 2018.

Licensing Guides

If you thought the NMFA was done at scholarships, think again! They have also put together handy guides for military spouses in nursing, teaching and the mental health fields. Each guide has a handy printable checklist as well as a longer explanation to help you navigate the road ahead.

CareerOneStop

Wondering about who to contact for licensing information at your next duty station? CareerOneStop should be your next stop.

Input your profession or career into the search box, then select your preferred state. A list of career choices should pop up. Click the one most similar to what you are looking for. The next page will give you further instructions and contact information.

For example, a search for teachers in Massachusetts brought us here: contact info for the state’s Department of Education licensing requirements.

Career and Education Counseling

Whether you are looking for information about going back to school yourself or need to find a tutor for your child, MilitaryOneSource has a solution to help. Education consultants can help busy military families find solutions to their education questions. Find out about scholarship opportunities, how to use MyCAA or where to turn to advance your career after a PCS.

Reciprocity Maps for Teachers

The ideal is to find a state that will accept your current professional license without a lot of insane hoops or redundant testing required.

USA4MilitaryFamilies is a great place to turn for information about teacher licensing reciprocity agreements directly impacting military spouses. Their interactive map helps to outline the agreements currently in place or being considered.

Getting advance notice about what might be required to transfer a professional credential can change how you prepare for your next PCS.

The National Association of State Directors of Teacher Education and Certification (NASDTEC) also has a map that shows which states might offer reciprocity for licensing. This website is specifically for teacher and education professionals.

For information about other professionals, MilitaryOneSource has compiled an inclusive list.

Facebook

The original online social network has been building military spouse communities for years! Now, there are even more opportunities to grow professionally.

Join a career specific Facebook group to find information about your particular profession. Or join something more general to learn about a variety of opportunities. Either way, you’ll be tapping into a vast network of experience and education. Check out this (probably not exhaustive) list:

How do you find out about licensing requirements when moving to a new duty station? Share your best advice or favorite resource in the comments.

How I Feel When Someone Thanks Me for My Service

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“Thank you for your service!”

I’m never quite sure how to reply to this. I know it’s meant with great sincerity. My friends, family and casual acquaintances do truly mean it from the bottom of their hearts. Deep down I know that they are trying to convey appreciation for all that I have sacrificed to be with the person I love most.

After all, I’ve pretty much walked away from a promising teaching career. We pull up stakes every few years and move to yet another far away location. While my children have only known the shortest of TDY separations, I’ve gutted it out for the full 12-month experience. All of this is a lot to ask and to accomplish with (hopefully) grace and selflessness.

I know that this is what is meant when I am thanked for my service. The person is acknowledging that I, too, am giving of myself and of our family in service to our country. Small pieces of me have been chipped away with each “see you later.”

How I Feel When Someone Thanks Me for My Service © LoloStock/Adobe Stock[/caption]

Other times, I know I am standing in for my absent spouse. Without him by my side, sharing gratitude for his service feels awkward. Especially when it is then incumbent upon me to pass that gratitude along. I mean, if I actually did that, I could be thanking him morning, noon and night some days!

Instead of expressing thanks to him alone, I am included. “Thank you both for your service and sacrifice.” Our sacrifice is collective.

However, it also rings untrue to me. My service? I didn’t even sacrifice a quarter of what my spouse and others have voluntarily given of themselves.

I endured a lengthy deployment, but I wasn’t in a foxhole or FOB. I wasn’t even in the barracks. Instead, I was on my very comfortable couch at home in SoCal, snuggling my pup. I didn’t need to wipe gritty sand from my eyes or check my boots for creepy desert critters. The worst I had to suffer through was a tough bout of strep throat and hogging the whole bed.

My career isn’t what it could be, should be or would be. But I have lived all over the country and even overseas. I get to explore other professional passion projects.

My sacrifice was simply going without the physical presence of my spouse. My service is to go where the military takes us, to grin and bear it. I volunteered to live life Semper Gumby.

“Thank you for your service.”

I know the intentions behind this statement are sincere. The person is showing their gratitude for my spouse’s service to me and through me. They are honoring the dedication of our whole family to a greater purpose. And I respect that. I want my spouse to be thanked and honored for his willingness to serve our nation.

While I have chosen a different path in life, one that has required me to “give up” opportunities and expectations I once held dear, I do not serve. I have never sworn the oath of allegiance to protect our great nation against “enemies foreign and domestic.” There is no proverbial blank check, with my signature, encompassing my willingness to put my life and limbs in the line of fire.

How should I respond when I am thanked for a service I have not completed? Usually, I simply say “Thank you” and move on.

Sometimes I reply with wit:

“Oh, you should thank my husband. I can’t do that many pull-ups!”

I do not serve. I simply love a person who made the commitment to do so.

Have you had a civilian thank you for your service as a military spouse? How did you respond?

The Myth of the Perfect Military Spouse

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It was one of those days.

You know, the days when nothing seemed to go right? My oldest had dumped a gigantic bag of beads in the middle of the living room floor for the second time that day. My youngest was way past nap time. I was dressed in my usual jeans and seen-better-days T-shirt, my hair was a mess, and I had less than 30 minutes until my husband was due to walk in the door.

My plan to be dressed, pressed, and waiting to sit down to a delicious home-cooked meal had gone out the door hours ago.

And it wasn’t the first time my list of to-dos or taking care of my children had eaten up my entire day.

I so wanted to be that military spouse who had the house cleaned and dinner neatly prepared when my soldier walked through the door.

The same daydream had me perfectly coiffed and dressed to impress. And every time I didn’t hit that goal of “perfect” spouse, I felt like a failure.

The Myth of the Perfect Military Spouse

If I couldn’t do it all when he was able to come home every night, what did that say about my abilities when he was deployed?

After all, he was doing all the hard work, putting on the uniform and training to be of service to our country. He needed a spouse capable of taking care of everything at home. If I couldn’t do it all when he was able to come home every night, what did that say about my abilities when he was deployed?

After a particularly stressful afternoon that had all of my kids recovering from temper tantrums and me in tears, a close friend stopped by for coffee. She was everything I wanted to be. She always looked great. Her house was always immaculate. And I’d never seen her stress about anything.

After confessing my feelings of inadequacy, she changed my entire world with just one sentence.

There is no such thing as a perfect military spouse.

What? How could that be? There were those, just like her, who always had it together. The spouse next door who always had his kids ready and at the bus stop on time. The commander’s wife who always made hosting company events look easy.

She repeated herself.

There’s no such thing as a perfect military spouse.

The look on my face must have confessed my disbelief. Over the next few minutes she confessed to a few cracks in what I thought was her perfect façade. I felt a little better, but I still wasn’t wholly convinced.

I begged her to share her secrets with me. How did she make it all look so easy? She just laughed and challenged me to change my way of thinking.

“So what if your house isn’t perfect? So what if macaroni and cheese is the best dinner you can muster? Those things are not required to make you worthy of love and respect. We each have our strengths. Be your best you and that’s good enough.”

I sat quietly and tried to take those words in. Was it possible to be the best me without being perfect? Could I be the strong, capable military spouse my soldier needed and not be good at everything?

The answer is yes.

My belief in that idea didn’t happen overnight. It took a lot of work and introspection. It took time to learn to quiet that inner voice that told me I was a failure and give the stage to the part of me that got up every day and did my best.

I am incredibly thankful I had a friend to intervene and set me straight.

And I hope, should you ever find yourself in a similar mindset that you remember:

There is no such thing as a perfect military spouse.

No matter who you are, where you are from or what you are struggling with, you are worthy of love and respect.

Even if it means that the dusting or vacuuming should have been done yesterday.

Even if it means that PB&J is what’s on the menu tonight.

Live every day with the intent to be the best possible you that you can.  The best you is more than good enough.

Are you trying to be the perfect military spouse?