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When Your Support Squad Moves Away

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I ran out of toilet paper. Actually, we didn’t have any toilet paper because we hadn’t even moved in yet. When I came knocking for a spare roll, she was happy to hand me one from her stash.

And then stepped in to help with child care duties when I got a stomach bug I just couldn’t shake.

When I was in the hospital for baby two, she was there again for sleepovers and dog walking.

For almost 18 months, we did everything together. Playdates and morning coffee and life.

Then the PCS orders came for her family, but not mine.

Now, my support squad is on another continent.

When Your Support Squad Moves Away From You

I tend to rely on just a few close friends at each duty station. When one of my besties moves away, there’s a big hole in my social and support networks.

When Your Support Squad PCSes, But You Don’t

Military spouses often build support networks with other spouses simply because it works the best in terms of stability. My kids’ school knows to call the emergency contacts right after they call me, just in case their dad is away.

Suddenly, I was adrift without my person. Yes, my spouse was still there with me, but he’s in and out for the most part.

My days were less full after she PCSed. No more morning spur-of-the-moment coffee dates or afternoons spent watching the kids play. I couldn’t run across the street for sugar or to grab dinner with when the guys were gone. She was a world away from me.

It’s OK to Grieve

Military spouses are used to change. It’s practically our middle name! Between deployments and PCSing and weird TDY schedules, our lives are in flux. But no matter where we live, we build our support networks to help keep our sanity.

When your friend PCSes while you stay behind, you’re losing a piece of your life. Things are going to change drastically, even though it seems like everything will be remaining the same.

It’s OK to grieve. Give yourself permission to feel sad, to withdraw or to be upset at the military powers that be.

Rebuild Your Network

I tend to rely on just a few close friends at each duty station. It’s easier for me to manage emotionally than a constantly rotating crew. When one of my besties moves away, there’s a big hole in my social and support networks.

Even though I’m missing my pal, I know that it’s important to keep in touch with the other folks in my circle. They might also be missing your PCSed friend too.

Reach out to your local friends and put some events on your calendars. Getting out there and connecting with friends can help you to feel better! Plus, you’ll remind yourself that your support network does still exist. You’ve got people to turn to where you are, even if you forgot about it for a minute.

If you’re truly flying solo, it’s time to make new connections. One great way to find new friends is to connect through your unit’s family readiness group or social activities. Find a group, like Stroller Warriors or religious study or PTO, to join. You’ll find like-minded individuals who might be looking for their “person” too!

Stay in Touch

Remember, your friend is still out there, even though you’re not co-located anymore. While they can’t handle daycare pickup or meet you for lunch, you can still find support from each other.

Our social media world offers us the chance to connect virtually around the world! Share photos, send messages and video chat as often as you can. You can still share a cup of tea over Skype or gripe about the latest visit from Deployment Murphy.

Old-fashioned snail mail is another great way to stay connected. Build care packages to send for special occasions or just whenever the mood strikes. Fill a box or big envelope with letters, local treats and thoughtful gifts that will bring a smile to your friend’s face.

Whenever possible arrange a visit to their new location. You’ll be able to score some amazing face time and explore a new place at the same time. You could make it a girls weekend and leave the kids at home. Or bring the whole family for a giant reunion!

It’s a Small Military

Depending on your branch of service or your spouse’s job, there is a strong chance that you might end up stationed together again!

Many military families keep rotating between the same few duty stations over the course of a career. While you may be separated now, you could end up just down the street or a town apart after the next move.

Even if you don’t end up neighbors quite so soon, you might find mutual friends after your next move. Building new friendships based on your older ones is a great way to expand your circle.

Do you have any tips for building a support network after a close friend moves away? Share your experiences in the comments!

I Crossed the Unwritten Officer and Enlisted Friendship Line

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I joined the military spouse ranks at the end of an era. Which specific era, you might wonder? Well, the end of the blatant separation of spouses into “officer” and “enlisted.”

When my husband was wrapping up his stint at initial training, all of us wives (and it was only wives) were herded into an auditorium and given the rundown on life as a USMC spouse. We learned the ropes from a seasoned spouse and were handed a copy of Parade Rest.

We were lectured about protocol and decorum. I, the dependent spouse, was a direct reflection on my husband and his career. My behavior needed to be impeccable at all times. The correct place settings and seating arrangements for every possible formal and informal dinner party was reviewed in my new book.

Oh, and the rules against officer and enlisted fraternization were reviewed. But I didn’t really pay close attention to that part of the seminar. I guess it covered spouses, too. I mean, it must have, based on how other newly minted military spouses were acting.

I crossed the unwritten officer and enlisted friendship line.

And I don’t care. Because that line isn’t a real thing. It’s something that someone way back in the “good old days” created.

Some of the friends that I do life best with happen to be on the “other side” of that line.

The whole rank thing came up once at the beginning of each friendship. And then it was done.

No one blinked.

No one flinched.

Our spouses’ ranks aren’t even discussed, except for a hearty congratulations when someone gets promoted.

I Crossed the Unwritten Officer and Enlisted Friendship Line

We’re all just spouses. By “just” I really mean without the officer or enlisted caveat attached.

I have just a few criteria for my friends. First, be kind to my kids, but don’t be afraid to make them toe the line.

Also, it would be nice to enjoy a few similar hobbies. I’m into true crime, running, reading, writing and being salty about military life.

Finally, I like to have adventures and try new things.

Can you hang with that? Great! You’re in.

This attitude is becoming more and more the norm of military life and friendship among spouses.

The atmosphere has changed slowly over the last decade or so. I’m so glad that it has too. It makes everything much nicer and friendlier. Having an “all-hands” spouses club unites all of us for the good and, honestly, the food.

It wasn’t always like this, even in the very recent past.

I remember overhearing troubling conversations as a young(er) spouse. Harsh, untrue stereotypes were repeated. Some folks thought they could “just tell” what rank someone’s spouse wore based on their accent, clothing, number of children or perceived education level.

When I volunteered in the family readiness group at our first duty station, a few spouses liked to throw down rank very obviously. As if it made a difference to who got the last word.

Related: 10 Situations that Hurt a MilSpouse Friendship

One of my friends from that experience happened to be married to an enlisted Marine. After all the nonsense at my military spouse indoctrination, I was nervous about venturing into this friendship. I didn’t want to create a situation. I hesitated to connect on Facebook. I paused before socializing outside of unit events.

Then my husband set me straight.

We’re all just spouses.

By “just” I really mean without the officer or enlisted caveat attached. At the end of the day, we married the person our hearts connected to the most.

It wasn’t because of what was on their collars, but because of who they are as a human.

Although, if we’re being honest, how they look in dress uniform might have played a role in the process.

Breaking through that invisible O/E friendship barrier was the best thing I’ve done as a spouse. When I decided to stop listening to the stereotypes and the unwritten rules, I gained a whole lot of love, light and laughter.

I’ve got a whole army of amazing friends that I know I can call on, day or night, for anything. Whatever our spouses do, we’ve got each other. And to be honest, none of us are really 100% sure what our active duty other half does some days.

We’re all in this together, all of us military spouses. We are all just trying to get through this wild ride, with our sanity mostly intact. So cross that “line” if you spot a kindred spirit. It will be so worth it.

We want to hear from you! Tell us what “rules” you’ve proudly broken as a military spouse!

The Myth of the Perfect Military Spouse

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It was one of those days.

You know, the days when nothing seemed to go right? My oldest had dumped a gigantic bag of beads in the middle of the living room floor for the second time that day. My youngest was way past nap time. I was dressed in my usual jeans and seen-better-days T-shirt, my hair was a mess, and I had less than 30 minutes until my husband was due to walk in the door.

My plan to be dressed, pressed, and waiting to sit down to a delicious home-cooked meal had gone out the door hours ago.

And it wasn’t the first time my list of to-dos or taking care of my children had eaten up my entire day.

I so wanted to be that military spouse who had the house cleaned and dinner neatly prepared when my soldier walked through the door.

The same daydream had me perfectly coiffed and dressed to impress. And every time I didn’t hit that goal of “perfect” spouse, I felt like a failure.

The Myth of the Perfect Military Spouse

If I couldn’t do it all when he was able to come home every night, what did that say about my abilities when he was deployed?

After all, he was doing all the hard work, putting on the uniform and training to be of service to our country. He needed a spouse capable of taking care of everything at home. If I couldn’t do it all when he was able to come home every night, what did that say about my abilities when he was deployed?

After a particularly stressful afternoon that had all of my kids recovering from temper tantrums and me in tears, a close friend stopped by for coffee. She was everything I wanted to be. She always looked great. Her house was always immaculate. And I’d never seen her stress about anything.

After confessing my feelings of inadequacy, she changed my entire world with just one sentence.

There is no such thing as a perfect military spouse.

What? How could that be? There were those, just like her, who always had it together. The spouse next door who always had his kids ready and at the bus stop on time. The commander’s wife who always made hosting company events look easy.

She repeated herself.

There’s no such thing as a perfect military spouse.

The look on my face must have confessed my disbelief. Over the next few minutes she confessed to a few cracks in what I thought was her perfect façade. I felt a little better, but I still wasn’t wholly convinced.

I begged her to share her secrets with me. How did she make it all look so easy? She just laughed and challenged me to change my way of thinking.

“So what if your house isn’t perfect? So what if macaroni and cheese is the best dinner you can muster? Those things are not required to make you worthy of love and respect. We each have our strengths. Be your best you and that’s good enough.”

I sat quietly and tried to take those words in. Was it possible to be the best me without being perfect? Could I be the strong, capable military spouse my soldier needed and not be good at everything?

The answer is yes.

My belief in that idea didn’t happen overnight. It took a lot of work and introspection. It took time to learn to quiet that inner voice that told me I was a failure and give the stage to the part of me that got up every day and did my best.

I am incredibly thankful I had a friend to intervene and set me straight.

And I hope, should you ever find yourself in a similar mindset that you remember:

There is no such thing as a perfect military spouse.

No matter who you are, where you are from or what you are struggling with, you are worthy of love and respect.

Even if it means that the dusting or vacuuming should have been done yesterday.

Even if it means that PB&J is what’s on the menu tonight.

Live every day with the intent to be the best possible you that you can.  The best you is more than good enough.

Are you trying to be the perfect military spouse?

7 Tips from a Military Spouse to Her Younger Self

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I won’t say I’m old, but if there was a miracle pill to knock a couple of years off, I’d be interested.

For all of my fears and frustrations about getting older, I know I have earned every gray hair, every fine line. They tell the story of a life that, while it’s had its ups and downs, I really can’t complain about it too much.

But as I watch my oldest child begin to figure out her place in the world and prepare to move out on her own, it got me thinking about myself at her age.

If given the chance what would I want my younger military spouse self to know? What imparting wisdom could I dish out to help make my future just a bit better?

Here’s what I came up with:

7 Tips from a Military Spouse to Her Younger Self

If given the chance what would I want my younger military spouse self to know?

7 Tips from a Military Spouse to Her Younger Self

Attend College

Less than half of American adults have a college degree. I was part of the majority without one until just a couple of years ago.

While a college degree won’t solve every problem, it can open doors and help with career advancement and employment.

Many military spouses already have a degree or some form of formal training before they become military spouses, which is amazing!  But don’t stop learning. If you’re like me and on the 20+ year plan or you are looking for a second or advanced degree, utilize the resources the military community has to offer.

Programs like MyCAA can help junior enlisted and officer spouses to obtain or continue pursuit of a degree. There are scholarships only available to military dependents and there are a great many programs and universities who offer discounted rates to military spouses.

Get your college degree – it will pay off in so many ways.

Find Your Passion

As you move from place to place, a passion or hobby can make wherever you are stationed feel like home.

A passion gives you something to occupy your time when your spouse is fighting in parts unknown.

A passion gives you something to look forward to when those horrible-terrible-no-good-very-bad days rear their ugly heads.

And your passion just might be the icebreaker you need to make new friends who share a similar interest or who are interested in learning.

Learn to Budget/Schedule/Plan

Mind-numbing waiting at the doctor’s office, empty bank accounts and frantic searches for missing berets or boots at zero dark-thirty can all be avoided with some forethought.

If creating spending plans (and sticking to them) or developing schedules and plans doesn’t come naturally to you, buy a book, or take a class or print off one of the million or so examples on Pinterest.

Get good at being organized. It will pay off a thousand-fold in both your finances and sanity.

Pick Your Friends Wisely

It is all too easy to latch onto an unhealthy friendship when you feel out of place or lonely. But, sometimes those friendships born of low-hanging fruit can do more harm than good.

Put in the effort to build real friendships that last. Don’t write people off because of appearances or even first impressions.

Hint: real friendships don’t equal drama, drama, drama!

Save for a Rainy Day

Before you know it, you’ll be looking at retirement.

Or the need for a new car.

Or the desire to buy a house.

Or the desire to have a baby (or two or three!).

This lesson isn’t really military spouse specific, but it is one I wish I had learned much sooner.

Always, always, always, pay yourself first. Even if it’s just $10 a paycheck, get into the habit of putting money away. Your future self with thank you, trust me.

Buy Smart and Don’t Buy on Credit

Hand in hand with saving, be smart about your money. If you can at all avoid it, skip using credit cards for anything other than emergencies.

That $500 want-it-now purchase suddenly turns into a $1,000 burden when you add in all the interest.

Be patient and save until you can afford to pay cash for what you need.

At the same time, don’t deprive yourself of things. Go back to the lesson about budgeting and figure out a way to be smart about what you buy.

Enjoy and Experience

Don’t let the experience of being a military spouse pass you by without taking time to enjoy it.

While the challenges are difficult and never-ending, the benefits and experiences this life has to offer are second to none. See the world, taste the food, take pictures. Meet people, try new things, explore.

Learn to laugh at mistakes, empathize with your neighbor and trust that your presence in every place and moment has a purpose and a reason.

What advice would you give to your younger self? Share it in the comment section.

Are You an Introvert and a Military Spouse? You’re Not Alone

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Yet another mandatory family fun day and you’re feeling like it will be anything but fun. All those people that you just don’t know, loud music and friendly banter.

It sounds like a recipe for a terrible day for an introvert.

This is also the stereotypical picture of what it means to be a military spouse. Given how much we move, it can often seem like the best, and often only, way to make friends is to join in these large, loud events. Or to just show up with baked goods whenever a new neighbor moves in.

Are You an Introvert and a Military Spouse?

When you are an introvert, the social events and FRG meetings of military life may seem overwhelming.

Here are ways to find friends and socialize when you’re a military spouse who’s an introvert.

Find Your Peeps Online

Military spouse networks are popping up like daisies online! From blogs to Facebook to Instagram, there are so many fun people and groups to join or follow.

First, check out your base-specific Facebook groups. Sometimes these are secret or closed, and you may need to be approved by an admin. However, these groups can help you to navigate your duty station or to make new friends. From school and restaurant recommendations to the dish on what all those sirens were, base groups will give you all the information.

Next, check out blogs and pages that are service specific. For new spouses, you can learn a lot about traditions and customs. “Seasoned” spouses can share knowledge and help others. Everyone can get info on different duty stations or events, and even job opportunities!

Beyond branch of service and duty stations, there are Facebook groups for professional military spouses, spouses who blog, spouses who are attorneys and spouses who (fill in the blank). There are also tons of blogs covering all aspects of military life, from helping parents with K-12 education to parenting to everyday military life. Check it out!

Connect Offline Too

Once you join a few online groups, try to keep track of other people that have similar interests or that you have interacted with. You could both be commenting on the same posts, asking the same questions or live in the same neighborhood.

Send a private message to someone that you think might be a good friend for you. Chat online until you (or your friend) feel comfortable bringing up meeting in real life. Get together for coffee or go do something that both of you enjoy. It could be anything from cosplay to riding horses to sitting on the beach.

Use Friends to Make Friends

Once you have a core group of friends at your current duty station, try to find new friends through them. It’s a small world in the military. Chances are good that your friends will know at least one person at your next hometown. When you get orders, ask your IRL or online friends to help you make connections.

Or your friends might be able to expand your friendship circle where you already live. Take a chance and invite a friend of a friend to join you for coffee or drinks.

If you have kids, you can even use them to make new connections. Reach out to the parents of a good friend of your own child and schedule a play date or playground meet-up. A play date will have a specific end time, and you can get to know the other parent(s) over coffee at home.

Playgrounds are neutral territory and you can make an easy exit if things aren’t going well.

Alternately, you could keep the fun going or schedule another get together easily.

Check Out Specialty Groups

What do you like? Check online and on base for like-minded groups. There are groups for runners, bloggers, people of all religious faiths, book clubs and the list goes on.

You could connect online at first and then check out a group meet-up later.

Getting to know other people who share your interests can help you to connect with the military and civilian population. Plus, there will likely be similar groups at many bases. When you move, reach out to the local chapter of your group. You’ll be able to make friends more quickly and easily!

Socialize on Your Terms

Sometimes typical military spouse tasks are unavoidable, but you can make them your own. Try to volunteer or participate on your terms.

Offer to help with the children’s corner, organize donated items or bring items for a potluck. You’ll be helping out the unit and meeting new people, just in smaller doses. You never know if you might bond over sharing apple pie recipes or figuring out the best way to get care packages to deployed troops for the holidays!

Take a Break

Being an introvert, you value your alone time. Honor your needs and take a break when you need one. You could duck outside at a party or take a walk during a family fun day. Plus, it is not unusual at all for people to use their smartphones, so don’t hesitate to escape into Facebook for a little while.

If you simply don’t want to take on a task or attend an event, decline graciously or suggest an alternative. You shouldn’t be afraid to say no!

No matter how you choose to make friends, having a strong support network can be key to making the most of military life!

Are you an introvert? How do you find friends as a military spouse?

How to Host a Friendsgiving

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Celebrating Thanksgiving with friends (in lieu of or in addition to family) has become a modern tradition. And while it hardly seems like a new idea for those of us who have spent countless holidays away from home, Friendsgiving is fast becoming a tradition in its own right.

In the same way the Pilgrims gave thanks for the community and feast shared by their Native American neighbors, so should we continue that tradition with those who act as our support system when we find ourselves far from home on Thanksgiving Day.

And in the same way our relationships with friends differ from those with family, Friendsgiving isn’t bound to just one way of doing things.

How to Host a Friendsgiving

Friendsgiving is about enjoying the bounty of friendship.

Here are 6 tips for hosting your own Friendsgiving.

Pick a Date that Works for You and Your Friends

Traditionally, Thanksgiving is the fourth Thursday in November, but feel free to adjust that date if it makes sense for you and your guests. If it’s too hard to make it happen during the week, consider the Saturday after Thanksgiving. Or if some of your besties are headed home for the holiday, consider the weekend before.

This celebration is about giving thanks for those in your life who help to lift you up and support you. And if gathering all those folks together can only happen on a Sunday afternoon, then so be it.

Decide on a Dinner Theme

When most of us think of Thanksgiving, we envision roasted turkey, mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie. And honestly, you can’t go wrong with this time-tested menu.

But if turkey is not your thing, then feel free to get creative.

Want to do a take-out only dinner?

Want everything to be bite-sized or finger foods?

Want to fire up the fondue pot?

Friendsgiving should include a good meal, but what that meal entails is up to you.

Invite Your Friends

Try to give your guests as much notice as possible so they can plan ahead.

One of the best parts of Friendsgiving is that everyone brings a dish to share, much like those who attended the first Thanksgiving.

Be sure your invitation includes the date, time and location. Be clear about what you want everyone to bring to this meal. Online invites like Evite can make it easier to keep track of who is bringing what. Lest you end up with a turkey, 10 bowls of mashed potatoes and no gravy.

If You’re the the Host, Work to Minimize Your Stress

As the host of a Friendsgiving, your goal is to make sure everyone feels welcomed and is well fed. Depending on the size of your invite list, you may need to buy or borrow extra place settings, serving plates and utensils, or even chairs. Try to think ahead to make sure you have everything you’ll need on the day of the event. You’ll minimize your stress and be able to relax and enjoy the day.

You should also plan to provide the main course for the meal. If you’re going the traditional route, that means the turkey. If roasting an entire bird scares you, consider just a turkey breast or two. You may want to order it from the deli at your local grocery store.

Friendsgiving is about enjoying the bounty of friendship, not about slaving in the kitchen.

If basting the bird until it’s golden brown is your thing, then have at it. If you’re better at eating turkey than cooking it, then do what works for you.

Oh, and make sure you have extra foil, plastic wrap, paper plates, and storage/bags containers so you can send folks home with leftovers when the meal is done.

If You’re the Guest, Offer to Help

As an invited guest at a Friendsgiving celebration, make sure you take the time to RSVP. Even if you can’t attend, let your host know so they don’t plan for 10 only to have 2 show up.

If you do plan on attending, make sure you check with the host to find out what you can bring or how you can help. A bottle of wine  is also a great host/hostess gift. Plus, a little bit of wine or a good craft beer never goes unappreciated among friends.

When the meal is done, don’t be a lump. Help your host clean up so they can enjoy the post-turkey celebration with you.

Count Your Blessings

Eat, drink, be merry, and take a moment to really appreciate the amazing friends you have in your life. Pictures are a given, so consider tasking someone with capturing photos of the day.

The tradition of sharing what you are thankful is a wonderful idea for dinner conversation starters. And no Friendsgiving meal would be complete without a toast to your friendship and the blessings those connections give you.

Have you ever hosted a Friendsgiving for Thanksgiving? Share your story on the MilitaryShoppers Facebook page.

Why I Need a New Best Friend at Every Duty Station

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“It takes a village to raise a child.”

While I wholeheartedly agree with that statement, I also think that we can just drop the whole “to raise a child” bit. For me, it just takes a village. By village, I mean friends. Especially a best friend.

Why I Need a New Best Friend at Every Duty Station

Finding a new best friend at every duty station is tough, but it’s so worth it!

Yes, we all have that one best best friend. The guy or gal who knows all of your secrets since the beginning of time. Who has been with you through the best and worst of times.

As military spouses, we can also benefit from having a best friend at each duty station.

It’s so comforting to have someone that gets you. When your spouse is gone or working late, it’s nice to have someone to explore your new location with. It’s great for trying out all those cutesy cafes, wandering around historic districts and even watching that rom-com for the millionth time.

Finding that best friend over and over and over again is just plain hard though!

First you have to put yourself out there in a serious way. It means meeting the neighbors, mingling with other military spouses in the new unit and trying out new clubs or groups.

Then you have to follow-up. Send texts, become Facebook friends or send out smoke signals. Sometimes, even that isn’t enough.

After you find a friend, then begins the vetting process to determine best friend potential. You need to dig into shared interests, common agreements about life and a joint love of wacky jokes (or whatever your thing might be).

If it’s not a good match, you’re stuck starting over again!

Sometimes, finding a new best friend can seem like climbing Everest: worthwhile, but a battle to accomplish. Just doing this a few times in a lifetime is unbelievably hard. Finding a new best friend every 3 years, or less, can seem nearly insurmountable! It’s almost enough to want to give up on the whole idea of a bestie and just stick to casual acquaintances.

You still have people to hang with, but without all the stress of being joined at the hip. Or having to “replace” your friend when one of you moves.

It’s tough finding a new best friend, yes, but it is so worth it!

Your new best friend could be where you least expect. I’ve found best friends while running, in my spouse’s office and through friends. She or he could be the person right across the street!

Part of finding a new best friend is going to involve putting yourself out there, yes. So many friend-finding opportunities are just part of the military life!

Mandatory fun days, pre-deployment briefs and living on-base are all chances to bump into someone who could be your PERSON.

Before you know it, you are swapping salty military spouse stories, sharing recipes and are inseparable.

There are also other great ways to find your next best friend. Check out a local fitness meet-up, like Stroller Warriors or a cross-fit box.

If you are religious, seek out a church, temple or Bible study in your neck of the woods.

When you come with youngsters, find a preschool support group like MOPS or a gym with a child care co-op program.

For those heading to work, your new pal could be your desk mate or office neighbor.

No matter how you found your new best friend, having one is important.

When the going gets tough, military spouses need someone to rely on. With our spouses gone often, or mostly in-and-out, a best friend becomes the person I rely on.

When I’m sick, she brings me medicine or chicken soup or takes the kids for the afternoon. We swap date night child care duties or have weekly dinner/play dates when the guys are gone. If the car breaks down, I know I have someone to call from the mechanic. I always have a dinner partner when cookie dough a la tube is on the menu too.

It’s why I need to have a best friend at every duty station.

I need a village to help get me through the tough times and to celebrate the best times. My best friends, no matter where I am or where they are, have helped me to survive and thrive in this military life.

How did you find your best friend at your current duty station?

10 Situations that Hurt a MilSpouse Friendship

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Have you ever had a friendship with a military spouse end? It hurts. Sometimes it is something you have done that you feel terrible about. Other times it is something someone else has done. Sometimes the death of the friendship is just circumstances and the way things have to be.

Here are 10 situations that can kill a military spouse friendship and how to avoid them.

10 Situations that Can Kill a Military Spouse Friendship (And How to Avoid Them)

What do you find are the factors that may end a friendship among military spouses?

1. Being Friends with the Commanding Officer’s Wife

We always say that rank shouldn’t matter among military spouses, however, in some cases it does. Can you really be friends with the commanding officer’s wife?

When I was in Germany meeting the high-ranking officers’ wives was easy to do because of how small the post was. I made friends with them but not in the same way I could have been friends with other spouses. There is a little bit of a line there. Sometimes a friendship can die out because you just can’t take things any further because of rank.

On the other hand, if military spouses know where that line is, you can still be friends and learn a lot from one another.

2. Being Friends with Your Neighbors

Making friends with your neighbors makes sense. Doing so means you have people that live near you that you can depend on.

However, if something comes up in the neighborhood, the situation can kill a friendship.

I have seen this happen quite a few times. The best thing to do is always be a good neighbor, don’t cause drama with other military spouses and remember that everyone should be treated with respect.

3. Too Much Gossip

I know I am guilty of gossip, we all are. Nothing will kill a friendship faster than hearing that your friend is talking bad about you. Hearing that hurts your soul and makes you feel like your friendship wasn’t real to begin with. Try to stop gossiping yourself and be a better friend than that.

4. Moving

This one is hard. A friend moves away – like military spouses always do – and life isn’t the same anymore. The friendship changes and for some the friendship dies. In my experience, when a friend moves away, in order to keep the friendship alive both people have to try to keep up communicating with each other. If one of the friends doesn’t do that the friendship will die.

5. Your Children Don’t Get Along

You might have a friend who is perfect for you but things can fall apart if your kids don’t get along. Military spouses spend a lot of time hanging out together with their kids. If there is trouble there, the friendship might not be able to last. In some cases there isn’t much you can do about this other than getting together without the kids.

6. Your Spouses Don’t Get Along

Just like with the children, sometimes friendships fall apart when spouses don’t get along. Everything might be fine during a deployment but once the spouses return things can get a little tense and getting together might be more difficult. This is a hard place to be in. You would have to just hang out without your spouses around.

7. Becoming Too Busy

Sometimes two military spouses can be friends, get together often and then one or both of them become busy. This can cause the friendship to fall apart. One of the friends might be wanting to get together and the other doesn’t have time anymore. If you feel like you are too busy all of a sudden, still try to make plans with your friends. You don’t want to lose them because of how busy you are.

8. One Deploys, One Does Not

Military spouses can be friends going through military life together when one of their spouses deploys and everything changes. This doesn’t always have to be the case but sometimes jealousy can take over and the friend with the deployed spouse might try to fade away.

The best thing to do is to understand that your friend could be hurting because their spouse is gone and yours is not.

9. Leaving People Out

I have been in situations where we had a group of friends and then people split up. They decided to get together and leave others out. Try not to leave people out on purpose if it’s possible to include them in your get-togethers. Not all military spouses have to be invited everywhere but if you suddenly stop inviting people when you used to do so, they are going to notice.

10. Having a Baby

If two military spouses were friends for a while and then one has a baby, the friendship can change and even die. This happens because the one that had the baby is now in a different stage of life. In order to avoid this both friends need to understand the change and embrace it.

What do you find are the factors that may end a friendship among military spouses?

Lonely? Find Friendships at Every Duty Station

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Tips for Military Spouses to Make Friends at a New Duty Station

Let your children take the lead when it comes to finding new friends.

With military life comes a lot of moving. That means saying goodbye to friends and making new ones. This is a hard part of the military lifestyle. Finding new friends when you are the new one in town can be quite difficult.

If you have just moved into your new neighborhood, you might get lucky and have new neighbors come to your house and say hello. New neighbors can make the best friends. It is great when you are able to meet and click with them right away. But what happens if …

No one comes to your house to say hello?

Every one in your circle of friends, except you, gets orders to new duty station?

You are feeling lonely in your new home?

I have met friends at all types of places. From swim lessons for my kids to Bible studies. Sometimes it is just a matter of being brave and reaching out. Other times it is just a matter of being in the right place at the right time.

Here are the top 4 places to find friendships at your new duty station.

Local Playground

If you have kids, take them to the park. You will most likely run into other parents and children who live near there. Be brave and strike up a conversation. If your kids hit it off, make plans to get together again. If you don’t meet anyone new at the park, at least your kids had a good time.

Facebook Group

Another option is to join a local Facebook group and go to one of the events. It might feel weird to go some place new when you don’t know anyone but it will be worth it.

Simply Say Hi: Tips for MilSpouses to Find Friendships in New Neighborhoods

Feeling lonely? Be brave and leave your house to meet new friends.

 

Your Neighborhood

If you are feeling brave, you can always go up to your new neighbors and say hello. One idea is to ask them a question about your new city. Something like, “Can you tell me the best place to get Chinese food?” can be a way to break the ice and strike up a conversation.

Sometimes it is just a matter of being brave. Other times it is just a matter of being in the right place at the right time.

Photography Class, Bunco or CrossFit

When you are new to a duty station, the best way to find friends is to do is find events or classes that look fun and go to them. You are bound to make friends if you do that.

Where do you find friends when you are the new one in town?