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Is Technology Killing the Romance of Deployments?

09/12/2018 By Amanda Marksmeier

Romance is dead!

Technology killed it.

Is Technology Killing the Romance of Deployments?

I miss the low-tech deployments. My husband and I would write each other letters and it was a treat to talk on the phone for 15 minutes.

Gone are the days when people gradually got to know one and another one date at a time. The slow and steady pace of forming a serious relationship has been replaced by search engines, dating apps and social media.

The death of romance is evident in the evolution of technology during deployments.

Before you all start leaving passionate comments about how technology is the source of all romance in your relationships, please hear my experience (which by no means is a reflection or condemnation on your relationship).

Technology Has Invaded Our Deployments

Technology has invaded every aspect of our lives. It is in our cars, homes and schools. We can monitor pets through video, turn lights on and off with a simple command and even adjust the room’s temperature from the comfort of our beds. I admit these are conveniences I enjoy, but I believe technology has made us less connected and allowed us to be less engaged with one another.

During my husband’s first deployment, more than 10 years ago, we would write letters, usually describing our day but mostly expressing our love, our hopes for the future and dreams of our reunion.

Occasionally we were able to speak on the phone. This was a special gift usually delivered in pre-dawn hours. Our calls would only last 15 minutes (if we were lucky) then the operator would break in to inform us our time was limited, in those days I came to hate her.

My husband would wait in line for hours after pulling 24-hour duty for a 15-minute conversation. That dedication, my friends, is romance.

Skype, FaceTime and Facebook Live were not yet invented so the only image of your spouse would be in your thoughts, unless you were lucky enough to catch a glimpse of him in the unit’s newsletter. I can remember holding tight to pictures, trying desperately to remember his face, his eyes and his smile.

I Hoped I Would Recognize Him at His Homecoming

Anticipation for the moment we would lay eyes on each other for the first time in a year would build as the deployment days counted down.

I will never forget our reunions in those early days. Standing on a parade field, feeling my heart pound out of my chest. The buses came rolling by, my breathe trapped in my lungs.

The moment of our homecoming had come.

The band began to play as hundreds of soldiers marching through the trees.

Tears welled in my eyes.

Pride swelled my heart.

I stood for what seemed like hours, searching for his face, hoping I would recognize him after such a long time apart. Then like a fairytale, there he was standing before me, and just like that all was complete in my world.

I Miss the Letter-Writing Deployments When I Believe We Were Truly Able to Miss Each Other

Don’t misunderstand, I appreciate technology. I appreciate the ability to call or text my spouse when I need him, like when I feel defeated by our lawn equipment.

Is Technology Killing the Romance of Deployments?

I believe that technology is killing the romance of deployments.

I appreciate the opportunity for him to watch his children grow even when he’s far away.

But I do miss the low-tech days, when I believe we were truly able to miss each other, to go days, weeks and even months without contact. This time allowed us to appreciate the time we do get together and not take a moment of it for granted.

To this day, we still write letters when my husband is deployed and have only Skyped a few times during a deployment.

I know that seems crazy to most military couples, but it has worked for us for over 15 years.

Do you think technology has helped or harmed romance?

Can We Stop with the Ball Gown Shaming Already?

09/03/2018 By Meg Flanagan

Now look, I consider myself a pretty classy lady. I mostly prefer to dress teacher-chic, with twin sets, khakis and pearls. I’ve never in my life wondered whether I was wearing the correct outfit for an event.

Until I was dragged kicking and screaming into the cutthroat world of military ball gown shaming.

Can We Stop with the Ball Gown Shaming Already?

Can We Stop with the Ball Gown Shaming Already?

I’ve seen military spouses post pictures of their potential dresses on Facebook, only to have their selections obliterated with nasty comments.

Every year around this time, I start to see the social media posts about ball gowns. Many of them are pretty tame. In fact, one of my favorite threads recently has been a snarky post encouraging people to share the most out of control formal wear available on Amazon.

Inevitably, a bright-eyed, new military wife (yes, wife, because women are the only ones subjected to ball gown shaming) asks about what she should wear to a military birthday ball.

Then the floodgates open and the tsunami of ball gown opinions are unleashed.

“You should only ever wear a complimentary color to your spouse’s uniform.”

“Your gown must be floor length.”

“Watch those slits and low backs, ladies.”

I get it. You’re all trying to be helpful, passing on your experience. And a lot of these comments can help the new girl on the block find a dress.

Somewhere along the way, it seems like these conversations, real or virtual, take a turn to Judgement Town.

Who gave you permission to judge a person by what she wears?

I mean seriously, I’d like to know. Is there a certification process? Did the commandant personally appoint you as Marine Corps Ball Dress Code Monitor? Because I’d like to see your official badge.

I’ve seen military spouses post pictures of their potential dresses on Facebook, only to have their selections obliterated with nasty comments.

There are several different versions of the “classy, not trashy” ball gown post floating around. It usually has this type of headline “5 easy tips to not embarrass your service member at their ball!”

I get that a military ball is meant to be a super formal, very fancy event.

But can we stop for a moment and consider that most women are really dressing for two reasons? First, they want to look nice in a way that they feel good about. Second, they want to be even just slightly comfortable.

Not everyone sees beauty or fashion in the same way. If everyone saw things my way, high-waisted pants would never have made a comeback. We’d all be wearing super basic and comfortable pieces in easy to mix-and-match colors.

One woman might feel really beautiful and glamorous in a floor-length gown with cap sleeves. Another lady might feel equally beautiful in a bodycon dress that hits just below her knees.

It’s not your call to dictate how another woman feels beautiful.

I prefer an old school gown with a looser skirt and a strapless top in a shade of blue. Witness my closet full of blue gowns from the last decade of balls. I just feel better with a loose skirt, and it leaves more room for cake. I also like a dress with pockets for my mid-guest speaker snacks. Someone else might prefer to have full coverage up top, a tighter bodice or maybe a two-piece ensemble.

It’s not my call to tell someone else the best way for them to feel comfortable in their own skin.

“It’s not about you, it’s about the service member.”

You’re right, it is. Which is why I always run my possible dresses by my husband first. Guess what?

He doesn’t care.

I could show him a burlap sack and he’d be cool with it.

OK, he’d probably notice the scratchiness.

But you get my point.

If their service member doesn’t care what ball gown they wear, why should you?

Just to reiterate: this is not your ball, military spouse. You’ve said it yourself in more than one article by more than one writer. It’s been mentioned on more than one Facebook post over the years and across the services.

This year, can we stop shaming other ladies for their personal style choices?

There is no official Dress Code Inspector for military balls. It’s not a thing.

Instead of passing judgment over the length of her dress or a slit or a low back, let’s be grown-ups. Remember that she was just as careful in her dress selection as you were in yours. She fussed over her hair and shoes and makeup, just like you.

This year, at your military ball, give a genuine compliment to another lady. Let her know that her dress’s color highlights her eyes or tell her that you like the way it sparkles. Maybe see if she’s packing snacks in her dress pockets too.

What do you think of ball gown shaming? Why do you think military spouses do it?

Homeland Security’s Request for DoD to House Detained Immigrants Sparks Online Debate

07/16/2018 By Meg Flanagan

The possibility of detained immigrants living on military bases in the southwest has sparked wide and heated debate among the military community. The opinions range from military spouses offering to teach English to these temporary residents to ones suggesting that those entering illegally should be immediately returned to their countries of origin.

According to Department of Defense statements, DoD have been asked to provide up to 12,000 beds on military bases for detained immigrants.

“The Department of Defense has received a request for assistance from the Department of Homeland Security to house and care for an alien family population of up to 12,000 people. DHS requests that DoD identify any available facilities that could be used for that purpose,” the Pentagon said in a statement.

Homeland Security's Request for DoD to House Detained Immigrants Sparks Online Debate

Do you support this plan for DoD to house detained immigrants?

DoD is preparing to receive up to 2,000 immigrants before September 2018. Possible locations and housing arrangements are being scouted now by military leaders. Secretary of Defense James Mattis has identified Goodfellow Air Force Base in San Angelo and Fort Bliss in El Paso as locations available to house unaccompanied immigrant minors.

Possible additional locations in Texas, Arizona, New Mexico and California are also being considered.

Facebook Post Sparks Debate Among Military Spouses

Many military spouses commented on a Facebook post from Military Spouse magazine stating that military bases might soon be used to house detained immigrants. Approximately 70 comments were made on the original post. However, this Facebook post has been shared at least 18 times from that first post alone.

One military spouse referenced the words on the Statue of Liberty, from the poem “The New Colossus” by Emma Lazarus.

“Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

Many Facebook comments made by military spouses shared a similar mentality.

Several commenters shared specific ways that they would be willing to help, from housing immigrants personally to providing respite child care for immigrant parents or teaching ESL in the temporary housing facilities.

Counter-arguments suggested that people considering immigrating to the United States to stay in their own countries. Some stated that those seeking asylum should not cross U.S. borders without proper authorization and paperwork.

According to the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services department, those seeking asylum must be physically present in the United States at the time of their application. In order to be considered for humanitarian asylum, applicants need to cross over a U.S. border or arrive at a port of entry.

Commenters also suggested that those entering “illegally” or seeking asylum should be immediately returned to their countries of origin.

Will Housing Detained Immigrants on Military Bases Impact Military Families?

Lots of individuals were upset over the possible impacts on military base housing or on-base child care centers.

No mention of placing detained immigrants in military family housing or allowing access to CDCs has been mentioned. Multiple sources state that immigrants will be housed in temporary facilities. Costs incurred by the DoD for providing temporary housing would be reimbursed.

Other comments included references to housing issues faced by veterans and their families, as well as by other Americans facing hard times. Some Facebook commenters suggested that instead of placing immigrants into the temporary shelters, that they instead be used for homeless Americans.

Several individuals raised concerns about security and potential issues. They pointed out that many military facilities are closed, and require a DoD ID card to enter or for non-DoD civilians to be escorted.

They are concerned that immigrants may be accidentally able to pick up confidential information and disseminate it to possible threats to the base or the U.S. military.

All indications from previous reports are that detained immigrants would be housed in temporary shelters separate from military facilities and family housing.

Many commenting threads became heated and insults were exchanged from individuals on both sides of the issue.

Dozens of commenters reflected that, based on some comments, they were disappointed with the reaction in the military spouse community.

Others found hope in the empathy of their peers.

Many found kindred spirits who agreed on common points of view.

Susie Schwartz, the wife of retired Air Force General Norton Schwartz and a vice president at Military Spouse magazine’s publisher Victory Media, chimed in with a call for kindness.

“I hope we can all show compassion for each other,” Schwartz wrote in her Facebook comment. “Within our own community and with others.”

Do you support this plan to house detained immigrants on military bases or are you against it? Tell us in the comments section.

Why New Regulations Won’t Solve the Marines United Problem

04/05/2017 By Veronica Jorden

Each of the Armed Services has passed down guidance intended to set expectations for dealing with the kind of despicable behavior brought to light in the Marines United Facebook group scandal.

Why New Regulations Won't Solve the Marines United Problem

Female service members have been secretly fighting to protect themselves from a “boys will be boys” culture for almost 80 years.

But if history is any indication, it’s hard to be convinced it will change a single thing. Regulations already in place should make eliminating this kind of behavior from the ranks easy and yet here we are.

Or should I say, here we are again.

Sadly, the deep-rooted culture of denigrating and disrespecting women who serve hasn’t changed much since women first answered the call to arms.

A  History of Public Humiliation

In 1943 a “slander campaign” sought to undermine the value and service of the Women’s Army Auxillary Corp. It whispered of pregnancy issues and venereal diseases. The campaign impacted recruitment efforts at a time when women’s service was greatly needed. Investigators initially thought the campaign was a form of enemy propaganda, but in the end, it was the actions of high-ranking military officers who believed women had no place in the military.

Fast forward 50 years and the weekend-long Tailhook Naval Conference left 87 women and 7 men sexually assaulted. After an initial cover-up, it took a single victim’s willingness to sacrifice her career and take her story to the press to get the Navy to stop making excuses and start taking action.

Female service members have been fighting to protect our country while secretly fighting to protect themselves from a “boys will be boys” and “locker room talk” culture for almost 80 years.

80 years.

The first service regulations that specifically targeted sexual harassment in the military weren’t even introduced until 1980, nearly 4 decades after women had become fully integrated into the U.S. military.

A Culture of Statistics

In 2014, a survey of female veterans from the Vietnam era to present showed that as many as a quarter of military women have been sexually assaulted and 80% sexually harassed. Another report in 2011 offered this staggering statistic:

“Women in the U.S. military are more likely to be raped by fellow soldiers than they are to be killed in combat.”

Ironically, when women report such crimes and demand the respect they’ve rightfully earned, it is used as an excuse to call them weak and accuse them of distracting their unit from its mission. A 2014 DoD survey found that in the previous year alone, “62% of active service members who reported sexual assault had experienced retaliation, including professional, social and administrative actions or punishments.”

This is the culture female service members face. It is a culture that continues to tell them that their service and their sacrifice is somehow less. That their personal safety isn’t found in trusting the soldier to their right and left, but instead must be found in tolerating illegal and immoral behaviors and staying quiet. It is a culture that demands they give their all and punishes them when their male counterparts decide they don’t like the competition.

Top-Down Change Won’t Work

Regulations and laws currently in place allow for the prosecution of service members involved in the latest scandal, who undoubtedly understood that their behavior was illegal and reprehensible and hence kept it secret and hidden from public view.

Some found safety in their fake-account anonymity; others in the sheer number of other group members who engaged in the same behavior. Sure, the group and the folder full of stolen images have disappeared, but investigators believe the group and its content will congregate and materialize under a new name on a new site. And while there are a few examples of service members suffering the consequences of such actions, there is a staggeringly number of cases where the behavior is dismissed or ignored.

I wish I felt that this renewed awareness would change things. That somehow those who still believe that “hotties don’t belong in the military” would hear the words of their leadership and change.

But the truth is, they haven’t listened in the last 40 years and I doubt they will start now.

This kind of change can’t come from the top down. It must be a grassroots effort within the military community.

The Facebook group in question was 30,000 members strong and it’s unlikely that these members’ attitudes about female service members weren’t apparent to those who knew them in real life. How many of them have been called out, not just by their chain of command, but by their fellow service members or veterans?

If you look at a service member and see gender before the uniform, you’re part of the problem.

If you think the women who were victimized in this case were responsible in any way for what happened to them, you are part of the problem.

If you hear the jokes and innuendo and laugh or ignore it, you are part of the problem.

But if you are willing to call it out, if you are willing to start changing the way you think about this issues, you can be part of the solution.

The question is, will you?

What are your feeling about the Marines United Facebook group photo scandal? Share them in the comments section.

Parents Should Be Ashamed of Facebook Parenting Shaming

08/21/2015 By Julie Provost

Recently I have heard about some military spouses posting photos of other people’s children on their base’s military spouse Facebook pages. They are doing this because these children are misbehaving.

The children are doing things such as throwing trash in the park, picking on other kids or doing something else the poster feels isn’t right. I am not saying that what the kids are doing is OK, behaving that way clearly isn’t, but posting what they are doing on Facebook isn’t a good thing to do either.

Posting photos of other people’s kids on Facebook when your intent is to shame them is not OK.

Facebook Parenting Shaming Is Not OK

What are we teaching our kids and teens when we take part in Facebook shaming too?

Doing so is judgmental and you never really know the story behind why a kid is doing what they are doing. The better thing to do would be to notify the kid’s parent and leave things at that.

I know my kids do not behave 100 percent of the time at 100 percent of the places we go. No one has kids that do. I have carried a screaming child out of the PX more times than I would like to admit. Those moments happen.

We as parents do the best we can do to train our children. Sometimes they act out anyway. We can take those experiences to teach our children that we do not act that way.

If my son was throwing trash on the ground, it would be a good chance to teach him about why we don’t do such a thing. His photo does not need to appear on Facebook in order to get that message across to him.

I am glad that there was not Facebook when I was growing up. As an adult I can step away from the drama but our kids are growing up in a time where anything can be captured on camera and shared with others.

What are we teaching our kids and teens when we take part  in Facebook shaming too?

Doing so teaches them that posting like that is OK. Posting those photos is telling them that it is fine to single someone out on a bad day and make that bad day last forever.

We need to step away from posting shameful photos on Facebook. Whether a kid is doing something they shouldn’t or an adult isn’t dressed the way we think they should be, posting about it on Facebook is being a bully. We want to be the people who our kids look up to and learn from. We as adults should know better and do better.

How do you handle kids who aren’t behaving in base housing? Do you talk to them? Do you talk to their parents? Or do you post your complaint about their behavior on a Facebook military spouse page?

Years ago, public shaming might have meant standing on a street corner holding a sign. The kid who stole a candy bar might be made to stand in front of the store. Yes, people saw the child and he learned his lesson, but then the whole thing was over.

His face was not shared all over Facebook. He was not turned into a meme about good parenting. He was not shamed like that for years and years by strangers.

We really need to think about what social media can do to kids. We don’t want to make things worse than they are by taking part in the Facebook shaming.

When we see parenting shaming being done, we need to speak up so that the posting will stop. That makes for a better world both on Facebook and off.

What do you think of parenting shaming on Facebook?

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