communication

Is Technology Killing the Romance of Deployments?

09/12/2018 By Amanda Marksmeier

Romance is dead!

Technology killed it.

Is Technology Killing the Romance of Deployments?

I miss the low-tech deployments. My husband and I would write each other letters and it was a treat to talk on the phone for 15 minutes.

Gone are the days when people gradually got to know one and another one date at a time. The slow and steady pace of forming a serious relationship has been replaced by search engines, dating apps and social media.

The death of romance is evident in the evolution of technology during deployments.

Before you all start leaving passionate comments about how technology is the source of all romance in your relationships, please hear my experience (which by no means is a reflection or condemnation on your relationship).

Technology Has Invaded Our Deployments

Technology has invaded every aspect of our lives. It is in our cars, homes and schools. We can monitor pets through video, turn lights on and off with a simple command and even adjust the room’s temperature from the comfort of our beds. I admit these are conveniences I enjoy, but I believe technology has made us less connected and allowed us to be less engaged with one another.

During my husband’s first deployment, more than 10 years ago, we would write letters, usually describing our day but mostly expressing our love, our hopes for the future and dreams of our reunion.

Occasionally we were able to speak on the phone. This was a special gift usually delivered in pre-dawn hours. Our calls would only last 15 minutes (if we were lucky) then the operator would break in to inform us our time was limited, in those days I came to hate her.

My husband would wait in line for hours after pulling 24-hour duty for a 15-minute conversation. That dedication, my friends, is romance.

Skype, FaceTime and Facebook Live were not yet invented so the only image of your spouse would be in your thoughts, unless you were lucky enough to catch a glimpse of him in the unit’s newsletter. I can remember holding tight to pictures, trying desperately to remember his face, his eyes and his smile.

I Hoped I Would Recognize Him at His Homecoming

Anticipation for the moment we would lay eyes on each other for the first time in a year would build as the deployment days counted down.

I will never forget our reunions in those early days. Standing on a parade field, feeling my heart pound out of my chest. The buses came rolling by, my breathe trapped in my lungs.

The moment of our homecoming had come.

The band began to play as hundreds of soldiers marching through the trees.

Tears welled in my eyes.

Pride swelled my heart.

I stood for what seemed like hours, searching for his face, hoping I would recognize him after such a long time apart. Then like a fairytale, there he was standing before me, and just like that all was complete in my world.

I Miss the Letter-Writing Deployments When I Believe We Were Truly Able to Miss Each Other

Don’t misunderstand, I appreciate technology. I appreciate the ability to call or text my spouse when I need him, like when I feel defeated by our lawn equipment.

I believe that technology is killing the romance of deployments.

I appreciate the opportunity for him to watch his children grow even when he’s far away.

But I do miss the low-tech days, when I believe we were truly able to miss each other, to go days, weeks and even months without contact. This time allowed us to appreciate the time we do get together and not take a moment of it for granted.

To this day, we still write letters when my husband is deployed and have only Skyped a few times during a deployment.

I know that seems crazy to most military couples, but it has worked for us for over 15 years.

Do you think technology has helped or harmed romance?

Online Communication Keeps Military Families Connected

08/03/2016 By Meg Flanagan

When my husband deployed, I thanked my lucky stars that we were living in the 21st century. My beloved was often just a keyboard and computer screen away.

Online Communication Keeps Military Couples Connected

Online communication allows military couples to stay connected during times of separation.

I immediately thought about my grandparents: continents away during World War II and communicating through unreliable snail mail. Deployments were a lot longer then, too. The troops were gone for years sometimes, with very little communication to the folks back home.

Today, we have an app for that!

There are more ways to connect than you can imagine and military families have found or tried many of them. From video chats to instant messaging services, from email to virtual reading programs, there is something out there for everyone. Most of these online communication services can be accessed right from a smartphone or laptop, anywhere in the world!

The benefits of online communication really boil down to just one thing: connections.

Every time a unit deploys, that means that many military families are operating without one parent for months at a time. The parent at home takes on twice the work with less down time. Suddenly, one person is in charge instead of two.

For that parent, being able to reach out to their deployed spouse can help to make solo parenting that much easier. When a child has a great success, it can be shared and cheered together. Or when a child has a not-so-great moment, the parents can plan together on how to handle it and show a united front.

For military children, online communication keeps them connected to their deployed parent.

When there is a big win or a bad day, a child can immediately email Mom or Dad to share their feelings. Or they can message them. Or use a video call.

Just seeing their parent’s face keeps those channels of communication open and operational. When a child relies on one parent for so long, it could be easy to see the other as not a part of the game. This can make it harder for everyone when the deployment is finally over.

With quality online communication, both parents are on the team at the same time. They are making joint decisions and working together as a family to handle every situation.

That online connection can start even before or at birth. With the heavy deployment cycle of the last 15 years, many service members have been “present” for the birth of a child via video. Sharing something so precious, from so far away, is priceless.

While a parent deploys, families often are also far from grandparents, aunts and uncles. Virtual connections via online communication can help here too. Many military children grow up seeing Grandma and Grandpa via video chat or through shared online photo albums. Having these avenues open, during deployments or not, is vital to keeping extended families connected across the miles. Online communication provides networks and resources to draw on, no matter where military families are located.

Even small things, like the locations of documents or tools, can be almost instantly shared through online messages or emails. So when the car inevitably breaks down or the washer needs a part, searching for the insurance or manuals won’t add another stressor to the situation.

Ultimately, the benefits of online communication come down to one main thing: connections. Yes, there are thousands of little intangibles that make up the idea. The soccer game live streamed to the middle of the Pacific. Christmas morning presents via Skype. Seeing a family vacation from across the world. All of these little moments that are shared together online create connections through communication.

For military families, keeping their connections alive during deployment is the biggest benefit of all.

How has online communication benefited your military family during a deployment? Share your story in the comments section.

5 Important Things You Can Do to Save Your Military Marriage

04/22/2015 By Rachel Tringali Marston

Military spouses, almost immediately after saying “I do,” realize that being married to a service member brings its own unique challenges. Aside from unexpected moves, forced separation and countless other military-related things, we also know a marriage in itself can create difficult challenges.

Last month, I shared with you 5 Things That Can Destroy a Military Marriage. It was a list identifying specific actions that cause problems in our relationships, particularly those married to service members.

Again, I turned to my parents for inspiration on the things we can do to help us nurture and ultimately save a military marriage. Here’s what I learned.

5 Important Things You Can Do to Save Your Military Marriage

Don’t take your cohabiting time for granted! Dedicate quality time for the two of you.

In a military marriage, it’s important to:

1. Communicate with each other. I think it’s one of the biggest things you should do. How many of us like to complain? I’m totally guilty of it and it’s totally natural to get annoyed and shut down. But when we shut down and stay silent, we stop communicating with our service member. That’s not good in a military marriage.

Most of the things that can destroy your marriage can be resolved by communicating and listening.

If you approach every conversation with an open heart and mind, communicating with your spouse can help clear a lot of conflict. Remember to be understanding and use this dialogue between to find a compromise. Because of how important it is to listen to each other, speak taking turns, so you don’t overpower each other.

Also, don’t let distance stop you. Even if your spouse is away, use the form of communication that is available. The Internet was how my husband and I spoke to each other while he was overseas and it helped us work through our issues.

2. Compliment your partner. In addition to openly communicating, it’s just as important to compliment each other in the things that we do love about each other. Compliment on things that are done for you and also on “just because” things.

I’m a sucker for my husband’s smile and if you know him, you know that his smile doesn’t appear that often (he’s quite a serious dude). So, at the moments I see that smile from ear to ear, I tell him how much I love seeing it. As a result, I actually see that smile a lot more– must be a subliminal thing!

Don’t let it stop at physical compliments. Take it to an emotional level too. It’s said that complimenting increases self-confidence and self-worth, so it’s a great way to strengthen your bond.

3. Date each other. We all know that separation is difficult. It can even create distance when you and your spouse are back together because we get used to our solo routine. Don’t take your cohabiting time for granted! Dedicate quality time for the two of you. Whether you and your spouse agree to try a brand-new activity or do something that is near and dear to both of you, it’s really important to keep the romance alive.

4. Allow for space. It is a little weird to say that being alone is important after encouraging you to communicate and date, but maintaining your own personal space gives you and your partner the necessary downtime needed to recharge and get your mind back on track. Alone time allows me to reflect on my relationships. As a result, my marriage is stronger because of the balance I have with myself and my husband.

5. Embrace each other and military life. First, physical contact can remind us of the love we have for our spouse. There is something special about the warmth of a hug or the touch of a hand. For me, it’s soothing. The mere thought of hugging my husband makes me feel happy.

Second, you must choose to embrace your marriage and the military. Let’s be honest, some disputes might actually stem from an extenuating military circumstance. I can’t tell you how many times that I’ve been downright upset or confused (sometimes I mix the two) because of a military-related decision. You both can blame each other for what the military throws your way. Instead, embrace the lifestyle together.

What’s the best piece of marriage advice you’ve ever received?

5 Things That Can Destroy a Military Marriage

03/04/2015 By Rachel Tringali Marston

Marriage is work and done with the right attitude it’s fulfilling work.

5 Things That Can Destroy a Military Marriage

How does military life put a strain on your marriage?

Despite all the love you and your spouse have for each other, a marriage still challenges the dynamic between the two of you. It’s only natural to experience conflict, particularly with the one person that you are closest to in your life.

I’ve been taking notes from my parents’ marriage for the longest time– witnessing their good and bad times–and seeing that at the end of every struggle, they find resolution and remember the love they have for each other.

I’ve also witnessed and have firsthand experience with the particular obstacles military marriages encounter.

Sometimes I feel like the military is an unofficial third wheel in my relationship.

Based on what I’ve learned so far, there are certain instances that can strain your relationship, especially with your spouse in the military like:

Never comprising. The military forces us to comprise at times (or another phrase I use is “adjust fire”). We have to adjust fire when we get thrown surprise orders or an unexpected duty. Military spouses need to have a flexible mindset or else, it will be a difficult life. Compromise allows you to find a common ground and can offer a sense of comfort. Make it something you both can stand behind.
Lacking understanding. Understanding is another big factor that should take precedent in a military relationship because the type of compromise you want may be difficult to find. For example, my husband goes out of town for professional development a lot of times and asks that I give him space to study. It’s hard for me to leave him alone because I miss him, but instead of getting upset, I use that opportunity to work on my own personal goals.
Thinking only about yourself. I’ve always been taught that a relationship is a two-way street and to expect as much back as you put forward. If it’s constantly about yourself or even your husband, it doesn’t make it fair to each other. As military spouses, we may have to actually consider our spouses’ career on a high level, but I’ve experienced that even your career can be a two-way street with adding a dash of compromise into the equation. Focusing strictly on one person doesn’t help the relationship as a whole because it could feel belittling to the other party.
Forgetting why you fell in love. Deployments. TDYs. Field exercises. There are several factors that separate us from our loved one. During those times, we go on. We learn to live life in a way that keeps us fulfilled. Don’t get me wrong, my husband’s absence does make me feel crazy. When our spouses’ come back, it’s a whole reintegration period that each person experiences, so be patient and remember why you fell in love!
Resenting the military. I admit that I have moments where I raise my fists in the air and ask “why?!” But, what good does that really do? Nothing. It’s just temporary relief. I can’t constantly harp on the military for everything bad. That isn’t resolving the situation. It’s adding stress and unnecessary tension on your spouses’ choice to join the military.