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Stop Saying ‘Army Wife: Toughest Job in the Army’

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You have probably heard the phrase, “Army (or Navy, Air Force, Marine Corps) Wife is the Toughest Job in the Army (or Navy, Air Force, Marine Corps) .”  You might have seen it on a bumper sticker, T-shirt, keychain, coffee mug, magnet or an online forum. It’s out there and it is something that can cause a lot of frustration for a lot of people.

The reason people say this is because it is hard to be a military spouse.

Being a military spouse isn’t an easy life. You have to give up a lot from where you live to pursuing your own career. You are home with the kids as a solo parent and the military isn’t always the best of letting you know what is going on or what is ahead for your family in the future.

Stop Saying 'Army Wife: Toughest Job in the Army'The issue with the saying “Military spouse is the toughest job in the military,” isn’t that military life is hard. We all know it’s hard. The problem with this statement is it acts as though the spouse IS actually in the military which is not true. Spouses are civilians unless they serve in active duty or the National Guard or are reservists or veterans.

If you talk to a spouse who served in the active duty military, she might tell you how frustrating it can be to hear that other spouses act like they too are in the military. They would tell you how different the 2 roles are. They would try to explain that serving in the military is different then serving on the homefront.

While the service member trains for war and is eventually deployed, the spouse stays at home. Whether the spouse works outside the home or not, they are the ones in charge and taking care of the children. They are the ones left behind to keep things going. They say goodbye to their spouse and make do playing the dual roles of mom and dad for months at a time, sometimes years at a time. They take care of what needs to be done while the other spouse is away. All of this is hard and appreciated. It can be frustrating when you have to wait on the military for almost everything. You wait on finding out where and when you will move, when your spouse will be home and what is going to happen next. Forget about planning your future, even if you were able to, the military could change things at the last minute.

None of this is the same as being in the military, to train hard, carry your weapon and put yourself in harm’s way. Nothing a military spouse is doing at home is literally putting yourself in the line of fire.

While we need to remember and recognize the sacrifices that military families and spouses make, we need to stop acting like it is the same as actually being in the military. Because it isn’t and it isn’t fair to act as though it is. We need to stop saying it is harder than what those who have enlisted have had to do. We need to understand that as stressful as it gets waiting at home, at least we wait in a safe place with a warm bed, a full fridge and friends to help us through the deployment.

Stop Saying 'Army Wife: Toughest Job in the Army'

What do you think about this statement, “Military Spouse is the Toughest Job in the Military?” Does it annoy you? Why or why not?

Military Spouses Don’t Wear Rank…Or Do They?

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Military spouses don’t wear rank…or do they? Technically they don’t. Military spouses know this, but mixed signals are given on the subject of military hierarchy. My husband became a chief in August 2013 and I attended the spouse welcome and education night. They gave us 2 books: Guidelines for the Spouses of Chief Petty Officers and Social Customs and Traditions of the Sea Services. I quite possibly could have been the only person that read both of those books that night. Some things were very helpful and others were very outdated. The subject of spousal rank structure came up once.

Additionally, even though there is no rank among spouses, your presence as “the Chief’s spouse” is significant. You are a natural role model for others coping with the challenges of military life.

Regardless of your intent, you will be a role model to junior sailors’ spouses and the example you set will have an impact on the other spouses at the command.

I agree with those statements. I don’t wear my husband’s rank, nor do I want to. Being myself and a positive role model for other husbands and wives is more important to me. I have a good friend that is an officer’s wife and one that is the spouse of a sailor still going through EOD school.

Some of my friends’ husbands are higher rank than my husband but we’re all friends. Why should rank matter?

Some spouses take the military hierarchy very seriously. They feel a sense of entitlement, that they have worked hard over the years and deserve their due. Really? After years of being part of the military community and watching your spouse rise in rank, you’ve experienced a lot. I understand that. Why do you assume an air of superiority?

Do Military Spouses Wear Rank?

A friendly smile and a helping hand can go a long way for all military spouses, whatever their service member’s rank.

The first thought that comes to mind when thinking of my family is pride. My father retired as command sergeant major. I am proud of his accomplishments. I continue to have the same sense of pride for my husband and his advancement. I don’t feel entitled to anything. I do feel special, I will admit. I’ve always thought I was part of something special by being a member of the military community.

When I attended the new chief spouse education night I thought it was quite interesting and somewhat surprising, that the master chief leading the night said not only were we special but that we deserved our due. He specifically said that we do not wear our spouses’ rank, but that we were not to fraternize with lower ranked spouses just as the new chiefs were not to fraternize with lower enlisted. I spoke up. There was no way I was going to let that comment pass. When I said I had friends with spouses of all ranks he said I needed to reevaluate my relationships. Seriously. “Though you do not wear your husband’s rank,” he reiterated, “it is up to you to decide if having those friendships puts your husband at risk of fraternization.” It is recommended that you do not maintain relationships with spouses of lower enlisted. I went home and told my friend we couldn’t be friends anymore. We both laughed.

While rules of etiquette are important to follow, always keep in mind that no rules will replace a warm heart, a friendly smile, and the sincere desire to share in the fellowship and camaraderie of the sea services.

This quote from Guidelines for the Spouses of Chief Petty Officers makes me smile. While what the master chief said was contradictory, this statement should bring it all back in focus. Sure some military spouses have more “mileage” than others. You’ve struggled with multiple moves, repeated deployments and last-minute changes. You’ve experienced a lot and learned a great deal. Why not share that knowledge with the younger generation and help them in their journey rather than put them down? A friendly smile and a helping hand can go a long way.

Military Spouses Don't Wear Rank

Offer a smile instead of asking “don’t you know who I’m married to?”

Have you met a spouse that wears rank? How do you handle military spouse hierarchy?

Should Military Commissaries Ban Plastic Bags?

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Should Military Commissaries Ban Plastic Bags?

Commissary patrons can conveniently recycle their used plastic grocery bags.

Ban plastic bags? Can the Defense Commissary Agency or DeCA really do that? Why would they want to ban plastic grocery bags?

Well, in California, state lawmakers just passed a plastic-bag-ban bill. If the bill is signed it will ban grocery stores from providing the bags to its customers.

The reason a bill like this was passed is to help out the environment. It is probably pretty obvious that there are a lot of plastic bags being taken home by grocery shoppers. Some of them are probably reused for another purpose. I know we like to reuse the ones we get for things like taking snacks or toys to the park to throwing away diapers or other types of mess. They work great to keep in your car and to have on hand if you have small children that might have an accident. There are many ways to reuse the plastic bags but does that make a difference?

According to the Earth Policy Institute, people use 1 trillion plastic bags a year and the average use length was just 12 minutes. Even though some of us reuse them I would assume that the majority of those bags go right into the trash. This can be a big issue as they are not good for the environment. They can take a very long time to decompose (anywhere from 15 to 1,000 years) as well as hurting animals who get stuck in them or who try to eat them.

Wouldn’t it be better to get rid of plastic bags altogether? What if the commissary decided to ban plastic bags? Would it bother you?

We spent 4 years in Germany and the German stores are very different from American ones. Everyone brings their own bags. Some places do allow you to purchase a plastic bag for anywhere from $.10 to $1. Most of these bags are stronger than what you can find in the states and although they are plastic,  you can reuse them a few times. Whenever I went to the German stores I either brought a bag or bought one. However, I never did my big shopping there. I usually only bought 1 bag full anyway.

Since 2008, DeCA has been working to reduce the use of paper and plastic bags through its environmental management program. As part of that program, baggers are asked to not double-bag unless a patron specifically requests it and the commissaries sell their own green reusable grocery bags.  Patrons can also recycle their plastic bags by returning them to collection bins at commissaries stateside.

Plastic Bag Ban for Military Commissaries

Paper, plastic or cloth? What bags do you use when shopping at your military commissary?

If there was a plastic bag ban then people would either need to be OK with paper or bring their reusable grocery bags. This might not be an issue for some although for others it might complicate things. It would be a change and one we would all have to get used to.

If banning plastic bags can help save the environment, it is probably a good thing to do, even at the commissary. If it isn’t going to happen now, it will happen in the future. It is a good idea that most of us get used to bringing our own bags to the store.

What do you think? Do you think a plastic bag ban is a good idea for all grocery stores, including commissaries? Tell us in the comments section.

Food Insecurity a Reality for Many Military Families

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Military Families Use Food Banks

Are you a military family who uses a local food bank?

I wasn’t surprised by the numbers. I wasn’t shocked by the headlines. I thought to myself “yeah, that seems about right.” Many military families, like many Americans, regularly face food insecurity so these military families, like many Americans regularly fill their pantries with nonperishable items from their local food banks. They may do it once. They do it between pay periods. They may do it every 6 months. The point is that military families use food banks.

This isn’t something new. My husband volunteered distributing food to military families at a southern California installation in 2003. But the news of American service members utilizing civilian food banks has recently grabbed the media’s attention.

It all started with Feeding America’s annual survey. In that report, it said that 620,000 households that seek food assistance from a Feeding America network agency each year include at least 1 member who is currently serving in the U.S. military. That person may be an active duty Marine or he may be an inactive reservist. The Feeding America study didn’t examine that type of specific data. But every media outlet ran with a headline saying “25 percent of military families are seeking food aid.”

The Department of Defense immediately questioned Feeding America’s survey methodology saying that “surveying households instead of individuals while comparing those numbers to military data creates an inaccurate picture.” The Pentagon spokesman also reminded Americans that the military offers the Family Subsistence Supplemental Allowance for low-income families.

But few military families are using the Family Subsistence Supplemental Allowance. Why? My guess is military families want to remain anonymous in their financial struggle. They don’t want their commander to find out they can’t afford to feed their 5 children. That’s why military spouses prefer to visit a food pantry at their local churches. In the majority of cases, spouses show their military ID and the food bank will give them food that day.

A short and incomplete search on Google showed food drives for hungry airmen, lines of Marine families waiting for free food, donation drop-off locations near Navy installations, partnerships between the USO and food banks and churches scrambling to fill the need for veterans, National Guard soldiers and Reservists families. I’m sure if you ask your FRO or the Navy and Marine Corps Relief Society, they will tell you that some, not all, military families are struggling financially to make ends meet.

If military families weren’t struggling, than why would there be a need for food banks located on overseas military installations?

Many military families, like many Americans are living paycheck to paycheck. They aren’t saving for their dream house and they won’t buy a vacation home at their retirement. They are scraping by and local food banks ease their burden.

Do I think military families should use local food banks? Frankly it’s none of my business. But I do think that the Pentagon needs to hear the old adage: if one military family is relying on a local food bank, that’s one military family too many.

Did you donate food through DeCA’s Feds Feed Families program? How do you feel about military families using food banks?

Hey Uncle Sam, Stay Out of Service Members’ Bedrooms

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cheatingservicemembers

Rumors are not evidence.

The Department of Defense is full of adulterers. From privates to generals, you can find service members, both enlisted and officers, who have committed adultery by cheating on their spouses. While it is commonly believed that if a service member is unfaithful to his/her wife, the Armed Forces will discharge him/her, military spouses can rattle off countless examples (many based on rumors) where the service member isn’t punished for cheating. A few of these examples reach national news headlines, as in the case of Gen. David Petraeus and Army Col. James H. Johnson III. But the majority of military adulterers never face repercussions from their chain of command and never face the public scrutiny.

If service members cheat on their spouses, but never get kicked out of the military isn’t this no-adultery rule pointless?

The Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ) is a federal law, enacted by Congress, to govern legal discipline and court martials for the Armed Forces. The UCMJ is the guiding legal document for all service members. Articles 77 through 134 of the UCMJ outline the “punitive offenses” or crimes that service members can be prosecuted.

Here is a list of offenses that are listed in the UCMJ:

  • Captured or Abandoned Property (Article 103)
  • Absence Without Leave (Article 86)
  • Drunken or Reckless Driving (Article 111)
  • Dueling (Article 114)

Adultery is NOT listed as a punitive offense in the UCMJ.

That said let’s look at Article 134, the General Article within the UCMJ.

Though not specifically mentioned in this chapter, all disorders and neglects to the prejudice of good order and discipline in the Armed Forces, all conduct of a nature to bring discredit upon the Armed Forces, and crimes and offenses not capital, of which persons subject to this chapter may be guilty, shall be taken cognizance of by a general, special or summary court-martial, according to the nature and degree of the offense, and shall be punished at the discretion of that court.

–Article 134 of the UCMJ

It’s the typical catch-all paragraph that the government loves to have in any legal document.

Technically adultery is punishable by reprimand, dismissal and prison. But service members are rarely charged with adultery as a stand-alone offense. If they are charged with adultery, it’s usually tied to a list of offenses. That was the case for Air Force Lt. Kelly Flinn, the first female pilot of a B-52 bomber. She faced a court martial for adultery for an affair with a married civilian, lying about the affair by denying it to an investigator, fraternizing with an enlisted man in another brief affair and disobeying a direct order. In the end, Flinn was allowed to be discharged from the military instead of facing a court martial.

marriedcouple

If service members cheat on their spouses, but never get kicked out of the military isn’t this no-adultery rule pointless?

Adultery, as a military offense, is rarely prosecuted because of the necessity of 3 Elements of Proof, as outlined in the Manual for Courts-Martial. Here are those elements:

  1. That the accused wrongfully had sexual intercourse with a certain person;
  2. That, at the time, the accused or the other person was married to someone else; and
  3. That, under the circumstances, the conduct of the accused was to the prejudice of good order and discipline in the armed forces or was of a nature to bring discredit upon the armed forces.

This means that a court martial needs to have documented evidence beyond a reasonable doubt. Evidence normally requires photographs, a confession and eyewitness testimony. Rumors are not evidence. The 3 Elements of Proof also requires that the government show that the individual’s conduct had some direct negative impact on the military. It is nearly impossible and time-consuming to prove that a service member committed adultery.

militaryadultery

Technically adultery is punishable by reprimand, dismissal and prison.

Knowing that it is nearly impossible to punish a service member for adultery, I think DOD should stop including adultery as an offense. Let’s leave adultery where it belongs– in the bedroom– and work on the true issues of today’s military community.

What’s your opinion of including adultery in the UCMJ? Share it in the comments section below.

Accepting PTSD as Normal, Not the Exception

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The 4 letters that could destroy your career: PTSD.

One of the biggest misconceptions in the military right now is that seeking help for PTSD will ruin your career.

Only, it won’t.

I can understand why this misconception is believed. Our service members are trained to be tough and strong to go to war and while not expressly stated, it’s insinuated that seeking help for any kind of distress (mental or physical) is seen as “weak” and “broken.”

That couldn’t be farther from the truth. Seeking help takes an incredible amount of strength and courage.

Here is the saddest part. Studies have shown that our service members WANT help. Researchers asked 2,500 soldiers in Georgia to fill out the standard Post-Deployment Health Assessment twice– once on record and a second time anonymously. Over 68% took part in both surveys and the results nearly doubled for any questions about PTSD and treatment. How insane is that?

Soldiers are tailoring their answers to the questions about their health based on what they think their supervisors want to see.

But at what cost? A rise in suicide attempts, domestic violence and divorce.

No matter what your relationship is to the military– a spouse, active-duty service member, veteran, parent, family member or friend– each one of us has been touched in some way by the effects of PTSD and non-treatment.

And when something horrible happens, we wonder what we could have done, how we could have prevented it and how sad it is that they couldn’t get help.

It’s a vicious cycle that needs to end. There should be no reason why our service members continue to suffer in silence.

Because when you think about it, they aren’t suffering alone. Their families are suffering too. One study showed a tie between PTSD and a higher rate of domestic violence.

While that isn’t a very big surprise, imagine the family whose service member returns home and begins verbal or physical abuse that wasn’t there before. While the spouse may suspect PTSD, any urging to get treatment is met with more violence because who are they to question the person who just lived through hell?

PTSD and combat stress affect nearly all of our military members.

PTSD and combat stress affect all of our military members and families.

It’s a no-win for everyone.

What’s the solution?

Stop glorifying war and start treating war as the traumatic situation that it is. Because until we begin to expect PTSD to be the norm, instead of the exception, we will continue to miss a diagnosis.

That is unacceptable.

 

Your Turn: What barriers exist for PTSD treatment for today’s active duty?

Decoding the Military Commissary Dress Code

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“You can’t wear that.”dress-code-irwin

“What do you mean I can’t wear this?” I told my husband. We were recently married and living in Yuma, Arizona. It was a Sunday afternoon nearly 10 years ago and I remember it like it was yesterday. It was my first experience with the dress code that exists for service members, dependents and their guests at military installations.

I was wearing a tank top, shorts and sandals. Apparently I wasn’t dressed appropriately for our planned trip to Marine Corps Air Station Yuma’s commissary. My husband looked me up and down and told me I was wearing “workout gear” and “shower shoes.”

“Shower shoes,” I scoffed.

Clearly I was not wearing shower shoes and I was wearing a tank top because it was more than 90 degrees outside. But being a new military spouse, I changed before heading to the base. Once we walked through the sliding glass doors at the military commissary, my husband pointed to the dress code policy sign. One question popped into my head.

Does this dress code apply to military spouses?

The short answer is yes. The dress code applies to military spouses and anyone else with base access, including dependents, retirees, civilian employees, contractors and civilian guests.

Is the dress code enforced? What’s the penalty for breaking the dress code?

Here’s where it gets complicated. At every U.S. military installation around the world, there is a dress code for the commissary, exchange and gas station. The dress code is an order that is normally posted near the front doors of these base businesses. The poster explains that civilian clothing must fit properly (not too tight, not too loose) and that patrons are prohibited from wearing pajamas, athletic shorts, swimsuits and spandex-type gym attire.

Your Military Dress Code Decoded

The dress code at the commissary applies to service members, their dependents and guests.

If you break the dress code,  a service member who is tasked with “policing their own,” will point out that you are inappropriately dressed and deny you access to that facility. This happened to a Navy spouse after a Marine said her 7-year-old son was wearing workout gear to the commissary in Kaneohe Bay. They were refused admission. After her son changed his shorts, the two returned to the commissary to buy their milk.

One important piece to decoding the dress code: The dress code isn’t the commissary’s policy.

It’s the installation commanders who order and choose to enforce or not enforce the dress code. That’s why a service member, not a commissary manager, is the person publicly pointing out your noncompliant attire. It’s the reason why dress code enforcement is inconsistent among military installation and even among different military branches. It’s also the reason I dress up to pump gas at a Marine Corps gas station, but never sweat my wardrobe at an Air Force commissary.

Are the military dress codes for shopping at the commissary outdated?

America’s Support for the Troops is Lip Service

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I am a pessimistic military spouse. In my heart, I want to believe that when Americans say “support our troops” that this statement means more than buying a reservist a cheeseburger for lunch and putting a camouflaged bumper sticker on the back of their Buicks. keepyourpromise

I want to believe that their support for the U.S. military means that they will choose to sacrifice for those who volunteered to serve in the Armed Forces.

Their civilian sacrifice means that they demand that service members receive an annual pay increase every year. It means that Americans pay higher taxes so that a disabled veteran has free health care for the rest of his life. Supporting our military means that Americans encourage their representatives to cut other benefits (services that will directly impact their well-being) so that military families can afford to buy food at an overseas military commissary or have the option of living off-base.

But that’s not reality.

We live in a country where the leadership at the Pentagon proposed cutting benefits for the military. I thought those top ranking officials were appointed to fight for the interests of everyone in the military, from the youngest recruit to the oldest World War II veteran. Earlier this month, the House Armed Services personnel subcommittee voted unanimously to leave intact the current military health care system, the housing allowance and much of the Pentagon’s $1.4 billion in direct subsidies to the commissaries. The news shocked me. It pleased me. Then I remembered the subcommittee’s recommendations are a long way from the President’s desk. We’ll see what version of the defense budget and which reductions reach the chopping block this summer. See, I really am a pessimist. But I am a patriotic pessimist.

MilitaryShoppers wants to hear from you: Why should Congress support military benefits?

Post your answer in the comments section between Thursday, May 15 and Tuesday, May 20 to be entered to win a $50 military commissary gift card, courtesy of MilitaryShoppers.

If you tweet it, use #KeepYourPromise.