It’s over. Done. Finito. Now, it’s just about getting the whole family together again, finally. All that’s left is the hugs and kisses. But who gets that first homecoming hug?

Honestly, this is a huge topic of controversy for military families, especially parents and spouses. Everyone seems to want that “first” contact after deployment is finished, but there can only be one.

Deciding Who Gets the First Homecoming Hug

There are some serious familial politics at play. No matter what, it seems like someone might walk away with hurt feelings.

Let’s break it on down to make your next homecoming super simple! All these scenarios assume that parents and/or extended family will be present along with the service member’s significant other and kids.

Single Service Member

This one is a no-brainer: parents get the first hug! When a service member arrives back from deployment, they might be the only ones there to provide a welcome.

After parents, if necessary, move down through siblings to extended family, then friends.

A single service member coming with no significant other is so simple.

Dating or Engaged Service Member

This is where the family politics come into play, with parents often butting head with significant others. Which means that everyone is going to need to communicate clearly, openly and honestly. Mostly, it comes down to service member preference: parents or significant other.

If Mom and Dad get the first hug, the significant other should obviously get the second. And vice versa.

That said, if the service member is in a long term serious committed relationship or is engaged, the significant other should take preference. they’ve moved into the “spouse” role (see below).

Either way, talk as a family and a couple before homecoming to be super clear about what’s happening and why.

There are no losers here: the service member is home.

Married Service Member, No Kids

Hey parents, in this case, back off the first hug urge. I get that this is your baby, coming home after months away. But you’ve also been somewhat removed from the stress of this deployment.

Your grown child’s spouse has been holding it down at home, dealing with the absence of their loved one for months on end. They’ve done the bills, handled household emergencies and been super involved with the FRG.

Mom and Dad, grab that second hug and savor it!

Married Service Member, Kids

Everyone hold on, because the kids get first dibs here! Their world has been rocked by their parent’s absence. Plus, they probably look pretty sweet in those special homecoming outfits.

Get out of their way, they’re getting their parent!

After the kids get scooped up, the spouse should be next in line for a hug and kiss. There might be a big family hug worked in here, too.

If anyone else is around, work down the line: parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and then friends.

Why Are We Even Talking About This?

Okay, yes, it might seem pretty basic. There’s an order and preference for who gets that first hug that should be pretty intuitive: kids, spouse/significant other, parents, others.

But we wouldn’t be having this discussion if there weren’t pretty widespread issues around homecomings. Especially when it comes to a mom wanting the first hug over anyone and everyone else, including the kids.

There have been cases of parents literally racing a spouse to get the first hug. Other reports of parents, especially mothers, hugging and not letting go have also trickled down through the ranks.

Let’s be clear: unless the service member says otherwise or they simply aren’t in the picture, homecoming first hugs are for spouses and kids. Mom, sorry, this isn’t your show anymore. Your child is grown, even if it’s hard to imagine. Their spouse and their kids have born the brunt of this deployment and they get first dibs on hugs or kisses.

Other Homecoming Related Concerns & Issues

Homecoming seems to be a topic of much discussion and lots of stress. And it mostly falls on the military spouse to handle the load of planning, inviting and prepping for this glorious day.

So, in case you were wondering, here are some things you might want to think about as the service member, military parent or extended family.

Returning Service Member

Stick to the plan, no deviations. Seriously. Don’t need to run a quick errand real fast. There are no rides offered or shuttling services provided before, during or after your homecoming.

Don’t do it.

Your spouse, kids and/or parents just want to get you home.

Remember that your spouse and/or parents have likely spent some time getting the house spotless for your return. Dropping your gear in a messy pile in the living room might ruffle some feathers. Definitely find a drop-spot, but keep things out of the way until you can sort them properly.

Other than this, it’s your day! Take a nap, pop a cold one and chow down!

Out-of-Town Visitors

This is sensitive. You want to welcome your hero home, but also want to avoid stepping on any toes. Which means that you need to wait for an invite, preferably from the spouse.

Don’t invite yourself. There might be other factors at play here which would make your presence intrusive.

By all means, come if you’re invited though. But rent a car and get a hotel. your loved one and his/her spouse. If you opt to stay with them, things might get awkward. After all, it’s been a long deployment.

How do you handle homecoming politics? We’d love to get your best advice!

We’ve entered, or maybe have been in for a while, a unique space for military families, spouses specifically. It’s the land of discounts, freebies and entitlements.

Yup, it’s time for us to talk about all the stuff we get for free. But more than that, it’s long overdue that our community talks about just how much this system of “for free” has impacted us overall.

Don’t You Offer a Military Discount or Freebie?

Now, look, I’m the very last person you’ll hear complain about military discounts, included benefits or support programs. I’ve happily used TriCare insurance and military treatment facilities for over a decade. Saving those few dollars on shoes or Disney tickets is kind of sweet, too. Plus, it’s a boon to our community that there are support programs, like EFMP or MFLC, available to us.

Because, let’s face it, no service member is in this life to get rich – quick or otherwise. There are sacrifices to be made, and we all make them regularly and willingly.

I appreciate all of the amazing benefits, like those discounts and that healthcare and all the support organizations, because I use them regularly. I’m not, 100% not ever, suggesting that we get rid of them. They’re needed, deeply truly needed, by our community.

But we’re not entitled to them. We don’t just get them because of our affiliation with the DoD.

We Need to Check Our Entitlement to More

So, in case you’re unaware, part of military spouse life in this generation is being pretty active on social media. Yup, I’m talking about Facebook and Twitter.

Inside of those social spaces, various groups have sprung up over the years. Some are for the military community generally and others are just for military spouses. There are even some that are branch, rank or base-specific. Guess what? I’m in a fair few of them.

And sometimes, what I’m seeing from our community bugs me.

“They don’t offer a military discount or upgrade”

Again, let me say, I get that the budget is tight and every little bit counts. But come on, guys, it’s getting a bit extreme.

Did you know, the other week, I saw a rant, a full-on diatribe, about how suchandsuch an airline wasn’t extending no-fee baggage for active military to the non-serving spouse? Yeah, no, that’s a thing I saw. And it’s not even the first time. Try more like the thousandth time for that particular rant.

There are folks who get all up in arms about stores or tourist attractions who have certain rules about applying military discounts. I’ve even seen small business owners, members of the military spouse community, told that they ought to be giving away their products or services for free.

Why? Great question.

“Because you’re one of us and you need to support your own.”

Yeah. Okay. I don’t think giving away homemade soaps or hours of tutoring pays the bills, Brenda.

What’s grinding my gears is the notion, clearly not held by every military member or spouse, that discounts and freebies should be happening no matter what. That the non-serving spouse should get that free baggage for a pleasure trip to Las Vegas just the same as the AD service member on orders. Or that a military spouse who tutors should be providing free services to her neighbors just because “military discount.”

When did we get so entitled? Why are we expecting to get discounts and freebies from everyone and everything?

And why, oh why, are we getting mad about instances when those things aren’t happening?

Are We Insulated & Entitled?

Everyone walks their own roads, fights their own battles and gets through the day the best they can. Honestly, I get that.

But what else am I to think when I see people throwing virtual (and sometimes in real life) fits about not getting their “deserved” discount? What am I to think when I read (and sometimes have to listen to in real life) rants about suchandsuch business should be ashamed because of their lack of or minimal military discount?

Really, stop and think about it.

We are entitled to nothing from no one. Not one single business has to offer military troops or families a discount. Just like they don’t need to offer one to first responders or teachers or accountants or doctors or lawyers or the general public.

But our families generally get a discount.

We get cheaper tickets to Disney parks in the US. Sometimes our bags get checked free or we can board first. Some places, like SeaWorld, even offer completely free admission a few times a year.

We get discounts, big and small, at many retailers and tourist attractions around the country. No other group of people, on the basis of their association with an employer, gets this privilege. Not one other group on this scale.

So when I see a military community member go off on yet another rant about being “denied” a military discount, I just shake my head. It reads as entitled to grouch about that sort of stuff. Can you see that, too?

Instead of putting on our grownup pants and just getting on with our day, discount or not, you’re grumbling about this “denial.” Oh, poor you, not getting another thing for free or cheaper.

Listen, you’re not entitled to get cheaper goods or upgraded services because of who pays you or who you married. Sure, it’s a great perk and one I fully admit to enjoying as just that – a pleasant and unexpected bonus, the cherry on top of a sundae.

I’m not due anything for free or cheaper. And neither are you.

Do you think that the expectation for military discounts has gotten out of control? Sound off in the comments!

General David Berger was confirmed at the new Commandant of the Marine Corps in July and he hasn’t wasted any time laying out his ideas for reshaping the Corps. Top on his list: making major changes to how Marines handle maternity leave.

Berger has called the USMC’s current maternity leave policy “inadequate,” citing it as “failing to keep up with societal norms.”

Currently, Marines are allowed 12 weeks of convalescent leave following the birth of a child for the primary caregiver, typically the mother. They do have the option of splitting their leave into 6 weeks increments, delayed as much as a year, or even transferring a portion of the 12 weeks to their active duty partner.

Retaining Marines Amid Modern Parenthood

Berger has committed to this maternity leave policy proposal, although it remains in the exploratory phase currently.

“We should never ask our Marines to choose between being the best parent possible and the best Marine possible,” Berger explains in a prepared statement. “Our parental / maternity leave policies are inadequate and have failed to keep pace with societal norms and modern talent management practices.”

Berger recognizes that Marines must often choose between their commitment to the Corps and their role as a parent. Ultimately, forcing this choice prevents them from adequately serving in either role.

“These outcomes should never be in competition to the extent that success with one will come at the expense of the other,” he states.

While the current year-long maternity leave remains a proposal under consideration for the time being, it also signals a seachange for the USMC’s policies about parenthood.

“We fully support the growth of our Marine families, and will do everything possible to provide parents with opportunities to remain with their newborns for extended periods of time,” Berger’s statement continues. “In the future, we will consider up to one-year leaves-of-absence for mothers to remain with their children before returning to full duty to complete their service obligations.”

Maternity Leave Changes in the USMC, DoD

The last time the USMC’s maternity leave policy was updated was in 2018, the same time the general DoD parental leave policy was changed.

Birthing mothers receive up to 6 weeks of convalescent leave under the current DoD policy. This can be combined with up to 6 weeks of parental leave for mothers who also serve as the primary caregiver.

Policies supporting flexibility were also added to the USMC’s plan. Mothers can transfer time to their active duty spouse or take maternity leave in chunks, delaying their leave by up to one year following birth.

Currently, leave for primary caregivers of adopted children and secondary caregivers is limited to a maximum of 21 days. Weekends are counted as leave days under this policy.

Previously, there was a brief period in 2016 when Navy and Marine moms-to-be were allotted up to 18 weeks of maternity leave.

Advances in Understanding for Parents

Studies in the last several years have pointed to the need for an extended recovery period for mothers. Dr. Julia Wray, of Suffolk, England, conducted a survey of new mothers at important milestones post-birth. She concluded that it can take up to a full year to recover from childbirth, with some issues lingering for years.

“The research shows that more realistic and woman-friendly postnatal services are needed, Dr. Wray explains. “Women feel that it takes much longer than six weeks to recover and they should be supported beyond the current six to eight weeks after birth.”

US Lags Behind Other Major Nations

That the USMC should propose such a drastic change in maternity leave policy signals a major seachange. Typically, the US offers zero paid weeks of maternity or paternity leave.

Under the Family and Medical Leave Act, employees in certain positions and companies are allowed up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave, with the guarantee of a position upon their return to work. Any paid maternity or paternity leave policies are up to the individual companies or agencies. Additional income support may be individually purchased to help cover maternity convalescent leave.

Currently, the US is the only major developed nation to provide no paid leave following childbirth. It is only one of 8 total nations to do so worldwide, according to NPR. All other nations provide at least some form of paid parental leave. Eighty-two provide less than 14 weeks, while over 100 provide between 14 weeks and more than 52 weeks of paid leave.

While 99 nations worldwide do not provide paid parental leave, 94 countries provide at least some leave. Forty-six countries allow less than 3 weeks of paid parental leave, 5 nations provide up to 13 weeks and 43 governments allocated more than 14 weeks of paid paternal leave.

Still Room for Parental Leave Improvements

While the USMC’s policy proposal is a major shift in thinking, there is still room for improvement.

Adding extra paternity leave is not included in this initial proposal or guidance statement. The inclusion of weekends and federal holidays as part of the current paternity leave policy is also not discussed.

Adoptive and foster parents are not expressly mentioned by Berger. Currently, they are covered under the paternal leave policy providing 6 weeks of leave for the addition of a new child.

What do you think about expanding maternity and/or paternity leave for military troops? Sound off in the comments!

Approximately 20,000 or more military families currently use SNAP or WIC to help feed their families. Now, President Donald Trump wants to further cut these programs in 2020. At the same time, Trump has also refused to support measures that would provide additional food security protections for military families.

Trump is proposing changes to how the income qualifying threshold is calculated, in addition to adding employment requirements. This could result in an estimated 3.1 million Americans losing access to SNAP, the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program.

Among those losing access: thousands of military families.

White House Nixes Support Proposal for Low-Income Military Families

According to a 2016 Government Accountability Office report, more than 23,000 active-duty troops used SNAP, once known as food stamps, in 2013.

Actually qualifying for assistance is complicated by the income requirements, which currently include BAH to determine household income. Military advocate Erika Tebbens understands this exact issue.

“When they told me I didn’t qualify because they were counting our housing allowance as part of our earned income, all I remember was just sobbing,” Tebbens recalls.

This issue isn’t uncommon, according to Josh Protas, vice president of public policy for MAZON: a Jewish Response to Hunger. For most federal assistance programs, a service member’s BAH isn’t treated as income. That changes for SNAP, which includes BAH in its calculations.

These calculations, along with Trump’s proposed SNAP changes, put SNAP access for troops at risk.

Trump Refuses To Support, Acknowledge Food Insecurity for Military Families

Tebbens along with other military food security advocates, like Protas, have pushed for a military clause addressing food insecurity. It’s currently included in the House version of the 2020 defense policy bill.

This proposal would provide an allowance for military families equal to 130% of the federal poverty guidelines minus the service member’s gross income. It doesn’t include allowances, like BAH, in the gross income calculations.

According to a recent Congressional Budget Office (CBO) estimate, approximately 10,000 military families qualify for a proposed measure to address food insecurity.

Over four years, from 2021 through 2024, this would cost a total of $175 million. The current proposal covers only 2020 at a cost of $15 million.

Trump disagrees that military troops should need SNAP benefits, or other food insecurity support, at all.

In a July 9 statement, the White House “strongly objected” to the proposal since troops “receive appropriate compensation already.”

“Most junior enlisted members receive pay that is between the 95th and 99th percentiles relative to their private-sector peers,” the Office of Management and Budget asserted in a statement regarding the proposed provision.

Do Troops Receive Adequate Compensation?

An E-4 service member and family living in San Diego, a major military hub with a historically high cost of living, brings in about $5,270 per month. Almost half of that amount is BAH.

An NBC News report noted that at San Diego-area food trucks, many of the dozens lining up to receive food were military spouses.

Currently, San Diego cost of living is approximately 144% of the US average, making this duty station more expensive than many others. Other major military installations, like the DC-region, Alaska and Hawaii, all rank at higher than the average cost of living.

Even school-aged children are experiencing widespread food insecurity. A DoD report noted that 6,500 students at DoDEA schools nationwide were eligible for free or reduced lunch. This number accounts for about 1/3 of all DoDEA students. It doesn’t account for military-connected children enrolled at local public schools.

Given these statistics and anecdotal reports, budgets are likely tight for junior enlisted and even commissioned troops with families.

“Younger enlisted service members with large households are disqualified from getting the help they need from SNAP when their BAH gets treated as income,” Protas explained.

Ongoing Food Insecurity Concerns for Military Families

This issue previously garnered the spotlight in 2017 amind the last government shutdown. Some troops were not paid or had delayed paychecks, leading to gaps in income.

These stretched and limited incomes caused many military families to use food banks and other food security support services in their areas.

“There’s nothing wrong with turning to a food pantry for emergency assistance in time of need, but there’s no reason those serving in our armed forces should have to do so on a regular basis,” Protas said.

With the Trump administration’s proposed changes to SNAP, more military families may soon be turning to food banks as a means of keeping food on the table.

“While I never expected to be flush with cash as a military spouse, I always assumed, perhaps naively, when my husband joined that we would always have our basic needs met,” Tebbens commented.

Do you think military troops should include BAH in gross income when applying for SNAP or other food insecurity supports? Sound off in the comments!