Abuse. You think it means bruises and physical violence. Maybe aggressive name-calling and emotional torture. But putting conditions on and tying love to money is financial abuse – and it’s a real problem in the military community.
However, financial abuse is hard to spot. It’s so often hidden as budgeting or “being smart with spending.” Exerting so much control over finances, in such a way that one partner is subservient to the other, is abuse.
And we need to start talking about it ASAP.
We Need to Talk About Military Spouse Financial Abuse
What is financial abuse?
Simply put, it’s tightly controlling the spending, earning and maintaining financial resources. This can include:
- connecting use of joint accounts to “good behavior”
- denying access to debit or credit cards
- preventing a partner from working or controlling earnings
- down to the penny accounting for spending
That’s just the tip of the iceberg in terms of how finances and money can be used by one spouse to control the other.
It’s Happening Right Next Door
Your neighbor. The couple you know from the squadron or unit. You.
Spousal financial abuse is literally happening all around you – and you might never know it. It’s sneaky and easy to hide.
I’ll never forget the moment when a friend told me that she had “lost” her debit card. My immediate reaction was to call her bank and request a new one.
“No,” she explained. She’d simply lost the privilege of using the debit card connected to the joint account she shares with her husband. He felt justified in removing her access to money because…
Honestly, it doesn’t really matter why he took away her debit card. Not cleaning the house to his preference was one reason supplied. Another was not seasoning dinner to his liking. Her fitness level, style of dress, socializing with others.
There were endless reasons supplied over three or so years. Each one blamed her for something he didn’t “prefer.”
It’s About Control – Not Love
For my friend and everyone trapped in an abusive relationship, it’s all about control.
Abuse, no matter what form it takes, is always about control and power. It is never about love.
What financial abuse does particularly well is to remove the abused partner’s means of escape.
Leaving often requires some money to get started. Money for a bus, plane or train ticket. Cash for a hotel room or short-term lease. Even just a way to pay for a cab.
Without access to money, the abused spouse is effectively trapped.
Military Life Seems to Make This Easier
As Lizann Lightfoot noted in an article on Military.com, military budgets are often stretched to the very limit. With payday arriving every two weeks, military families – especially those who are young or have additional debts – might structure their spending around when money arrives in their account.
Creating a budget to account for spending, debt and frequency of income – that’s normal. It makes sense, especially for families who walk a financial tightrope.
But a lot of “common” money practices aren’t normal:
- hiding “his” money to pay for basics between payday
- losing access to accounts, credit cards or debit cards
- receiving a strict “allowance” to pay for all household basics
- giving over control of your paycheck entirely
- refusing you or your children the resources to pay for food, clothing, hygiene supplies or shelter
- refusing you access to participate in the financial planning aspect of the family
These six reasons are, again, just the tip of the iceberg of financial abuse. Whatever methods the abuser takes, the intent is always about power, control and limiting their partner’s access to resources.
Military life makes it uniquely easier, in a sense, for one person to gain that level of control over the other.
Moving every three years limits many spouses’ career or job options. Without a steady salary or income, it’s not uncommon to think about “they earn it all, so they can spend it as they see fit.” It’s a justification for limiting one partner’s access to finances.
When one partner controls all the income and expenses, without input from the other, that could be financial abuse.
What Can You Do?
In our community, we’re used to relying on others for support and resources. Financial abuse is no different.
If you suspect a friend or acquaintance is a victim of financial abuse:
- offer support: I’m here for you…
- help them process: How does it feel when…
- validate their feelings: Thanks for sharing…
- offer resources: Can I help you find…
- give them a way out: Could we make a plan, just in case…
Military spouses in abusive relationships of any type have resources built-in to help support their survival.
If you are in an abusive relationship, you can make a report. Your report will either be restricted or unrestricted.
Restricted reports:
- report to Family Advocacy Program clinicians or advocates, or to your PCM
- law enforcement is not involved
- chain of command is not involved
- access to counseling and an advocate to help formulate your next steps
Unrestricted reports:
- law enforcement conducts an investigation
- chain of command is involved
- support available from CoC includes no-contact order or protective order
- access to all Family Advocacy Program resources
- rights to access legal services
- assistance applying for transitional compensation
By reporting to command, financial allotments can also be set up to help the abused spouse stay financially stable during this period of transition.
In 1972, I was an Airman First Class (E-3) in the Air Force, when I was married. My First Sergeant had me bring my new bride in for a “sit down meet.” During this meeting, he explained many things to my wife: the Base Exchange, the Commissary, the health services, and the pay. He wanted to make sure that my new bride understood the financial situation and that my pay consisted of basic pay, separate rations, clothing allowance, and housing allowance and that the money for the housing allowance would be coming at the end of the month in a check to her. It seems that the military had to do this because some of my peers had gambled, drank, or just plain frittered away the rent money; leaving their wives without a roof over their heads. After I made Buck Sergeant (E-4), the housing allowance was then issued as part of my bi-monthly check. It was not long after that the practice of a separate check to the spouse was discontinued entirely.
In 1985, I was a Senior Master Sergeant (E-8) stationed at Langley AFB, in Hampton, Virginia, and I volunteered in the evenings with Family Services and I conducted “English as a Second Language Class.” This class was to help foreign-born spouses to become more comfortable speaking English. I tell you this because what follows was not just an Air Force issue. Within easy commuting distance to Langley AFB there was: Fort Eustis, the Naval Weapons Station, the Coast Guard Training Center, the Naval Air Station, and personnel assigned to ships under construction at Newport News Shipbuilding. This class was very popular and I had attendees who military spouses were in all the service branches.
The easiest way to get the spouses to speak was to have them talk about their day, what they did, what they learned, and other such non-judgmental events in their lives.
Since very few could read any English, most of the spouses shopped for groceries by looking at the pictures on the cans. One particularly amusing story was that one was very upset because she bought a three pound can of what she thought was fried chicken (pictured on the can) and after digging through the whole can it only contained cooking grease. It turned out she bought a can of Crisco Cooking Shortening…
But, on a serious note, the spouses also spoke about their financial hardships and this is where the stories take an ugly turn. It turned out that some of these spouses were trying to make ends meet on just the military spouse’s basic pay. Some of them did not know that their spouse’s pay also consisted of clothing, separate rations, housing allowance, HOLA, COLA, special duty pay, pro-pay, separation pay, and more. Some of these military spouses had sham marriages just so they could collect the extra allowances.
I even had a few stop by to threaten me for telling their spouses about their “sweet deals.” I thought this was especially funny since it was not me, but the foreign-born spouses who spoke to each other…
As a side note, whenever I became aware that one of the spouses was struggling because of this, I notified the military sponsor commander.
It was not long before I made Chief Master Sergeant (E-9) and I started doing the “sit down meets” with all newly married members of my unit. It seems that my unit’s first sergeants did not like doing this “welcome wagon” as they called it…
Besides the “light hearted stuff” about the BX, Commissary, base Hospital, etc… I made sure the new spouse had the phone numbers for the commander, the first sergeant, and me…
I’ve been retired since 2001 with after more than 30-years and I do not know how the various units within the various services handle new spouses now, especially foreign-born spouses, but I don’t believe it has changed one bit from that “tired old joke–if the military wanted you to have a wife, it would have issued you one…”
If the services do not do this now, I would highly recommend that they conduct a mandatory class for all newly married spouses and it does not matter if the military member is enlisted or officer. After more than 30-years of service, I’ve seen all kinds…
May I suggest a book written by Dave Ramsey? “Financial Peace” is a step by step process for staying out of debt or getting out of debt.
Love dave ,good book.
Pls also consider the other side, service person gives their entire pay to the nonservice person. The service person is given an allowance so that the nonservice spouse can pay the Bill’s. But what happens is that the nonservice person would spend the money on things that she wanted and kept whatever was remaining in a sole bank account for herself. She was actually stealing from the family.
This is a follow-up to my previous posting on this subject and an issue brought up by Kris in the previous posting.
In today’s world of instant communication and information even a deployed military spouse has easy access to his or her bank and other organizations that the family income goes to: (car loans, mortgage payments, credit card balance and expenses, cable, internet, etc…).
With that being said, both spouses should be intimately involved in the finances of the home; and later, as the children grow, the kids should be brought in so they understand that their parents are not made of money and that all the data they are “burning up” on their phone is not free.
Whether the husband does the grocery shopping or the wife, both should know what the groceries cost, the same with the credit card, the car payment, and so on. No one spouse should be handling all the money, the expenses, the payments, etc… Depending on each individual situation, the family should sit down periodically (weekly, bi-monthly, etc…) and discuss the financial situation; how it’s going and where it’s going… Even if a family member is deployed, Skyping with the family back home is relatively easy and should continue. Especially during these times, it is even more important that the deployed member is kept abreast of what’s happening back home, finances, kids, school, the house, car, everything, not just, “Oh Honey, I miss you so much…”.
This is how every marriage should be, sharing all that is life. This way the one spouse knows that the other is not selfishly spending money on oneself; whether it be the car, the personal items, or even hording money.
As a side note, after my assignment to Langley AFB, I was assigned to Goodfellow AFB, TX. While there, I volunteered with the Family Support Activity and offered a financial assistance program to help young service members (the Technical Schools are multi-service…) set up budgets and track expenses. I did not act as an agent to get their payments lowered. It was strictly advice and support. But what amazed me was the young folks who were paying high cable bills with a lot of premium channels (HBO, SHOWTIME, STARZ, CINEMAX, ESPN, etc…), yet they still wanted to budget in funds for trip to the movie theater (with drinks and snacks…).
It’s bad enough when the services waste Billions of dollars on wasted projects and equipment, especially considering the these programs are being controlled and watched over by personnel with advanced financial degrees; how do we expect a young service member who may not even have earned a single pay check prior to joining to suddenly control their finances without a little help.
So, in conclusion, the all military branches should conduct mandatory “Get to Meet the Military” for both spouses of young service members even if the member is married prior to joining the service. This briefing would be all inclusive: Exchange/Commissary privileges, the hospital, clubs, pay and allowances, Morale and Welfare, etc…