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How to Prevent Conflict When Your In-Laws Visit You

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Many military couples host their in-laws, friends and extended family members during the summer months. Afterall, what’s the point of being stationed in Hawaii, if your house doesn’t become a revolving door for cousins who want to spend time with you, but also enjoy having you as their tour guide and your house as a free hotel room. You are happy to host them as your guests until you realize you are spending way more money on groceries when they are staying with you.

How to Prevent Conflict When Your In-Laws Visit You

Are hosting guests a financial strain on your budget? Can you ask your parents to buy the groceries when they are staying with you? Will your father-in-law watch your kids for date night?

What happens where you as the host feel like you can’t afford (or don’t want) to pay the costs associated with guests. This conflict over who pays seems like a source of unspoken frustration among military spouses.

A military spouse posted this question in a Facebook group:

When your relatives come to visit you, who pays for stuff? You or them? Can you ask them to help out around the house when they are staying with you?

Some military spouses responded saying they believe that guests shouldn’t pay or chip in with housework, ever. Your guests are on vacation and might have dropped serious cash to get there. The hosts should pick up the tab along with the extra work.

Others were firmly on the opposite end of the spectrum. Visitors are getting free lodging so assisting with cooking, cleaning, child care or groceries is a fair trade.

Most military spouses agreed that every situation is unique. Cost of travel and budget were factors that everyone considered. Others talked about the frequency of visits and reciprocity of the expectations when the host/guest roles are reversed.

Where is the disconnect?

Almost everyone agreed that family visits can be a huge source of conflict, especially when the in-laws are involved.

The heart of these might be a lack of shared cultural, familial history. It could be that your mother-in-law comes from a family where hosts have historically paid for everything. Maybe this is how it worked with her own mother-in-law!

When the visit or your guest’s expectations don’t go as you thought, it can cause frustration. Over time, with visit after visit, the frustration turns to anger which turns to resentment.

How can you prevent family vacation conflicts?

It all comes down to communication! If things are going well, you’re probably on the same wavelength. When you’re feeling frustrated during a family visit, it’s time to have a friendly sit-down.

First, decide what you are comfortable doing as a host. What makes you frustrated or upset? Is it having to do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping and paying? Are you comfortable with splitting things in different ways? What do you want your guests to help, or not help, with?

Be very clear with yourself and your spouse. Knowing where you are willing to compromise is just as important as your hard limits.

Solve family visit conflicts

Start neutrally:

“What do you want to do tomorrow?”

Share a few different activities that everyone can enjoy and bring out brochures. Talk about price and ask if this activity is in their budget. You could do this with any part of your trip from tourist attractions to meal planning to paying for gas.

Sit down with your visitors to plot out the events and meals that will happen during the vacation. Ask about which activities fit their budget. Share unique eating experiences in your area at a variety of price points and ask which ones they think will best suit them. Invite them to go grocery shopping with you.

For slightly more complicated situations, you might need to be more to the point. Request politely and kindly that your guest helps you.

You could try:

  • While I cook the main course, could you prep the salad?
  • Please feel free to bring your favorite drinks with you, as we mostly drink water.
  • Would you be able to step in with the kids while I (go for a run, head to the store, do this chore)?

Another route is giving praise for desired actions:

  • Thanks so much for putting on the coffee! I so appreciate having hot coffee when I woke up today!
  • The kids love spending time with you, especially since we live so far apart. I know they’re over the moon to just be with you!
  • You make such good (food item)! We’d love to share this special meal with you! Could we make it together?
  • It’s so nice to have your help (sorting the laundry, emptying the dishwasher, walking the dog)! Thanks!

Often it could just take a nudge or gentle push to move your guests to help you, if that’s what you want.

What happens in a stand-off?

You might find yourself between a rock and a hard place. You’re super uncomfortable in your own home and stretched beyond your limits.

The first conversation should be with your spouse. Decompress and share your frustrations with him or her. Explain what would make this visit better or at least slightly easier. Then create a plan of action to find a solution. You and your spouse should take this on as a team.

If your conflict is with a member of your own family, you should handle it. For in-law issues, your spouse should take the lead. Yes, these conversations will be awkward and uncomfortable, but they need to happen. Not talking about it is a recipe for more anger and resentment in the future.

Start small and use lots of “I feel” statements.

“I feel very tired after working all day and taking care of the kids. It’s overwhelming for me to cook dinner by myself for everyone every night.”

Talk about the good points of the visit, too. Share fun experiences that you’ve done together or how much their visit means to your kids. Then make your big ask. What is it that would make the visit more enjoyable for you as the host?

“I love spending time with you, but doing all the cooking and then all the cleaning makes it hard to do that. Would you be willing to dry if I wash?”

If your concern is financial, be upfront about that, too.

“We love going to all these great places, but we are really watching our bottom line right now. We cannot afford to pay for everyone in our group to go. Can we find another solution?”

Your guests might be genuinely surprised to hear your frustrations!

While it might be really uncomfortable, you could find solutions that work for everyone. Even if things aren’t 100% better, at the very least, you’ve shared your feelings.

If things remain at a stand-off, consider ways to meet on neutral territory. You could pick a location in the middle where you can both stay in hotels or shorten their visits, if possible.

How do you have handled host/guest conflicts? Share your best tips in the comments!

Should Military Spouses Have a Spending Allowance?

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Not long ago, women were expected to marry, have children, and live a life dedicated to home and husband.

It was what society told women they could and should do. Money, like education, was deemed too complicated for women, despite the fact that managing a home required the ability to budget and plan.

In fact, it wasn’t until the beginning of the 20th century that women were legally seen as independent financial beings, capable of holding property and wealth separate from her father or her husband. It took another 70 years before women could open a credit card account without a husband co-signer.

But for all of this progress and financial independence, some modern-day women find themselves at the whim of their husbands, financially speaking.

When first presented with the idea that some stay-at-home military wives are granted an “allowance” for taking care of the household necessities, I was more than a little dumbfounded.

Should Military Spouses Have an Spending Allowance?

After nearly 20 years of marriage, I will admit that money issues are at the top of the list of things we argue about.

Is this practice a way for controlling husbands to keep their wives on a short spending leash?

Does it imply that these military spouses are incapable of handling money? Or that they are untrustworthy?

Can a healthy military marriage survive this kind of arrangement?

Is a Spending Allowance a Trust Issue?

In Kristine Schellhaas’s book, “15 Years of War,” she recounts her life as a Marine Corps spouse, including her time spent as the leader of the unit spouse organization. During that time, she often counseled young Marines headed out on deployment to ensure their spouses had access to their bank accounts.

Turns out, many of these same Marines said “I do” in a hurry because of the deployment and the idea of giving financial access to someone they hardly knew (wife or not) was a bit daunting.

I certainly can’t begrudge them for their concerns, but like Schellhaas pointed out to these Marines, a great many more problems could arise should a spouse be left without access.

A set allowance hardly provides wiggle room for emergencies or unexpected expenses and in times when a service member isn’t available on a routine basis, it’s not hard to imagine the difficulties a military spouse might face.

But these newly married military spouses aren’t the only ones earning an “allowance.”

The Monetary Worth of a Stay-At-Home Spouse

While a get-hitched-get-deployed kind of marriage might suffer from a few trust issues, it’s hardly the kind of thing one would expect from a couple who married under less time-constrained circumstances. However, a quick search of military spouse forums reveals that many military families operate in this fashion.

Since a stay-at-home spouse doesn’t have an employer, the monetary value of the work they do is often hard to estimate. According to Salary.com if stay-at-home mothers were paid for their work at a similar rate as someone employed full-time, they would earn well into 6 figures.

But it seems in some cases, stay-at-home spouses feel guilty asking for money as they don’t directly contribute financially to a family’s income. They are left feeling less valuable than their paycheck-earning spouse and an allowance, while possibly intended as a way of providing some financial freedom, often ends up feeling like payment for services rendered.

Hardly a healthy outlook for a marriage between 2 competent and loving adults.

A Rose by Any Other Name

Discussion of this issue often calls out the controversy that stems from the use of the word “allowance?” It tends to imply one spouse wielding financial power over another.

But, if it were termed “monthly budget” would so many cringe at the thought? If both spouses were limited to an “allowance” would we find less to critique?

After nearly 20 years of marriage, I will admit that money issues are at the top of the list of things we argue about. I have and often still suffer from feelings of guilt in knowing I am capable of earning as much as my spouse, but my income, due to choices we have made as a family, is dwarfed by my active-duty spouse. And there have been plenty of times when we have limited ourselves to an allowance to ensure we stayed on budget.

What I can’t condone, however are those instances where an allowance is used as a power grab. For me, a healthy marriage means both spouses are equally responsible for the well-being of their family, be it earning a paycheck or managing a household. And as long as couples openly discuss spending expectations, whether you call it an allowance or not is really of little consequence. Communicating openly and honestly about your money to each other benefits your marriage.

Now it’s your turn. What do you think of allowances for military spouses?

8 Financial Stressors Military Couples Face and How to Overcome Them

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There are many things that set military couples apart from civilians, but financial stressors we all share. Sure military families have different financial stressors than civilian families, but they are there nonetheless.

Here are 8 financial stressors military families face and how to overcome them.

8 Financial Stressors Military Couples Face and How to Overcome Them

Not Agreeing on How to Handle Finances

Most couples are made up of one spender and one saver. This can be great as the saver can keep the spender in check and the spender can get the saver to live a little. When a couple can’t decide together how best to handle money, financial stressors occur.

To overcome this, sit down and talk to each other. Set aside time when children are not around and there are no interruptions so that you can have a serious financial discussion. Don’t leave the table until a decision has been made.

Not Communicating

Communication is key in a healthy relationship. If you are not being honest with yourself or your spouse about spending, more financial stressors will occur.

Do you hide shopping bags in your car until your spouse isn’t home so they don’t see how much shopping you’ve done?

Ask yourself why you feel the need to do so. Did you spend more than you should of? Are you worried they will be upset with you for this?

Not Creating a Budget

Forget financial stressors, money-conscious couples that set budgets have less stress. Knowing how much money is coming in and going out will bring relief.

Knowing that you have enough money to pay all the bills by allocating money each month will set fears aside. As a couple, decide how much money you want to save and how much you’re comfortable spending each month.

Putting Off Saving for Retirement

When you’re young and facing bills, saving for retirement might be the last thing on your mind. Savvy savers know that saving now for retirement can alleviate financial stressors. You can contact a financial planner, attend a saving for retirement seminar or do your own research.

The sooner you start saving for retirement, the better off you’ll be when the time comes.

Not Having an Emergency Savings

It is recommended to have an emergency fund with the greater of either 2 weeks’ worth of pay or $1,000. You can use an emergency fund calculator to determine the right amount that your family should save. When an unexpected event occurs that brings in a large bill, financial stressors arise. Help lower the stress by having a plan already in place.

Taking on More Debt Than You Can Handle

You and your spouse need to be realistic on what you can afford. Keeping up with the Joneses is what gets military families into trouble.

If you can’t afford it, don’t buy it.

Just because your neighbor has a new car or put in a pool does not mean that you need to do the same thing.

How many financial stressors do you need in your life?

Is trying to keep up with the social status of your neighbors or friends worth the burden?

Be realistic with your wallet. If you can’t afford the payments on a new car, maybe you don’t need such an expensive one.

Struggling with Finances on Your Own During a Deployment

When your spouse is deployed and you are unable to communicate immediately or even frequently, financial decisions are often made on your own.

It can be extremely frustrating when financial stressors arise during a deployment. You don’t have your significant other to help you make a decision and are forced to deal with it on your own.

Setting time aside before your spouse deploys to discuss what to do in this instance can help significantly.

Not Expecting a Baby to Change Your Finances Dramatically

If you don’t have children yet, you might not understand this but it is true. Children are expensive. The more you have, the more it will cost you. Having a child unexpectedly can create financial stressors if you aren’t prepared. Not everyone gets the opportunity to plan ahead for a growing family, but if you are able to plan financially for your little one, life will be a little easier.

Which of these financial stressors is your military family facing? How are you planning to overcome them?