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Calling Military Spouses ‘Simply Civilians’ Really Gets Under My Skin

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“Military spouses are just civilians.”

“Spouses are not military; they are civilians like everyone else.”

“Just because you are married to someone in the military doesn’t mean you are in the military, quit saying you are.”

Have you heard any of these phrases before?

I have.

I have even had to backtrack when someone assumed that I had served too because I said something about how “we” were in the military when talking about our experiences as a military family. That was frustrating.

I get it.

As military spouses we are not actually IN the military. I am not sure many military spouses think they are. However, life is different when you are married to someone in the military. Life is more complicated and just so different from life in a civilian family.

When my husband joined the military, everything changed. We had spent about 3 years as a married couple before he joined. When he signed up, everything was different. We were no longer a civilian family, we were a military one.

Having lived both types of lives, I see a huge difference. When people tell me they are similar, I just have to laugh. Life could be exactly the same for some military spouses, but that has not been my personal experience at all. Life changed when he enlisted.

Although military spouses are technically civilians and not in the military themselves, hearing that we are “simply civilians” can seem a bit shallow.

Hearing that can make you feel like you don’t matter or that what you have been though doesn’t matter. Hearing those words can cause military spouses to feel like they are not a part of the military when they really are.

The truth is, when you are married to a member of the military, you are not living a civilian lifestyle, you are living a military one. The military has a lot of say over your life. They tell you where you need to live, when your spouse will be home, if you will have to go months and months without seeing them, whether you can go on vacation, etc. Living a military life is very different from living a civilian one.

Before the military my husband worked a job where he left at about 7 a.m. and was home before 5 p.m. He could take time off without much issue. If he was sick, he didn’t have to go anywhere, he would just pick up the phone and call in. If we wanted to go somewhere, he didn’t have to get a special pass to go further then 250 miles. He didn’t have to get his leave approved only to have that taken away at the last minute. Life was simpler because although he had a boss and an employer, they didn’t have the same type of control over him that the military would.

We should stop saying that military spouses are “simply civilians” because it just doesn’t make any sense to do so. Yes, we know that military spouses didn’t sign up to serve in the military. We understand that but there is no reason to call us civilians. Doing so puts up a wall that doesn’t need to be there.

So what are military spouses? If we are not serving in the military but we are not quite civilians, what are we? Some sort of hybrid?

Half military, half civilian? I don’t like that description either.

I think we are military spouses and we should be called just that. Military spouses are the backbone of the military community. They are the ones that can support the military service member and help them through their career.

How do you feel when someone points out that military spouses are “simply civilians?”

When I Remember 9/11

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I was in my last semester of college when 9/11 happened. I remember that morning well, all these years later. I was sleeping because I was on the West Coast. I remember waking up and wondering why President George W. Bush was talking about a plane crash on the radio. Doing so seemed like an odd thing to do. I got up, turned on the TV and was in shock.

How I Remember Sept. 11, 2001

How do you choose to remember 9/11?

9/11 was when the world changed although we didn’t really know how at that moment.

I didn’t know how that morning would change the rest of my life. I had no idea.

At the time I was dating my husband. We were not engaged yet but knew we would get married. He was in the IRR (Individual Ready Reserve) at the time. That meant that he could be called up if something big happened. I think 9/11 would count as “something big.”

That was the first time I ever thought of myself as being a military spouse. A war bride. Someone who waited at home while her spouse was off at war. I thought he could get called up. That was in the back of my mind the whole day.

In the end he did not get called up but in 2005 he did join the Army and I became a military spouse. He has been deployed 4 times, to either Iraq or Afghanistan. The wars that started on that day in September.

The day that changed everything. 9/11/01, a day we will never forget.

As a military spouse I have deep and emotional feelings about 9/11. We found out that people could hurt Americans on that day. That we were not safe just because we were on the other side of the world from people who wanted to do us harm. The terrorists spent a lot of time, money and manpower to pull what happened on 9/11 off. They surprised us. They shocked us in a way we never could have imagined.

Because of what happened that day, our country fought back. We went to Afghanistan and Iraq and my husband was apart of that. It is weird to think about an event like this changing your own life in a personal way. When the tragedy first happened, I knew life would change things but I didn’t know how.

On that morning, I went to my classes at my college and that is all we talked about. Because it was so early and social media was not around back then, some students didn’t know about what had happened until they got to class. That morning was very strange. I don’t remember the words that were said in my classes but I do know we needed to talk about what happened.

That early we didn’t even know who was responsible or what the U.S. was going to do because of what happened. All we knew was that terrorists had come over to our country and killed a lot of people.

On that day in September, everything changed. From the way we get on an airplane to the way our U.S. military is handed. You hear people talk about the “Pre- 9/11” years in the Army and they are very different then what we experience now.

New York was never going to be the same. America was never going to be the same and military families were never going to be the same.

Every year we think about 9/11.

We think about the people who didn’t make it. The heroes. We think about the babies born around that time who are now teenagers and have only heard stories about what happened in their birth year.

We think about the soldiers, the airmen, the Marines and the other military members who fought for us after 9/11 who were lost in battle. We think about all of them because now, in 2015, what happened that day is something we can’t ever forget. It is something that will always be with us.

How do you choose to remember 9/11?

Parents Should Be Ashamed of Facebook Parenting Shaming

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Recently I have heard about some military spouses posting photos of other people’s children on their base’s military spouse Facebook pages. They are doing this because these children are misbehaving.

The children are doing things such as throwing trash in the park, picking on other kids or doing something else the poster feels isn’t right. I am not saying that what the kids are doing is OK, behaving that way clearly isn’t, but posting what they are doing on Facebook isn’t a good thing to do either.

Posting photos of other people’s kids on Facebook when your intent is to shame them is not OK.

Facebook Parenting Shaming Is Not OK

What are we teaching our kids and teens when we take part in Facebook shaming too?

Doing so is judgmental and you never really know the story behind why a kid is doing what they are doing. The better thing to do would be to notify the kid’s parent and leave things at that.

I know my kids do not behave 100 percent of the time at 100 percent of the places we go. No one has kids that do. I have carried a screaming child out of the PX more times than I would like to admit. Those moments happen.

We as parents do the best we can do to train our children. Sometimes they act out anyway. We can take those experiences to teach our children that we do not act that way.

If my son was throwing trash on the ground, it would be a good chance to teach him about why we don’t do such a thing. His photo does not need to appear on Facebook in order to get that message across to him.

I am glad that there was not Facebook when I was growing up. As an adult I can step away from the drama but our kids are growing up in a time where anything can be captured on camera and shared with others.

What are we teaching our kids and teens when we take part  in Facebook shaming too?

Doing so teaches them that posting like that is OK. Posting those photos is telling them that it is fine to single someone out on a bad day and make that bad day last forever.

We need to step away from posting shameful photos on Facebook. Whether a kid is doing something they shouldn’t or an adult isn’t dressed the way we think they should be, posting about it on Facebook is being a bully. We want to be the people who our kids look up to and learn from. We as adults should know better and do better.

How do you handle kids who aren’t behaving in base housing? Do you talk to them? Do you talk to their parents? Or do you post your complaint about their behavior on a Facebook military spouse page?

Years ago, public shaming might have meant standing on a street corner holding a sign. The kid who stole a candy bar might be made to stand in front of the store. Yes, people saw the child and he learned his lesson, but then the whole thing was over.

His face was not shared all over Facebook. He was not turned into a meme about good parenting. He was not shamed like that for years and years by strangers.

We really need to think about what social media can do to kids. We don’t want to make things worse than they are by taking part in the Facebook shaming.

When we see parenting shaming being done, we need to speak up so that the posting will stop. That makes for a better world both on Facebook and off.

What do you think of parenting shaming on Facebook?

Resources for New Mothers Struggling with Postpartum Depression

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You’re having a baby. Congratulations! What a wonderful, exciting and terrifying time. Let’s add a PCS in there to help those already fluctuating hormones. If this is you, take a deep breath and find comfort that you are not the first milspouse to be expecting, moving and seeing your spouse off all at the same time. You are not alone.

Resources for New Mothers Struggling with Postpartum Depression

Knowing the signs of postpartum depression and recognizing it in yourself is the first step.

There is a great network of support out there for you; you just need to know how to find it and we’re here to help.

I am a planner. Things don’t always work out the way you want it to though, especially when you’re married to the military.

We planned and conceived our child while on shore duty and when I was 6 months into the pregnancy we PCSed from Florida to Virginia. I went from a small town I knew well where I had a job, friends and family to a big city where I had to find new doctors on my own while my husband went through chief’s initiation (read never home). He came home one day and told me he would be deploying shortly after our son would be born. That is a lot for a pregnant woman to handle.

Pregnancy hormones are often talked about and every woman’s experience is different. This was my first pregnancy. I was pretty optimistic, a happy person that took things in stride. I was very excited about our new life adventure. Basically, I was on a happy stride during my pregnancy. Then the baby came. What goes up must come down, or so the saying goes. I was so happy to be a new mother, to hold our precious 5.7 pound peanut and to have my husband here for the delivery. When I went home though, my hormones changed as my body adjusted to motherhood.

People don’t really talk about postpartum depression as a personal experience. It wasn’t until I had my baby that so many friends told me how depressed they were after giving birth.

How could anyone be depressed at having a wonderful child of their own? It isn’t something you can control, that’s how.

I consider myself a very strong person and didn’t want to admit to myself, let alone anyone else, that this could be something that I would face personally. But how do you deal with it?

Resources for New Mothers Struggling with Postpartum Depression

People don’t really talk about postpartum depression as a personal experience. Source: Photosavvy via flickr

Knowing the signs of postpartum depression and recognizing it in yourself is the first step; being brave enough to get help is the next. Postpartum Progress puts it in simple terms with a list of questions you should ask yourself. Does this sound like you?

  • You feel completely overwhelmed and helpless.
  • You feel guilty for feeling this way and that you are a terrible person for not being happy as you think you should be.
  • You want to hurt your baby or yourself or to run away from your family.
  • You feel angry, annoyed, irritated, sad or nothing at all.
  • You just know you are not yourself.

If this sounds like you, then reach out and get help. It might be terrifying, you might feel ashamed to admit it to friends or family, but you will feel so much better when you do. There are many resources for milspouses:

  • Utilize Tricare and talk to your doctor. She can give you a referral to a specialist.
  • Military OneSource is a free resource specifically for military families. They offer online support, live calls and links to find in-person help. I also like their guide to having a baby while your spouse is deployed.
  • Postpartum Support International offers live phone sessions where you can speak with a certified specialist. There are local support groups you can join and online resources as well.

    Resources for New Mothers Struggling with Postpartum Depression

    What resources would you recommend for new moms?

  • MOPS, Mothers of Preschoolers, is a wonderful group. It’s actually for moms of children from birth through kindergarten. It isn’t a postpartum depression group; it’s a group of mothers that laugh, cry, eat and talk about motherhood. If you are struggling in any way, go meet some other moms. You’ll learn you aren’t alone. I did.
  • Milspouses are great resources too. Talk to your best friend, your neighbor, your FRG leader or ombudsman. Just talking to another grownup can make a difference. Getting out of your pajamas and out of the house often can as well. Go to a spouse brunch or say yes to an invitation to coffee.
  • Talk to your spouse. This should be the first step, but for some it’s the hardest.

No matter which route you take, there is help out there for you. Reading this article was your first step, which one will you take next? Remember you are not alone.

What resources would you recommend for new moms?

No Longer Active: 5 Tips for the Transition from Active Duty to National Guard Family

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It’s been almost a year since my husband ended his time as an active duty soldier. The very next day he joined the National Guard. Going to the Guard wasn’t an easy decision to make but it is what we felt was best at the time.

Since we did not move away from the Army post we had been living at, we have not experienced some of the things others do such as not having a supportive military community nearby. We still shop at the commissary, attend military family events and I have a lot of military spouse friends in the area.

The last year has been a bit difficult as we get used to our new role in the U.S. military. Being a part of the National Guard has a few things in common with being active duty but there are also a lot of differences and the transition can be a bit overwhelming.

5 Tips for the Transition from Active Duty to National Guard

When transitioning from active duty to the National Guard, you need to know how your new insurance works and which doctors take the new insurance.

Here are 5 tips for a better transition based on my own experiences with my husband:

1. Save money. You are going to need extra money during this time. You might need the money to move but you also will need it to fill in any pay gaps. If your service member is going to take time off between the Army and his civilian job, you need to prepare for that. You do have to wait a little longer than normal for their last active duty paycheck. Keep that in mind as you are making plans. You don’t want to get yourselves in a difficult situation because of lack of funds.

2. Learn about insurance. One of the hardest parts of the transition was changing our insurance. If you decide to buy your insurance through the Guard, which will be about $200 a month for a family, you will also have to pay more at appointments. If you were on Tricare Prime, this will be a shock. After years of not having to pay anything when I took my kids to the doctor, I got a bill. That was hard to get used to. You need to know how your new insurance works and which doctors take the new insurance. My doctor does not take Tricare Reserve Select so I had to find a new doctor.

3. Have a plan A, plan B and a plan C. Sometimes your plans won’t work out. You need to have backup plans. You might think a certain job is going to be right for your family and then you realize that the job really isn’t. Finding your new normal can be a bit difficult. Your spouse might have trouble adjusting to a different type of job. Give yourself some time to work things out.  It takes a while to get into a new groove.

5 Tips for the Transition from Active Duty to National Guard

Reach out to other National Guard spouses during the transition.

4. Connect with others. Finding other Guard spouses to talk to was very helpful. I had a few questions that I knew they would know the answers to. If you really don’t know anyone else in the Guard you can always look for an online group. Finding these people can be a great way to make some new friends for your new stage of life.

5. Except a change of identity. Sometimes it won’t even feel like you are a military family anymore. This can be hard since that used to be such a big part of your life. He will live a civilian life when he does not have his Guard duties. Then, he will put on his uniform to get ready to go to drill and you will be reminded that he is very much a part of the military. It is a strange feeling after active duty life.

Have you transitioned from active duty to Reserves or Guard life recently? What surprised you about this lifestyle change?