military promotion

There are to-do lists, grocery lists, PCS packing lists, duty station bucket lists and holiday wish lists.

But there is a single list that can turn an ordinary day into a reason to celebrate or a reason to be discouraged — The promotion list.

The hours spent in preparation for a board, the extra PT to improve to max out points, even the completion of college classes, have all been done in an effort to jump up a rung on the military rank ladder.

And when that day comes there are rounds of congratulations, celebratory dinners and toasts to the newly promotable. Social media posts proclaim the good news, but only for those selected.

What about when the promotion doesn’t come?

Dealing with the disappointment isn’t easy. In fact, with so much vested in advancement, not seeing your service member get the promotion you know they deserve can be downright depressing. But like so many other things in life, the right perspective can help take away the sting.

When the Military Promotion Doesn't Come

Enduring these moments of disappointment can strengthen your marriage.

Go Ahead and Vent

Feelings of disappointment, frustration and anger are normal and natural. Promotions are a big deal and feeling like your service member got passed over is never a pleasant feeling.

Sometimes you just need to let it out. Disappointment internalized can become bitterness and resentment, 2 emotions that are contrary to a military team environment.

It’s OK to express those feelings, just be cognizant of where and to whom you share them with. Avoid long rants on social media or outbursts in front of those who were selected.

If you can, find something constructive to do with all that negative energy. Clean your house, go for a run, bake up a storm, do whatever will help to take your mind off things for a while. Give yourself time to process all of those feelings, but then make sure you focus on something else.

Fixating on disappointment isn’t healthy. If you feel like your service member isn’t handling it well or dwells on those negative feelings for too long, make sure you reach out for help. Chaplains are a good place to start, but all military installations have mental health services readily available for service members and their families.

Be a Support System

Enduring these moments of disappointment can strengthen your relationship.

I can’t tell you how many times my spouse or other service members were sure to get a promotion, only to find their names missing from the list. Military services promote for positions they need to fill and sometimes the needs for one MOS or specialty is higher than another.

Promotions can sometimes feel quite arbitrary, and even deserving service members don’t get selected.

A conciliatory night out or a special dinner to show them how much you appreciate them might be in order. Just try to keep it lighthearted and positive. Remind them of all of the great things they have accomplished thus far.

Congratulate Those Who Made the List

Be graceful and congratulate those who did get selected for promotion. Our community is too small to let promotions affect our friendships and relationships. And next time, it might be you receiving the congratulations while someone else is left with the disappointment.

Remember that lack of promotion is not a demotion.

With so much energy focused on getting promoted, sometimes it’s easy to forget that just because you didn’t get promoted doesn’t mean that his or her military career is over. There are still opportunities for training that could see an increase in pay and potentially make selection for promotion the next time a shoo-in.

Start Preparing for Next Time

While there’s not a ton a military spouse can do to help a service member prepare for next time, try to be considerate and encouraging.

Volunteer to help quiz them for the board.

Be understanding when they stay an extra 30 minutes at the gym or sign up for training that looks good on their official record.

And most importantly, encourage them to keep at it.

How have you handled the disappointment when your spouse was not selected for promotion? Tell us about it in the comments section.

Promotions and retirements are marked with a ceremony and plenty of military pomp and circumstance. But in addition to all of the official protocols, a thoughtful gift can help show your support to their military career and provide a reminder of their years of service when it is time to retire or transition.

Do a quick online search and you’ll find thousands of vendors offering up some really great promotion or retirement gift ideas. It can be a little overwhelming.

How do you pick the right gift? The one that says “I support and love you” and “I am proud of your accomplishments?”

Here are 10 ideas to inspire you.

Military Retirement or Promotion Gifts Your Service Member Will Treasure

Have you given your service member a promotion gift that he or she loved?

For Promotion

The Traditional Black Pen

No soldier’s uniform is complete without a black pen, so they make a perfect gift. Just make sure the barrel isn’t too wide to fit into the pen slot on their uniform and make sure the color is within regulation. Have it engraved with the new rank and date of promotion or total days of service. You might even consider making this gift a tradition with each promotion. That way, you’ll have a whole collection when it comes time to transition or retire.

A Cup of Memories

Coffee, tea, water or beer, pick his or her favorite beverage and make it a promotion gift. Have it personalized to reflect the new rank or a motto that resonates with your spouse.

Books of Interest

Consider a military strategy book or a biography of a military hero as a gift. Make the gift even more special by asking members of the service member’s unit to add a note of encouragement to the inside pages.

Photographs

Make sure you take photos of the promotion ceremony and consider having professional photos taken with your newly promoted family member. If you are having a post-promotion celebration, make sure you take a group photo and have attendees sign the matting or a card that can be included when the picture is framed.

Tools of the Trade

As service members move up in the ranks, their responsibilities grow. Consider gifts that help them establish their office or help them in the field. Things like a name placard for their desk or a multi-purpose utility tool.

For Military Retirement

The Shadow Box

All of those old unit insignia, rank pins, medals and awards perfectly arranged into a piece of art. Go traditional or something a little more unique, shadow boxes are definitely not one-size-fits-all. Check out these ideas or if you’re feeling up to it, this gift makes for a great DIY project.

Flags

Many veterans like to fly flags in front of their homes. With a little advanced planning, you can request a U.S. flag that has been flown over the U.S. Capital. Or consider coordinating with the installation command of a favorite duty station and request a flag flown there.

If your service member is just beginning their career, consider purchasing a flag at your first duty station and have it flown at each one up until retirement! Just make sure you observe proper flag protocols as you take it from place to place. You might also consider a Corp or Branch flag. Check your local exchange or military surplus store to buy your flag.

Words of Wisdom

Ever hear that story about the Dad who bought a copy of “Oh, the Places You’ll Go” and had his child’s teacher’s sign it as she was growing up and then gave the book to her at graduation? As service members grow through the ranks, they serve with many leaders. Consider modifying this idea by finding a really great military leadership book and having unit leadership add a note to your service member as they depart each duty station.

Or use social media to reach out to those service members your spouse served with in the past and ask them to send you a card or note, along with a picture, that you can have printed into a bound memory book.

Memory Boxes

Kind of like a hope chest, memory or keepsake boxes are wooden chests used to house all of the memories of service. You could include a uniform, pictures, awards and all the other bits and pieces that come with a long military career.

A Lasting Impact

Consider donating to a nonprofit organization and purchasing a stone or plaque in your service member’s honor (Check out the Name-A-Seat program at the Pritzker Military Museum). This gift takes a little more research, but if there is a cause or location near and dear to your service member, this might be the perfect way to commemorate their service and give back at the same time.

When the Promotion Doesn’t Come