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How Is My Husband Always Gone For Mother’s Day And Home For Father’s Day?

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Ahhhhh, Mother’s Day. That glorious Sunday in May when mothers everywhere lounge luxuriously in bed.

We’re all peacefully waiting for our badly buttered toast to arrive, paired with an alcohol heavy mimosa. And then the whole family skips to brunch with happy, shiny faces.

Everything is right on Mother’s Day, as we celebrate the years of excruciating physical labor it takes to raise up a child. Many moms mark this occasion with flowers, wine, candy, cards and a trip to the spa.

Except for me.

And I’m guessing a bunch of other military spouses too.

Instead of my sweet baby angels bringing me cold cereal, I was awakened at zero dark thirty by my child screaming. I rolled over to nudge my husband, reminding him that it’s my day to sleep in, except, oh wait, I’m riding solo today.

Just like many Mother’s Days past, and certainly in the future as well, the military has thoughtfully scheduled field exercises today.

How Is My Husband Always Gone For Mother's Day And Home For Father's Day?

This year I’m observing delayed Mother’s Day on June 17, which just happens to be Father’s Day.

Guess who won’t have any work obligations on June 17 though? My husband.

Instead, he’ll probably be at the golf course celebrating Father’s Day. All alone. While I handle the kids by myself. Again.

Why is my husband always gone for Mother’s Day, but home for Father’s Day?

It seems like a cruel joke the military likes to play on me every year.

“Hahahaha, let’s leave all the non-active duty moms at home without their spouse today. Oh, but make sure the men are all home for Father’s Day. Can’t miss playing a few holes, am I right?”

Well, this year the joke’s on you, Dad! Because I’m observing delayed Mother’s Day due to scheduling conflicts. My personal Mother’s Day just happens to be on Father’s Day. Weird, right?

It seems like you might have had an OK time at your “exercise” in Seoul. I heard the all-you-can-eat Korean barbecue was delicious. The K-Pop karaoke looked fun too. I’m sure having a hotel room all to yourself with no one needing you to wipe their nose was pure torture.

Bonus: you got paid to be there!

Since you got your special day early, I’m going to go ahead and take mine right now.

When Dad’s Gone in May, Mom Plays in June

You’ll get to celebrate the joys of fatherhood the same way I basked in the glow of motherhood while you were gone. In short: alone.

That’s right, the kids are all yours today. Because you should spend Father’s Day celebrating with the precious little tykes who call you Dad.

Let’s start the day early. I’ll head out for a long sunrise run so that you can be the first face the kids see in the morning. Such a wonderful gift!

Next, you can enjoy a chilled coffee over soggy cereal. The handwritten cards will tug at your heartstrings.

Then, head out to the beach, pool or playground. Really, go wherever your heart desires. If you can get them to handle sitting in the cart, take them to the golf course. If not, mini golf is basically the same thing.

I won’t even be mad when you bring them back loaded up with sugar and sticky with melted ice cream. They have summer camp tomorrow!

While you’re out celebrating, I’ll make sure to prep the grill and food for you to cook when you return. I want you to have the honor of getting those steaks just right.

As for the middle part of the day, I was planning on having a working me-day. I’ll field some emails, check Facebook and then head off to be tortured at the spa. I’m talking brunch, massage, pedicure and facial. All while sipping champagne. It’s going to be terrible.

You can swing by to get me on your way back from mini golf.

How does your family handle missed holidays or special days? Share your tips in the comments!

Serving in the Army Is My Family’s Calling

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by Eric Gardner, Guest Contributor

The term family business has a menagerie of feelings and definitions depending upon who you ask. I prefer the term “calling” instead of “business,” since it casts a truer light upon my unique family past.

In the broad categories which define roles associated in our military culture I’ve held many of them.

Service member.

Military spouse.

Army brat.

I’ve worn these roles with pride. With more than 40 years of life vested in this unique and sometimes challenging community, I can say unequivocally I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

Service is a very dear ideal in my family. While I can trace my roots back to the American Revolution, I have had a constant family member in active service through WWI, WWII, Japan’s Occupation, the Cold War, and the Global War on Terror. My wife is also a third generation military member.

This family calling has given us a shared outlook and understanding on what is truly important in life.

Serving in the Army Is My Family's Calling

Did you follow your father and join the Army?

Even with such a rich family history of military service my parents never forced a career in the Army upon me. Growing up in the ’80s I was a huge fan of the “G.I. Joe” cartoon and shows like “The A-Team” and “MacGyver.” While other children my age saw these larger than life personas as too fantastic to be true, I knew the exact opposite.

As a child I could say that I’d met the proverbial steely eyes, barrel chested freedom fighter on several occasions. In “G.I. Joe,” Duke, Lady Jay and Roadblock would display the moral courage to take a stand against something they felt was wrong. I could see the same exhibition of character by walking into my father’s office on any given day and witness the towering soldiers doing the exact same thing.

This introduction into my family calling was accented more when units would hold their organizational days. These family-oriented events always showcased the tools of the trade to loved ones so they could get a better understanding of what their service member did.

Imagine seeing every Hollywood prop in real life and understanding that the soldier standing in front of you was just as awesome as any character that was on the big screen; it clearly made a lasting impression.

Before my elementary school years were over I understood how camouflage worked, possessed a loose understanding of how many different weapon systems our service men and women were tasked to employ and a firm respect for the work that each of them did.

Serving in the Army Is My Family's Calling

I never viewed my unique exposure to the Army as manipulation to join its ranks. Instead this insider information allowed me to make the best decision I could about my future.

I have wonderful memories of wearing face paint, dressed in my pint-sized fatigues and patrolling our military quarters with my sister in tow on a mission to find a lost G.I. Joe somewhere in the hedge. A smile always comes to mind when I think back to having my father introduce me to the challenges of obstacle courses and learned how stations like the gut buster and the weaver vexed the men and women under his command. Whether it was climbing on Humvees and tanks or checking out the static displays of the utility and attack helicopters, I saw the world of the military as a constant adventure.

On the flip side there were times when the military lifestyle was negative. The moves, training and deployments, and constantly reinventing yourself are challenges we can all relate to. However, with each of these, one thing made it all possible; family. My mother and father always put us first — within reason of course.

Even in the tough times we understood that friends and homes may change but our family would always be there.

When I went off to college my future world was a blank canvas to explore. Even with an endless array of life options, the most fulfilling was in my R.O.T.C. program which lead to my commissioning in the Army as an infantry officer. The same branch my great grandfather was in during WWI and my father was during his 30-year career. I never viewed the unique exposure to the Army as some sort of manipulation to join. Instead it allowed me to make the best decision I could about my future.

Serving in the Army Is My Family's Calling

My parents never forced a career in the Army upon me.

My tour of duty as a service member with the Army lasted eight and a half years. As I transitioned to the role of spouse my love for the military way of life didn’t change. With my own children now seeing the nonstop adventure this lifestyle holds they can make their own decisions when they enter the workforce to see if the military is right for them.

Regardless of their choice they will know that within their family were men and women who were willing to risk everything to ensure they would be afforded the same chance at a wonderful future they had been given.

Serving in the Army Is My Family's Calling

I can trace my roots back to the American Revolution, I have had a constant family member in active service through WWI, WWII, Japan’s Occupation, the Cold War, and the Global War on Terror. My wife is also a third generation military member.

Did you follow your parent and join the Army or other branch of service? Tell us your family of military service story in the comments section.

Eric Gardner was raised in a military family and lived around the world. Following in his father's footsteps, he joined the U.S. Army as an Infantry Officer. Eric Gardner was raised in a military family and lived around the world. Following in his father’s footsteps, he joined the U.S. Army as an Infantry Officer. Since the end of his wartime service he has shifted gears and is now a stay-at-home father. In his role as an active duty Army spouse, he has become an author. As the creator of the XIII Legion Series he has enjoyed great success, and enjoys meeting other entrepreneurial spouses as well as fellow authors. You can see more from Eric Gardner at his Facebook page: www.facebook.com/thirteenthlegion.series, and http://www.facebook.com/XIIILGN or follow him via Twitter @13thLegion.

5 Tips for Throwing a ‘We’re Moving Overseas’ Party

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Fair winds and following seas. May the road rise to meet you. Sayonara. Adios.

You’re moving overseas and you are probably in full-on packing and panic mode right now. Before you go, take some time to bid adieu to your friends and family stateside.

 5 Tips for Throwing a “We’re Moving Overseas” Party

The last thing you need in the middle of your current crazy is a lot of work. Instead, follow these 5 simple tips for a great farewell bash that might just make your move slightly easier! Plus, you’ll enjoy a memorable night with your friends and moments you’ll remember for a lifetime.

 5 Tips for Throwing a "We're Moving Overseas" Party

It makes sense to combine your PCS-specific tasks into a celebration with friends! The giving away of things during a PCS is a time-honored military family tradition.

Pick a Theme

Keep your party’s theme super simple: here or there.

For “here” parties, stick to things that are classically American or that you can’t get at your next duty station. Ask friends to bring classic side dishes and grill out. Decorate with an Americana theme in red, white and blue. Or pay homage to the things you’ll miss the most, like Target or Dunkin’ Donuts. You know, the essentials of life.

If you’re going with a “there” theme, make everything about your next duty station. Going to Germany? Pick an Oktoberfest theme with beer and brats, even if it’s June. Headed to Japan or Korea? Decorate with pink cherry blossoms and serve lots of noodles and green tea.

Either way, don’t buy a ton of decorations. You’re packing up your whole house, remember? If you don’t have anything that fits a “theme,” put up your holiday lights around the yard, patio, balcony or inside your house.

Set Your Menu

Use this farewell party as an opportunity to clean out your pantry. Put your non-perishable food on the counter. Try to match recipes with what you already have on hand. The goal is to buy as little additional food as possible while using up a good portion of the things in your pantry.

If you think that this might make for some interesting cuisine, you’re right! A 2012 PCS party did, in fact, lead to the creation of cranberry-creamed corn-stuffing balls with a light honey dijon mustard dipping sauce. They were shockingly delicious.

Once you’ve decided on what you’re making, invite your guests to contribute dishes as well. Chances are they’ll bring less inventive food.

Open Bar & BYOB

You can’t take open bottles of booze with you. It seems to be frowned upon. Something about leaking and damage.

Since you can’t take your liquor with you to your next military installation, mix cocktails using whatever you’ve got on hand at your “We’re Moving Overseas” party. Add a blender and frozen fruit for experimental margaritas and daiquiris. Again, the goal is to whittle your stash down to almost nothing.

If your guests want to contribute to the communal beverages or keep something more mainstream for themselves, encourage BYOB.

For the kids, mix up lemonade or serve juice boxes. If you have a lot of fresh or frozen fruit, DIY smoothies are always fun! Just make sure you clearly label the adult beverages.

Activities & Games

Use this party as an opportunity to clear out your closets!

For the kids, pull out every already opened arts and crafts kit you have on hand. Set out coloring books, crayons, markers, stickers and drawing paper at one station. Make a sidewalk chalk station or a painting station, too. Encourage your younger guests to use up everything.

You could also set out water guns, kiddie pools or water games you have on hand.

While the adults might be content to kick back with food and drink, you could also set out lawn games or card games.

Every Party Needs Favors

The giving away of things during a PCS is a time-honored military family tradition. Let your guests know to come with a few sturdy boxes.

Go through the house before the party and collect everything that the movers won’t or can’t pack. This is usually opened non-perishable foods, cleaning supplies, and other liquids. To that, add any clothes, furniture, toys or decor items that you don’t want to store or bring with you.

Sort everything by type and keep your “favors” in one area of the party space. Let your friends know that they should feel free to grab anything that strikes their fancy.

Anything left after the party can be trashed (if in poor/opened condition), donated (good/unopened) or gifted to friends in the last hours of your move. Just be sure to keep something for that final cleanup before housing inspection!

Celebrate Your Overseas Move with Fun and Humor

Yes, some of these tips might be a little tongue in cheek. However, using up pantry items, finishing off opened art or cleaning supplies and giving things away is the reality for PCSing military families.

It makes good sense to combine all these PCS-specific tasks into a big celebration with friends! Also, I’m betting that more than a few military friends have already attended or hosted a similar party before.

At the end of the day, your “we’re moving overseas” party will be remembered for good times spent with friends. Whether you serve a stuffing ball creation is totally your call.

How do you say goodbye to your friends before an overseas move? Tell us in the comments section.

How to Prevent Conflict When Your In-Laws Visit You

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Many military couples host their in-laws, friends and extended family members during the summer months. Afterall, what’s the point of being stationed in Hawaii, if your house doesn’t become a revolving door for cousins who want to spend time with you, but also enjoy having you as their tour guide and your house as a free hotel room. You are happy to host them as your guests until you realize you are spending way more money on groceries when they are staying with you.

How to Prevent Conflict When Your In-Laws Visit You

Are hosting guests a financial strain on your budget? Can you ask your parents to buy the groceries when they are staying with you? Will your father-in-law watch your kids for date night?

What happens where you as the host feel like you can’t afford (or don’t want) to pay the costs associated with guests. This conflict over who pays seems like a source of unspoken frustration among military spouses.

A military spouse posted this question in a Facebook group:

When your relatives come to visit you, who pays for stuff? You or them? Can you ask them to help out around the house when they are staying with you?

Some military spouses responded saying they believe that guests shouldn’t pay or chip in with housework, ever. Your guests are on vacation and might have dropped serious cash to get there. The hosts should pick up the tab along with the extra work.

Others were firmly on the opposite end of the spectrum. Visitors are getting free lodging so assisting with cooking, cleaning, child care or groceries is a fair trade.

Most military spouses agreed that every situation is unique. Cost of travel and budget were factors that everyone considered. Others talked about the frequency of visits and reciprocity of the expectations when the host/guest roles are reversed.

Where is the disconnect?

Almost everyone agreed that family visits can be a huge source of conflict, especially when the in-laws are involved.

The heart of these might be a lack of shared cultural, familial history. It could be that your mother-in-law comes from a family where hosts have historically paid for everything. Maybe this is how it worked with her own mother-in-law!

When the visit or your guest’s expectations don’t go as you thought, it can cause frustration. Over time, with visit after visit, the frustration turns to anger which turns to resentment.

How can you prevent family vacation conflicts?

It all comes down to communication! If things are going well, you’re probably on the same wavelength. When you’re feeling frustrated during a family visit, it’s time to have a friendly sit-down.

First, decide what you are comfortable doing as a host. What makes you frustrated or upset? Is it having to do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping and paying? Are you comfortable with splitting things in different ways? What do you want your guests to help, or not help, with?

Be very clear with yourself and your spouse. Knowing where you are willing to compromise is just as important as your hard limits.

Solve family visit conflicts

Start neutrally:

“What do you want to do tomorrow?”

Share a few different activities that everyone can enjoy and bring out brochures. Talk about price and ask if this activity is in their budget. You could do this with any part of your trip from tourist attractions to meal planning to paying for gas.

Sit down with your visitors to plot out the events and meals that will happen during the vacation. Ask about which activities fit their budget. Share unique eating experiences in your area at a variety of price points and ask which ones they think will best suit them. Invite them to go grocery shopping with you.

For slightly more complicated situations, you might need to be more to the point. Request politely and kindly that your guest helps you.

You could try:

  • While I cook the main course, could you prep the salad?
  • Please feel free to bring your favorite drinks with you, as we mostly drink water.
  • Would you be able to step in with the kids while I (go for a run, head to the store, do this chore)?

Another route is giving praise for desired actions:

  • Thanks so much for putting on the coffee! I so appreciate having hot coffee when I woke up today!
  • The kids love spending time with you, especially since we live so far apart. I know they’re over the moon to just be with you!
  • You make such good (food item)! We’d love to share this special meal with you! Could we make it together?
  • It’s so nice to have your help (sorting the laundry, emptying the dishwasher, walking the dog)! Thanks!

Often it could just take a nudge or gentle push to move your guests to help you, if that’s what you want.

What happens in a stand-off?

You might find yourself between a rock and a hard place. You’re super uncomfortable in your own home and stretched beyond your limits.

The first conversation should be with your spouse. Decompress and share your frustrations with him or her. Explain what would make this visit better or at least slightly easier. Then create a plan of action to find a solution. You and your spouse should take this on as a team.

If your conflict is with a member of your own family, you should handle it. For in-law issues, your spouse should take the lead. Yes, these conversations will be awkward and uncomfortable, but they need to happen. Not talking about it is a recipe for more anger and resentment in the future.

Start small and use lots of “I feel” statements.

“I feel very tired after working all day and taking care of the kids. It’s overwhelming for me to cook dinner by myself for everyone every night.”

Talk about the good points of the visit, too. Share fun experiences that you’ve done together or how much their visit means to your kids. Then make your big ask. What is it that would make the visit more enjoyable for you as the host?

“I love spending time with you, but doing all the cooking and then all the cleaning makes it hard to do that. Would you be willing to dry if I wash?”

If your concern is financial, be upfront about that, too.

“We love going to all these great places, but we are really watching our bottom line right now. We cannot afford to pay for everyone in our group to go. Can we find another solution?”

Your guests might be genuinely surprised to hear your frustrations!

While it might be really uncomfortable, you could find solutions that work for everyone. Even if things aren’t 100% better, at the very least, you’ve shared your feelings.

If things remain at a stand-off, consider ways to meet on neutral territory. You could pick a location in the middle where you can both stay in hotels or shorten their visits, if possible.

How do you have handled host/guest conflicts? Share your best tips in the comments!

How Being a Mother Changed My Life as a Military Spouse

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My life completely changed when I became a mother. When I saw our son for the first time my whole world changed. Though there were many long nights of sleeplessness, there were also plenty of moments of pure joy. We brought this tiny person into the world. He was ours to love, to teach and to enjoy.

I don’t think it’s possible to know true love and joy until you’ve held your baby in your arms.

I never thought of myself as an emotional or sentimental person, but I certainly am now that I’m a mother. I feel the tears in my eyes when I think about how much he means to me. I love our son. It has been an emotional journey watching him grow.

My husband deployed when our son was nine months old. Deployments can be hard on families, and this one was so much more trying now that I was a mother for the first time and alone with a baby.

I loved seeing our son grow, try new things and explore his surroundings. It seemed like only a blink of an eye and our baby had turned into a toddler. Where did the time go? I missed the baby stage but looked forward to the next steps. I missed the bond that came with nursing once he stopped, but I still get plenty of snuggles since my son loves to cuddle.

How Being a Mother Changed My Life as a Military Spouse

I love the moments when I’m holding our baby girl and she reaches her tiny hand for my cheek. But it makes me sad to think that my husband is missing these moments with her.

Our son is now four years old and almost nine months ago we welcomed our second child into the world, a little girl. My husband deployed just before she turned three months old. That was incredibly hard. I was left with two kids for six months. Some days were really hard and others were amazing.

I thought our son would be jealous of the baby but I couldn’t have been more wrong. He adores her. He wants to hold her, feed her and share his toys with her. He smiles and talks to her and she smiles back. I love the moments when they just stop and look at each other smiling. It brings great joy to my heart. I’m so sad that my husband missed all of this once again.

Related: Celebrating Mother’s Day During Deployments

Last night we had an amazing homecoming. My husband returned from his sixth deployment. I’ve picked him up plenty of times, but this time was completely different. The excitement our four year old showed in anticipation of his arrival was enough to make anyone smile. He stood in the airport with his welcome home sign waving his American flag waiting eagerly for Daddy to come off the plane.

I don’t think there were many dry eyes when everyone heard him shout “Daddy” and run to his father. It was a moment of pure joy.

I love being a mother and seeing these moments. There will be more deployments that will come all too soon, but there will be plenty of time to enjoy our family as a whole. I’m so happy that my husband is home to enjoy our children. I hope with our daughter that he gets to see some of the milestones he missed with our son. As a mother, I couldn’t imagine missing any milestone.

There’s a strong bond between a mother and her child. I love the moments when I’m holding our baby girl and she gazes up at me and reaches her tiny hand for my cheek. Those moments are fleeting so I will cherish every one.

Related: Don’t Forget Military Moms

Though it’s sad to see her grow so fast, it’s amazing to watch her learn and explore. I look forward to seeing her personality grow and to see how she and her brother bond. Being a mother is a remarkable thing and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

How I Feel About Military Spouse Appreciation Day

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On Military Spouse Appreciation Day, I’ll be tagged in dozens of Facebook posts. I’ll tear up reading the heartfelt words of my military spouse friends.

Besides that I don’t think much else will happen on May 11.

Let’s be honest: Military Spouse Appreciation Day is about military spouses connecting with other military spouses.

This is our day to express how much the support of our community and friends has helped us over the years. That’s important, don’t get me wrong.

I love seeing my friends post emotional video montages or write emotional posts that celebrate the ties binding us together. It’s a reminder that I’m not alone and I’ve always got folks watching my six.

Yes, there are events held on military bases around the world honoring the contributions of military spouses. There are job fairs, appreciation luncheons and educational workshops.

All of this is great. Honestly, it’s just nice to be recognized in any small way.

How I Feel About Military Spouse Appreciation Day

Maybe I’ve grown a little salty over the years, but Military Spouse Appreciation Day seems like just more lip service.

The statements of our nation’s leaders, from President Reagan to the present day, express that they see us. They know how much we’ve given of ourselves in support of our spouse and our country.

But this support for military spouses isn’t followed by action.

Maybe I’ve grown a little salty over the years, but Military Spouse Appreciation Day seems like just more lip service.

If our leaders wanted to show military spouses actual appreciation, there are tons of things that they could do.

1. Fix Tricare

Right now military families are receiving letters from Tricare that show they’ll lose their coverage or plan due to failure to pay. Here’s the problem: they have been paying and the system didn’t record it. Military families are caught in the middle between yet another provider network switch and terrible communication.

Tricare operates on the lowest bidder system. While this might be great for, say, choosing a landscaping service at the White House, it’s not the way to do health care. Medical professionals are being dropped by Humana due to paperwork processing errors, even though the doctors did their due diligence in advance. Many medical professionals will not accept Tricare at all because of the paperwork headaches and rock-bottom reimbursement rates.

This leaves military families without civilian options for care. Families with children who have special needs are left without ABA therapy, speech therapy, physical therapy or occupational therapy. Families located far from a comprehensive MTF are caught between the politics of Tricare and the boots on the ground reality.

There are a plethora of issues with health care in our country and Tricare is just the tip of the iceberg. But it’s a pain point for many military families.

Show us that you truly see us by fixing Tricare.

2. Increase Funding for Our Schools

When military families are asked about their PCS concerns, finding a good school is near the top. This is because our federal and state governments have, largely, walked away from public schools. They’ve put in place policies that undercut education funding for years. Buildings are crumbling, learning materials are out of date and teachers are working multiple jobs just to keep their heads above water.

The plan floated by Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos is a small, very small, step to acknowledge this critical military family issue. However, her plan provides minimal funding to a fraction of families all while stripping public schools of money they need to keep the lights on.

This is not how we operate an education system. And by their continued neglect of schools everywhere, not just near military bases, our nation’s leaders are shouting loud and clear that they do not care about our struggles.

Appreciate us and our military kids by taking meaningful action to fully fund schools across the country and pay all teachers appropriate wages.

3. Clean Up Our Contaminated Water

We already question whether this lifestyle is harming our children due to saying goodbye to their friends over and over. We tell ourselves that moving is building resiliency and that seeing the world is a fair trade for our wandering life.

Then you wake up to the news that 126 bases have contaminated water.

Now I’m not only worrying about psychologically damaging my children. I’m terrified that they’ll die because we drank from the tap in base housing. Perfect.

I’ll be watching myself and my very young children for signs and symptoms for decades, all because we’re a military family. All because I drank the water at Camp Pendleton. All because I’m just waiting for them to confirm my suspicions about Okinawa.

Want to know if your current or past bases are affected? The DoD has helpfully listed every location with contaminated water!

If our leaders truly, really appreciated the service and sacrifices of military spouses, they would put meaningful fixes in place to correct these dangerous issues.

4. Reduce Military Spouse Unemployment and Underemployed Rates

Military spouses face the reality of chronic underemployment and unemployment. Only 47% of military spouses responding to the 2017 Blue Star Families survey were employed. The overwhelming majority of employed spouses earned less than $20,000 per year.

There are a lot of factors that go into this. Our transient lifestyle makes it hard to advance in professional careers or keep a job longer than three years. Transferring and maintaining multiple professional licenses costs time and money. Federal employment, often touted as the holy grail of military spouse work, requires that applicants jump through hoops and wait, sometimes months, to hear back from prospective jobs.

Beyond the logistics of employment, there are the lifestyle complications related to being a military spouse. We move every three years, on average. We transition between two parent and single parent households regularly.

Child care often eats up the majority of our take-home pay. And that’s when there are openings available. In many locations, securing quality child care requires super advanced application even at the on-base CDC.

Beyond that, our workday availability is almost a necessity to support our spouse and children. The military schedules everything during working hours, from promotion ceremonies to childbirth classes.

You want to support me? Find ways to support my continued employment with changes to how the military works. Longer dwell times, affordable and available child care, expedited and transparent federal hiring practices or making licensure transfers more flexible are great places to start.

Happy Military Spouse Appreciation Day to the women and men who persevere!

Maybe this year the powers that be will give us some meaningful support and change instead of just pretty words.

Read “5 Reasons Why Military Spouses Deserve a Day of Appreciation” for Rachel’s perspective on Military Spouse Appreciation Day.

What Happens When My Wife Goes TDY

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by Eric Gardner, guest contributor

As families sit around the dinner table it’s a wonderful time to catch up on the day’s events or reminisce about the past.

One of the favorite topics at my house is all the “fun” things my daughters and I do when my wife is away on TDY orders, deployments or training.

While I’m never completely sold out by my girls; it’s really only because some of those unique nuances of anarchy when Mom’s gone are a normal way of life for us.

We’re always swimming in the deep end of life watching for that next crazy wave to head our way.

In the unpredictable world of the military lifestyle our families are kept constantly on their toes. Our modern nomadic spirit keeps us in some phase of pre/post deployment bedlam, or we find our days intermingled with various stages of the training cycle.

To say our family dynamic is kept in a volatile state of constant flux wouldn’t do it justice.

When compared to the length of a career, these short sprints of time help to sort out the new roles everyone will have to take on. Everyone rows in our family. If we all work together it will make the challenges pass that much faster.

However, each of us understands that it’s a real adjustment for the entire family whenever they are missing one of their members. Doubly so when a service member is away.

What Happens When My Wife Goes TDY

The fun activities act as a distraction to the one resounding fact; Mom isn’t with us.

As a stay-at-home dad I get my fair share of jokes leveled in my direction. They are usually tied to Stan Dragoti’s classic film “Mr. Mom.” To be honest I don’t mind the comparison to Michael Keaton’s character because there are so many moments I can relate to.

Perhaps not so blatant a comparison as vanquishing the family vacuum; I’m pretty proficient.

Or sword fighting the popcorn maker; well maybe that one.

However, when those TDY trips would come up we enjoyed the neighborhood poker games and the lumberjack persona was a very in style look.

It’s not that the life of the military spouse is all fun and games. The adaptations we make to support our service members are more in keeping with trying to ensure the train is still moving forward even if that means only one wheel is on the ground at any given time.

Oftentimes pizza or fast food become the “splurge” to help ease the stress of separation. When my girls were younger the island of dishes in the sink would typically consist of every plate, glass and utensil we owned before I would devote energy to get the kitchen back to normal. Bedtimes would get extended, storytime would last forever, and our supply of ice cream would vanish soon after it was brought home from the commissary. An outing to Chuck E. Cheese and later Dave and Busters were entertaining and helped pass the time.

But all these “fun” things only acted as a distraction to the one resounding fact; Mom couldn’t be there.

Schedules, routines, patterns are things that help us survive the mayhem that is the military lifestyle. But like Jack in Mr. Mom, we will always be bombarded with new challenges, yet I really strive to emulate his attitude of perseverance to the daily insanity that was all around him.

Whether it’s the unique approach to stitching up torn clothing with a stapler, wearing a plaid shirt with striped pants — a favorite of my youngest when Mom’s gone — or rocking out to Taylor Swift with the volume so loud the neighbors 5 houses away can hear it.

All of these crazy moments are for one reason – to try to fill the void, we feel when our service member isn’t home with us.

As you can imagine when we’re all back at the dinner table once more, our “fun” may look a little different but we enjoy it so much more because we’re finally all together again.

Eric Gardner was raised in a military family and lived around the world. Following in his father’s footsteps, he joined the U.S. Army as an Infantry Officer. Since the end of his wartime service he has shifted gears and is now a stay-at-home father. In his role as an active duty Army spouse, he has become an author. As the creator of the XIII Legion Series he has enjoyed great success, and enjoys meeting other entrepreneurial spouses as well as fellow authors. You can see more from Eric Gardner at his Facebook page: www.facebook.com/thirteenthlegion.series, and http://www.facebook.com/XIIILGN or follow him via Twitter @13thLegion.

Understanding the Dress Code at Your Military Installation

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As I moved to close the car door, I happened to look down. Uh-oh. I was wearing athleisure leggings. I did a quick mental calculation.

Color of the leggings + intended use (regular wear vs. athletic pursuit) + other clothing

This could determine whether I am asked to leave the exchange or whether they let me slide, for today. Luckily, I was wearing a normal shirt, the leggings were black and I had on flats. If I had been wearing a race finisher shirt, the story could be totally different!

Every military base has very clear guidelines about what you can and cannot wear in each building or location. Understanding the expectations at your base could make your time there much easier.

Understanding the Dress Code at Your Military Installation

Athleisure wear is becoming the norm for many, but it is still considered unacceptable attire for many on-base buildings and businesses.

Understanding the Dress Code at Your Military Installation

Where to Find the Dress Code

Every military building has the dress code prominently displayed, usually near the front door. Typically, the dress code is a poster-sized color graphic the includes demonstrations of correct and incorrect attire. Following a dress code, for service members, civilians and dependents, shows a level of respect for the installation. It also promotes good order and discipline.

Each branch of service has slightly different expectations and dress codes.

Things that might pass muster on an Air Force base will not fly at a Marine Corps installation.

Clothing guidelines are often building or activity specific. The outfit that you wore to the gym is likely not going to be acceptable at the commissary, PX, post office, hospital, library, consolidated club or anywhere else on base. Generally, gym clothes or workout gear is limited to the fitness center. While there is more latitude at the gym in terms of attire, most dress codes require that outfits remain modest without revealing undergarments.

Base to Base Differences

Just like each service might have slightly different dress code expectations, each individual duty station interprets the rules too. While the general dress code is the same service-wide, some bases are more strict and others more relaxed.

Military bases that are on the West Coast and in Hawaii are notoriously more relaxed. Flip flops and athleisure wear are more standard there and seem to be allowed without comment at installation buildings. Some overseas locations, like Okinawa, also seem to follow a more relaxed dress code.

However, the closer you get to the service headquarters and to Washington, D.C., the more strictly the dress code is enforced. Things that were allowed in southern California might not be considered acceptable in northern Virginia.

As you are PCSing, connect with a local spouses’ Facebook group and ask about dress code enforcement. You’ll want to know in advance whether your leather flip flops could cause a scene.

General Guidelines

Across all services and installations, there are some general rules to follow.

Ripped, torn or otherwise overly distressed clothing is not considered acceptable. Those distressed jeans might be OK, but clothing that has clearly been through the wringer should be left at home.

Hats and ball caps need to be removed inside all buildings. This includes other hat-like head coverings too. The exception would be items worn for religious reasons. However, this rule seems to be relaxing at many locations.

Revealing items, for men and women, are a faux pas at military installations. For women, this includes clothing that shows too much cleavage, skinny tank top straps, midriff-baring tops and short skirts or shorts. Men should avoid overly baggy pants that reveal underwear and must wear a shirt. Most military installations also have language in the dress code, for men, about properly fitting shirts.

Bathing suits and swimwear should be covered when not at the actual beach or pool. This includes using the beach-side stores and restaurants. Remember to bring a cover-up or a change of clothing with you.

Athleisure wear is becoming the norm for many, but it is still considered unacceptable attire on military installations. There may be wiggle room depending on your location or the specific outfit.

Flip flops and sandals could violate the dress code, based on the specific installation’s interpretation of the rules. Generally, shoes with a back strap or closed toe are considered appropriate.

If You’re Asked to Leave

First, don’t make a scene. This will only draw more attention to you and could escalate the situation. Instead, calmly ask to speak privately with the store manager or another person in authority.

Next, when you are in a quiet spot, ask for a brief explanation of why you are being asked to leave. If their explanation makes sense, based on the dress code, it is better to comply. You could let the store manager know that you are new to the base or the military in general. Including an apology along with your explanation could help soften things. They might be willing to let it slide today, with a reminder for future visits.

On your next visit, remember to follow the rules more carefully.

Read “Decoding the Commissary Dress Code” to understand the dress code at your commissary.

4 Problems Military Children Face That Are Rarely Talked About

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Shining eyes and happy smiles. This is how the public often sees military children. These joyful homecoming images are broadcast on the news, shared on social media and printed in newspapers and magazines.

While everything seems wonderful and picture-perfect, many military children face hidden struggles behind the scenes.

4 Problems Military Children Face That Aren’t Talked About

Anxiety and Separation Fears

Over the last 15 years, deployment and operational tempos have been high. This means that for many military children, mom, dad or both parents have been frequently away from home.

Forward deployed troops have been in active combat zones, taking fire. Even at home, accidents happen during TDY, TAD or routine training exercises.

All of these separations and “what if” situations take a heavy toll on military children. Often these stressors can show up in behavioral, emotional and academic changes.

4 Problems Military Children Face That Are Rarely Talked About

While everything seems wonderful and picture-perfect, many military children face personal struggles.

Children might act out at school, home or both. They could show unusual aggression or attention-seeking behaviors. Some children withdraw or become distant from friends, teachers and family members. Still other children become noticeably upset when their parent leaves, even for short periods, or when there are unexpected changes, like a substitute teacher at school. Grades might decline too.

All of these reactions are common and can coexist.

Solutions:

If you or a teacher notices a significant difference in your child’s emotions, behaviors or academic performance, take notice. Acting sooner rather than later can make all the difference.

A great first step is to reach out to the Military Family Life Counselor on your base or the school’s counselor. Set up a meeting to share your concerns with them and give permission for them to engage with your child. After speaking with your child, they might be able to offer options for ongoing solutions or care.

Another great step is to connect with Military One Source. They offer free, confidential help on the phone and through referrals to providers near you. You might be able to access mental health care and solutions quickly with this resource.

Next, reach out to your child’s school and teachers. Explain your concerns and ask to develop a plan together to help address the changes in your child.

It’s important to approach this as a team, with mental health providers, school and home working together to help your child get back on track.

Gaps in Learning

On average, military children move 6 to 9 times during their K-12 school years. Every time a military family moves, they must adjust to a new set of state learning standards and expectations. Even if a child is able to stay within the DoDEA system, there might still be small gaps in knowledge.

With each move, military children miss several weeks of class time. All that absent time can add up, with missing information about fractions here or confusion about phonics there.

Solutions:

Working with a tutor, either in person or online, is a great way for military families to help close those academic gaps. Tutor.com offers free online tutoring for military families.

Additionally, many military spouses are credentialed teachers. Often these education professionals offer reasonably priced tutoring and have a good understanding of what military children need.

School Transferring Issues

For students in high school, a PCS can spell disaster for their academic ranking, graduation timeline or transcript. Too often there is confusion about which courses are required at different schools or how GPAs are calculated. While schools are supposed to make good faith efforts to ensure on-time graduation, there can still be issues.

Students who have IEPs and 504 Plan, as well as those qualified for Gifted and Talented Education, also face issues when they PCS.

There are no federal protections and only limited state guidelines for students identified as Gifted and Talented. This means that a student could qualify in School A, but be dropped from the program in School B.

IEPs and 504 Plans are federally protected education plans that must be followed with fidelity. Even during a PCS, plans are supposed to be followed as closely as possible. However, different states have varying qualification and classification standards, as well as different resources available. IEPs and 504 Plans can look very different school to school, and state to state.

Plus, for all of these different education plans, the school has the right to re-evaluate students to determine eligibility.

Solutions:

Before you move, connect with your next school and coordinate transferring documents from the old school. Let the new school know about any special circumstances or educational needs your child might have.

As you’re transferring, connect with the School Liaison Officer (SLO) at your next base. They can often assist with transferring everything that your child needs. They should be able to assist you with using MIC3, an agreement designed to assist military children moving between states.

If you get stuck or have concerns, you might need more help than the SLO can provide or that you can’t navigate solo. At that point, it’s time to consider hiring a professional education advocate. There are several advocates in our community that specialize in assisting military families and/or work remotely.

Caring for Injured Parents

All too often, parents return from deployment with physical or mental injuries. These injuries might be very visible or they could be hidden and undiagnosed. Either way, military children are involved in the daily care of that parent and must cope with life changes.

There are many changes to family dynamics and behaviors when a parent returns with hidden or visible injuries. Too often children are shouldering a larger share of adult responsibility at home.

The stressors are similar to experiencing anxiety or stress due to deployments or separations. The symptoms of a child who is overwhelmed with coping with life changes due to their parent’s injuries might be the same as well.

Solutions:

If your family is experiencing changes due to your service member’s injury, it’s important to reach out for help. The Elizabeth Dole Foundation offers resources and connections to help caregivers and families of wounded warriors.

Asking for assistance from other families members, friends or the community is important. It may feel hard, but building a strong team is important for everyone’s long-term success and well being.

Finally, beginning individual and family counseling can be beneficial. You can find a provider through a referral from your doctor or through Military One Source’s resources.

What problems do you think military children face?

(Full disclosure: Meg Flanagan operates MilKids Ed, an education advocacy service and blog for military families.)

What I Wish I Could Change About Military Life

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Mostly, I love the military life I live. Exciting duty stations are possible every 3 years. The military community is strong and supportive. Plus, this life has given me the change to pursue a passion for writing and education advocacy.

Need I even mention the chance to play Cinderella at least once a year? Those dress blues still make my heart flutter after almost a decade.

Still, though, there are things I wish I could change. I believe that these changes would, largely, benefit the entire military community.

What I Wish I Could Change About Military Life

What do you wish you could change about your military life?

What I Wish I Could Change About Military Life

Tour Time

In some places, it just seems too short. In others, too long. I understand that there will never be a happy medium that fits every location or situation, but something needs to give. Generally, I think that longer tours at most CONUS posts would benefit the troops and their dependents.

When military families are required to move, on average, every 2.5 years, it creates ripple effects for the whole family. Personally, I’ve changed my career in major ways due to our PCS tempo.

By the time I arrive at a duty station, get licensed to teach and find a position, it’s practically time to move again!

I have not ever taught anywhere for longer than 2 consecutive school years. Even the one time I made that happen, it was broken up due to pregnancy and maternity leave.

For children, moving so often can cause stress and distress at school. Military children are perpetually the “new kid” at school. By the time they make friends and settle into a routine, it’s time to pack their things and hit the road. Every 3 years or so, everything starts from scratch at the new school. Education plans, athletic pursuits and extracurricular activities are interrupted, changed or dropped due to frequent moves.

For troops, becoming an expert in one job in one location doesn’t seem like a bad thing either. Especially for positions that interact with the public or those carrying out sensitive operations, tenure might be a great thing. I understand the military wants troops to experience their career field from different angles and deploy with different units. However, it seems like service members are PCSed just as they are gaining total expertise in a field or becoming the go-to person in a shop. Just when you need the expert the most, you swap that person out for someone just learning the ropes. This isn’t helpful to anyone!

It seems to me that extending tour times would benefit troops and their families with additional stability at work and home. Military spouses could build solid careers or employment history. Children could at least attend one school level in just a single place. Troops could become develop their expertise and level up their position.

Hurry Up and Wait

I understand the need for secrecy and security. After all, this is our nation’s defense system we are talking about. But some things are just plain silly.

For example, board results and orders.

Troops submit their packages, which are reviewed and recommended (or not) to whatever board(s) that individual is eligible for. That board meets, discusses the service members presented to them, and makes decisions: promote or not; career field school or not; PCS or PCA or not.

And then everyone waits for weeks or months on end.

Why?

I can understand the issues perhaps a decade or more ago. Communicating all of these selections and coordinating placements took time. Today we probably have an app for that or at least a very large spreadsheet. There surely must be a more timely and efficient way to coordinate board result announcements.

The wait is stressful. It’s filled with anxiety about “what if’s.” Or a service member is fully confident in positive news, only to have a devastating blow delivered.

Then there are the PCS orders. I get that the needs of the military come first. But could they arrive in a more timely fashion? There are only so many individuals in a service in each career field, and there are only so many open positions available. Why is there such a song and dance routine about where people will go to next?

Am I the Only One?

Which brings me to my last beef: OCONUS PCSing in general.

I need this question answered: Am I the very first person to move OCONUS with a small child and a dog?

No really. I’m not joking.

Based on how my last PCS was handled, it would appear that my family was the very first ever to attempt such a move. Nothing happened in a timely fashion, every little thing was an issue and there was so much miscommunication that I still can’t tell what was actually true.

Additionally, from the chatter on military spouse Facebook pages, it seems as if we are not, in fact, the first to attempt this move. However, it would seem that the folks in charge of PCSing forget how to do these things or communicate the SOP to troops or dependents.

Everyone is confused, upset and anxious because no one knows what is going on. Ever. We can’t get straight answers or seek advice from others because every single service and duty station operates differently.

Get. It. Together.

Create one streamlined way for everyone to move to a given destination, especially for OCONUS PCS moves. Make a fun and informative manual and distribute it widely. Then be done.

Maybe if the folks in charge of facilitating the moving process weren’t moving every few years, everything would run smoother.

Now it’s your turn: what do you wish you could change about your military life?