Military Life News

Military Life News, Commissary Rewards and Military Discounts

When the Promotion Doesn’t Come

By

There are to-do lists, grocery lists, PCS packing lists, duty station bucket lists and holiday wish lists.

But there is a single list that can turn an ordinary day into a reason to celebrate or a reason to be discouraged — The promotion list.

The hours spent in preparation for a board, the extra PT to improve to max out points, even the completion of college classes, have all been done in an effort to jump up a rung on the military rank ladder.

And when that day comes there are rounds of congratulations, celebratory dinners and toasts to the newly promotable. Social media posts proclaim the good news, but only for those selected.

What about when the promotion doesn’t come?

Dealing with the disappointment isn’t easy. In fact, with so much vested in advancement, not seeing your service member get the promotion you know they deserve can be downright depressing. But like so many other things in life, the right perspective can help take away the sting.

When the Military Promotion Doesn't Come

Enduring these moments of disappointment can strengthen your marriage.

Go Ahead and Vent

Feelings of disappointment, frustration and anger are normal and natural. Promotions are a big deal and feeling like your service member got passed over is never a pleasant feeling.

Sometimes you just need to let it out. Disappointment internalized can become bitterness and resentment, 2 emotions that are contrary to a military team environment.

It’s OK to express those feelings, just be cognizant of where and to whom you share them with. Avoid long rants on social media or outbursts in front of those who were selected.

If you can, find something constructive to do with all that negative energy. Clean your house, go for a run, bake up a storm, do whatever will help to take your mind off things for a while. Give yourself time to process all of those feelings, but then make sure you focus on something else.

Fixating on disappointment isn’t healthy. If you feel like your service member isn’t handling it well or dwells on those negative feelings for too long, make sure you reach out for help. Chaplains are a good place to start, but all military installations have mental health services readily available for service members and their families.

Be a Support System

Enduring these moments of disappointment can strengthen your relationship.

I can’t tell you how many times my spouse or other service members were sure to get a promotion, only to find their names missing from the list. Military services promote for positions they need to fill and sometimes the needs for one MOS or specialty is higher than another.

Promotions can sometimes feel quite arbitrary, and even deserving service members don’t get selected.

A conciliatory night out or a special dinner to show them how much you appreciate them might be in order. Just try to keep it lighthearted and positive. Remind them of all of the great things they have accomplished thus far.

Congratulate Those Who Made the List

Be graceful and congratulate those who did get selected for promotion. Our community is too small to let promotions affect our friendships and relationships. And next time, it might be you receiving the congratulations while someone else is left with the disappointment.

Remember that lack of promotion is not a demotion.

With so much energy focused on getting promoted, sometimes it’s easy to forget that just because you didn’t get promoted doesn’t mean that his or her military career is over. There are still opportunities for training that could see an increase in pay and potentially make selection for promotion the next time a shoo-in.

Start Preparing for Next Time

While there’s not a ton a military spouse can do to help a service member prepare for next time, try to be considerate and encouraging.

Volunteer to help quiz them for the board.

Be understanding when they stay an extra 30 minutes at the gym or sign up for training that looks good on their official record.

And most importantly, encourage them to keep at it.

How have you handled the disappointment when your spouse was not selected for promotion? Tell us about it in the comments section.

Facing the Fear of Military Life

By

I can pinpoint the exact moment that it all hit me. All of the fear and anxiety and uncertainty that is military life hit me like a ton of bricks.

Facing the Fear of Military Life

Sometimes the fear of military life gets to be a little much.

I didn’t know them more than a casual, run-into-them-socially (sometimes) kind of way. But I knew them. We crossed paths. And it happened to them.

The knock on the door.

The condolences from a “grateful nation.”

Suddenly, I was terrified. I could easily – too easily – picture myself in her shoes. It literally brought me to my knees.

I couldn’t seem to shake the sadness for weeks. I couldn’t move past my fears. I knew I had some decisions to make. I needed to choose whether I wanted to continue to live in a place of unending fear or find a different path.

7 Tips for Facing and Fighting the Fear of Military Life

1. Find an Outlet

What do you love to do? What makes you happy? Whatever that thing or activity is, go do it. For me, I run. I started running right around the same time that I became afraid of the “what-ifs” of military life.

On a bad deployment day or when we are waiting on PCS orders to hit, I run. When I run I have control, something that escapes me as a military spouse. When I come back after a few hard miles, it seems a little bit easier to handle the unknowns.

My friends do different things. Some craft, making beautiful decor or vinyl creations. Others lift weights or go to spin class. Still others dive deep into creative entrepreneurship, running amazing businesses in photography, art or writing.

We all have something that makes us happy. Go find yours!

2. Trust Your Spouse

This one is hard, especially when we live in Whatifville. But truly, trusting my spouse has released a lot of tension. I know that he has trained and prepared for months, if not years, for exactly these situations. I know he understands his job and won’t take unnecessary risks.

Keeping all of this in mind when he deploys or trains or goes TAD helps to combat my fears.

3. Understand the Process

When an Osprey went down in August, fear once again gripped my heart. Our friends were connected to that float. We know a good group of Osprey pilots. Again, the uncertainty took over.

But once I really understood the how’s and why’s of notification and media releases, I felt so much better.

Now, I know that the command and public affairs follow strict protocols to ensure utmost respect for affected military families and units. I truly inhabit the phrase: “No news is good news.” I understand that the system needs to work.

4. Disconnect

Sometimes, it all gets to be a little much. Especially for my family, these last few months have been rough. We’ve had connections to several of the devastating accidents the military has experienced this year. We live in the communities impacted.

It all got to me. The constant Facebook news feed posts, the 24-hour news cycle and the never-ending updates that weren’t really updates.

So I stopped.

I stopped reading Facebook obsessively. Instead, I logged on to work on my professional Facebook page and hopped back off. I no longer watch the news or check my news apps. I just can’t anymore.

5. Be Kind to Yourself

When you struggle over something, whether it is not knowing where you are moving next or deep fear about the scarier unknowns, it is OK. It’s OK to be afraid.

Acknowledge your fears. Admit, out loud or in writing, what exactly is bothering you and why. It’s hard to do this, to really unpack a deep fear and work through it.

So be kind.

When you are afraid, seek comfort from a friend, a religious leader or a military family life counselor. Ask for help, because your military community is here for you.

Take some time to pamper yourself. Take a hot bath, get a pedicure, read a book, watch a comforting movie or retreat to your bed. Whatever makes you feel secure and loved, go do it. I enjoy reading a trashy magazine and sipping hot cocoa (or wine), pulling back from the world for a little while. It gives me the head space I need to process my feelings.

6. Help Someone

Our friends and neighbors lost a dear friend in the crash off Australia. There isn’t much to be said that can heal that hurt.

But I can certainly bring them dinner. It’s one less thing to think about while they grieve. I can watch their children so that they can assist with final arrangements. I can offer a hug and a shoulder to cry on. I can empathize because I understand that pit in the stomach feeling.

If you are afraid or live somewhere that is hurting, reach out. Offer to help in any way you can. Redirecting your fears and worries into actions for others can help you to process.

7. Choosing a Different Path

When I was afraid, brought to my knees with fear and grief and worry, I decided to go a different way. I chose to not live in that dark place.

I went for a run to the ocean and cried just a little bit more. Then I invited friends over for dinner because I knew we would be stronger together.

Together, as a community, we can combat the fears and unknowns of military life.

How do you combat the fears of military life? Share your tips and strategies in the comments section.

When Your Marriage and His Military Duty Collide

By

His phone buzzes and I check the clock. It’s 2:13 a.m. on Saturday and I know what’s about to happen.

Someone in his company needs him.

It could be any of a litany of issues ranging from an injury to a Red Cross message to a mandatory urinalysis.

Without fail, he shakes off any remaining dregs of sleep and shuffles down the stairs. The faint glow of the kitchen light filters up through the dark and I hear him flip on the coffee pot.

It means he’ll work another day on just a couple of hours of sleep.

It means tomorrow he’ll either be on post dealing with the aftermath or sleeping, trying to recover.

It means I’ll spend another Saturday, hanging out by myself.

Does My Spouse Loves the Military More Than Me?

Service members take an oath to serve and protect our country. Can they also be committed to their marriages?

It’s hard, sometimes, not to be resentful. It’s not like he plans for these things to happen. Call it fate, Murphy’s law or just bad luck, when the Army calls, he answers, regardless of what we have planned.

Though I grew up in a military family, and learned from an early age that duty and service were the cornerstones of being a military family, as a young military spouse, I struggled not to feel like I was competing for his attention.

Why did it feel like he was always the one volunteering (or being volun-told) to do things?

Why was his unit, the one to deploy?

Why was it our phone that always rang in the middle of the night?

Why couldn’t he just say “no?”

In many ways, it felt like the Army was the other woman. All she had to do was ring him up and he went running to do her bidding. No matter what time of day. No matter what I might have needed him for.

I was left to care for our 3 kids, manage our house and work full-time. I was tired, cranky, and truth be told, a little lonely.

His dedication and obligation to the Army almost cost us our marriage.

In those dark days, I was convinced we would never make it. It took almost a year of hard work and counseling for us to find our way back. It took a willingness for me to accept his role as a service member and a similar willingness on his part to make sure that I didn’t feel neglected or taken for granted.

Our relationship had suffered, not because I was being selfish, and not because he was dedicated. It suffered because we had failed to consider each other in our daily struggles.

We both got so wrapped up in surviving our days that we forgot to be the support the other one needed.

When relationships get hard, it’s easy to internalize, build a wall, and just get by, focusing on what you have to do. For him, that meant being a good soldier. For me, it meant being a good mom. And those 2 things, left to battle it out, would never have organically reconciled.

Service became an excuse to not do the hard work that staying in a healthy, strong and committed relationship takes.

And it does take work – from both parties.

While service members take an oath to serve and protect, marriage also is an oath of commitment.

If the last 19 years have taught me anything, it’s that there will be times when I am asked to do more of the work, but it in no way means that he is free from his obligation to me or our relationship.

I have learned to balance my needs and wants with a fair amount of patience and understanding. But he has also learned that just because I don’t demand his attention, it doesn’t mean I don’t need and want it.

There is a conscious awareness that is required for a military marriage to work. It starts with honest and open communication about needs and wants. It continues with a willingness to compromise and sacrifice for each other. And it ends with a stronger connection, built out of a better understanding of each other, and a genuine desire to build a life together, no matter where you end up, and no matter how often duty calls.

Do you ever feel like your service member loves the military more than you?

When Will My House Feel Like Home?

By

Moving. It’s part and parcel to the whole military family way of life.

When Will My House Feel Like Home?

How long does it take until you feel at home in a new duty station?

If you are new to the military, then you might only have a couple of moves under your belt. If you’re like me, a more “seasoned” military spouse and brat, then you probably need a moment to tally all the places you’ve called home.

Hand in hand with constantly finding a “new’ home, comes a lingering feeling of transience.

At what point does that freshly painted on-post duplex or 4-bedroom off-base house start to feel like home?

When I Was a Kid

When I was a kid, my active-duty parents whisked me across oceans to both Europe and Asia. Every trip meant picking out the must-have toy to take with me and saying goodbye to every other toy and possession, sometimes for months at a time.

Nothing made a house feel more like home than getting to unpack all my things and finding just the right spot for each and every toy.

Add in a few Saturday morning cartoons and the occasional batch of homemade chocolate chip cookies and things were golden.

When your household goods finally arrive, make setting up your child’s room a priority. Then, try to get back into a routine as quickly as you can. Bedtime stories, bath time, and yes, even cookies, can help take the fear out of a new place. Young kids are amazingly resilient, but familiar items and routines will help them to adjust.

When I Was a Teen

The older I got, the harder it got to move. While unpacking my things helped me to feel settled, a sense of home never really surfaced until we returned to our normal routine.

Things like school and (I can’t believe I am saying this!) Saturday morning chores made me forget that things were new. I guess nothing says home like homework and a toilet brush.

If you have a teenager in your home (or, God help you, more than one, like me!), the same rules apply about routine. As a parent, try to be patient.

The adjustment might take a little longer for your teenagers, but it will come.

Take advantage of opportunities to create special memories in your new home, even some specifically associated with moving.

Use up some of that seemingly endless supply of packing paper for a paper snowball fight.

Take turns picking a place for dinner so you can explore your new neighborhood.

And make sure you take time to Skype or email friends from your last duty station. A familiar voice can help make the transition a little easier.

When I Was an Adult

For a brief time, in my late teens and early twenties I ventured out into the world on my own. I stayed with extended family and a few friends as I worked my way through college, but it never really felt like home. Even moving into my own apartment felt empty and lonely.

Shortly thereafter I joined the Army. My barracks room became my inspection-ready sanctuary and my barracks-mates my family. But we all knew those digs were only temporary and none of us ever really felt like we were home.

It wasn’t until I married my husband and we started our own family that I felt like I had a home again.  Hanging curtains, painting walls and making sure that every box was unpacked or hidden away in storage was and is always the first step to making it feel like home again for us.

Enjoy the process of discovery that comes from unpacking all of those things you love. Then, once you’ve emptied all of those boxes, make a point to entertain a few guests if you can.

Nothing makes a house feel more like a home than putting out a welcome mat and extending a little hospitality.

Dozens of Moves Later

Just over a year ago, we purchased what will be our last home as an active-duty Army family. Bits and pieces of the life we have built are seen in every corner, but it is only recently that this house has started to feel like home to me.

My kids are nearly grown, with one already discussing plans to move out. And so, the idea of home is changing once again.

How can it be home if we are not all together? Will our home become just a living museum of the memories collected as we traveled from place to place?

I suppose only time will tell.

How long does it take until you feel at home in a new duty station?

How to Handle an OCONUS PCS in 25 Steps

By

Whether you were hoping for this assignment or you winced when the PCS orders hit, an OCONUS move is not for the faint of heart. You have a lot of things you need to do and you need to do them all right now.

How to Handle an OCONUS PCS in 23 Steps

You will survive your international military move.

Don’t stress. Just follow our handy guide to rock this PCS!

How to Handle an OCONUS Move in 25 Steps

Hit Pause

Why? Because there are no official orders, just the “word” that these documents are coming. While you have tons of things to do, very few things can proceed without at least web orders.

Passports

Planning to travel while OCONUS? Apply for tourist passports for your family now. During peak times, passports can take up to 8 weeks to process. You will want to have these well before you leave, just in case. Take double passport pictures now, and only use one set for the tourist passports. Keep reading to find out why!

Pet Health

Have a pet? Great! Just make sure that you read up on the import requirements for your OCONUS duty station. Most overseas countries require additional vaccinations and quarantine periods.

Book your vet visit now. Be sure to bring hard copies of the animal import requirements to all future vet visits. Also, record all dates related to quarantine in your phone or planner.

PCM Check-In

Schedule a visit with your PCM even before web orders hit. Let your doctor know where you are headed and when you think you will be leaving. Ask that they review your medical record off-the-books and alert you to any bumps in the road. Do the same for your children.

Shots, Shots, Shots

Everybody gets shots! We’re talking HepA, B and C. Let’s add in a little TDAP and MMR for good measure. When your PCM checks your records, ask them to confirm your vaccinations and compare your records to the requirements for your next duty station. Then head to immunizations and roll up your sleeves.

Check Housing

Still no orders? No problem! Check out housing while you wait. Be sure to investigate all possible options, but remember that you probably won’t get to choose where you live. Do a double take when you see how much space the OCONUS houses offer. (Hint: it’s smaller than American base housing.)

Have a Yard Sale

After seeing how much space you might have, hold a yard sale! Try to sell your bulky or rarely used items. Put all of your profits into your pet travel fund.

Join Facebook Groups

There are Facebook groups for every duty station. Go find yours now. Then ask:

  • How does housing work?
  • How do I get a pet over here?
  • Will my family survive this?
  • What happens on the medical clearance boards?

Wait for answers patiently. After all, orders are still not “official” yet.

Research Pet Travel

After checking with Facebook, contact your local travel office to find out about pet travel. When you hear that the military flights have pet spots, rejoice! When you hear all the restrictions, cry. Then look into commercial travel and be happy for the yard sale money.

As soon as you have confirmed travel arrangements, work on getting your furry friends either on the same flight or ready to travel in another way. There are several reputable pet transit services out there and a few airlines that will fly military pets as unaccompanied baggage.

Celebrate

Hooray! Orders have officially arrived and you may pass GO. Be prepared to wait some more.

Health Check

You may now proceed with the overseas medical screening. Luckily, you’ve updated your vaccinations and previewed your medical records for any hiccups. Ask your PCM’s office for a hard copy of your health record. Then call the overseas screening office at the military treatment facility (the on-base clinic or hospital) closest to you. Schedule an appointment ASAP.

Be prepared to answer deeply personal questions about health issues that have long been resolved or are controlled. Wait nervously while a doctor you have never seen before decides if you are healthy enough to move OCONUS.

Be Ready to Wait

Even though orders are “official,” you are still waiting. Why? Medical and area clearance. Before the moving and travel offices will book you, your family will need to have area clearance. To get area clearance, you need medical clearance.

But What About the Car?

No, seriously, what are you going to do with the car(s)? In all the hustle to get the pets, house and humans ready, you forgot the multi-ton machine in your garage.

You have a few choices: store it, ship it or sell it.

The military will likely cover the costs (ship or store) of one car per family. If you were thinking “ship it” you might want to double check that it’s allowed where you are going. If not, start thinking about whether you want to store it or sell it.

Motivate

Do repeat image searches for your OCONUS duty station to remind you of how awesome it’s going to be once you do arrive.

Pet File

As your pet proceeds with quarantine and vaccinations keep every single piece of paper in one place. Make copies of everything. Get every copy notarized according to your new location’s requirements. Double check every document to ensure it’s been filled out correctly and with the right color ink.

Passports Part 2

Remember those extra passport pictures? Pull them out and bring them with you to get your no-fee government passport. You’ll go through your base to do this using a special form and documents. You will not have to pay for these. They will look exactly like your tourist passports.

Moving Dates

There will be 3 parts to this move: long-term storage, household goods and unaccompanied baggage. If you are lucky, there will be 3 separate individual moving days. Schedule long-term storage last so that anything that won’t fit in the other 2 shipments will stay stateside.

Double check your weight allowance for your duty station. Plan another yard sale.

Schedule Travel

Talk to the people who book your flights. Find out about how the travel options work. Ask:

  • Does everyone have to go on the military flight?
  • Can dependents elect to travel commercially and be reimbursed?
  • What about pets?

Expect to not like what you hear. Return to this office regularly to try to find a solution that works for you.

Sort Your Stuff

Sort everything you own into piles: store, trash, sell or donate, household goods, unaccompanied and suitcases. Try to estimate the total weight you will be bringing with you.

Hold another yard sale to get rid of extra weight and things you don’t want to store for 3 years. Be ready to give precious documents and photos to relatives for the duration.

Pack It In

Once everything is sorted, get packing! Luckily, the government contracted movers will do your big shipments, but it is smart to physically separate your stuff.

Put your packed suitcases in a separate locked or blocked room. Hire a babysitter and schedule your pets for day care.

Then kick back and make sure that all of your things are properly packed, labeled and accounted for.

Give Away

Do you have some things that just didn’t fit in any of your shipments? Time to give those things away to your nearest and dearest! Pass on those cleaning supplies, random pantry items and extra toilet paper.

Drive Time

It’s time to make the final, final car decision. Bring your car to the designated place if you are shipping it or storing it. Confirm where your car is headed and what the terms of the agreement include. Or get ready to list the car for sale. Get ready to be low balled if you’re selling it personally. You can also sell your vehicle to a dealership, which is way less stressful.

Go Home

Moving OCONUS means that you will be very far from family for several years. Take some time to visit your family and friends before you take off. Eat your local comfort foods, visit Target and stock up on anything you might miss overseas.

Wheels Up

It’s time for take-off! Your bags are packed and devices are fully charged. Before you board make sure you’ve packed:

  • Enough snacks for the flights
  • Entertainment that is easy to carry
  • Empty water bottles
  • Power strip, chargers and headphones
  • Blanket, travel pillow and earplugs or eye mask

Touch Down

You’ve finally landed in your OCONUS duty station. Congrats! You survived your international military move. You have 3 years before you have to tackle this beast again.

What are your best tips for an OCONUS PCS? Share your advice in the comments!

How I Fell in Love with Okinawa

By

Every fiber of my being was grouchy about our plane ride last summer. We were heading to Okinawa, Japan’s tropical paradise. Land of shisa dogs, soba noodles and coral beaches.

How I Fell in Love with Okinawa

Okinawa is the perfect location for traveling around Asia.

Except I did not want to go. Okinawa wasn’t even on our wish list. However, in typical military fashion, the career planner went off-book and sent us here anyway.

It would have been easy to wallow and sink into despair. Instead, I decided to find ways to enjoy my time here.

7 Ways to Fall in Love with Okinawa

Meet a Local

My first clue that I would, eventually, love Okinawa happened in our first 48 hours. Our friend is married to a lovely Okinawan. She could have easily laughed at my jet-legged attempts to maneuver chopsticks. Instead, she took us on a tour of grocery stores and helped me find non-dairy foods.

Everywhere we go, my children are cooed at and loved on by almost everyone. Men and women stroke their chubby arms or legs, exclaim over their tiny smiles and offer (wrapped) candies to my preschooler. I once had a very lovely gentleman purchase a pack of nuts at Starbucks and give them to me. He told me to eat “for the baby.”

And while there is some tension, it’s understandable. The United States defeated Japan in World War II and Okinawa survived a horrific battle that claimed many lives. However, helpfulness and generosity are what I’ve experienced most often on this island.

Local ladies took the time to show me how to properly sift bean sprouts. Wait staff have gone out of their way to help me find dairy-free options at restaurants. People sing out “Ohayo gozaimasu!” as I run past.

Get Groceries

One of my very first favorite things to do here was to go grocery shopping at local stores and farmers markets. It’s a whole new world, filled with cute logos and bright colors.

In Okinawa, almost every packaged food item has a cute character or logo. Every label is a riot of color and the bigger grocery stores are filled with upbeat music.

It is so much fun to purchase local foods and then figure out how to cook with them. Okinawa sweet potatoes and okonomiyaki, or egg/meat/cabbage omelets, are becoming a major staple in our house!

Discover the Daiso

My favorite thing at the mall is the Daiso. It’s basically like an American dollar store, but better. Everything is about $1 and each store carries items from food to gardening supplies. I can find almost anything I need at the Daiso. Plus, all the items are high quality.

Beach Time

Quick! Do a Google image search for Okinawa. Want to know what pops up?

It’s beaches! White coral sand beaches with turquoise blue waters and a reef just off shore.

When I’m feeling down and out about living here, I head to the beach. A few hours of relaxing in the sun with my toes in the sand or hunting for pretty shells usually sets me right.

Or I can go beneath the waves with my snorkel gear to check out the colorful fish and coral. If I were more adventurous, I would get SCUBA certified and dive with the whale sharks.

Local Culture

Okinawa is part of Japan now, but it was its own kingdom for thousands of years. The traditions of the Ryukyu Kingdom are still present today across the island.

Every summer, Eisa dancers drum and sing to celebrate Obon. It’s a celebration that begs for audience participation and enthusiasm. The beat is infectious! Theme parks celebrating Okinawan culture have troupes of Eisa dancers that perform year-round.

The island is dotted with the ruins of ancient castles from the Ryukyu period. Most are open and accessible to the public, usually for free or a small fee. I love to tour the reconstructed Shuri Castle, a UNESCO World Heritage Site. It’s so powerful to walk in the footsteps of kings!

Sushi, Soba and Sake

I was a sushi lover before I moved here, but it’s reached a whole new level in Okinawa. My main reason: sushi-go-round. It’s exactly what it sounds like. A conveyer belt carries delicious raw fish delicacies to my table. And instead of overstuffed fancy rolls, I get simply prepared fish on plain rice dressed up with soy sauce or wasabi. Yum!

Japan is a land of noodles and I plan on eating all of them. From ramen to udon to soba, I am a noodle fanatic. Okinawa has a local variant of soba with different noodles made entirely of wheat. The broth is rich and full of flavor from the pork ribs.

Sake is one of the best known beverages of Japan. In Oki, they make awamori. It’s a local variant of the traditional alcoholic beverage. All over Okinawa there are izakayas or pubs, that offer endless varieties of sake and awamori, plus local beer and plum wine.

Book a Flight

Okinawa is the perfect location for traveling around Asia. It’s under 3 hours by air to mainland Japan, South Korea, Taiwan and Hong Kong. It’s just a little farther to China, Thailand, Singapore, Cambodia and Vietnam.

Flights are pretty cheap if you fly the discounted airlines. It’s possible to explore all of Asia on a budget. I plan to see as many places as I can!

If you had told me a year ago that I would like Okinawa, even a little bit, I would have laughed. Instead, here I am, firmly in love with my little island.

Have you lived in Okinawa? What are your favorite memories or experiences? Tell us in the comments!

The Hardest Part of Being a Military Spouse

By

In September, I will have been a proud Army wife for 19 years.

I’ve had it easier than some as I grew up in a military family, watched both of my parents put on a uniform on a daily basis until they retired my senior year of high school. I traveled abroad and across this country. I embraced the good and then stuck alongside my spouse. Along the way, we’ve raised 3 amazing kids and the official countdown to retirement has begun. The light at the end of that particular tunnel is just under 2 years away.

As I look back over my time as a military spouse, there is much to celebrate, much to be proud of and only a handful of regrets. Surprisingly, the hardest part of this entire journey has only recently come to light.

Hubby and I sat at the kitchen table, him with a cup of coffee, me drafting the weekly shopping list. The conversation turned to the future, as it often does, and I asked him what he wanted to with his life after he retired from the Army. As the words left my lips, a startling reality took root in my gut.

What was I going to do after he retired? Who was I if not an active-duty Army wife?

Somewhere in the midst of all the PCS orders and moving boxes, at one of the countless unit functions or while watching his boots go from black to brown, I had pinned a shiny, golden “exemplary military spouse” badge to my chest and let it define who I was and how I lived my life.

The Hardest Part of Being a Military Spouse

My standard answer to “tell us about yourself,” was always “Proud Army wife and mother of 3.” But is that really all I am?

He took a sip of his coffee and rattled off his new career wish list, the beginning stages of a plan of attack for his transition forming as he spoke. I sat trying to stay calm and not let on that I was staring straight into the face of an honest-to-God identity crisis.

Who was I going to be after the Army? Who was I now?

How many jobs had I passed up or quit because the “needs of the Army” meant the needs of our family became my sole responsibility?

How many times had the powers-that-be seemed to foresee pending natural disasters or medical emergencies and sent my spouse off into the world to do his duty, while leaving me to pick up the pieces?

How many times had I swallowed my own fears and wants so as not to be a burden to my service member as he carried the weight and responsibility of leadership on his shoulders?

How many times had I polished that “exemplary military spouse” badge and told myself that sacrifice was a a requirement? That duty to country trumped all other needs? Would I be able to handle a change of priorities?

The Army has given me a community, a way of life, but it also repeatedly put me at a crossroads between living my own dreams and being the support system my service member needed while he chased his.

It has provided the financial stability that has allowed me to start a business, complete a degree and buy a home. But it has also forced me to put any and all of those things on the back burner when duty calls.

Up until that moment, the standard answer to “tell us about yourself,” was always

“Proud Army wife and mother of 3.”

But is that really all I am?  When the day arrives that I am no longer married to the military, how will I lead off?

True to form, I kept my concerns about my future to myself and finished up the shopping list. As we headed to the commissary it occurred to me that of all of the challenges I had faced as a military spouse, the hardest part, it would seem, was developing a sense of self that would sustain me for the majority of life that would come after the Army.

I am still coming to terms with the idea that life will go on, even if we don’t hear revelry and retreat. Even if there are no longer combat boots in the foyer. Even if I have to start checking the box, “retiree spouse.” I am, however, incredibly thankful for the life I’ve had as a military spouse. The lessons learned will make my journey of self-discovery easier. Of that, I’m certain.

Maybe the hardest part of this whole thing hasn’t been the separations. Maybe it hasn’t been the worry about where he is or when he’ll be home. Maybe it hasn’t even been the struggle to figure out who I am in the shadow of his service.

Maybe the hardest part of being a military spouse will be leaving it behind.

What do you think is the hardest part of being a military spouse? We would love to hear your story. Share it in the comments section.

Why Tricare Doesn’t Want High-Risk Pregnant Military Spouses Living in Some Overseas Locations

By

Welcoming a new baby to your family should be one of the happiest times in your life. Some pregnant military spouses are feeling extra stress as they face delivering their babies away from their partners.

Under new guidelines from the Tricare Overseas Program contractor, SOS Government Services, some mothers-to-be may be forced to leave certain overseas locations due to high-risk pregnancies. For expectant mothers getting ready to PCS, their travel may be delayed until after their baby arrives. Tricare has stated that this is not a new policy but reflects the ongoing assessment of the local health care facilities by the contractor.

Why Tricare Doesn't Want High-Risk Pregnant Military Spouses Living in Some Overseas Locations

Mothers-to-be who become high-risk pregnancies while already at an OCONUS duty station have options.

Several OCONUS duty stations, like Bahrain and El Salvador, have been included in this guidance. SOS Government Services has determined that the local standard of care is not equivalent to the United States. There is not on-base maternity care available at these locations.

Other duty stations include New Delhi; Madagascar; Jakarta, Indonesia; La Paz, Bolivia; Kosovo; Qatar; Georgia; Suriname; and Chad. Other locations may be added or removed based on the changing status of health care standards in a particular place.

What is “high-risk?”

High-risk pregnancies are determined based on many factors. Often maternal age plays a role in moving a pregnancy into the high-risk category. Other factors could include gestational diabetes, other pregnancy complications, expected delivery complications or anticipated needs of the newborn based on prenatal screenings.

Military spouses who are determined to be at high-risk before they arrive in an identified duty station may stay behind until after the baby is born. Once mother and child are both medically cleared, the family can be reunited. Active duty military members could possibly have accompanied orders converted to shorter unaccompanied orders on a case-by-case basis.

Mothers-to-be who become high-risk while already at a duty station also have options. One option is “stork nesting” at a military facility of Tricare’s choosing. This could be a medical facility in the United States or one at an approved OCONUS location.

Another option would be returning to the U.S. to be near family until the baby arrives. In both cases, the travel and other expenses would be paid for.

Women who become high-risk after they are no longer able to travel will be relocated with a civilian air ambulance.

Active duty military who are identified as high-risk should consult with their command and medical practitioner. All parties should work together to determine what is best for mother and baby. Options could include expanded medical leave or an early permanent change of station.

Complications and confusion

While the policy is intended to facilitate a healthy delivery, pregnancy is not always predictable. Many textbook pregnancies end in complicated deliveries. Some newborns have unexpected health needs that must be immediately addressed. The guidance is less clear about what would happen in those cases. There is no official document that charts these possibilities or provides guidance for mothers-to-be about their options.

This becomes especially confusing when considering the guidance about seeking care in the local community. Some clinics on-base in the identified locations do refer mothers-to-be to providers in the local community.

However, Tricare has issued guidance that this care will not be covered under Tricare Prime, Tricare Prime Remote Overseas or Tricate Prime Overseas. No guidance about billing or Tricare eligibility has been issued should a normal pregnancy end with a complex birth or a baby with health concerns.

There is also no official documentation about spouses joining their pregnant partners at the selected birthing location.

This has left many military spouses confused and uncertain about their options and possible outcomes. While the health of mother and baby is always most important, pregnancy can and does change minute to minute.

What do you think of the policy to not allow high-risk pregnant military spouses to live in certain areas? Tell us in the comments.

6 Tips for Bringing Your Pet on Your Cross-Country PCS Road Trip

By

Woohoo! PCS road trip! Load up the car, the kids and the pet. Before you get everyone buckled in, hit pause to make sure that your furry friends are ready to make the journey.

6 Tips for Bringing Your Pet on Your Cross-Country PCS Road Trip

Don’t try to sneak your pet into a non-pet-friendly hotel. Plan instead to book your overnight stays at pet-friendly hotels during your road trip. Some even offer military discounts.

6 Tips for Bringing Your Pet on Your Cross-Country PCS Road Trip

Plan Your Route

Decide which way you’re going to be going and take into account when you are traveling. During the summer months, going through the desert and deep south can be pretty hot. Going the northern route during winter might get chilly. While these factors don’t need to alter your trip, you should take them into consideration for pit stops and water breaks.

Book out your hotels in advance. Many hotels are pet-friendly and offer military discounts. However, a lot of hotels also charge significant fees for your pet to stay. La Quinta welcomes cats and dogs for free. Many Starwood and Marriott brand hotels are pet-friendly too.

Try to be reasonable about the distance you can really cover each day. Then look for hotels at or around that target distance.

Pick Out Pit Stops

During your road trip, you’re going to need to stop a few times a day. As you are traveling, try to check out your preferred route for good places to stretch everyone’s legs. Look for parks, state-maintained rest stops and similar places.

Keep in mind that pets cannot ever stay in parked cars. So food breaks need to trend more toward take-out and away from sit-down restaurants.

The same is true for longer stops on the route. Your major attractions should be places that are dog-friendly, have boarding facilities nearby or where you have a hotel room.

Health Check

Many pets are awesome on the road. Some are exactly the opposite. If you are concerned about your pet’s behavior or health on your road trip, pay your vet a visit. Also get refills of any medication, just in case you are caught in between prescriptions on the road.

You can ask about calming remedies to help with anxiety. You can also get information about best practices for food, water and keeping your pets cool.

If you are traveling with a non-traditional pet, your vet will be the best resource for you.

Car Safety

When you are traveling with a pet, it’s important to always secure him when the car is in motion. Use a pet seatbelt or place your pet in a kennel during travel. When using a kennel, it’s best to also secure this in your car.

To keep your pet hydrated, freeze water into their bowl or a pet bottle. Offer small amounts of food during travel, but don’t overdo it to avoid carsickness.

Before your big trip, take a few smaller trips to prepare. End at the dog park or another favorite spot. Offer treats and praise.

Loading the Car

When you’re driving, think about the seating arrangements and what you need to pack. Since you are PCSing, you will be loaded down with a bunch of your personal belongings and several suitcases.

Keep your pet’s essentials in an easy-to-access location and pack your hotel stay things in one bag that you will always be taking in with you. Only pack enough, plus a day or two, of food and treats for your pet. You can always buy more food on the way but will need all the extra space you can get during trip.

Remember to stash a few of your pet’s favorite toys in the kennel or in their designated space. This can give your pet something familiar to play with. It can also help occupy and calm your pet during the journey and in hotels.

If your children will be eating during the trip, make sure that the food is pet safe. Chances are good that they will drop or “share” a few bites with Fido or Fluffy along the way.

Pro tip: keep plastic shopping bags in your car for potty breaks.

During Hotel Stays

When you arrive, make sure you are upfront about the pet staying with you. If you try to sneak an animal into a non-pet-friendly hotel, and they find out, there will be a hefty cleaning fee. The same can be the case even at pet-friendly places if they place you in a non-pet room.

As you move your essential things into the room for the night, try your best to team up. One adult can take the dog for a walk or sit in the room with the pet while the other adult ferries the luggage and kids.

Ask at the front desk about safe walking routes and places to avoid. You should also clarify whether the hotel has a pet waste disposal area or bags. If not, use some of those shopping bags.

Do your best to keep the pet noise to a minimum, especially at night. If your pet makes a mess, clean it up as best you can.

If you are planning to be out of the room, make your pet comfortable and secure. For pets that are noisy when you leave them alone, think hard about the hotel’s pet policy before you leave. Or try out ways to curb the noise before you leave.

Are you planning to fly instead of drive to your next duty station? Check out our article on air travel tips for pets.

Why Military Spouses Should Learn Rank Structure

By

As military spouses we are called upon to learn a great deal. We have to learn to decipher a veritable dictionary of acronyms. Things like PCS, TDY and LES fast become part of our regular vocabulary. We learn what to do when the bugles play “Reveille,” “Retreat” and “Taps” and to stand anytime we hear the National Anthem. We learn to carry our military IDs at all times and how to navigate the intricacy of Tricare regulations. Our new secret superpower becomes the ability to find a left boot or cover at o’dark-thirty in the morning.

All new military recruits learn not only the names of the ranks, but the name of every person in their chain of command all the way up to the Commander in Chief before they finish basic training. If they can do it while learning the dozens and dozens of other things involved with being a professional soldier, sailor, airman or Marine, then we can certainly find the time to learn too.

Why Military Spouses Should Learn Rank Structure

Rank and responsibility don’t stop just because a service member takes off his or her uniform for the day. Understanding that rank often dictates social behavior during off-duty hours is also important.

Why Military Spouses Should Learn Rank Structure

Learning the Rank Structure Demonstrates an Interest in Your Spouse’s Career

Just like learning that a GI Party isn’t something to look forward to or that some promotions require extra training, learning the rank structure of our spouse’s branch gives us a better idea of the environment our spouses work in. Just like in a large corporation or civilian company, understanding the chain of command means you get it when your spouse talks about reporting to the First Sergeant or training with the Master Chief.

Knowing the difference between junior enlisted, senior NCO and commanding officer, is important for understanding career progression and responsibilities.

Plus, becoming familiar with ranks and their respective insignia shows your spouse you care about their career and are invested for the long haul, however long that may be. Few members of military leadership expect or require military spouses to understand rank, but it can only reflect well on your service member if you use your newly learned skills to expertly navigate the next unit event.

It’s A Matter of Protocol

I think most seasoned military spouses would agree that because we don’t wear the uniform, and hence don’t wear the rank of our service member spouses, that we should treat all members of our community with an equal amount of respect.

However, there are instances when understanding rank and insignia is important. Say, for example, when attending a military formal event. Part of the event generally includes a receiving line. Recognizing rank insignia helps you call the right person “Ma’am” or “Sergeant Major,” even if you have never met them before. Imagine the awkwardness that might ensue should a spouse unwittingly call a Master Sergeant “sir” or a general officer “private.”

It Helps You Navigate the Military Community

Rank and responsibility don’t stop just because a service member takes off his or her uniform for the day. Understanding that rank often dictates social behavior during off-duty hours is also important. For example, while spouses aren’t limited by regulation on who they can socialize with, military service member interactions are often governed by regulation.

If a spouse doesn’t understand rank structure and fraternization rules, a continued refusal for dinner from a neighbor might be taken as a slight, when in actuality, the decline is a result of unit, installation or service policy.

Understanding rank structure also helps keep you from earning an earful or ticket because you parked in the rank-specific reserved parking spots at the commissary. Plus, knowing whether your spouse is enlisted or officer can also save you an afternoon of baking for the wrong spouses’ support group.

Now it’s your turn: Do you think that military spouses need to understand military rank? Why or why not?