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How to Prevent Conflict When Your In-Laws Visit You

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Many military couples host their in-laws, friends and extended family members during the summer months. Afterall, what’s the point of being stationed in Hawaii, if your house doesn’t become a revolving door for cousins who want to spend time with you, but also enjoy having you as their tour guide and your house as a free hotel room. You are happy to host them as your guests until you realize you are spending way more money on groceries when they are staying with you.

How to Prevent Conflict When Your In-Laws Visit You

Are hosting guests a financial strain on your budget? Can you ask your parents to buy the groceries when they are staying with you? Will your father-in-law watch your kids for date night?

What happens where you as the host feel like you can’t afford (or don’t want) to pay the costs associated with guests. This conflict over who pays seems like a source of unspoken frustration among military spouses.

A military spouse posted this question in a Facebook group:

When your relatives come to visit you, who pays for stuff? You or them? Can you ask them to help out around the house when they are staying with you?

Some military spouses responded saying they believe that guests shouldn’t pay or chip in with housework, ever. Your guests are on vacation and might have dropped serious cash to get there. The hosts should pick up the tab along with the extra work.

Others were firmly on the opposite end of the spectrum. Visitors are getting free lodging so assisting with cooking, cleaning, child care or groceries is a fair trade.

Most military spouses agreed that every situation is unique. Cost of travel and budget were factors that everyone considered. Others talked about the frequency of visits and reciprocity of the expectations when the host/guest roles are reversed.

Where is the disconnect?

Almost everyone agreed that family visits can be a huge source of conflict, especially when the in-laws are involved.

The heart of these might be a lack of shared cultural, familial history. It could be that your mother-in-law comes from a family where hosts have historically paid for everything. Maybe this is how it worked with her own mother-in-law!

When the visit or your guest’s expectations don’t go as you thought, it can cause frustration. Over time, with visit after visit, the frustration turns to anger which turns to resentment.

How can you prevent family vacation conflicts?

It all comes down to communication! If things are going well, you’re probably on the same wavelength. When you’re feeling frustrated during a family visit, it’s time to have a friendly sit-down.

First, decide what you are comfortable doing as a host. What makes you frustrated or upset? Is it having to do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping and paying? Are you comfortable with splitting things in different ways? What do you want your guests to help, or not help, with?

Be very clear with yourself and your spouse. Knowing where you are willing to compromise is just as important as your hard limits.

Solve family visit conflicts

Start neutrally:

“What do you want to do tomorrow?”

Share a few different activities that everyone can enjoy and bring out brochures. Talk about price and ask if this activity is in their budget. You could do this with any part of your trip from tourist attractions to meal planning to paying for gas.

Sit down with your visitors to plot out the events and meals that will happen during the vacation. Ask about which activities fit their budget. Share unique eating experiences in your area at a variety of price points and ask which ones they think will best suit them. Invite them to go grocery shopping with you.

For slightly more complicated situations, you might need to be more to the point. Request politely and kindly that your guest helps you.

You could try:

  • While I cook the main course, could you prep the salad?
  • Please feel free to bring your favorite drinks with you, as we mostly drink water.
  • Would you be able to step in with the kids while I (go for a run, head to the store, do this chore)?

Another route is giving praise for desired actions:

  • Thanks so much for putting on the coffee! I so appreciate having hot coffee when I woke up today!
  • The kids love spending time with you, especially since we live so far apart. I know they’re over the moon to just be with you!
  • You make such good (food item)! We’d love to share this special meal with you! Could we make it together?
  • It’s so nice to have your help (sorting the laundry, emptying the dishwasher, walking the dog)! Thanks!

Often it could just take a nudge or gentle push to move your guests to help you, if that’s what you want.

What happens in a stand-off?

You might find yourself between a rock and a hard place. You’re super uncomfortable in your own home and stretched beyond your limits.

The first conversation should be with your spouse. Decompress and share your frustrations with him or her. Explain what would make this visit better or at least slightly easier. Then create a plan of action to find a solution. You and your spouse should take this on as a team.

If your conflict is with a member of your own family, you should handle it. For in-law issues, your spouse should take the lead. Yes, these conversations will be awkward and uncomfortable, but they need to happen. Not talking about it is a recipe for more anger and resentment in the future.

Start small and use lots of “I feel” statements.

“I feel very tired after working all day and taking care of the kids. It’s overwhelming for me to cook dinner by myself for everyone every night.”

Talk about the good points of the visit, too. Share fun experiences that you’ve done together or how much their visit means to your kids. Then make your big ask. What is it that would make the visit more enjoyable for you as the host?

“I love spending time with you, but doing all the cooking and then all the cleaning makes it hard to do that. Would you be willing to dry if I wash?”

If your concern is financial, be upfront about that, too.

“We love going to all these great places, but we are really watching our bottom line right now. We cannot afford to pay for everyone in our group to go. Can we find another solution?”

Your guests might be genuinely surprised to hear your frustrations!

While it might be really uncomfortable, you could find solutions that work for everyone. Even if things aren’t 100% better, at the very least, you’ve shared your feelings.

If things remain at a stand-off, consider ways to meet on neutral territory. You could pick a location in the middle where you can both stay in hotels or shorten their visits, if possible.

How do you have handled host/guest conflicts? Share your best tips in the comments!

8 Financial Stressors Military Couples Face and How to Overcome Them

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There are many things that set military couples apart from civilians, but financial stressors we all share. Sure military families have different financial stressors than civilian families, but they are there nonetheless.

Here are 8 financial stressors military families face and how to overcome them.

8 Financial Stressors Military Couples Face and How to Overcome Them

Not Agreeing on How to Handle Finances

Most couples are made up of one spender and one saver. This can be great as the saver can keep the spender in check and the spender can get the saver to live a little. When a couple can’t decide together how best to handle money, financial stressors occur.

To overcome this, sit down and talk to each other. Set aside time when children are not around and there are no interruptions so that you can have a serious financial discussion. Don’t leave the table until a decision has been made.

Not Communicating

Communication is key in a healthy relationship. If you are not being honest with yourself or your spouse about spending, more financial stressors will occur.

Do you hide shopping bags in your car until your spouse isn’t home so they don’t see how much shopping you’ve done?

Ask yourself why you feel the need to do so. Did you spend more than you should of? Are you worried they will be upset with you for this?

Not Creating a Budget

Forget financial stressors, money-conscious couples that set budgets have less stress. Knowing how much money is coming in and going out will bring relief.

Knowing that you have enough money to pay all the bills by allocating money each month will set fears aside. As a couple, decide how much money you want to save and how much you’re comfortable spending each month.

Putting Off Saving for Retirement

When you’re young and facing bills, saving for retirement might be the last thing on your mind. Savvy savers know that saving now for retirement can alleviate financial stressors. You can contact a financial planner, attend a saving for retirement seminar or do your own research.

The sooner you start saving for retirement, the better off you’ll be when the time comes.

Not Having an Emergency Savings

It is recommended to have an emergency fund with the greater of either 2 weeks’ worth of pay or $1,000. You can use an emergency fund calculator to determine the right amount that your family should save. When an unexpected event occurs that brings in a large bill, financial stressors arise. Help lower the stress by having a plan already in place.

Taking on More Debt Than You Can Handle

You and your spouse need to be realistic on what you can afford. Keeping up with the Joneses is what gets military families into trouble.

If you can’t afford it, don’t buy it.

Just because your neighbor has a new car or put in a pool does not mean that you need to do the same thing.

How many financial stressors do you need in your life?

Is trying to keep up with the social status of your neighbors or friends worth the burden?

Be realistic with your wallet. If you can’t afford the payments on a new car, maybe you don’t need such an expensive one.

Struggling with Finances on Your Own During a Deployment

When your spouse is deployed and you are unable to communicate immediately or even frequently, financial decisions are often made on your own.

It can be extremely frustrating when financial stressors arise during a deployment. You don’t have your significant other to help you make a decision and are forced to deal with it on your own.

Setting time aside before your spouse deploys to discuss what to do in this instance can help significantly.

Not Expecting a Baby to Change Your Finances Dramatically

If you don’t have children yet, you might not understand this but it is true. Children are expensive. The more you have, the more it will cost you. Having a child unexpectedly can create financial stressors if you aren’t prepared. Not everyone gets the opportunity to plan ahead for a growing family, but if you are able to plan financially for your little one, life will be a little easier.

Which of these financial stressors is your military family facing? How are you planning to overcome them?

How 2016 BAH Rates May Affect Your Family

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Every year military service members and their families wait to find out what is going to change with their BAH rates. BAH, which stands for Basic Allowance for Housing, is based on your ZIP code. This allowance is supposed to be put toward your housing costs.

How the 2016 BAH Rates May Affect Your Military Family

On average, BAH is only meant to cover 98 percent of housing costs instead of 100 percent.

If you live on post, you are not going to get BAH but you won’t have to pay rent either. If you live in privatized housing on base, you receive your housing allowance and pay it to the private housing manager each month.

If your BAH rates have gone up you will be making a little more each month. On average they have gone up $54 per month this year, nationwide. However, the amount that the BAH is supposed to cover is down 2 percent.

This doesn’t mean that you can’t find a place within the limits of your monthly allowance, but that on average, BAH is only meant to cover 98 percent of the costs now instead of the full 100 percent that the allowance used to cover.

If your rates have gone down, you don’t need to worry at first. They will not change until you move or when your service member gets a promotion. Then they will be adjusted based on your location and rank.

Now, if the rate that you are supposed to get paid when you change rank is lower than it was before the change, you will be grandfathered in to your old rate. This is good because no one will receive less than they are getting in the previous year unless they are making a change.

I always used to enjoy that first paycheck of the new year when our LES reflected our new BAH rates. We were lucky in that all our time in active duty Army, the rates always went up. This didn’t mean that we would run out to buy a bigger house or spend more on rent but having a little bit extra each month to put toward our bills was always nice.

When buying a house, we knew we wanted our mortgage to stay below our BAH. Luckily we can make that happen in our current location but that might not always be the case. You should keep in mind that off-base rent might be pretty close to your BAH since a lot of the landlords know the BAH rates and charge based on that amount.

If your BAH does go up, put the extra money in savings or use the money to help with your debt. You will be glad that you did.

In the case that your BAH is going down and being close to a move or a promotion, think about how much you will be getting after the change. You might find yourself frustrated because of the change. You might have assumed you would be making more money once you got promoted but sticking to a budget will be your best bet. Make housing choices based on the new amount and you won’t run into any financial problems.

If you are planning a move to a new duty station, check the rates for the next year. When trying to decide on where to live, you will need to know how much in BAH you are going to be getting. Ideally, you should have your BAH cover your housing, including utilities, but that isn’t always a possibility in all areas.

With proper planning, you don’t have to worry if your BAH fluctuates. You can adjust and figure out how to make the new rate work for you and your family.

Is your service member’s BAH increasing in 2016? Click here to find out so you can start planning for any future moves or changes to where you are living.

 

Take the Savings Pledge And Promote Military Savings

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Military SavesMilitary Saves Week 2015 is February 23-28 and is a great time to assess your military savings plan. This is a weeklong initiative of the DoD’s Financial Readiness Campaign to promote military savings within the military community with thousands of businesses participating. Events are being held on military installations around the world during this time to help service members set a goal, make a plan and save automatically. Installations, organizations and businesses will be promoting positive military savings and offering opportunities to learn how to save and build wealth, not debt.

The campaign aims to motivate service members to save a portion of each paycheck, develop a personal financial plan, establish good credit and enroll in programs such as: Thrift Savings Plan, Savings Deposit Program and Group Life Insurance to encourage military savings. Banks, credit unions and financial services organizations are all participating by offering special deals and information sessions during this time to help educate the community about the importance of military savings.

Take the Savings Pledge During Military Saves Week

Military Saves slogan is “Start Small, Think Big.”

Many military installations will be offering workshops and seminars. If you’re stationed at Darby Military Community, Italy, you could learn about military savings while shopping. “Take an adventure in learning basic thrift and savings skills while shopping. The outing includes trips to several consignment and second-hand stores in Livorno and Stagno.” Yep, you win.

Whether you go on an awesome outing in Italy, sit in on a financial savings seminar in Jacksonville or simply scroll through militarysaves.org, you’ll be taking a step in the right direction of moving toward better savings.

So how do you actually save money?

It all starts with making a plan and a commitment to stick to it. You don’t have to be tough on yourself and pinch pennies; make a savings plan that is easy to follow and realistic. It’s easier to have short goals, such as saving $10 a week, rather than telling yourself you need $500 by the end of the year for an emergency fund. This is exactly what I thought of when I read their slogan: Start Small, Think Big. Not only is it catchy, but it’s a great way to look at savings. Many people become intimidated by the big picture and don’t know how or where to start.

You could begin by visiting their website. It offers tips and strategies for saving, lists events hosted on each base and has a long list of resources. Then sit down with your spouse and discuss what your savings goals should be and if you would like to attend an event or make an appointment to speak with a financial counselor. Each step you take strengthens your financial future and having healthy finances and an open line of communication are key to reaching that goal.

Related: 3 Easy Ways to Spend Less Money in 2015

Include children in this week’s activities as well. Military Youth Saves is a program designed to motivate children and teenagers to develop good savings habits early. It teaches them to create their own savings plan and to save a little bit of money each month to reach a goal. This is a great time to start a piggy bank or open a savings account for your child.

Take the Savings Pledge During Military Saves Week

Don’t pinch pennies; pick up loose change! It really adds up.

Be a good role model. Whether you know it or not, your children are watching and learning from what you do. If you drop your loose change in the piggy bank by the door, sooner or later they’ll start snatching up loose coins too and putting them in their piggy banks. Show them that saving money for the future is important.

If you’re on a tight budget, you might think it’s hard to start a military savings plan, but it is possible. Military Saves Week can give you the tools you need to make it happen. It’s up to you to take advantage of them. Take the Savers Pledge and start saving today.

Take the Savings Pledge During Military Saves Week

Military Saves Week activities teach service members and their families to build wealth, not debt.

What events are going on at your installation for Military Savings Week? Have you taken the Savers Pledge? Tell us in the comments section.

Reduce the Festive Debt: 6 Ways to Not Overspend During the Holidays

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The holiday shopping season is here!  Whether we like it or not, military families need to start thinking about the holidays. This time of year can be really stressful for people, especially if you are on a tight budget. So what can you do about it?

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6 Ways to Avoid Overspending During the Holiday Season

  1. Write out your budget and stick to it. I do this ever year. I write out everything we need to purchase from what we will eat on Christmas Day to the teacher’s gifts. On this list, I write down a spending limit on each gift for everyone. Then, when it is time to go shopping, I know what my budget is. The amount you spend on each member of your family will be different for everyone depending on your income and budget.
  2. Share a meal with friends. When you are a military family it might not be feasible to spend the holidays with extended family. Instead of having a meal for just your family, why not get together with others to make a meal together? You won’t have to buy every single ingredient and you will be able to save a little money that way. It is also nice to spend time with friends if you can’t be with your family during the holidays.
  3. Shop the sales. When it comes to buying presents for my kids I am all about the sales. I start checking them early. I want to be able to find the things I want for a discounted rate. I can save a lot of money this way, it just takes some time to figure out which stores have what toys on sale and when they are offering their discounts. You might also consider layaway. This is when you save an item at the store and pay a little bit on it each time you go in. You can take it home when you have paid for it in full. This might be a much better option than putting something on a credit card and trying to pay it off after Christmas. Check if your favorite stores offer this plan.
  4. Make homemade gifts. You can bake some yummy goodies and give those out at gifts too. It is really cost-effective to do this and can be a lot of fun. Most people really enjoy baked goods around this time of year so you can’t go wrong there. If you don’t like to bake but are crafty, there are a lot of different things you can make as gifts. Take a look at the MilitaryShoppers Pinterest boards for ideas.
  5. Stay home. For the past several years we have not gone anywhere for the holidays. The price of airfare is way too high. It would really blow our budget. We have been able to have a nice family Christmas in our own home and it has been great. Our kids wake up in their own home and we don’t have to go anywhere all day long.  This isn’t always an option for everyone but there is something nice about a simple Christmas at home and it will save you a lot of money in travel expenses.
  6. Pick a name. My family is quite small so we don’t do this but I think it would be a good idea for large families. Out of all the adults in the family, you buy a present for 1 person. You get assigned a name and you buy for that 1 person. It can be a fun way of giving for Christmas without having to buy something for every single person in your family.christmas, holidays, technology and shopping concept

The holidays can be a stressful time but they don’t have to be. Try some of these tips to keep your budget under control during this time of year. You will be thankful you did when the credit card statements arrive in January.

What are your tips for reducing debt and spending less during the holiday season?