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Why I Don’t Travel Home for the Holidays

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If things were perfect, I would be the first one to raise my hand for a family-filled holiday season. I grew up in a large family filled with aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. Every holiday was an excellent reason to spend time together, enjoying delicious food and creating memories.

Things aren’t perfect, however. As much as I would love to have those same gut-busting, house-filled-to-the-brim holidays for my children, it’s not our reality.

Why I Don’t Travel Home for the Holidays

Children are not great travel buddies.

Did I mention I have a toddler and an infant right now? If you’ve ever tried to take young children anywhere, you know it can be a recipe for disaster. Everything can go up in smoke at any second and it stresses me out.

First, there are the planning logistics. We need to figure out how many seats to buy for that long-haul flight home. There is so much math involved to figure out if buying the baby a seat makes sense that my head hurts.

Then there are the car seats. We could buy a spare set to keep in our hometown, but then we have to figure out seating on the plane. There’s always the gamble of bringing the baby’s seat on the plane hoping against hope for an empty spot in our row. However, we could end up gate checking it at the last minute.

Checking the kids’ car seats is a whole other situation. We’ve been burned before by car seats that were damaged in cargo.

If we drive, there are the endless hours in the car. Our oldest is potty trained but often needs a bathroom on short notice. Both kids have limited attention spans, so movies are not going to cut it for the whole trip. There are only so many times I can listen to the “Moana” soundtrack.

Doing this with children is, clearly, not ideal. But if this were the only roadblock or the distance were shorter, it could be doable.

We’re not exactly next door.

The closest we have ever been stationed to our home state was an 8- to 10-hour drive under ideal road, weather and traffic conditions. Mess with any of those factors and that drive is looking much longer.

Have you ever tried to cross the George Washington Bridge in the snow the day before Thanksgiving? It is not fun. Inevitably, someone would need to use a bathroom while we were stuck in the middle of the bridge.

We made it before children arrived and when we had just one in diapers. With two, making that drive with literally every other person in the region would be terrible. There is very little anyone could say that would entice me to spend so long in a car, in traffic, listening to a 3 year old scream about needing a potty right now. Sorry, kid, we’re on a bridge and the next rest stop is 2 hours away.

Right now, we live half a world away. Driving home for the holidays isn’t an option. Our flights would make that car ride seem like a trip to Disney. And the prices would make our credit cards shrink with fear.

Even at non-holiday times, round trips top $1,500 per person. We would need at least 3 seats. I’ve never done more than a quick look at the holiday season pricing. It terrifies me. There would be no presents for anyone for Christmas. Not even Santa’s magic would be able to make that work.

Financially, we would not be able to swing traveling home for the holidays unless we were within driving distance. Even then, I would emerge from that car looking like the bride of Frankenstein with the temper of a junkyard dog.

No room at the inn.

Or in this case, the house. We both have families that would gladly put us up, but we run into complications.

There is the endless rearranging of bedrooms and sleeping spaces. So much so that I feel a little guilty about visiting and kicking someone out of their cozy bed! Neither of our families has palatial homes, but everyone who lives there permanently makes it work well.

When we roll up, adding 4 more bodies, things get tight very quickly. Of course, everyone says it’s no big deal and that they love to have us stay. Having hosted large family visits, I know the sigh of exhausted relief when you finally collapse into your own bed again. I know.

Then there is the childproofing. Not everyone in our extended families has child safe homes. Again, their homes work for them, and not everyone has curious children getting into the fine china.

Instead of being able to kick back, sing carols and enjoy dessert, I’m stuck chasing down Junior and preventing another tree accident.

Having so much togetherness, especially in the winter, can be challenging. There is no outside to escape to where we are from unless you enjoy freezing temperatures. So everyone is stuck inside. That’s a lot of together time in tight quarters. Luckily, we love our family, but I’m not sure they would feel as kindly toward us after the visit.

We won’t be traveling home for the holidays this year.

It might not even happen anytime soon, depending on where we move next. This year, our families haven’t even asked. I think they just know it’s not going to happen.

In the past, we’ve always explained about the cost and stress of traveling at such a busy time with such little people.

So far, they have all been understanding. We also try to visit during the non-holiday season and invite family to visit our home as well.

For family or friends looking to escape their usual holiday routine, our door is open and the guest bed is ready. Although we understand if you don’t want to brave the rigors of holiday travel either.

Do you have times when you don’t want to travel or visit your family?

Why I Need a New Best Friend at Every Duty Station

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“It takes a village to raise a child.”

While I wholeheartedly agree with that statement, I also think that we can just drop the whole “to raise a child” bit. For me, it just takes a village. By village, I mean friends. Especially a best friend.

Why I Need a New Best Friend at Every Duty Station

Finding a new best friend at every duty station is tough, but it’s so worth it!

Yes, we all have that one best best friend. The guy or gal who knows all of your secrets since the beginning of time. Who has been with you through the best and worst of times.

As military spouses, we can also benefit from having a best friend at each duty station.

It’s so comforting to have someone that gets you. When your spouse is gone or working late, it’s nice to have someone to explore your new location with. It’s great for trying out all those cutesy cafes, wandering around historic districts and even watching that rom-com for the millionth time.

Finding that best friend over and over and over again is just plain hard though!

First you have to put yourself out there in a serious way. It means meeting the neighbors, mingling with other military spouses in the new unit and trying out new clubs or groups.

Then you have to follow-up. Send texts, become Facebook friends or send out smoke signals. Sometimes, even that isn’t enough.

After you find a friend, then begins the vetting process to determine best friend potential. You need to dig into shared interests, common agreements about life and a joint love of wacky jokes (or whatever your thing might be).

If it’s not a good match, you’re stuck starting over again!

Sometimes, finding a new best friend can seem like climbing Everest: worthwhile, but a battle to accomplish. Just doing this a few times in a lifetime is unbelievably hard. Finding a new best friend every 3 years, or less, can seem nearly insurmountable! It’s almost enough to want to give up on the whole idea of a bestie and just stick to casual acquaintances.

You still have people to hang with, but without all the stress of being joined at the hip. Or having to “replace” your friend when one of you moves.

It’s tough finding a new best friend, yes, but it is so worth it!

Your new best friend could be where you least expect. I’ve found best friends while running, in my spouse’s office and through friends. She or he could be the person right across the street!

Part of finding a new best friend is going to involve putting yourself out there, yes. So many friend-finding opportunities are just part of the military life!

Mandatory fun days, pre-deployment briefs and living on-base are all chances to bump into someone who could be your PERSON.

Before you know it, you are swapping salty military spouse stories, sharing recipes and are inseparable.

There are also other great ways to find your next best friend. Check out a local fitness meet-up, like Stroller Warriors or a cross-fit box.

If you are religious, seek out a church, temple or Bible study in your neck of the woods.

When you come with youngsters, find a preschool support group like MOPS or a gym with a child care co-op program.

For those heading to work, your new pal could be your desk mate or office neighbor.

No matter how you found your new best friend, having one is important.

When the going gets tough, military spouses need someone to rely on. With our spouses gone often, or mostly in-and-out, a best friend becomes the person I rely on.

When I’m sick, she brings me medicine or chicken soup or takes the kids for the afternoon. We swap date night child care duties or have weekly dinner/play dates when the guys are gone. If the car breaks down, I know I have someone to call from the mechanic. I always have a dinner partner when cookie dough a la tube is on the menu too.

It’s why I need to have a best friend at every duty station.

I need a village to help get me through the tough times and to celebrate the best times. My best friends, no matter where I am or where they are, have helped me to survive and thrive in this military life.

How did you find your best friend at your current duty station?

When Deployment Is the Reason Mom or Dad Won’t Be Home for the Holidays

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The holidays are coming and you are supposed to be getting excited about the season, however, this year, your spouse is not going to be there. They are going to be on a deployment or away on training.

When Deployment Is the Reason Mom or Dad Won't Be Home for Christmas

It may be hard for your child to understand why their parent is on a deployment during the holidays.

Many military families have been through this. For us personally, my husband has missed quite a few holidays because he has been deployed or had to be away from us for different reasons.

As soon as you know that your spouse will be deployed for the holidays, you need to make a plan to tell your kids. If they are very young you might not have to say much if anything at all. Just do what you would normally do.

If they are older and can understand what is going on, let them know that a parent will be gone because of a deployment. Explain to them that the parent who has to be away because of the deployment wants to be there for the holidays but they will not be able to. Share how much they will miss being home during that time.

Help the child understand that the deployment is the reason the parent will be gone and not because they don’t want to be there.

When Deployment Is the Reason Mom or Dad Won't Be Home for Christmas

Plan to decorate and celebrate, even if your spouse isn’t home this holiday season.

If there is a small chance that your spouse might make it home in time, don’t tell your children about that. Planning to surprise them later with the news that the deployment is over would be better than having to tell them that their mom or dad will not be there after you told them they would be.

After you have told your children you should decide what you will do during the holidays when your spouse is deployed. Some people decide to visit family. I was able to do this one year and being with family made that time during the deployment a lot easier on me and my son.

If you can not visit family, maybe you can have someone come to you. Ask your family to see if anyone is willing to come if they do not offer. They might not realize how much being there would be able to help you during the deployment.

Another option is to find friends to spend the day with who are also in the middle of a deployment. We did this with my husband’s second deployment. He was going to be gone for Christmas so I made a plan with a few of my friends. We had Christmas at our own homes and then met at a friend’s house to make a Christmas meal together. That way, we were not alone, our kids would have other children to play with and being with others helped us not dwell on the fact that our husbands were deployed. The day went well and we all had a great time.

If your spouse is going to be gone for the whole holiday season you should still plan to decorate and celebrate as much as you can.

Some parts of the holiday will be different. You might not make a big meal and you won’t be able to play Santa together but keeping a lot of the same traditions as you normally do each year is important for the kids. You don’t want them to feel like they are missing out on everything just because their mom or dad is deployed.

Try to keep your spirits up during this time. Remember that the deployment will be over eventually and you can always have a belated celebration then. Do the best you can to make the holidays great for you and your children even if your spouse is gone on a deployment.

What are your tips for talking to your children about deployment during the holiday season?

How to Amp up the Holiday Spirit When Your Spouse Is Deployed

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I love the holiday season. It’s my absolute favorite time of year because it brings families together to celebrate the wonderful things in our lives. When I was single and lived away from my parents, I always made my way back to my childhood home. It meant everything to be able to spend Christmas with them.

Then, I married my husband and for the first 2 years of our relationship, we were lucky to spend it together with my parents. It felt amazing that the most important things that I loved were together.

6 Tips to Keep the Holiday Spirit When Your Spouse Is Deployed

But, what if you have a loved one that can’t be home for Christmas because of military duty?

Military families are not strangers to separation. Last year, my husband couldn’t be home. I was bummed and seriously didn’t know how I was going to get through a holiday that was typically joyous for me. It’s easy to dismiss the holidays when your spouse is away, so I turned into a bonafide Grinch.

It’s not fair to yourself and the family members that can actually spend time with you this holiday season. Don’t forget the true spirit of the holidays and enjoy yourself and remember all the special moments outside the holiday season that makes it worth it.

Here are my top 6 ways to amp up the holiday spirit, when your spouse is deployed.

6 Tips to Keep the Holiday Spirit When Your Spouse Is Deployed

  1. Stay with family. I exercise this rule a lot. I find that family is a wonderful backbone. Whenever I feel alone, I reach out to them. It’s understandable that sometimes flying or driving to family might be hard, but along your military journey, you’ve most likely made lifelong friends that are a part of your military family. The most important thing is to not be alone. Even with your beloved away, there are so many other people that care about you. Remember that.
  2. Trim the tree and hang the stockings. Keep your family traditions alive and still do everything that you’ve done with your spouse around. Seriously, no cheating when decorating and if you do need help with anything heavy or new ideas, enlist your friends to help you.
  3. Treat yourself to an unexpected gift. As you’re Christmas shopping for others in your family, throw in some items that you’ve been wanting yourself. Last year, I bought a pair of awesome black knee high boots. Yes, it was a little impractical, but I wear these boots every other day during the winter months. When I wear them this year, it’s a nice reminder of the things that I managed to do while he was away. Make sure you plan some “me” time.
  4. Attend a holiday-related show. A friend took me to see the Radio City Christmas Spectacular. Wow. Talk about getting into the holiday spirit! I loved it. There are tons of other shows out there that are holiday-themed. Local ballet companies perform The Nutcracker, so that’s a nice option. Take a look at your local theaters for any other shows or maybe plan a trip to a nearby city that is putting on a good show. Ask around for recommendations.
  5. Plan (if you can) holiday Skype dates with your spouse. When my husband was away, I looked forward to the moments I could see his face. During the holiday season, it was extra special to see him because I was able to share with him everything going on. It meant so much to be able to have any time to talk face-to-face. Every Skype date helped me charge through the holiday season to our inevitable reunion.
  6. Document the holiday season for your spouse. Although your spouse isn’t there in person, they are there in spirit. I’m sure they would appreciate anything that helps them imagine that they are home. The beauty of modern technology is that we have phones that can take pictures and video at any time. When you’re out and experiencing a fun festive activity, grab your phone and snap a few shots. At the end of the season, it’s fun to print everything or create an electronic album to share, so when your spouse comes back, you can relive the memories as if he was there.

What tips do you have for military spouses to enjoy the holiday season when their husbands are deployed? Please share them in the comments section.