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7 Tips from a Military Spouse to Her Younger Self

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I won’t say I’m old, but if there was a miracle pill to knock a couple of years off, I’d be interested.

For all of my fears and frustrations about getting older, I know I have earned every gray hair, every fine line. They tell the story of a life that, while it’s had its ups and downs, I really can’t complain about it too much.

But as I watch my oldest child begin to figure out her place in the world and prepare to move out on her own, it got me thinking about myself at her age.

If given the chance what would I want my younger military spouse self to know? What imparting wisdom could I dish out to help make my future just a bit better?

Here’s what I came up with:

7 Tips from a Military Spouse to Her Younger Self

If given the chance what would I want my younger military spouse self to know?

7 Tips from a Military Spouse to Her Younger Self

Attend College

Less than half of American adults have a college degree. I was part of the majority without one until just a couple of years ago.

While a college degree won’t solve every problem, it can open doors and help with career advancement and employment.

Many military spouses already have a degree or some form of formal training before they become military spouses, which is amazing!  But don’t stop learning. If you’re like me and on the 20+ year plan or you are looking for a second or advanced degree, utilize the resources the military community has to offer.

Programs like MyCAA can help junior enlisted and officer spouses to obtain or continue pursuit of a degree. There are scholarships only available to military dependents and there are a great many programs and universities who offer discounted rates to military spouses.

Get your college degree – it will pay off in so many ways.

Find Your Passion

As you move from place to place, a passion or hobby can make wherever you are stationed feel like home.

A passion gives you something to occupy your time when your spouse is fighting in parts unknown.

A passion gives you something to look forward to when those horrible-terrible-no-good-very-bad days rear their ugly heads.

And your passion just might be the icebreaker you need to make new friends who share a similar interest or who are interested in learning.

Learn to Budget/Schedule/Plan

Mind-numbing waiting at the doctor’s office, empty bank accounts and frantic searches for missing berets or boots at zero dark-thirty can all be avoided with some forethought.

If creating spending plans (and sticking to them) or developing schedules and plans doesn’t come naturally to you, buy a book, or take a class or print off one of the million or so examples on Pinterest.

Get good at being organized. It will pay off a thousand-fold in both your finances and sanity.

Pick Your Friends Wisely

It is all too easy to latch onto an unhealthy friendship when you feel out of place or lonely. But, sometimes those friendships born of low-hanging fruit can do more harm than good.

Put in the effort to build real friendships that last. Don’t write people off because of appearances or even first impressions.

Hint: real friendships don’t equal drama, drama, drama!

Save for a Rainy Day

Before you know it, you’ll be looking at retirement.

Or the need for a new car.

Or the desire to buy a house.

Or the desire to have a baby (or two or three!).

This lesson isn’t really military spouse specific, but it is one I wish I had learned much sooner.

Always, always, always, pay yourself first. Even if it’s just $10 a paycheck, get into the habit of putting money away. Your future self with thank you, trust me.

Buy Smart and Don’t Buy on Credit

Hand in hand with saving, be smart about your money. If you can at all avoid it, skip using credit cards for anything other than emergencies.

That $500 want-it-now purchase suddenly turns into a $1,000 burden when you add in all the interest.

Be patient and save until you can afford to pay cash for what you need.

At the same time, don’t deprive yourself of things. Go back to the lesson about budgeting and figure out a way to be smart about what you buy.

Enjoy and Experience

Don’t let the experience of being a military spouse pass you by without taking time to enjoy it.

While the challenges are difficult and never-ending, the benefits and experiences this life has to offer are second to none. See the world, taste the food, take pictures. Meet people, try new things, explore.

Learn to laugh at mistakes, empathize with your neighbor and trust that your presence in every place and moment has a purpose and a reason.

What advice would you give to your younger self? Share it in the comment section.

What is PCS Remorse and How to Get Over It

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As summer draws to an end, most of us who followed a set of PCS orders to a new duty station have arrived, found a place to live and unpacked our household goods.

The whirlwind rush of cross-country or transcontinental travel has dissipated. You’ve identified the best route to the commissary, clinic and a decent take-out place. And now that the shock and excitement of all things new has begun to wear off, the reality of our current situation begins to set in.

Maybe your new on-base housing is sub-par to your previous location.

Maybe the weather is always cold or gray and rainy.

Maybe the neighbors are standoffish and the only options for extracurricular activities for the kids is the one thing they aren’t interested in.

And to top it all off, the friends you left behind keep posting updates from your favorite old hang-outs. Or worse yet, maybe your milspouse bestie has PCSed to some tropical wonderland and her Instagram account is overflowing with pictures of sunsets, beaches and fruity umbrella drinks.

Suddenly, everywhere you look things are wrong and you’d give anything to pack everything back up and go somewhere, anywhere else.

There’s no doubt, you’ve got it.

You’ve got PCS remorse and you’ve got it bad.

Chin up chickadee. While your apprehension and dissatisfaction with a less-than-stellar duty station is normal, you can overcome that negative outlook. All it takes is a little adjustment in perspective.

What is PCS Remorse and How to Get Over It

Have you ever found yourself hating your duty station?

Look for Something Good to Focus on

No matter how bad something is, there is always a silver lining. And if that little voice in your head tells you things are bad, it can color how you see everything around you. Even the good.

Make a point to find something good, something you like about your new location.. Even if it’s just the fact that the water pressure in the shower is out of this world, seeing one good thing can be a stepping stone to others.

Remember that Social Media isn’t Always the Whole Truth

Yes, those amazing tropical sunsets are enviable, but try to keep in mind that most people only tend to share the best and most positive aspects of their lives. So while the beach is pretty, the horrendous traffic, dinosaur-sized mosquitoes, and $8 gallon of milk offer balance for all of that dreamy scenery.

Get Mad, Get Sad and Then Get Over It

Change is hard, especially when it’s abrupt or doesn’t live up to expectations.

It’s OK to get mad or to be a little blue. Those are normal and natural emotions that must be expressed in order to be resolved. Give yourself some time to grief and adjust, but then focus on making the most of what you’ve got.

While things might not be great, they can almost always be worse. Decide to change your perspective and then work to make it happen.

Sometimes finding things to look forward to can help. Maybe it’s taking a long bath every Friday night. Maybe it’s pizza for dinner on Sundays or a nightly jog up to a pretty vantage point. Whatever it is, let yourself enjoy it.

Forget everything else and live in that moment. Joy can brighten your outlook and help to make everything else look a little less glum.

Make a Plan for Distraction

If simply going about your daily routine isn’t enough to shake off those negative feelings, make deliberate plans to engage in an activity that will distract you.

A new exercise routine, planting a garden, taking up a new hobby, volunteering or even going back to school can help you find something to devote your energy to. Focus your energy on learning and growing despite your surroundings. You’ll be amazed at how much it helps to make even the bleakest of days look better.

Have you ever found yourself hating your duty station? What did you do to get through that challenging time?

5 Important Things You Can Do to Save Your Military Marriage

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Military spouses, almost immediately after saying “I do,” realize that being married to a service member brings its own unique challenges. Aside from unexpected moves, forced separation and countless other military-related things, we also know a marriage in itself can create difficult challenges.

Last month, I shared with you 5 Things That Can Destroy a Military Marriage. It was a list identifying specific actions that cause problems in our relationships, particularly those married to service members.

Again, I turned to my parents for inspiration on the things we can do to help us nurture and ultimately save a military marriage. Here’s what I learned.

5 Important Things You Can Do to Save Your Military Marriage

Don’t take your cohabiting time for granted! Dedicate quality time for the two of you.

In a military marriage, it’s important to:

1. Communicate with each other. I think it’s one of the biggest things you should do. How many of us like to complain? I’m totally guilty of it and it’s totally natural to get annoyed and shut down. But when we shut down and stay silent, we stop communicating with our service member. That’s not good in a military marriage.

Most of the things that can destroy your marriage can be resolved by communicating and listening.

If you approach every conversation with an open heart and mind, communicating with your spouse can help clear a lot of conflict. Remember to be understanding and use this dialogue between to find a compromise. Because of how important it is to listen to each other, speak taking turns, so you don’t overpower each other.

Also, don’t let distance stop you. Even if your spouse is away, use the form of communication that is available. The Internet was how my husband and I spoke to each other while he was overseas and it helped us work through our issues.

2. Compliment your partner. In addition to openly communicating, it’s just as important to compliment each other in the things that we do love about each other. Compliment on things that are done for you and also on “just because” things.

I’m a sucker for my husband’s smile and if you know him, you know that his smile doesn’t appear that often (he’s quite a serious dude). So, at the moments I see that smile from ear to ear, I tell him how much I love seeing it. As a result, I actually see that smile a lot more– must be a subliminal thing!

Don’t let it stop at physical compliments. Take it to an emotional level too. It’s said that complimenting increases self-confidence and self-worth, so it’s a great way to strengthen your bond.

3. Date each other. We all know that separation is difficult. It can even create distance when you and your spouse are back together because we get used to our solo routine. Don’t take your cohabiting time for granted! Dedicate quality time for the two of you. Whether you and your spouse agree to try a brand-new activity or do something that is near and dear to both of you, it’s really important to keep the romance alive.

4. Allow for space. It is a little weird to say that being alone is important after encouraging you to communicate and date, but maintaining your own personal space gives you and your partner the necessary downtime needed to recharge and get your mind back on track. Alone time allows me to reflect on my relationships. As a result, my marriage is stronger because of the balance I have with myself and my husband.

5. Embrace each other and military life. First, physical contact can remind us of the love we have for our spouse. There is something special about the warmth of a hug or the touch of a hand. For me, it’s soothing. The mere thought of hugging my husband makes me feel happy.

Second, you must choose to embrace your marriage and the military. Let’s be honest, some disputes might actually stem from an extenuating military circumstance. I can’t tell you how many times that I’ve been downright upset or confused (sometimes I mix the two) because of a military-related decision. You both can blame each other for what the military throws your way. Instead, embrace the lifestyle together.

What’s the best piece of marriage advice you’ve ever received?