Deployments among military families are a commonality. While the operational tempo seems to have slowed in comparison to a decade ago, deployments are a normal part of military life. Deployments are not enjoyable for military children at any age. It is a time when one parent is across the world, unavailable for regular and usual communication. It can be especially difficult if the deployed parent is the one who does bedtime or the usual driving for the Saturday activities. Deployment is a change in pattern, no matter what is going on.
Can we all agree that being a teen is challenging? It is a time of building on self-esteem and evaluating body image to include the stress of academics and activities while developing character. Add in the challenge of family separation from a family member with the added worry about that family member during deployment and it can be a difficult situation to manage.
Communication
With as much lead time as possible, have an open discussion with the teenager about the deployment. Talk about expectations for the deployment from home and for the service member. Set aside time to allow for your teen to ask questions that may have come up later after the initial discussion. Having these open times for conversation can allow for more time to go over any questions or concerns. If able, turn off any distractions to allow for full attention to the conversation.
Communication continues after the initial discussion, and throughout the deployment. Review how this will happen – through letters, email, or applications like What’s App. This expectation setting helps set the tone for the deployment. Put up a calendar with the expected months of the deployment so there is a clear picture. This visual may be common for younger children, but it is helpful for all ages to have a timeline to return to and review.
Plan Together
As part of the communication, set up expectations for changes in responsibilities during deployment. Allow for a two-way discussion on what will change, what will stay the same, and overall plans. Write up a checklist, or a chart for the change in responsibilities. If it works for your family, decide on a reward system. Adding things to look forward to during deployment help change the focus to positive things to look forward to.
Planning together can continue during deployment. Maybe involve your teen in planning a trip for after deployment. Email back and forth with the deployed parent discussing ideas can keep communication open and allow for an activity to build on the relationship.
Alone Time
As much as possible, plan time for the service member and the teenager for a special outing or activity. Maybe it is to a movie of mutual interest, putt-putt golf, a new video game, or a beach day. There isn’t a magic outing, the idea is to just spend time together. Do what you enjoy together.
Routine, Routine, Routine
During deployment, any parent of young children will tell you to maintain a routine. Keep the routine and it will keep the family dynamic stable. This is still the same for teenagers. It is the same for adults. While teens may have more ability to be flexible in their daily schedules as they get older, teenagers still do well with routines which outline expectations.
Resources
Each military branch has community or family services with programming for families. There is programming for teenagers specifically – often monthly. These programs not only provide military-specific tools to help teens navigate military life but also gets other teens together. Network, community, and support are key to surviving deployment, no matter the age of the person. These teens have something in common – a military parent. Check with the military unit to see if they have gatherings of teens in the unit to get together bringing them together to build relationships.
Counseling
If your teen demonstrates the inability to cope, resume normal activity, or is more withdrawn or aggressive for over two weeks during deployment, these might be signs that there is difficulty in adjusting to the change. Follow-up with your child’s primary care provider, getting connected with Military Family Life Counselors, chaplains, or Military One Source counselors.
There are so many varied responses to deployment as a teen. Military Kids Connect has great text and videos for families and teens to read and review. These can be great ways to communicate about expected feelings or current emotions.
