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When Will My House Feel Like Home?

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Moving. It’s part and parcel to the whole military family way of life.

When Will My House Feel Like Home?

How long does it take until you feel at home in a new duty station?

If you are new to the military, then you might only have a couple of moves under your belt. If you’re like me, a more “seasoned” military spouse and brat, then you probably need a moment to tally all the places you’ve called home.

Hand in hand with constantly finding a “new’ home, comes a lingering feeling of transience.

At what point does that freshly painted on-post duplex or 4-bedroom off-base house start to feel like home?

When I Was a Kid

When I was a kid, my active-duty parents whisked me across oceans to both Europe and Asia. Every trip meant picking out the must-have toy to take with me and saying goodbye to every other toy and possession, sometimes for months at a time.

Nothing made a house feel more like home than getting to unpack all my things and finding just the right spot for each and every toy.

Add in a few Saturday morning cartoons and the occasional batch of homemade chocolate chip cookies and things were golden.

When your household goods finally arrive, make setting up your child’s room a priority. Then, try to get back into a routine as quickly as you can. Bedtime stories, bath time, and yes, even cookies, can help take the fear out of a new place. Young kids are amazingly resilient, but familiar items and routines will help them to adjust.

When I Was a Teen

The older I got, the harder it got to move. While unpacking my things helped me to feel settled, a sense of home never really surfaced until we returned to our normal routine.

Things like school and (I can’t believe I am saying this!) Saturday morning chores made me forget that things were new. I guess nothing says home like homework and a toilet brush.

If you have a teenager in your home (or, God help you, more than one, like me!), the same rules apply about routine. As a parent, try to be patient.

The adjustment might take a little longer for your teenagers, but it will come.

Take advantage of opportunities to create special memories in your new home, even some specifically associated with moving.

Use up some of that seemingly endless supply of packing paper for a paper snowball fight.

Take turns picking a place for dinner so you can explore your new neighborhood.

And make sure you take time to Skype or email friends from your last duty station. A familiar voice can help make the transition a little easier.

When I Was an Adult

For a brief time, in my late teens and early twenties I ventured out into the world on my own. I stayed with extended family and a few friends as I worked my way through college, but it never really felt like home. Even moving into my own apartment felt empty and lonely.

Shortly thereafter I joined the Army. My barracks room became my inspection-ready sanctuary and my barracks-mates my family. But we all knew those digs were only temporary and none of us ever really felt like we were home.

It wasn’t until I married my husband and we started our own family that I felt like I had a home again.  Hanging curtains, painting walls and making sure that every box was unpacked or hidden away in storage was and is always the first step to making it feel like home again for us.

Enjoy the process of discovery that comes from unpacking all of those things you love. Then, once you’ve emptied all of those boxes, make a point to entertain a few guests if you can.

Nothing makes a house feel more like a home than putting out a welcome mat and extending a little hospitality.

Dozens of Moves Later

Just over a year ago, we purchased what will be our last home as an active-duty Army family. Bits and pieces of the life we have built are seen in every corner, but it is only recently that this house has started to feel like home to me.

My kids are nearly grown, with one already discussing plans to move out. And so, the idea of home is changing once again.

How can it be home if we are not all together? Will our home become just a living museum of the memories collected as we traveled from place to place?

I suppose only time will tell.

How long does it take until you feel at home in a new duty station?

How to Talk with Your Military Kid’s Teacher About a Deployment

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During deployments and long separations, as parents, we take on a lot more responsibility and stress. The same is true for our kids.

Our worries for our spouse’s safety are shared by our children. They are also taking on more responsibility at home. Your children are missing their parent and learning to navigate a one-parent household. On top of all of that, they are going to school 5 days a week and working extremely hard.

These stressors cause different reactions. For children, they could experience increased anxiety or depression. Your child may begin acting out, exhibiting aggression and anger or even retreating from socializing with friends. Grades could take a dip or a dive. Or your child might become obsessed with making everything perfect, from grades to appearance to emotions.

Often our children’s teachers are the first to notice these changes in behavior and academic achievements.

That’s why it’s super important to keep your school and teachers in the loop as your family preps for deployment. However, deployments and even long TAD/TDY assignments come with risks and need-to-know information.

How to Talk to Your Military Kid's Teacher About a Deployment

Teachers can be your biggest ally during deployment.

How to Talk with Your Military Child’s Teacher About a Deployment Without Violating OPSEC/PERSEC

Be Honest

At least as honest as you can be. You should share the basics:

  • The general deployment window, but not a specific date. Say: “My spouse will be deploying within the next 2 months.”
  • The general deployment length. Say: “We expect she will be gone for 6 to 9 months.”
  • Your plans for pre-deployment. Say: “We will be taking a trip before my spouse leaves. My children will miss about a week of school. Please let me know how they can best make up the work they will miss.”
  • The general homecoming window, as it approaches. Say: “We expect that he will return in a month.”
  • More homecoming details, as they are released and cleared by your unit’s public affairs office. Say: “We think she might be home in March.”
  • Your plans for the period right after the homecoming. Say: “I will email you the day before our scheduled homecoming. I will be keeping our children home for a day or so to spend time as a family. Please let me know how they can complete any work they might miss.”

It’s super important that you not share exact locations, troop movements or departure/return dates. The fewer people who know these details, the better. Share what you must, when you must, in order to make sure your child’s teacher and school are on the same page.

Include Others as Needed

It’s also important to include administration and school counselors, psychologists or social workers. You can share even less information to these people. Generally, they will only get involved if there is a major issue or concern. Your child might see a school mental health counselor, psychologist or social worker if there is a deployment support group at their school.

If you need to share, you should:

  • Give the basics. Say: “My spouse is currently away on assignment for several months.”
  • Address the situation at hand. Say: “I wonder if my spouse’s absence might be one of the causes behind (concern). I would like to explore this further and find ways to support my child as a team.”

Request Discretion

When you share your family’s deployment with school faculty and staff, you also need to include a request for confidentiality. Even if your spouse is in a “safe” area, your family is still down a person and open to additional concerns at home. It’s very easy to let information slip out about troop movements, return dates, ship names and families that are missing an adult.

Ask your teacher, school administrators and mental health staff to keep all deployment information strictly confidential. Explain:

“My spouse will be away from home. This is need-to-know information that I am sharing with you so that we can work together to help my child through this challenging time.”

Occasionally, sharing information with other teachers can help your child’s teacher to find new solutions to challenges. Request:

“If you feel like asking another staff member for advice or solutions is necessary, I would ask that you let me know before you share information. If you can make such requests without sharing my child’s identity or other specific details, that would be great. If you do need to share personal information, I would like to be included in the email chain or be told what will be shared.”

Generally, help teachers and others to understand that what you are sharing is not for public discussion or knowledge. It is need-to-know only.

Teachers can be your biggest ally during deployment. Make sure to build your team beforehand. How do you include your teacher on your deployment success team? Share your tips in the comments.

Meet the Writer: Meg Flanagan

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MilitaryShoppers wants you to know the writers who work on this website. Each month we will feature one of our writers. This month we feature Meg Flanagan, who has been writing for MilitaryShoppers since June 2016. 

Meet the Writer: Meg Flanagan

Name: Meg Flanagan

Military Branch Affiliation: USMC

Years as a military spouse: 9

How many times have you moved as a military spouse? 4

Describe yourself in 7 words or less:

Committed, dedicated, creative teacher who loves writing

 What’s your favorite travel destination?

New Hampshire’s White Mountains

What’s your favorite military discount?

SCRA credit card fee reimbursement

Meet the Writer: Meg Flanagan

How do you save money when shopping at the commissary?

I shop using a list, only use coupons when it makes sense (the cheaper version is still cheaper, even with a coupon…) and stock up on essentials when they are on sale.

What’s your dream military duty station?

Hawaii or Europe, but I also love SoCal and the DC area.

Meet the Writer: Meg Flanagan

What advice would you give to your younger self?

Relax, for real though. Keep reaching for what you want, but also let things happen. It will eventually all work out and it’s better if you are relaxed.

What goal do you want to achieve in the next 12 months?

I would love to keep growing my own blog, get back into the classroom and enjoy our new duty station!

What is PCS Remorse and How to Get Over It

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As summer draws to an end, most of us who followed a set of PCS orders to a new duty station have arrived, found a place to live and unpacked our household goods.

The whirlwind rush of cross-country or transcontinental travel has dissipated. You’ve identified the best route to the commissary, clinic and a decent take-out place. And now that the shock and excitement of all things new has begun to wear off, the reality of our current situation begins to set in.

Maybe your new on-base housing is sub-par to your previous location.

Maybe the weather is always cold or gray and rainy.

Maybe the neighbors are standoffish and the only options for extracurricular activities for the kids is the one thing they aren’t interested in.

And to top it all off, the friends you left behind keep posting updates from your favorite old hang-outs. Or worse yet, maybe your milspouse bestie has PCSed to some tropical wonderland and her Instagram account is overflowing with pictures of sunsets, beaches and fruity umbrella drinks.

Suddenly, everywhere you look things are wrong and you’d give anything to pack everything back up and go somewhere, anywhere else.

There’s no doubt, you’ve got it.

You’ve got PCS remorse and you’ve got it bad.

Chin up chickadee. While your apprehension and dissatisfaction with a less-than-stellar duty station is normal, you can overcome that negative outlook. All it takes is a little adjustment in perspective.

What is PCS Remorse and How to Get Over It

Have you ever found yourself hating your duty station?

Look for Something Good to Focus on

No matter how bad something is, there is always a silver lining. And if that little voice in your head tells you things are bad, it can color how you see everything around you. Even the good.

Make a point to find something good, something you like about your new location.. Even if it’s just the fact that the water pressure in the shower is out of this world, seeing one good thing can be a stepping stone to others.

Remember that Social Media isn’t Always the Whole Truth

Yes, those amazing tropical sunsets are enviable, but try to keep in mind that most people only tend to share the best and most positive aspects of their lives. So while the beach is pretty, the horrendous traffic, dinosaur-sized mosquitoes, and $8 gallon of milk offer balance for all of that dreamy scenery.

Get Mad, Get Sad and Then Get Over It

Change is hard, especially when it’s abrupt or doesn’t live up to expectations.

It’s OK to get mad or to be a little blue. Those are normal and natural emotions that must be expressed in order to be resolved. Give yourself some time to grief and adjust, but then focus on making the most of what you’ve got.

While things might not be great, they can almost always be worse. Decide to change your perspective and then work to make it happen.

Sometimes finding things to look forward to can help. Maybe it’s taking a long bath every Friday night. Maybe it’s pizza for dinner on Sundays or a nightly jog up to a pretty vantage point. Whatever it is, let yourself enjoy it.

Forget everything else and live in that moment. Joy can brighten your outlook and help to make everything else look a little less glum.

Make a Plan for Distraction

If simply going about your daily routine isn’t enough to shake off those negative feelings, make deliberate plans to engage in an activity that will distract you.

A new exercise routine, planting a garden, taking up a new hobby, volunteering or even going back to school can help you find something to devote your energy to. Focus your energy on learning and growing despite your surroundings. You’ll be amazed at how much it helps to make even the bleakest of days look better.

Have you ever found yourself hating your duty station? What did you do to get through that challenging time?

How to Handle an OCONUS PCS in 25 Steps

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Whether you were hoping for this assignment or you winced when the PCS orders hit, an OCONUS move is not for the faint of heart. You have a lot of things you need to do and you need to do them all right now.

How to Handle an OCONUS PCS in 23 Steps

You will survive your international military move.

Don’t stress. Just follow our handy guide to rock this PCS!

How to Handle an OCONUS Move in 25 Steps

Hit Pause

Why? Because there are no official orders, just the “word” that these documents are coming. While you have tons of things to do, very few things can proceed without at least web orders.

Passports

Planning to travel while OCONUS? Apply for tourist passports for your family now. During peak times, passports can take up to 8 weeks to process. You will want to have these well before you leave, just in case. Take double passport pictures now, and only use one set for the tourist passports. Keep reading to find out why!

Pet Health

Have a pet? Great! Just make sure that you read up on the import requirements for your OCONUS duty station. Most overseas countries require additional vaccinations and quarantine periods.

Book your vet visit now. Be sure to bring hard copies of the animal import requirements to all future vet visits. Also, record all dates related to quarantine in your phone or planner.

PCM Check-In

Schedule a visit with your PCM even before web orders hit. Let your doctor know where you are headed and when you think you will be leaving. Ask that they review your medical record off-the-books and alert you to any bumps in the road. Do the same for your children.

Shots, Shots, Shots

Everybody gets shots! We’re talking HepA, B and C. Let’s add in a little TDAP and MMR for good measure. When your PCM checks your records, ask them to confirm your vaccinations and compare your records to the requirements for your next duty station. Then head to immunizations and roll up your sleeves.

Check Housing

Still no orders? No problem! Check out housing while you wait. Be sure to investigate all possible options, but remember that you probably won’t get to choose where you live. Do a double take when you see how much space the OCONUS houses offer. (Hint: it’s smaller than American base housing.)

Have a Yard Sale

After seeing how much space you might have, hold a yard sale! Try to sell your bulky or rarely used items. Put all of your profits into your pet travel fund.

Join Facebook Groups

There are Facebook groups for every duty station. Go find yours now. Then ask:

  • How does housing work?
  • How do I get a pet over here?
  • Will my family survive this?
  • What happens on the medical clearance boards?

Wait for answers patiently. After all, orders are still not “official” yet.

Research Pet Travel

After checking with Facebook, contact your local travel office to find out about pet travel. When you hear that the military flights have pet spots, rejoice! When you hear all the restrictions, cry. Then look into commercial travel and be happy for the yard sale money.

As soon as you have confirmed travel arrangements, work on getting your furry friends either on the same flight or ready to travel in another way. There are several reputable pet transit services out there and a few airlines that will fly military pets as unaccompanied baggage.

Celebrate

Hooray! Orders have officially arrived and you may pass GO. Be prepared to wait some more.

Health Check

You may now proceed with the overseas medical screening. Luckily, you’ve updated your vaccinations and previewed your medical records for any hiccups. Ask your PCM’s office for a hard copy of your health record. Then call the overseas screening office at the military treatment facility (the on-base clinic or hospital) closest to you. Schedule an appointment ASAP.

Be prepared to answer deeply personal questions about health issues that have long been resolved or are controlled. Wait nervously while a doctor you have never seen before decides if you are healthy enough to move OCONUS.

Be Ready to Wait

Even though orders are “official,” you are still waiting. Why? Medical and area clearance. Before the moving and travel offices will book you, your family will need to have area clearance. To get area clearance, you need medical clearance.

But What About the Car?

No, seriously, what are you going to do with the car(s)? In all the hustle to get the pets, house and humans ready, you forgot the multi-ton machine in your garage.

You have a few choices: store it, ship it or sell it.

The military will likely cover the costs (ship or store) of one car per family. If you were thinking “ship it” you might want to double check that it’s allowed where you are going. If not, start thinking about whether you want to store it or sell it.

Motivate

Do repeat image searches for your OCONUS duty station to remind you of how awesome it’s going to be once you do arrive.

Pet File

As your pet proceeds with quarantine and vaccinations keep every single piece of paper in one place. Make copies of everything. Get every copy notarized according to your new location’s requirements. Double check every document to ensure it’s been filled out correctly and with the right color ink.

Passports Part 2

Remember those extra passport pictures? Pull them out and bring them with you to get your no-fee government passport. You’ll go through your base to do this using a special form and documents. You will not have to pay for these. They will look exactly like your tourist passports.

Moving Dates

There will be 3 parts to this move: long-term storage, household goods and unaccompanied baggage. If you are lucky, there will be 3 separate individual moving days. Schedule long-term storage last so that anything that won’t fit in the other 2 shipments will stay stateside.

Double check your weight allowance for your duty station. Plan another yard sale.

Schedule Travel

Talk to the people who book your flights. Find out about how the travel options work. Ask:

  • Does everyone have to go on the military flight?
  • Can dependents elect to travel commercially and be reimbursed?
  • What about pets?

Expect to not like what you hear. Return to this office regularly to try to find a solution that works for you.

Sort Your Stuff

Sort everything you own into piles: store, trash, sell or donate, household goods, unaccompanied and suitcases. Try to estimate the total weight you will be bringing with you.

Hold another yard sale to get rid of extra weight and things you don’t want to store for 3 years. Be ready to give precious documents and photos to relatives for the duration.

Pack It In

Once everything is sorted, get packing! Luckily, the government contracted movers will do your big shipments, but it is smart to physically separate your stuff.

Put your packed suitcases in a separate locked or blocked room. Hire a babysitter and schedule your pets for day care.

Then kick back and make sure that all of your things are properly packed, labeled and accounted for.

Give Away

Do you have some things that just didn’t fit in any of your shipments? Time to give those things away to your nearest and dearest! Pass on those cleaning supplies, random pantry items and extra toilet paper.

Drive Time

It’s time to make the final, final car decision. Bring your car to the designated place if you are shipping it or storing it. Confirm where your car is headed and what the terms of the agreement include. Or get ready to list the car for sale. Get ready to be low balled if you’re selling it personally. You can also sell your vehicle to a dealership, which is way less stressful.

Go Home

Moving OCONUS means that you will be very far from family for several years. Take some time to visit your family and friends before you take off. Eat your local comfort foods, visit Target and stock up on anything you might miss overseas.

Wheels Up

It’s time for take-off! Your bags are packed and devices are fully charged. Before you board make sure you’ve packed:

  • Enough snacks for the flights
  • Entertainment that is easy to carry
  • Empty water bottles
  • Power strip, chargers and headphones
  • Blanket, travel pillow and earplugs or eye mask

Touch Down

You’ve finally landed in your OCONUS duty station. Congrats! You survived your international military move. You have 3 years before you have to tackle this beast again.

What are your best tips for an OCONUS PCS? Share your advice in the comments!

How I Fell in Love with Okinawa

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Every fiber of my being was grouchy about our plane ride last summer. We were heading to Okinawa, Japan’s tropical paradise. Land of shisa dogs, soba noodles and coral beaches.

How I Fell in Love with Okinawa

Okinawa is the perfect location for traveling around Asia.

Except I did not want to go. Okinawa wasn’t even on our wish list. However, in typical military fashion, the career planner went off-book and sent us here anyway.

It would have been easy to wallow and sink into despair. Instead, I decided to find ways to enjoy my time here.

7 Ways to Fall in Love with Okinawa

Meet a Local

My first clue that I would, eventually, love Okinawa happened in our first 48 hours. Our friend is married to a lovely Okinawan. She could have easily laughed at my jet-legged attempts to maneuver chopsticks. Instead, she took us on a tour of grocery stores and helped me find non-dairy foods.

Everywhere we go, my children are cooed at and loved on by almost everyone. Men and women stroke their chubby arms or legs, exclaim over their tiny smiles and offer (wrapped) candies to my preschooler. I once had a very lovely gentleman purchase a pack of nuts at Starbucks and give them to me. He told me to eat “for the baby.”

And while there is some tension, it’s understandable. The United States defeated Japan in World War II and Okinawa survived a horrific battle that claimed many lives. However, helpfulness and generosity are what I’ve experienced most often on this island.

Local ladies took the time to show me how to properly sift bean sprouts. Wait staff have gone out of their way to help me find dairy-free options at restaurants. People sing out “Ohayo gozaimasu!” as I run past.

Get Groceries

One of my very first favorite things to do here was to go grocery shopping at local stores and farmers markets. It’s a whole new world, filled with cute logos and bright colors.

In Okinawa, almost every packaged food item has a cute character or logo. Every label is a riot of color and the bigger grocery stores are filled with upbeat music.

It is so much fun to purchase local foods and then figure out how to cook with them. Okinawa sweet potatoes and okonomiyaki, or egg/meat/cabbage omelets, are becoming a major staple in our house!

Discover the Daiso

My favorite thing at the mall is the Daiso. It’s basically like an American dollar store, but better. Everything is about $1 and each store carries items from food to gardening supplies. I can find almost anything I need at the Daiso. Plus, all the items are high quality.

Beach Time

Quick! Do a Google image search for Okinawa. Want to know what pops up?

It’s beaches! White coral sand beaches with turquoise blue waters and a reef just off shore.

When I’m feeling down and out about living here, I head to the beach. A few hours of relaxing in the sun with my toes in the sand or hunting for pretty shells usually sets me right.

Or I can go beneath the waves with my snorkel gear to check out the colorful fish and coral. If I were more adventurous, I would get SCUBA certified and dive with the whale sharks.

Local Culture

Okinawa is part of Japan now, but it was its own kingdom for thousands of years. The traditions of the Ryukyu Kingdom are still present today across the island.

Every summer, Eisa dancers drum and sing to celebrate Obon. It’s a celebration that begs for audience participation and enthusiasm. The beat is infectious! Theme parks celebrating Okinawan culture have troupes of Eisa dancers that perform year-round.

The island is dotted with the ruins of ancient castles from the Ryukyu period. Most are open and accessible to the public, usually for free or a small fee. I love to tour the reconstructed Shuri Castle, a UNESCO World Heritage Site. It’s so powerful to walk in the footsteps of kings!

Sushi, Soba and Sake

I was a sushi lover before I moved here, but it’s reached a whole new level in Okinawa. My main reason: sushi-go-round. It’s exactly what it sounds like. A conveyer belt carries delicious raw fish delicacies to my table. And instead of overstuffed fancy rolls, I get simply prepared fish on plain rice dressed up with soy sauce or wasabi. Yum!

Japan is a land of noodles and I plan on eating all of them. From ramen to udon to soba, I am a noodle fanatic. Okinawa has a local variant of soba with different noodles made entirely of wheat. The broth is rich and full of flavor from the pork ribs.

Sake is one of the best known beverages of Japan. In Oki, they make awamori. It’s a local variant of the traditional alcoholic beverage. All over Okinawa there are izakayas or pubs, that offer endless varieties of sake and awamori, plus local beer and plum wine.

Book a Flight

Okinawa is the perfect location for traveling around Asia. It’s under 3 hours by air to mainland Japan, South Korea, Taiwan and Hong Kong. It’s just a little farther to China, Thailand, Singapore, Cambodia and Vietnam.

Flights are pretty cheap if you fly the discounted airlines. It’s possible to explore all of Asia on a budget. I plan to see as many places as I can!

If you had told me a year ago that I would like Okinawa, even a little bit, I would have laughed. Instead, here I am, firmly in love with my little island.

Have you lived in Okinawa? What are your favorite memories or experiences? Tell us in the comments!

The Hardest Part of Being a Military Spouse

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In September, I will have been a proud Army wife for 19 years.

I’ve had it easier than some as I grew up in a military family, watched both of my parents put on a uniform on a daily basis until they retired my senior year of high school. I traveled abroad and across this country. I embraced the good and then stuck alongside my spouse. Along the way, we’ve raised 3 amazing kids and the official countdown to retirement has begun. The light at the end of that particular tunnel is just under 2 years away.

As I look back over my time as a military spouse, there is much to celebrate, much to be proud of and only a handful of regrets. Surprisingly, the hardest part of this entire journey has only recently come to light.

Hubby and I sat at the kitchen table, him with a cup of coffee, me drafting the weekly shopping list. The conversation turned to the future, as it often does, and I asked him what he wanted to with his life after he retired from the Army. As the words left my lips, a startling reality took root in my gut.

What was I going to do after he retired? Who was I if not an active-duty Army wife?

Somewhere in the midst of all the PCS orders and moving boxes, at one of the countless unit functions or while watching his boots go from black to brown, I had pinned a shiny, golden “exemplary military spouse” badge to my chest and let it define who I was and how I lived my life.

The Hardest Part of Being a Military Spouse

My standard answer to “tell us about yourself,” was always “Proud Army wife and mother of 3.” But is that really all I am?

He took a sip of his coffee and rattled off his new career wish list, the beginning stages of a plan of attack for his transition forming as he spoke. I sat trying to stay calm and not let on that I was staring straight into the face of an honest-to-God identity crisis.

Who was I going to be after the Army? Who was I now?

How many jobs had I passed up or quit because the “needs of the Army” meant the needs of our family became my sole responsibility?

How many times had the powers-that-be seemed to foresee pending natural disasters or medical emergencies and sent my spouse off into the world to do his duty, while leaving me to pick up the pieces?

How many times had I swallowed my own fears and wants so as not to be a burden to my service member as he carried the weight and responsibility of leadership on his shoulders?

How many times had I polished that “exemplary military spouse” badge and told myself that sacrifice was a a requirement? That duty to country trumped all other needs? Would I be able to handle a change of priorities?

The Army has given me a community, a way of life, but it also repeatedly put me at a crossroads between living my own dreams and being the support system my service member needed while he chased his.

It has provided the financial stability that has allowed me to start a business, complete a degree and buy a home. But it has also forced me to put any and all of those things on the back burner when duty calls.

Up until that moment, the standard answer to “tell us about yourself,” was always

“Proud Army wife and mother of 3.”

But is that really all I am?  When the day arrives that I am no longer married to the military, how will I lead off?

True to form, I kept my concerns about my future to myself and finished up the shopping list. As we headed to the commissary it occurred to me that of all of the challenges I had faced as a military spouse, the hardest part, it would seem, was developing a sense of self that would sustain me for the majority of life that would come after the Army.

I am still coming to terms with the idea that life will go on, even if we don’t hear revelry and retreat. Even if there are no longer combat boots in the foyer. Even if I have to start checking the box, “retiree spouse.” I am, however, incredibly thankful for the life I’ve had as a military spouse. The lessons learned will make my journey of self-discovery easier. Of that, I’m certain.

Maybe the hardest part of this whole thing hasn’t been the separations. Maybe it hasn’t been the worry about where he is or when he’ll be home. Maybe it hasn’t even been the struggle to figure out who I am in the shadow of his service.

Maybe the hardest part of being a military spouse will be leaving it behind.

What do you think is the hardest part of being a military spouse? We would love to hear your story. Share it in the comments section.

Why Tricare Doesn’t Want High-Risk Pregnant Military Spouses Living in Some Overseas Locations

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Welcoming a new baby to your family should be one of the happiest times in your life. Some pregnant military spouses are feeling extra stress as they face delivering their babies away from their partners.

Under new guidelines from the Tricare Overseas Program contractor, SOS Government Services, some mothers-to-be may be forced to leave certain overseas locations due to high-risk pregnancies. For expectant mothers getting ready to PCS, their travel may be delayed until after their baby arrives. Tricare has stated that this is not a new policy but reflects the ongoing assessment of the local health care facilities by the contractor.

Why Tricare Doesn't Want High-Risk Pregnant Military Spouses Living in Some Overseas Locations

Mothers-to-be who become high-risk pregnancies while already at an OCONUS duty station have options.

Several OCONUS duty stations, like Bahrain and El Salvador, have been included in this guidance. SOS Government Services has determined that the local standard of care is not equivalent to the United States. There is not on-base maternity care available at these locations.

Other duty stations include New Delhi; Madagascar; Jakarta, Indonesia; La Paz, Bolivia; Kosovo; Qatar; Georgia; Suriname; and Chad. Other locations may be added or removed based on the changing status of health care standards in a particular place.

What is “high-risk?”

High-risk pregnancies are determined based on many factors. Often maternal age plays a role in moving a pregnancy into the high-risk category. Other factors could include gestational diabetes, other pregnancy complications, expected delivery complications or anticipated needs of the newborn based on prenatal screenings.

Military spouses who are determined to be at high-risk before they arrive in an identified duty station may stay behind until after the baby is born. Once mother and child are both medically cleared, the family can be reunited. Active duty military members could possibly have accompanied orders converted to shorter unaccompanied orders on a case-by-case basis.

Mothers-to-be who become high-risk while already at a duty station also have options. One option is “stork nesting” at a military facility of Tricare’s choosing. This could be a medical facility in the United States or one at an approved OCONUS location.

Another option would be returning to the U.S. to be near family until the baby arrives. In both cases, the travel and other expenses would be paid for.

Women who become high-risk after they are no longer able to travel will be relocated with a civilian air ambulance.

Active duty military who are identified as high-risk should consult with their command and medical practitioner. All parties should work together to determine what is best for mother and baby. Options could include expanded medical leave or an early permanent change of station.

Complications and confusion

While the policy is intended to facilitate a healthy delivery, pregnancy is not always predictable. Many textbook pregnancies end in complicated deliveries. Some newborns have unexpected health needs that must be immediately addressed. The guidance is less clear about what would happen in those cases. There is no official document that charts these possibilities or provides guidance for mothers-to-be about their options.

This becomes especially confusing when considering the guidance about seeking care in the local community. Some clinics on-base in the identified locations do refer mothers-to-be to providers in the local community.

However, Tricare has issued guidance that this care will not be covered under Tricare Prime, Tricare Prime Remote Overseas or Tricate Prime Overseas. No guidance about billing or Tricare eligibility has been issued should a normal pregnancy end with a complex birth or a baby with health concerns.

There is also no official documentation about spouses joining their pregnant partners at the selected birthing location.

This has left many military spouses confused and uncertain about their options and possible outcomes. While the health of mother and baby is always most important, pregnancy can and does change minute to minute.

What do you think of the policy to not allow high-risk pregnant military spouses to live in certain areas? Tell us in the comments.

6 Tips for Bringing Your Pet on Your Cross-Country PCS Road Trip

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Woohoo! PCS road trip! Load up the car, the kids and the pet. Before you get everyone buckled in, hit pause to make sure that your furry friends are ready to make the journey.

6 Tips for Bringing Your Pet on Your Cross-Country PCS Road Trip

Don’t try to sneak your pet into a non-pet-friendly hotel. Plan instead to book your overnight stays at pet-friendly hotels during your road trip. Some even offer military discounts.

6 Tips for Bringing Your Pet on Your Cross-Country PCS Road Trip

Plan Your Route

Decide which way you’re going to be going and take into account when you are traveling. During the summer months, going through the desert and deep south can be pretty hot. Going the northern route during winter might get chilly. While these factors don’t need to alter your trip, you should take them into consideration for pit stops and water breaks.

Book out your hotels in advance. Many hotels are pet-friendly and offer military discounts. However, a lot of hotels also charge significant fees for your pet to stay. La Quinta welcomes cats and dogs for free. Many Starwood and Marriott brand hotels are pet-friendly too.

Try to be reasonable about the distance you can really cover each day. Then look for hotels at or around that target distance.

Pick Out Pit Stops

During your road trip, you’re going to need to stop a few times a day. As you are traveling, try to check out your preferred route for good places to stretch everyone’s legs. Look for parks, state-maintained rest stops and similar places.

Keep in mind that pets cannot ever stay in parked cars. So food breaks need to trend more toward take-out and away from sit-down restaurants.

The same is true for longer stops on the route. Your major attractions should be places that are dog-friendly, have boarding facilities nearby or where you have a hotel room.

Health Check

Many pets are awesome on the road. Some are exactly the opposite. If you are concerned about your pet’s behavior or health on your road trip, pay your vet a visit. Also get refills of any medication, just in case you are caught in between prescriptions on the road.

You can ask about calming remedies to help with anxiety. You can also get information about best practices for food, water and keeping your pets cool.

If you are traveling with a non-traditional pet, your vet will be the best resource for you.

Car Safety

When you are traveling with a pet, it’s important to always secure him when the car is in motion. Use a pet seatbelt or place your pet in a kennel during travel. When using a kennel, it’s best to also secure this in your car.

To keep your pet hydrated, freeze water into their bowl or a pet bottle. Offer small amounts of food during travel, but don’t overdo it to avoid carsickness.

Before your big trip, take a few smaller trips to prepare. End at the dog park or another favorite spot. Offer treats and praise.

Loading the Car

When you’re driving, think about the seating arrangements and what you need to pack. Since you are PCSing, you will be loaded down with a bunch of your personal belongings and several suitcases.

Keep your pet’s essentials in an easy-to-access location and pack your hotel stay things in one bag that you will always be taking in with you. Only pack enough, plus a day or two, of food and treats for your pet. You can always buy more food on the way but will need all the extra space you can get during trip.

Remember to stash a few of your pet’s favorite toys in the kennel or in their designated space. This can give your pet something familiar to play with. It can also help occupy and calm your pet during the journey and in hotels.

If your children will be eating during the trip, make sure that the food is pet safe. Chances are good that they will drop or “share” a few bites with Fido or Fluffy along the way.

Pro tip: keep plastic shopping bags in your car for potty breaks.

During Hotel Stays

When you arrive, make sure you are upfront about the pet staying with you. If you try to sneak an animal into a non-pet-friendly hotel, and they find out, there will be a hefty cleaning fee. The same can be the case even at pet-friendly places if they place you in a non-pet room.

As you move your essential things into the room for the night, try your best to team up. One adult can take the dog for a walk or sit in the room with the pet while the other adult ferries the luggage and kids.

Ask at the front desk about safe walking routes and places to avoid. You should also clarify whether the hotel has a pet waste disposal area or bags. If not, use some of those shopping bags.

Do your best to keep the pet noise to a minimum, especially at night. If your pet makes a mess, clean it up as best you can.

If you are planning to be out of the room, make your pet comfortable and secure. For pets that are noisy when you leave them alone, think hard about the hotel’s pet policy before you leave. Or try out ways to curb the noise before you leave.

Are you planning to fly instead of drive to your next duty station? Check out our article on air travel tips for pets.

Why Military Spouses Should Learn Rank Structure

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As military spouses we are called upon to learn a great deal. We have to learn to decipher a veritable dictionary of acronyms. Things like PCS, TDY and LES fast become part of our regular vocabulary. We learn what to do when the bugles play “Reveille,” “Retreat” and “Taps” and to stand anytime we hear the National Anthem. We learn to carry our military IDs at all times and how to navigate the intricacy of Tricare regulations. Our new secret superpower becomes the ability to find a left boot or cover at o’dark-thirty in the morning.

All new military recruits learn not only the names of the ranks, but the name of every person in their chain of command all the way up to the Commander in Chief before they finish basic training. If they can do it while learning the dozens and dozens of other things involved with being a professional soldier, sailor, airman or Marine, then we can certainly find the time to learn too.

Why Military Spouses Should Learn Rank Structure

Rank and responsibility don’t stop just because a service member takes off his or her uniform for the day. Understanding that rank often dictates social behavior during off-duty hours is also important.

Why Military Spouses Should Learn Rank Structure

Learning the Rank Structure Demonstrates an Interest in Your Spouse’s Career

Just like learning that a GI Party isn’t something to look forward to or that some promotions require extra training, learning the rank structure of our spouse’s branch gives us a better idea of the environment our spouses work in. Just like in a large corporation or civilian company, understanding the chain of command means you get it when your spouse talks about reporting to the First Sergeant or training with the Master Chief.

Knowing the difference between junior enlisted, senior NCO and commanding officer, is important for understanding career progression and responsibilities.

Plus, becoming familiar with ranks and their respective insignia shows your spouse you care about their career and are invested for the long haul, however long that may be. Few members of military leadership expect or require military spouses to understand rank, but it can only reflect well on your service member if you use your newly learned skills to expertly navigate the next unit event.

It’s A Matter of Protocol

I think most seasoned military spouses would agree that because we don’t wear the uniform, and hence don’t wear the rank of our service member spouses, that we should treat all members of our community with an equal amount of respect.

However, there are instances when understanding rank and insignia is important. Say, for example, when attending a military formal event. Part of the event generally includes a receiving line. Recognizing rank insignia helps you call the right person “Ma’am” or “Sergeant Major,” even if you have never met them before. Imagine the awkwardness that might ensue should a spouse unwittingly call a Master Sergeant “sir” or a general officer “private.”

It Helps You Navigate the Military Community

Rank and responsibility don’t stop just because a service member takes off his or her uniform for the day. Understanding that rank often dictates social behavior during off-duty hours is also important. For example, while spouses aren’t limited by regulation on who they can socialize with, military service member interactions are often governed by regulation.

If a spouse doesn’t understand rank structure and fraternization rules, a continued refusal for dinner from a neighbor might be taken as a slight, when in actuality, the decline is a result of unit, installation or service policy.

Understanding rank structure also helps keep you from earning an earful or ticket because you parked in the rank-specific reserved parking spots at the commissary. Plus, knowing whether your spouse is enlisted or officer can also save you an afternoon of baking for the wrong spouses’ support group.

Now it’s your turn: Do you think that military spouses need to understand military rank? Why or why not?