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How Is My Husband Always Gone For Mother’s Day And Home For Father’s Day?

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Ahhhhh, Mother’s Day. That glorious Sunday in May when mothers everywhere lounge luxuriously in bed.

We’re all peacefully waiting for our badly buttered toast to arrive, paired with an alcohol heavy mimosa. And then the whole family skips to brunch with happy, shiny faces.

Everything is right on Mother’s Day, as we celebrate the years of excruciating physical labor it takes to raise up a child. Many moms mark this occasion with flowers, wine, candy, cards and a trip to the spa.

Except for me.

And I’m guessing a bunch of other military spouses too.

Instead of my sweet baby angels bringing me cold cereal, I was awakened at zero dark thirty by my child screaming. I rolled over to nudge my husband, reminding him that it’s my day to sleep in, except, oh wait, I’m riding solo today.

Just like many Mother’s Days past, and certainly in the future as well, the military has thoughtfully scheduled field exercises today.

How Is My Husband Always Gone For Mother's Day And Home For Father's Day?

This year I’m observing delayed Mother’s Day on June 17, which just happens to be Father’s Day.

Guess who won’t have any work obligations on June 17 though? My husband.

Instead, he’ll probably be at the golf course celebrating Father’s Day. All alone. While I handle the kids by myself. Again.

Why is my husband always gone for Mother’s Day, but home for Father’s Day?

It seems like a cruel joke the military likes to play on me every year.

“Hahahaha, let’s leave all the non-active duty moms at home without their spouse today. Oh, but make sure the men are all home for Father’s Day. Can’t miss playing a few holes, am I right?”

Well, this year the joke’s on you, Dad! Because I’m observing delayed Mother’s Day due to scheduling conflicts. My personal Mother’s Day just happens to be on Father’s Day. Weird, right?

It seems like you might have had an OK time at your “exercise” in Seoul. I heard the all-you-can-eat Korean barbecue was delicious. The K-Pop karaoke looked fun too. I’m sure having a hotel room all to yourself with no one needing you to wipe their nose was pure torture.

Bonus: you got paid to be there!

Since you got your special day early, I’m going to go ahead and take mine right now.

When Dad’s Gone in May, Mom Plays in June

You’ll get to celebrate the joys of fatherhood the same way I basked in the glow of motherhood while you were gone. In short: alone.

That’s right, the kids are all yours today. Because you should spend Father’s Day celebrating with the precious little tykes who call you Dad.

Let’s start the day early. I’ll head out for a long sunrise run so that you can be the first face the kids see in the morning. Such a wonderful gift!

Next, you can enjoy a chilled coffee over soggy cereal. The handwritten cards will tug at your heartstrings.

Then, head out to the beach, pool or playground. Really, go wherever your heart desires. If you can get them to handle sitting in the cart, take them to the golf course. If not, mini golf is basically the same thing.

I won’t even be mad when you bring them back loaded up with sugar and sticky with melted ice cream. They have summer camp tomorrow!

While you’re out celebrating, I’ll make sure to prep the grill and food for you to cook when you return. I want you to have the honor of getting those steaks just right.

As for the middle part of the day, I was planning on having a working me-day. I’ll field some emails, check Facebook and then head off to be tortured at the spa. I’m talking brunch, massage, pedicure and facial. All while sipping champagne. It’s going to be terrible.

You can swing by to get me on your way back from mini golf.

How does your family handle missed holidays or special days? Share your tips in the comments!

I Crossed the Unwritten Officer and Enlisted Friendship Line

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I joined the military spouse ranks at the end of an era. Which specific era, you might wonder? Well, the end of the blatant separation of spouses into “officer” and “enlisted.”

When my husband was wrapping up his stint at initial training, all of us wives (and it was only wives) were herded into an auditorium and given the rundown on life as a USMC spouse. We learned the ropes from a seasoned spouse and were handed a copy of Parade Rest.

We were lectured about protocol and decorum. I, the dependent spouse, was a direct reflection on my husband and his career. My behavior needed to be impeccable at all times. The correct place settings and seating arrangements for every possible formal and informal dinner party was reviewed in my new book.

Oh, and the rules against officer and enlisted fraternization were reviewed. But I didn’t really pay close attention to that part of the seminar. I guess it covered spouses, too. I mean, it must have, based on how other newly minted military spouses were acting.

I crossed the unwritten officer and enlisted friendship line.

And I don’t care. Because that line isn’t a real thing. It’s something that someone way back in the “good old days” created.

Some of the friends that I do life best with happen to be on the “other side” of that line.

The whole rank thing came up once at the beginning of each friendship. And then it was done.

No one blinked.

No one flinched.

Our spouses’ ranks aren’t even discussed, except for a hearty congratulations when someone gets promoted.

I Crossed the Unwritten Officer and Enlisted Friendship Line

We’re all just spouses. By “just” I really mean without the officer or enlisted caveat attached.

I have just a few criteria for my friends. First, be kind to my kids, but don’t be afraid to make them toe the line.

Also, it would be nice to enjoy a few similar hobbies. I’m into true crime, running, reading, writing and being salty about military life.

Finally, I like to have adventures and try new things.

Can you hang with that? Great! You’re in.

This attitude is becoming more and more the norm of military life and friendship among spouses.

The atmosphere has changed slowly over the last decade or so. I’m so glad that it has too. It makes everything much nicer and friendlier. Having an “all-hands” spouses club unites all of us for the good and, honestly, the food.

It wasn’t always like this, even in the very recent past.

I remember overhearing troubling conversations as a young(er) spouse. Harsh, untrue stereotypes were repeated. Some folks thought they could “just tell” what rank someone’s spouse wore based on their accent, clothing, number of children or perceived education level.

When I volunteered in the family readiness group at our first duty station, a few spouses liked to throw down rank very obviously. As if it made a difference to who got the last word.

Related: 10 Situations that Hurt a MilSpouse Friendship

One of my friends from that experience happened to be married to an enlisted Marine. After all the nonsense at my military spouse indoctrination, I was nervous about venturing into this friendship. I didn’t want to create a situation. I hesitated to connect on Facebook. I paused before socializing outside of unit events.

Then my husband set me straight.

We’re all just spouses.

By “just” I really mean without the officer or enlisted caveat attached. At the end of the day, we married the person our hearts connected to the most.

It wasn’t because of what was on their collars, but because of who they are as a human.

Although, if we’re being honest, how they look in dress uniform might have played a role in the process.

Breaking through that invisible O/E friendship barrier was the best thing I’ve done as a spouse. When I decided to stop listening to the stereotypes and the unwritten rules, I gained a whole lot of love, light and laughter.

I’ve got a whole army of amazing friends that I know I can call on, day or night, for anything. Whatever our spouses do, we’ve got each other. And to be honest, none of us are really 100% sure what our active duty other half does some days.

We’re all in this together, all of us military spouses. We are all just trying to get through this wild ride, with our sanity mostly intact. So cross that “line” if you spot a kindred spirit. It will be so worth it.

We want to hear from you! Tell us what “rules” you’ve proudly broken as a military spouse!

5 Tips for Throwing a ‘We’re Moving Overseas’ Party

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Fair winds and following seas. May the road rise to meet you. Sayonara. Adios.

You’re moving overseas and you are probably in full-on packing and panic mode right now. Before you go, take some time to bid adieu to your friends and family stateside.

 5 Tips for Throwing a “We’re Moving Overseas” Party

The last thing you need in the middle of your current crazy is a lot of work. Instead, follow these 5 simple tips for a great farewell bash that might just make your move slightly easier! Plus, you’ll enjoy a memorable night with your friends and moments you’ll remember for a lifetime.

 5 Tips for Throwing a "We're Moving Overseas" Party

It makes sense to combine your PCS-specific tasks into a celebration with friends! The giving away of things during a PCS is a time-honored military family tradition.

Pick a Theme

Keep your party’s theme super simple: here or there.

For “here” parties, stick to things that are classically American or that you can’t get at your next duty station. Ask friends to bring classic side dishes and grill out. Decorate with an Americana theme in red, white and blue. Or pay homage to the things you’ll miss the most, like Target or Dunkin’ Donuts. You know, the essentials of life.

If you’re going with a “there” theme, make everything about your next duty station. Going to Germany? Pick an Oktoberfest theme with beer and brats, even if it’s June. Headed to Japan or Korea? Decorate with pink cherry blossoms and serve lots of noodles and green tea.

Either way, don’t buy a ton of decorations. You’re packing up your whole house, remember? If you don’t have anything that fits a “theme,” put up your holiday lights around the yard, patio, balcony or inside your house.

Set Your Menu

Use this farewell party as an opportunity to clean out your pantry. Put your non-perishable food on the counter. Try to match recipes with what you already have on hand. The goal is to buy as little additional food as possible while using up a good portion of the things in your pantry.

If you think that this might make for some interesting cuisine, you’re right! A 2012 PCS party did, in fact, lead to the creation of cranberry-creamed corn-stuffing balls with a light honey dijon mustard dipping sauce. They were shockingly delicious.

Once you’ve decided on what you’re making, invite your guests to contribute dishes as well. Chances are they’ll bring less inventive food.

Open Bar & BYOB

You can’t take open bottles of booze with you. It seems to be frowned upon. Something about leaking and damage.

Since you can’t take your liquor with you to your next military installation, mix cocktails using whatever you’ve got on hand at your “We’re Moving Overseas” party. Add a blender and frozen fruit for experimental margaritas and daiquiris. Again, the goal is to whittle your stash down to almost nothing.

If your guests want to contribute to the communal beverages or keep something more mainstream for themselves, encourage BYOB.

For the kids, mix up lemonade or serve juice boxes. If you have a lot of fresh or frozen fruit, DIY smoothies are always fun! Just make sure you clearly label the adult beverages.

Activities & Games

Use this party as an opportunity to clear out your closets!

For the kids, pull out every already opened arts and crafts kit you have on hand. Set out coloring books, crayons, markers, stickers and drawing paper at one station. Make a sidewalk chalk station or a painting station, too. Encourage your younger guests to use up everything.

You could also set out water guns, kiddie pools or water games you have on hand.

While the adults might be content to kick back with food and drink, you could also set out lawn games or card games.

Every Party Needs Favors

The giving away of things during a PCS is a time-honored military family tradition. Let your guests know to come with a few sturdy boxes.

Go through the house before the party and collect everything that the movers won’t or can’t pack. This is usually opened non-perishable foods, cleaning supplies, and other liquids. To that, add any clothes, furniture, toys or decor items that you don’t want to store or bring with you.

Sort everything by type and keep your “favors” in one area of the party space. Let your friends know that they should feel free to grab anything that strikes their fancy.

Anything left after the party can be trashed (if in poor/opened condition), donated (good/unopened) or gifted to friends in the last hours of your move. Just be sure to keep something for that final cleanup before housing inspection!

Celebrate Your Overseas Move with Fun and Humor

Yes, some of these tips might be a little tongue in cheek. However, using up pantry items, finishing off opened art or cleaning supplies and giving things away is the reality for PCSing military families.

It makes good sense to combine all these PCS-specific tasks into a big celebration with friends! Also, I’m betting that more than a few military friends have already attended or hosted a similar party before.

At the end of the day, your “we’re moving overseas” party will be remembered for good times spent with friends. Whether you serve a stuffing ball creation is totally your call.

How do you say goodbye to your friends before an overseas move? Tell us in the comments section.

How to Prevent Conflict When Your In-Laws Visit You

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Many military couples host their in-laws, friends and extended family members during the summer months. Afterall, what’s the point of being stationed in Hawaii, if your house doesn’t become a revolving door for cousins who want to spend time with you, but also enjoy having you as their tour guide and your house as a free hotel room. You are happy to host them as your guests until you realize you are spending way more money on groceries when they are staying with you.

How to Prevent Conflict When Your In-Laws Visit You

Are hosting guests a financial strain on your budget? Can you ask your parents to buy the groceries when they are staying with you? Will your father-in-law watch your kids for date night?

What happens where you as the host feel like you can’t afford (or don’t want) to pay the costs associated with guests. This conflict over who pays seems like a source of unspoken frustration among military spouses.

A military spouse posted this question in a Facebook group:

When your relatives come to visit you, who pays for stuff? You or them? Can you ask them to help out around the house when they are staying with you?

Some military spouses responded saying they believe that guests shouldn’t pay or chip in with housework, ever. Your guests are on vacation and might have dropped serious cash to get there. The hosts should pick up the tab along with the extra work.

Others were firmly on the opposite end of the spectrum. Visitors are getting free lodging so assisting with cooking, cleaning, child care or groceries is a fair trade.

Most military spouses agreed that every situation is unique. Cost of travel and budget were factors that everyone considered. Others talked about the frequency of visits and reciprocity of the expectations when the host/guest roles are reversed.

Where is the disconnect?

Almost everyone agreed that family visits can be a huge source of conflict, especially when the in-laws are involved.

The heart of these might be a lack of shared cultural, familial history. It could be that your mother-in-law comes from a family where hosts have historically paid for everything. Maybe this is how it worked with her own mother-in-law!

When the visit or your guest’s expectations don’t go as you thought, it can cause frustration. Over time, with visit after visit, the frustration turns to anger which turns to resentment.

How can you prevent family vacation conflicts?

It all comes down to communication! If things are going well, you’re probably on the same wavelength. When you’re feeling frustrated during a family visit, it’s time to have a friendly sit-down.

First, decide what you are comfortable doing as a host. What makes you frustrated or upset? Is it having to do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping and paying? Are you comfortable with splitting things in different ways? What do you want your guests to help, or not help, with?

Be very clear with yourself and your spouse. Knowing where you are willing to compromise is just as important as your hard limits.

Solve family visit conflicts

Start neutrally:

“What do you want to do tomorrow?”

Share a few different activities that everyone can enjoy and bring out brochures. Talk about price and ask if this activity is in their budget. You could do this with any part of your trip from tourist attractions to meal planning to paying for gas.

Sit down with your visitors to plot out the events and meals that will happen during the vacation. Ask about which activities fit their budget. Share unique eating experiences in your area at a variety of price points and ask which ones they think will best suit them. Invite them to go grocery shopping with you.

For slightly more complicated situations, you might need to be more to the point. Request politely and kindly that your guest helps you.

You could try:

  • While I cook the main course, could you prep the salad?
  • Please feel free to bring your favorite drinks with you, as we mostly drink water.
  • Would you be able to step in with the kids while I (go for a run, head to the store, do this chore)?

Another route is giving praise for desired actions:

  • Thanks so much for putting on the coffee! I so appreciate having hot coffee when I woke up today!
  • The kids love spending time with you, especially since we live so far apart. I know they’re over the moon to just be with you!
  • You make such good (food item)! We’d love to share this special meal with you! Could we make it together?
  • It’s so nice to have your help (sorting the laundry, emptying the dishwasher, walking the dog)! Thanks!

Often it could just take a nudge or gentle push to move your guests to help you, if that’s what you want.

What happens in a stand-off?

You might find yourself between a rock and a hard place. You’re super uncomfortable in your own home and stretched beyond your limits.

The first conversation should be with your spouse. Decompress and share your frustrations with him or her. Explain what would make this visit better or at least slightly easier. Then create a plan of action to find a solution. You and your spouse should take this on as a team.

If your conflict is with a member of your own family, you should handle it. For in-law issues, your spouse should take the lead. Yes, these conversations will be awkward and uncomfortable, but they need to happen. Not talking about it is a recipe for more anger and resentment in the future.

Start small and use lots of “I feel” statements.

“I feel very tired after working all day and taking care of the kids. It’s overwhelming for me to cook dinner by myself for everyone every night.”

Talk about the good points of the visit, too. Share fun experiences that you’ve done together or how much their visit means to your kids. Then make your big ask. What is it that would make the visit more enjoyable for you as the host?

“I love spending time with you, but doing all the cooking and then all the cleaning makes it hard to do that. Would you be willing to dry if I wash?”

If your concern is financial, be upfront about that, too.

“We love going to all these great places, but we are really watching our bottom line right now. We cannot afford to pay for everyone in our group to go. Can we find another solution?”

Your guests might be genuinely surprised to hear your frustrations!

While it might be really uncomfortable, you could find solutions that work for everyone. Even if things aren’t 100% better, at the very least, you’ve shared your feelings.

If things remain at a stand-off, consider ways to meet on neutral territory. You could pick a location in the middle where you can both stay in hotels or shorten their visits, if possible.

How do you have handled host/guest conflicts? Share your best tips in the comments!

How I Feel About Military Spouse Appreciation Day

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On Military Spouse Appreciation Day, I’ll be tagged in dozens of Facebook posts. I’ll tear up reading the heartfelt words of my military spouse friends.

Besides that I don’t think much else will happen on May 11.

Let’s be honest: Military Spouse Appreciation Day is about military spouses connecting with other military spouses.

This is our day to express how much the support of our community and friends has helped us over the years. That’s important, don’t get me wrong.

I love seeing my friends post emotional video montages or write emotional posts that celebrate the ties binding us together. It’s a reminder that I’m not alone and I’ve always got folks watching my six.

Yes, there are events held on military bases around the world honoring the contributions of military spouses. There are job fairs, appreciation luncheons and educational workshops.

All of this is great. Honestly, it’s just nice to be recognized in any small way.

How I Feel About Military Spouse Appreciation Day

Maybe I’ve grown a little salty over the years, but Military Spouse Appreciation Day seems like just more lip service.

The statements of our nation’s leaders, from President Reagan to the present day, express that they see us. They know how much we’ve given of ourselves in support of our spouse and our country.

But this support for military spouses isn’t followed by action.

Maybe I’ve grown a little salty over the years, but Military Spouse Appreciation Day seems like just more lip service.

If our leaders wanted to show military spouses actual appreciation, there are tons of things that they could do.

1. Fix Tricare

Right now military families are receiving letters from Tricare that show they’ll lose their coverage or plan due to failure to pay. Here’s the problem: they have been paying and the system didn’t record it. Military families are caught in the middle between yet another provider network switch and terrible communication.

Tricare operates on the lowest bidder system. While this might be great for, say, choosing a landscaping service at the White House, it’s not the way to do health care. Medical professionals are being dropped by Humana due to paperwork processing errors, even though the doctors did their due diligence in advance. Many medical professionals will not accept Tricare at all because of the paperwork headaches and rock-bottom reimbursement rates.

This leaves military families without civilian options for care. Families with children who have special needs are left without ABA therapy, speech therapy, physical therapy or occupational therapy. Families located far from a comprehensive MTF are caught between the politics of Tricare and the boots on the ground reality.

There are a plethora of issues with health care in our country and Tricare is just the tip of the iceberg. But it’s a pain point for many military families.

Show us that you truly see us by fixing Tricare.

2. Increase Funding for Our Schools

When military families are asked about their PCS concerns, finding a good school is near the top. This is because our federal and state governments have, largely, walked away from public schools. They’ve put in place policies that undercut education funding for years. Buildings are crumbling, learning materials are out of date and teachers are working multiple jobs just to keep their heads above water.

The plan floated by Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos is a small, very small, step to acknowledge this critical military family issue. However, her plan provides minimal funding to a fraction of families all while stripping public schools of money they need to keep the lights on.

This is not how we operate an education system. And by their continued neglect of schools everywhere, not just near military bases, our nation’s leaders are shouting loud and clear that they do not care about our struggles.

Appreciate us and our military kids by taking meaningful action to fully fund schools across the country and pay all teachers appropriate wages.

3. Clean Up Our Contaminated Water

We already question whether this lifestyle is harming our children due to saying goodbye to their friends over and over. We tell ourselves that moving is building resiliency and that seeing the world is a fair trade for our wandering life.

Then you wake up to the news that 126 bases have contaminated water.

Now I’m not only worrying about psychologically damaging my children. I’m terrified that they’ll die because we drank from the tap in base housing. Perfect.

I’ll be watching myself and my very young children for signs and symptoms for decades, all because we’re a military family. All because I drank the water at Camp Pendleton. All because I’m just waiting for them to confirm my suspicions about Okinawa.

Want to know if your current or past bases are affected? The DoD has helpfully listed every location with contaminated water!

If our leaders truly, really appreciated the service and sacrifices of military spouses, they would put meaningful fixes in place to correct these dangerous issues.

4. Reduce Military Spouse Unemployment and Underemployed Rates

Military spouses face the reality of chronic underemployment and unemployment. Only 47% of military spouses responding to the 2017 Blue Star Families survey were employed. The overwhelming majority of employed spouses earned less than $20,000 per year.

There are a lot of factors that go into this. Our transient lifestyle makes it hard to advance in professional careers or keep a job longer than three years. Transferring and maintaining multiple professional licenses costs time and money. Federal employment, often touted as the holy grail of military spouse work, requires that applicants jump through hoops and wait, sometimes months, to hear back from prospective jobs.

Beyond the logistics of employment, there are the lifestyle complications related to being a military spouse. We move every three years, on average. We transition between two parent and single parent households regularly.

Child care often eats up the majority of our take-home pay. And that’s when there are openings available. In many locations, securing quality child care requires super advanced application even at the on-base CDC.

Beyond that, our workday availability is almost a necessity to support our spouse and children. The military schedules everything during working hours, from promotion ceremonies to childbirth classes.

You want to support me? Find ways to support my continued employment with changes to how the military works. Longer dwell times, affordable and available child care, expedited and transparent federal hiring practices or making licensure transfers more flexible are great places to start.

Happy Military Spouse Appreciation Day to the women and men who persevere!

Maybe this year the powers that be will give us some meaningful support and change instead of just pretty words.

Read “5 Reasons Why Military Spouses Deserve a Day of Appreciation” for Rachel’s perspective on Military Spouse Appreciation Day.

Trump Releases Transgender Troop Policy

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President Donald Trump recently released his policy directive regarding the continuing service of transgender troops in the U.S. military.

Under recommendations from Secretary of Defense James Mattis, the Trump administration has ruled that transgender individuals are generally disqualified from military service except under certain circumstances.

Transgender Troops Are Out Under New Policy

Mattis outlined the new policy recommendations in a February 22 memo. Transgender individuals are disqualified from military service unless they have not been diagnosed with gender dysphoria. Troops must also be willing to serve in their biological gender. Changing gender identity is no longer allowed under most circumstances.

Troops diagnosed with gender dysphoria or with a history of this diagnosis are generally barred from military service. However, they may serve if they have been deemed stable for 36 consecutive months in their biological gender prior to joining the military.

Transgender troops may also remain in uniform if they were diagnosed after joining, but remain in their biological gender and maintain deployability status in that gender.

If a service member was diagnosed between the Obama administration’s policy change in July 2016 and the adoption of this new policy, they may continue to serve and receive medical treatment for their diagnosis. This small subset of transgender troops may continue to serve in their preferred gender.

Trump Releases Transgender Troop Policy

The reaction to Trump’s policy on transgender troops is split along party lines.

Mattis based his changes on a new transgender policy study conducted by Department of Defense officials and military leaders. This study generally contradicts the findings of a 2016 Rand Corporation study. The earlier study indicated that there would be minimal impact on military readiness and morale caused by the service of transgender troops in their preferred gender identity. The new study found that allowing troops diagnosed with gender dysphoria to serve or join the military would be detrimental to military readiness and morale.

“(T)he Department concludes that accommodating gender transition could impair unit readiness; undermine unit cohesion, as well as good order and discipline, by blurring the clear lines that demarcate male and female standards and policies where they exist; and lead to disproportionate costs,” the DoD report reads in part.

Transgender Policy Changes Were Rapidly Reversed

Under the former President Barack Obama and former Secretary of Defense Ash Carter, transgender individuals diagnosed with gender dysphoria were allowed to transition to their preferred gender identity. This policy was implemented in stages. As of July 1, 2016, currently serving transgender troops were allowed to openly serve without fear of discharge based on their gender identity. The final policy change of allowing transgender individuals to join the military in their preferred gender was set to roll out on July 1, 2017.

However, after a series of tweets from Trump in July 2017 and with coordinating action from Mattis, this policy was halted for a 6-month review process. This review led to the creation of the current administration’s policy on the military service of transgender troops.

Based on the Rand study, between 1,300 and 7,000 transgender troops are currently serving in the U.S. military. Per the new policy, only those troops willing to serve in their biological gender and who have not been diagnosed with gender dysphoria, except under specific circumstances, will no longer be allowed to serve or join.

Trump’s Ban Faces Legal Battles and Mixed Public Reaction

Trump’s ban on transgender individuals serving in the Armed Forces is already facing legal pushback. The Human Rights Campaign and Washington State are moving ahead with their federal lawsuit against the ban. They are joined by legal challenges in California. These legal battles continue earlier challenges that lifted the block on transgender individuals enlisting earlier in 2018. Based on these legal battles, Pentagon spokesperson Army Maj. David Eastburn noted that these policy changes would have little impact immediately.

Reaction to the change in policy has been generally split along party lines.

The Family Research Council, a conservative think tank, praised Trump’s decision in a series of tweets.

Congressman Ted Lieu wrote, in an opinion piece for Fortune magazine, that he believed these policy changes to be “stupid” and “unconstitutional.” Lieu is a veteran.

Troops and their families impacted by this decision are disturbed by these policy changes.

“The Trump administration’s continued insistence on targeting our families for discrimination is appalling, reckless and unpatriotic,” said Ashley Broadway-Mack, president of the American Military Partners Association and spouse of an active duty Army officer.

What do you think of Trump’s policy on transgender service members?

Commissaries and Exchanges Start Linking Promotions, Sales

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DeCA and AAFES are working together to maximize their reach by linking their promotions and sales during April.

One hundred qualified patrons will win $300 in free groceries from their on-base commissaries. Altogether $30,000 in gift cards will be given away to commissary and exchange patrons during these promotions.

Joint Promotions Benefit AAFES, DeCA Patrons

This decision to link promotions between the commissaries and exchanges, including online exchange sites, follows an earlier move that allows Military Star Card members to use this card in either location. Prior to this, patrons could not use their Military Star Card at the commissary.

In order to enter the Fill Your Fridge Sweepstakes, patrons must make 2 purchases each at the exchange and commissary between April 1 and April 30. This contest is open to Military Star Card users worldwide. Shoppers can make qualifying purchases at Army and Air Force, Navy, Marine Corps and Coast Guard exchanges; ShopMyExchange.com; MyNavyExchange.com; ShopCGX.com; exchange concessionaires and the commissary.

This promotion makes the connection between quality nutrition and scholastic success for military children.

“Nutrition is foundational to military children’s educational success, and $300 in free groceries from your local commissary would certainly help build on that foundation,” said Air Force Chief Master Sgt. Luis Reyes, exchange senior enlisted advisor, in a press release. “We are honored to partner with the commissary to recognize the contributions of military kids worldwide with this sweepstakes.”

The Fill Your Fridge Sweepstakes is being held in conjunction with the Month of the Military Child. This annual event held during April honors the sacrifices of military children.

Military exchanges support military children year round through their You Made the Grade program. Military children receive a coupon booklet in exchange for an overall “B” average on their report card.

AAFES and DeCA Support the Month of the Military Child

In further support of the Month of the Military Child, there are additional events and promotions at both exchanges and commissaries on military bases around the world.

A coloring contest will be held at participating commissaries throughout the month of April. Patrons can inquire at their local commissary for more information about this contest.

There are also several ongoing sweepstakes beyond Fill Your Fridge. Exchange patrons can enter for these sweepstakes by logging into their ShopMyExchange account. Prizes include toys, backpacks and exchange gift cards.

Additionally, military children 18 years old and younger, can earn a free snack at select military exchange food courts. On April 18, military children should wear purple to their military exchange food court to qualify for a free treat. This could include side item, fountain beverage or dessert.

More Cross Promotions in the Future

Working together, DeCA and AAFES have the potential to increase the benefit to their customers. Through the Military Star Card connected Fill Your Fridge Sweepstakes, patrons have the chance to win nutritional food. The additional sweepstakes for toys, backpacks, and gift cards offers patrons an additional way to show support for military children this month. Military children can also earn rewards for good grades year round!

AAFES and DeCA’s new cross-promotions show support for military children. In addition, expanding options for patrons to use Military Star cards at both locations increases the shopping options on base.

Exchange and commissary patrons should anticipate further collaborative promotions and sales.

What do you think of the collaboration between the commissaries (DeCA) and the exchanges (AAFES) for the Month of the Military Child?

Is a ‘Deploy or Get Out’ Rule Fair for Our Service Members?

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Secretary of Defense James Mattis instituted a new retention rule for troops. Now service members must be deployable or in his words, “get out.”

Mattis feels that too many are carrying the load for all, with about 11% of all current troops on active duty, in the Reserves or in the National Guard classified as non-deployable. That amounts to 235,000 individuals out of the 2.1 million total troop force.

The thought behind this new rule is for the good of the military family. Mattis, rightly, remarks that “we may enlist soldiers, but we reenlist families.”

Is a 'Deploy or Get Out' Rule Fair for Our Service Members?

We expect our teachers to stay up to date with the best classroom practices. We expect our lawyers to know about new laws. We expect our service members to be ready and willing to deploy.

High Tempo Missions

Mattis is right: too many of the same service members have been deployed over and over again for the last 17 years. I’ve seen more friends and neighbors pull almost back-to-back deployments than I care to count.

This high operational tempo leads to burnout for troops and families. It’s hard to stay motivated with a “go team” mentality when your group is always doing the grunt work. Even when often deployed troops are home, it can be hard to settle into family life. Disconnecting from the mission and rejoining a different pace of life can be a struggle.

Military spouses and children feel the burn too. Too many families have almost become single parent homes due to the frequent absence of one parent. Military spouses of deployed troops feel constantly on edge, just waiting for that knock. The mental load is heavy and all too real.

It’s only right to equally spread the burden among all service members. Part of doing your job means being able to fulfill all portions of that position. Military troops must be ready to deploy in support of the mission. It’s simply not fair to rely on the same people over and over again.

Deployable, Not Deployed

At this juncture, I feel it’s important to note one key phrase in Mattis’ rule. He states that troops who have been non-deployable for 12 or more months must separate. He does not expressly state that all troops must actively deploy within the same time frame.

This is an important difference.

Not all positions require the same tempo of deployments. Each military job is very specific about the requirements needed and the potential operational tempo. An infantryman is likely to face a different deployment schedule and mission than a doctor or a pilot or a mechanic.

What Mattis is asking for is simply that troops remain at the ready. I think that this is reasonable. We expect our teachers to stay up to date with the best classroom practices. We expect our lawyers to know about new laws.

Military troops should put their checks in their deployment boxes.

This means maintaining an acceptable level of physical fitness, ensuring that medical and dental exams are complete and continuing to develop in their assigned billet. None of this seems out of order.

For troops that are non-deployable due to their own lack of follow-through, like missing vaccinations or poor PT scores, they should be asked to leave. Part of the job is being mission ready and they were unable to meet that requirement. It shows a lack of commitment.

Of course, this assumes that these services are readily available both physically and in actuality. Appointments for medical and dental care are often hard to come by. Individuals should need to show their good faith efforts to complete their duty before being asked to leave.

Not Considerate Enough

There are exceptions for troops who are injured in the line of duty or in the field. Mattis has given assurances that troops who meet this requirement will be given alternate assignments and retained. This is only fair. It shows a willingness to support those who have suffered a workplace injury. This caveat helps to reenlist families.

What doesn’t help to reenlist families is the lack of guidance regarding pregnancy and the postpartum period. Female service members are likely to be non-deployable for at least 40 weeks when you account for pregnancy alone. If we consider the time needed to recover from childbirth, that puts most women over the 52-week mark.

Is Mattis suggesting that women, who have recently given birth, be asked to leave the military?

This doesn’t seem right and certainly doesn’t support military families. Studies vary, but several have found that full recovery postpartum takes longer than the typical maternity leave of 12 weeks. Asking a new mom to leave her place of employment due to childbirth seems cruel and unusual.

There needs to be additional guidance regarding pregnancy and childbirth. Reasonable and medically sound timelines for a return to full duty should be implemented and explained.

Family Friendly Rule

While this rule is still in its infancy, the intention is good. Spreading the workload by ensuring a highly deployable force is fair. It removes an undue burden from troops who have faced repeat deployments as a result of others in non-deployment status. It also forces troops to take their deployment status seriously.

Some specifics need to be clarified and it is really too soon to say just how this rule will actually impact deployments. But on its face, it seems like a good way to clean up the Armed Forces and ensure that we are ready to face today’s challenges.

What do you think of the new “deploy or get out” rule?

The Debate Surrounding Transgender Troops Serving in the U.S. Military

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Beginning last summer, the U.S. military community has been debating whether transgender troops are fit to serve. President Donald Trump and Secretary of Defense James Mattis, along with many military leaders, seem to be at odds over a policy relating to transgender troops.

The Debate Surrounding Transgender Troops Serving in the U.S. Military

The White House is anticipated to release its final verdict and policy on transgender troops this month.

Final Policy Pending

Mattis was under a February 21, 2018, deadline to return his recommendations to the president. According to The Washington Post, it is anticipated that Mattis will support transgender troops currently serving, as well as those wishing to join in the future. Mattis made his official recommendation regarding Trump’s proposed transgender military policy on February 23, 2018. The Pentagon has not confirmed or commented on Mattis’ final recommendation.

As of January 1, 2018, individuals identifying as transgender are free to enlist or seek a commission in the U.S. Armed Forces.

Mattis’ likely position could be supported by a 2016 Rand Corporation study that was commissioned by the Obama administration. Former President Barack Obama and his administration had removed the ban on transgender troops who serve openly in June 2016.

This study found that less than 1% of active duty troops identify as transgender.

Approximately, between 1,320 and 6,630 active duty troops identify as transgender. Additionally, the study found that total medical costs related directly to transgender-specific medical care would be negligible, amounting to less than $10 million annually. This is a “relatively small” amount in the military budget. It represents a 0.04% to 0.13% increase in the overall active duty health care expenses.

Finally, not all transgender troops would elect to transition medically, with surgery. The study concluded that between 29 and 129 service members would experience a disruption to deployment readiness as a result of transgender-specific medical care.

Currently 1.3 million troops are on active duty.

Trump Tweets New Transgender Policy

On July 26, 2017, Trump tweeted his desire to reinstate a ban on transgender troops. He cited the increased cost of medical care for transgender troops as well as the disruption of military service. His announcement, which claimed that he had consulted with top military brass, seemed to catch Mattis and other military leaders off-guard. At the time of the tweets, Mattis made no immediate official comment.

Days later, military leaders appeared to walk back Trump’s sweeping policy change. Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Joseph Dunford made clear that transgender personnel would continue to serve until Mattis received clear direction from Trump. Then, that direction would need to be implemented over time. This decision was supported by Mattis.

According to recently released emails, Dunford communicated to the other service chiefs that he was “not consulted.” Dunford appeared willing to confirm this to the media and wrote that this policy change “was unexpected.”

Ban Blocked in Court

On October 30, 2017, the U.S. district court in Washington, D.C., issued an injunction in favor of 8 transgender individuals who were in ROTC programs or enrolled at service academies. The D.C. court’s decision was backed by the Maryland district court in a November 12, 2017, ruling. The Maryland judge also issued an impending injunction that blocked Trump’s proposed ban to take effect due to constitutional violations of the plaintiffs. Both cases are still pending a final ruling.

The initial rulings from Maryland and D.C. allowed these individuals to continue to take steps toward active duty service. The injunctions also swayed the Pentagon to allow transgender individuals to enlist starting on January 1, 2018.

Trump directed Mattis, per an August 25, 2017, executive order, to review the current policy as well as his proposed policy. His recommendations were due back to the White House on February 21, 2018.

The White House is anticipated to release its final verdict and policy statement on March 23, 2018.

Questions Remain for Transgender Troops

In the middle of all of this political discussion, are the openly transgender troops currently serving. Their continued service is potentially at risk. In addition, as of January 1, 2018, openly transgender individuals are allowed to join active military service.

Trump’s March 23 decision could have immediate ramifications for troops currently serving, as well as those who are beginning their initial processing and training. Troops who are currently serving may be forced to resign without benefits. However, the actual proposed policy regarding current transgender service members remains unclear.

What do you think? Should transgender service members be allowed to serve openly in the U.S. military?

Understanding the Dress Code at Your Military Installation

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As I moved to close the car door, I happened to look down. Uh-oh. I was wearing athleisure leggings. I did a quick mental calculation.

Color of the leggings + intended use (regular wear vs. athletic pursuit) + other clothing

This could determine whether I am asked to leave the exchange or whether they let me slide, for today. Luckily, I was wearing a normal shirt, the leggings were black and I had on flats. If I had been wearing a race finisher shirt, the story could be totally different!

Every military base has very clear guidelines about what you can and cannot wear in each building or location. Understanding the expectations at your base could make your time there much easier.

Understanding the Dress Code at Your Military Installation

Athleisure wear is becoming the norm for many, but it is still considered unacceptable attire for many on-base buildings and businesses.

Understanding the Dress Code at Your Military Installation

Where to Find the Dress Code

Every military building has the dress code prominently displayed, usually near the front door. Typically, the dress code is a poster-sized color graphic the includes demonstrations of correct and incorrect attire. Following a dress code, for service members, civilians and dependents, shows a level of respect for the installation. It also promotes good order and discipline.

Each branch of service has slightly different expectations and dress codes.

Things that might pass muster on an Air Force base will not fly at a Marine Corps installation.

Clothing guidelines are often building or activity specific. The outfit that you wore to the gym is likely not going to be acceptable at the commissary, PX, post office, hospital, library, consolidated club or anywhere else on base. Generally, gym clothes or workout gear is limited to the fitness center. While there is more latitude at the gym in terms of attire, most dress codes require that outfits remain modest without revealing undergarments.

Base to Base Differences

Just like each service might have slightly different dress code expectations, each individual duty station interprets the rules too. While the general dress code is the same service-wide, some bases are more strict and others more relaxed.

Military bases that are on the West Coast and in Hawaii are notoriously more relaxed. Flip flops and athleisure wear are more standard there and seem to be allowed without comment at installation buildings. Some overseas locations, like Okinawa, also seem to follow a more relaxed dress code.

However, the closer you get to the service headquarters and to Washington, D.C., the more strictly the dress code is enforced. Things that were allowed in southern California might not be considered acceptable in northern Virginia.

As you are PCSing, connect with a local spouses’ Facebook group and ask about dress code enforcement. You’ll want to know in advance whether your leather flip flops could cause a scene.

General Guidelines

Across all services and installations, there are some general rules to follow.

Ripped, torn or otherwise overly distressed clothing is not considered acceptable. Those distressed jeans might be OK, but clothing that has clearly been through the wringer should be left at home.

Hats and ball caps need to be removed inside all buildings. This includes other hat-like head coverings too. The exception would be items worn for religious reasons. However, this rule seems to be relaxing at many locations.

Revealing items, for men and women, are a faux pas at military installations. For women, this includes clothing that shows too much cleavage, skinny tank top straps, midriff-baring tops and short skirts or shorts. Men should avoid overly baggy pants that reveal underwear and must wear a shirt. Most military installations also have language in the dress code, for men, about properly fitting shirts.

Bathing suits and swimwear should be covered when not at the actual beach or pool. This includes using the beach-side stores and restaurants. Remember to bring a cover-up or a change of clothing with you.

Athleisure wear is becoming the norm for many, but it is still considered unacceptable attire on military installations. There may be wiggle room depending on your location or the specific outfit.

Flip flops and sandals could violate the dress code, based on the specific installation’s interpretation of the rules. Generally, shoes with a back strap or closed toe are considered appropriate.

If You’re Asked to Leave

First, don’t make a scene. This will only draw more attention to you and could escalate the situation. Instead, calmly ask to speak privately with the store manager or another person in authority.

Next, when you are in a quiet spot, ask for a brief explanation of why you are being asked to leave. If their explanation makes sense, based on the dress code, it is better to comply. You could let the store manager know that you are new to the base or the military in general. Including an apology along with your explanation could help soften things. They might be willing to let it slide today, with a reminder for future visits.

On your next visit, remember to follow the rules more carefully.

Read “Decoding the Commissary Dress Code” to understand the dress code at your commissary.